michael d Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 aloha guys. i'm in a strange, painful spot right now....wife of 7 years, together 14years, moved out, has fallen out of love, needs time and space to think, but in counseling reveals she has feelings for some guy but they are still just friends. she is not ready for divorce, says that is too sad and horrible to think about, but doesn't really want to work on our marriage at this point. tough spot for me, we still care deeply for each other, but when is the time to call it quits? i don't want to be hasty, in case she changes her mind. she says she doesn't know how she will feel in a week or 4 months. however, i don't want to be the backup second fiddle either. man i love her. help!! thanks md
reboot Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 wife of 7 years, together 14years, moved out, has fallen out of love, needs time and space to think, but in counseling reveals she has feelings for some guy but they are still just friends.Odds are she's having an affair with him. That's why she moved out, to explore that relationship. Tell her to come home and work on the marriage or she'll be served divorce papers within the week.
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Odds are she's having an affair with him. That's why she moved out, to explore that relationship. Tell her to come home and work on the marriage or she'll be served divorce papers within the week. Good advice, although the working on the marriage portion will probably result in the affair going underground. She needs to put up or get out. No one deserves the crumbs of another's affection.
Lee725 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 She may not want a divorce because if it does not work out with this guy she has feelings for she may try to keep you as a "Back up", i know that sounds horrible and i apologize for that. It is one thing to allow someone to have space to think, but it is another thing to do it at your own expense. try to move on as best you can, this may not mean getting the divorce papers ready but try to establish life away from her. You will reach a point where you will know what to do, she may come back and ask for reconcilliation (which will be accompanied with trust issues "Will she do this again?"..... "Will she develop feelings for someone else later on?") or you may wake up one day and realize that you need to move on yourself. Untill that time enrich your own life with the other aspects which can make you happy, even tho this may be hard when you are hurting, and time will provide the answers.
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Odds are she's having an affair with him. That's why she moved out, to explore that relationship. Tell her to come home and work on the marriage or she'll be served divorce papers within the week. Reboot, you know I think highly of you so don't think I'm flaming. Most of us keep telling the MM/MW to seek MC and/or D before starting something new with someone new. This could be what his W is doing... Good luck michael d...
reboot Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Reboot, you know I think highly of you so don't think I'm flaming. Most of us keep telling the MM/MW to seek MC and/or D before starting something new with someone new. This could be what his W is doing... Good luck michael d...Well she did say she "isn't ready for a divorce" but "doesn't want to work on the marriage" either. Seems like an oxymoron to me. I'm just always highly suspicious of someone who might be cheating and wants to separate. Plus I've always been of the opinion (and my opinions have been known to be wrong of course) that separating in the midst of a crisis like this is a bad thing to do. My own demons show up in my posts sometimes (maybe often times).
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Well she did say she "isn't ready for a divorce" but "doesn't want to work on the marriage" either. Seems like an oxymoron to me. I'm just always highly suspicious of someone who might be cheating and wants to separate. Plus I've always been of the opinion (and my opinions have been known to be wrong of course) that separating in the midst of a crisis like this is a bad thing to do. My own demons show up in my posts sometimes (maybe often times). Can't say I blame ya...
Author michael d Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 aloha everyone and thanks for the responses. she's just doesn't feel the same about me anymore. simple as that i guess. we had lunch yesterday and went surfing. i believe her that nothing has happened yet with this guy but she says the feelings she has for him gives her a good idea of where she is right now. we are both hurting alot, she is not eating or sleeping well either. but we hurt for different reasons. i want her back, and she is sad about hurting me. i guess our road is toward divorce, but neither thinks it needs to be rushed. something tells me to wait, something tells me to go for it sooner. which is right ??? mike d
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 You can drag this out for perpetuity, waiting, wondering which side she falls on or you can take action and give her the shock she may need to realize you're not always going to be there, waiting patiently for her. Also, a shock can wake her up from the fog of being in lust with someone else, to far more clear thinking. Either way, divorce doesn't necessarily ruin your chance for getting back together in future years. Hopefully by that time, you would have moved on and found someone else who is better for you, who is there for you, wholeheartedly.
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 You can drag this out for perpetuity, waiting, wondering which side she falls on or you can take action and give her the shock she may need to realize you're not always going to be there, waiting patiently for her. Also, a shock can wake her up from the fog of being in lust with someone else, to far more clear thinking. Either way, divorce doesn't necessarily ruin your chance for getting back together in future years. Hopefully by that time, you would have moved on and found someone else who is better for you, who is there for you, wholeheartedly. It is so refreshing to hear that married people actually discuss unpleasant things and still care for one another. You have made it safe to share her true feelings and that is the best you can do. I hope she appreciates it. My H never made it safe for me and now I'm in a terrible situation and he doesn't have the best of me. Good luck, sweetie.
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Sorry, didn't mean to quote from TBF's post.
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