What is 180?

[LittleFlower]

:confused:I keep reading on different forums of this nature about 'doing or going 180', can anyone explain to me what this is please.

 

Thanks

[Woggle]

180 is when you completely change everything. If you felt one way and then all of a sudden you change your stance you have done a 180.

[LittleFlower]

Thanks for that, just getting to grips with the terminology

[norajane]

It comes from geometry.

 

A complete circle is 360 degrees (of angle) all the way around. If you stood up and spun around in a complete circle, you'd end up in the same place you started.

 

But if you turned half-way and stopped, then you've turned 180 degrees, which is half of the full 360 degrees. And - this is the important part - you'd be facing in the opposite direction from where you were facing when you started.

 

So, when someone uses the expression like 'he did a 180', it means he changed his mind or said something that was the opposite of what he had been thinking or saying before.

[wizer]

And a "69" is when one partner does a 180.

[reboot]

In the context of this forum, it's probably from Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[LittleFlower]

My husband has already letf and has a place of his own, about 25 miles away, nerer to work, further from me, nearer to her.

She is married, the meet for lunch, breakfast, whenever they can basically, I have evidence.

 

How can I put most of these steps into practice if he no longer lives with me. We don't have kids, so no need for constant contact from him, but he shows up about once every 2 weeks to collect mail and say hello. I do not contact him unless absolutely necessary.

I do try to remain upbeat and look nice when he is there, but he never stays very long, so putting a lot of this stuff into practice is difficult.

[wizer]

My husband has already letf and has a place of his own, about 25 miles away, nerer to work, further from me, nearer to her.

She is married, the meet for lunch, breakfast, whenever they can basically, I have evidence.

 

How can I put most of these steps into practice

 

I don't know your story, but from what you wrote in your post, there isn't much you CAN do. He's already gone. The only plus is that he's fooling around with a married woman and if the affair is exposed then perhaps he will come running back. But that would be for the wrong reasons.

 

Your strategy might be to expose the affair. That's your best option.

[LittleFlower]

my story

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135958/

 

I don't know who she is, and at first I didn't want anyone to know, as i thought there might have still been a chance for us. When I fould out he was still seeing her, I went into overdrive, and when anyone asked why we split, I told them the truth.

 

I threatened to tell her husband, of course he didn't know that I didn't even have the first clue as to who she or he was, all I had was her phone number, and I did phone her, she denied everything of course, probably as I threatened to tell her husband. Strange how calling someones bluff like that can have an effect.

Not the effect I thought of course, it just made him more secretive. I don't even have an address for him.

 

he tells people 'we' were unhappy, he more than me, and that the reason we split was not for another woman, the reason was the unhappiness, unhappiness that I wasn't aware of.

[wizer]

he tells people 'we' were unhappy, he more than me, and that the reason we split was not for another woman, the reason was the unhappiness, unhappiness that I wasn't aware of.

 

If he left you, then he was probably unhappy. Safe to say his needs werent being met. It doesnt justify the affair, nor does it make it "your fault". The affair indicates there was a problem, and the fact that you were unaware of any significant problems means there was a severe lack of communication between the two of you.

[LittleFlower]

I would agree that communication was a problem, but I just felt that if he had told me how he had been feeling, then perhaps we could have done something about it.

All I wanted was the chance to do something about it, but he wouldn't give me that, and that is very unfair. We have been together for 22 years, married for 20 of them, and so in love. What I can't get over is the complete change in him, treated me with such indifference and disrespect once I found out about the affair.

Why couldn't he just have said something earlier about his unhappiness? his reply to this was that he just didn't know what to say. 22 years together and he didn't know what to say.

He said, he wanted to be on his own, not part of a couple, it wasn't an affair, nothing physical had happened, blah blah blah, same old stuff I've been reading on here.

So he has his own place, not now part of this couple, struggling a bit financially, got himself a married woman, and a highly stressful job. He chose this life, but he has also chosen mine.

I will need to sell this house we bought together and move away to another place I don't want to be. I'm paying for his affair financially and emotionally and it's just not fair.

Maybe I expected too much from him? a chance to repair our marriage, even if it didn't work out, at least we could have said we gave it our best shot, but he's not even allowing me that. I think that was not too much to ask for.

[wizer]

I will need to sell this house we bought together and move away to another place I don't want to be. I'm paying for his affair financially and emotionally and it's just not fair..

 

No, you aren't paying for his affair. Your marriage is over, and when two people divorce, there are huge financial ramifications, the loss of a house being one of the most common.

 

The affair was a symptom of the troubled marriage, but not the cause of it ultimately failing.

[LittleFlower]

No, you aren't paying for his affair. Your marriage is over, and when two people divorce, there are huge financial ramifications, the loss of a house being one of the most common.

 

The affair was a symptom of the troubled marriage, but not the cause of it ultimately failing.

 

 

A troubled marriage, I was not aware that we were in trouble. He couldn't keep it in his pants, same old story, mid life crisis.

 

Yes I am paying for this affair, big time ! emotionally, financially, mentally and physically, and that does not seem fair to me. He gets to fck off and do what he wants and I get left to pick up the pieces.

[wizer]

Yes I am paying for this affair, big time ! emotionally, financially, mentally and physically, and that does not seem fair to me. He gets to fck off and do what he wants and I get left to pick up the pieces.

 

I guess its all in how you look at it. You're definitely paying for something.

[LittleFlower]

Are you suggesting that I made him unhappy and that's what I am paying for.

 

If I made him unhappy, why didn't he have the balls to tell me instead of screwing another woman.

 

There is no justification for him having an affair, sounds like you think that it was ok to have an affair as he wasn't happy at home. Been unfaithful yourself have you and tried to justify it by saying 'well I was unhappy so it was ok to do it'.

[wizer]

Are you suggesting that I made him unhappy and that's what I am paying for.Been unfaithful yourself have you and tried to justify it by saying 'well I was unhappy so it was ok to do it'.

 

I'm suggesting he was unhappy in the marriage and thats why he strayed. I am also suggesting that due to poor communication between the two of you, you were unaware that there was any problem in the marriage until he was in the middle of a full blown affair and moved out of the house.

 

Thats called "closing the barn door after the cows are already in the field".

 

I am not placing the blame on you. When a relationship fails, its usually the fault of both partners. He was wrong to have an affair, there is no justifying his actions. I am simply saying that the affair was not the "cause" of the demise of your marriage, it was more like a sign of existing problems.

 

My marriage failed after 18 years together, but there was no infidelity on either part. I do not condone cheating, and I never will.

[Ladyjane14]

If I made him unhappy, why didn't he have the balls to tell me instead of screwing another woman.

 

Apparently, he lived quite happily enough with you for twenty years. So much so that he didn't leave UNTIL he was screwing another woman.

 

Honey, sometimes you can be doing EVERYTHING right... and a spouse will still cheat.

 

If you've been together 20 years, he's at about the ripe age for mid-life crisis. You can find out a good bit more about that by searching the internet. Personally, I think a quite alot of it is physiological, having to do with changes in a man's chemical balance as he ages, whereby hormones and other various and sundry substances kind of realign themselves. Some men get hit pretty hard with it, and it results in a bit of depression. There's also emotional baggage to deal with at the midlife as he assesses his progress, counts up his disappointments, and measures his successes.

 

When you consider all the stuff that could be going on with your WH (wayward husband) inside his body and inside his mind... it starts to seem kind of unlikely that his infidelity is all your fault.

 

All that said, he won't be back in any kind of meaningful way until the affair is over. Drama and sex provide a pretty good dopamine band-aid for a MLC guy. If there's any way to make sure the OW's husband gets clued in, hey... that might expedite matters. You might consider taking that little phone number to a PI or at least trying some reverse look-ups on the net.

[LittleFlower]

Apparently, he lived quite happily enough with you for twenty years. So much so that he didn't leave UNTIL he was screwing another woman.

 

Honey, sometimes you can be doing EVERYTHING right... and a spouse will still cheat.

 

If you've been together 20 years, he's at about the ripe age for mid-life crisis. You can find out a good bit more about that by searching the internet. Personally, I think a quite alot of it is physiological, having to do with changes in a man's chemical balance as he ages, whereby hormones and other various and sundry substances kind of realign themselves. Some men get hit pretty hard with it, and it results in a bit of depression. There's also emotional baggage to deal with at the midlife as he assesses his progress, counts up his disappointments, and measures his successes.

 

When you consider all the stuff that could be going on with your WH (wayward husband) inside his body and inside his mind... it starts to seem kind of unlikely that his infidelity is all your fault.

 

All that said, he won't be back in any kind of meaningful way until the affair is over. Drama and sex provide a pretty good dopamine band-aid for a MLC guy. If there's any way to make sure the OW's husband gets clued in, hey... that might expedite matters. You might consider taking that little phone number to a PI or at least trying some reverse look-ups on the net.

 

Thanks.

If he hadn't had the affair, then I think we could have given our marriage a chance, he didn't want to do that, so I think that the excitement of a new woman clouded his judgement.

 

He was always the type who would never have condoned infidelity in anyone. He hated is father for being an adulterer and didn't speak to him for 30 years, in fact he never got the chance to speak to him again, his father died a couple of weeks ago.

 

Double standards ! but for all of his double standards, I love him so much and my heart is broken.

[Ladyjane14]

You have two choices at this point. Basically, you can wait him out, all the while presenting an attractive alternative to the course he's put himself on. Or, you can go ahead and divorce him and truly move on with your life.

 

More often than not, the WS (wayward spouse) finds out that the grass isn't as green as he thought it was.

The problem (for him), is that by the time he figures it out, the betrayed spouse has already 'run out of gas' and doesn't want him back.

 

You protect your love supply best, when you don't let him continue to hurt and abuse you. So... the 180's will remove you from the chaos of his affair, as well as to give him pause, creating a sense of mystery about you that will leave him a bit uncertain as to whether you're 'percolating nicely on the backburner'. They'll also move YOU further down the path to healing in the event he never does come back. You can get more detailed information from the book Divorce Busting. I think you'd do well to read through a copy of Love Must be Tough and Surviving an Affair as well.

[Lizzie60]

And a "69" is when one partner does a 180.

 

[LittleFlower]

You have two choices at this point. Basically, you can wait him out, all the while presenting an attractive alternative to the course he's put himself on. Or, you can go ahead and divorce him and truly move on with your life.

 

More often than not, the WS (wayward spouse) finds out that the grass isn't as green as he thought it was.

The problem (for him), is that by the time he figures it out, the betrayed spouse has already 'run out of gas' and doesn't want him back.

 

You protect your love supply best, when you don't let him continue to hurt and abuse you. So... the 180's will remove you from the chaos of his affair, as well as to give him pause, creating a sense of mystery about you that will leave him a bit uncertain as to whether you're 'percolating nicely on the backburner'. They'll also move YOU further down the path to healing in the event he never does come back. You can get more detailed information from the book Divorce Busting. I think you'd do well to read through a copy of Love Must be Tough and Surviving an Affair as well.

 

I am trying, after all these months to get myself a life back. I look a lot better than I have done for years which boosts my self esteem.

 

I know he is not exactly happy with his situation, he said to me that not everything is rosy in the garden, problem is, he must prefer that to being with me, no matter how bad. Of course as my sister said, he might be doing it out of stubborness now, he decided this was his course of action, and he will see it through. There's an element of truth to that I suppose, if he wants to do something, it's very hard to change his mind, he gets the bit between his teeth, very determined and very hard to change his mind.

 

For the moment I will just need to sit tight and get on with it, I know I'm constantly hoping he will come back to me, but with every day, that possiblilty is getting less and less.

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by wizer

And a "69" is when one partner does a 180.

 

 

 

That was very funny

[RecordProducer]

:confused:I keep reading on different forums of this nature about 'doing or going 180', can anyone explain to me what this is please.

 

Thanks

It refers to 180 degrees. The circle has 360 degrees and going half the circle would be getting to the opposite side - a complete change. This is the origin of the phrase.

[Woggle]

You are dealing with a walkaway husband which is really no different than a walkaway wife. If the wives are any indication I doubt he will ever come back and you will just have to get used to life without him.

[LittleFlower]

You are dealing with a walkaway husband which is really no different than a walkaway wife. If the wives are any indication I doubt he will ever come back and you will just have to get used to life without him.

 

 

Deep down I know there is little chance of us getting back together, certainly not while he is 'in love' with somone else.

I just cannot understand why he did this to us, I really don't see anything in our lives that could not be fixed, or at least an attempt to fix them.

His feeble excuses were, we don't go out enough together, we don't have enough sex etc etc, nothing that we couldn't have worked out. As far as I could see they were all excuses for him having an affair with a co-worker. Push the blame on to me for not going out and not wanting enough sex.

 

We have no children so we more or less did what we liked, no restrictions on either of us. He liked his hobbies so I let him pursue them, as I had no interest in them, but we came together a lot. We have the same friends, I still see them a lot, he seems to have cut himself off. He said he started feeling unhappy around abouit 18 months ago, coincidentally the same time he started a new job. He wanted to go out with his workmates in the big city and I didn't mind, he started to wear new clothes, after shave, none of this was of any interest to him before, he bought new clothes when he needed them before and didnt ever wear cologne.

 

I resent him, even hate him some days for the position I am now in, he has completely changed my life for something I didn't get to choose, he chose this for me. He left me in the depths of despair and depression and not once did he put a hand out to comfort me. This is the man who told me the day before I found out, while we were making love that he really loved me. We laughed and joked in bed together and had fun.

 

In the 22 years \i knew him we hardly had an argument, didn't fall out. We were like 2 teenagers sometimes with our closeness.

 

I feel betrayed, I feel like they've ripped my heart out and stamped all over it. I am broken.

[Woggle]

There are many men going through your situation right now though not too many women. In their cases as in yours you have become the scapegoat for all his unhappiness. Instead of taking the initiative to fix what is bothering him he blames you. I don't understand why he did what he did but one day he will regret it.