Fallen for a married woman

[NeverthoughtIdbehear]

So I have been holding this in for over a year now and out of deperation found this site on a google search looking for advice.

So here is the story.

 

Long and short of it is this..

I have fallen in love with a co-worker who is married. We have been having an affair for over a year.

Now this affair started because we were both going through difficulties in our relationships and found eachother via support. We have both tried to end the affair but we cant.

In both our relationships we sought counseling both couples and separate but they did not help.I can only speak on part of my relationship that we were just not meant to be together. She was miserable with me and for the longest time I believed it was me that was upsetting her. My friends and family helped and supported me through this time and instilled that it was not my fault that the relationship ended and that I did every thing to make it work.

My relationship has since ended and hers has not.

She tells me that she cannot let me go and asks that I be patient with her as she has intentions of leaving but do to the working situation we all share she wants to make it easy for her husband to save embarassment and I guess embarassment for all of us. She is a wonderful person and we are connected on so many different levels. I have read posts in here that suggest stopping the affair until she leaves and have contemplated it many times and have suggested it to her but she talks me out of it. She has told me that her relationship is like having a roommate. She respects her husband but does not love him and does not want to hurt him. She is afraid of embarassment for her, her family, his family when she does leave him and she does not want to hurt or disappoint any one. She tells me that her relationship is sexless and I believe it based on some of the comments that her husband has passed at work. She has told me of arguements that have happened where he has threatened to leave but recants later. He has told her that he will live in a sexless marriage if he has too. I know her well enough to know that he is fully aware of their relationship standing and her feelings that he is a roomate.( if I was him I would have left but I guess Im bias in a way)

I have been around the block and I have never felt this way about any one EVER!!! but something tells me that WE are not going to be together in that she out of family and public perseption will not leave her husband.

I have no one to talk to about this this affair is not known to anyone but suspected by few who cannot substantiate it and are known gossipers'.

 

I would appreciate any advice, direction, input that any one has.....if anything this will be good for me to talk about as I think that I am starting to go crazy....thus why Inneverthoughtidbehere!!!

[reboot]

And you believe this crap she tells you? She lies to her husband daily and you think she tells you the truth? Please, she's obviously a cake eater. She probably has no intention of leaving her husband. And they're probably still having sex.

 

We all have free will. We can choose who we're with. You knew going in she belonged to someone else. You have something against single women?

 

Do you want to bring all this to a head? Tell her husband what's going on. He'll either kill you or divorce her. Either way you're out of your misery.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand why you may think she will leave, but the chances of that are very low. The only way she would leave, is if she was going to anyway before you came into the picture and it doesn't sound like that is the case. What she has with him still outweighs what she has with you. If it didn't, she'd be with you.

 

If you want to see her true intentions, you have to force her to show them. Tell her that you love her and want to be with her, but that until she shows you divorce papers and proof of separate residences from her husband that she is not to contact you in any way, shape or form.

 

Anything less is enabling her to stay married and keep you as OM, and you can bet some hard cash that she will continue on in the way for as long as you let her. Why? Because this works best for her. She gets to keep the status quo, and she gets to keep the guy on the side. Why would she give up either one if she doesn't have to?

 

She isn't going to leave either one of you, so one of you has to leave her in order to force a choice. Her husband isn't going anywhere. If you want her to make a choice, you will have to be the one to walk away.

 

She will either follow you and fight to keep you, or she will simply let you walk away. Either way, you will know her true intentions and feelings toward you.

[RamChops]

Welcome to LS ... hope it proves useful and is a first stepping stone on a road to recovery, or sanity, or whatever it is you're looking for.

 

As a general rule, listen to Lucrezia. Try to ignore the searing flames from elsewhere.

 

FYI, I am an OM who is/was in EXACTLY the same situation you are in - even down to the "I can't leave him because of family and public perception" line. That's not entirely a lie, but it really does put you in your place, which can be quite hurtful. Overall it's not pretty and it's not easy for anyone involved. I can understand why it's hard for both of you to walk away.

 

You no longer have your R, and you're looking at MW hoping that she too will give up her M to be with you ... really, though, if she's giving you excuses it's just not going to happen, or the chances are minimal - has she ever told you that she will/will not leave him? Look at it every which way you can - you just know she never will walk away from the M. Really you should steel yourself to not see her at all, or only in an extra-marital capacity ... which can't last forever and isn't healthy for anyone involved.

 

In all of this it's also easy to lose sight of the H ... don't forget that he deserves happiness in life too. Despite my grumblings about death threats I received from H in my case, before and during the A I told MW to think about him, and her M, and to leave me and work on it ... though I was also weak and kept drawing her close ... Anyway, I don't think it's your place to tell him anything, it's up to his W to be honest with him to let him make a fully informed decision. Whatever you decide to do should be between MW and you.

 

Good luck, and don't be a stranger ...

[White Flower]

Welcome to LS ... hope it proves useful and is a first stepping stone on a road to recovery, or sanity, or whatever it is you're looking for.

 

As a general rule, listen to Lucrezia. Try to ignore the searing flames from elsewhere.

 

FYI, I am an OM who is/was in EXACTLY the same situation you are in - even down to the "I can't leave him because of family and public perception" line. That's not entirely a lie, but it really does put you in your place, which can be quite hurtful. Overall it's not pretty and it's not easy for anyone involved. I can understand why it's hard for both of you to walk away.

 

You no longer have your R, and you're looking at MW hoping that she too will give up her M to be with you ... really, though, if she's giving you excuses it's just not going to happen, or the chances are minimal - has she ever told you that she will/will not leave him? Look at it every which way you can - you just know she never will walk away from the M. Really you should steel yourself to not see her at all, or only in an extra-marital capacity ... which can't last forever and isn't healthy for anyone involved.

 

In all of this it's also easy to lose sight of the H ... don't forget that he deserves happiness in life too. Despite my grumblings about death threats I received from H in my case, before and during the A I told MW to think about him, and her M, and to leave me and work on it ... though I was also weak and kept drawing her close ... Anyway, I don't think it's your place to tell him anything, it's up to his W to be honest with him to let him make a fully informed decision. Whatever you decide to do should be between MW and you.

 

Good luck, and don't be a stranger ...

Good post RC. You've come so far. I hope I get there soon. Good luck OP.

[wizer]

I have read posts in here that suggest stopping the affair until she leaves and have contemplated it many times and have suggested it to her but she talks me out of it.

 

If she was going to leave her husband, she would have. By continuing the affair she doesn't have enough of a reason to step up to the plate. Nothing is going to change unless YOU change. Grow a set and stop giving in to her. Stop the affair now, and consider it over until she proves her love for you by sacraficing her existing lifestyle to be with you. And if she doesn't do it, then you simply move on and let her do what she can with the guy who she happens to be MARRIED to.

[head.heart& hand]

Dear Ineverthought--

 

Sometime ago, Ineverthoughteither --yet I can completely relate. I have some questions? Were you married as well or in a committed realtionship? You mentioned you went to counseling... what did the counselor suggest? Did your mw disclose the affair in counseling? Do all three of you work together?

 

What are the implications of this relationship on your job (and your reputation at work)? What if the affair is disclosed? Does the emotional turmoil keep you from being productive and engaged at work? ---Protect yourself and your future.

 

My advice is for you to take a break from the relationship until your mw is very clear on what she wants and HOW she will move forward. She appears to be ambivalent--which is extremely normal. However, she could remain ambivalent indefinitely, and you could end up letting her talk you out of a break again and again--and on and on this affair could continue for some time to come. You don't want that. Now, how do you take a break if you work together? Would you consider taking another job, --would she?

 

Sounds like a lot of pain. I feel for both of you. I'm assuming you want to do the right thing. In your mw eyes, her affair may be symptomatic of bad marriage, yet she still has to work through whether or not it can be saved. Her love for you may make it easier to justify just how wrong her husband is for her, yet you said she loves and respects him as a friend.--that says a lot. She can't work through her marraige if there are three people in it. Being deeply and emotionally attached to you, she likely won't be able to see clearly ( perhaps for some time and if you contune to work together--)?

 

It's going to be a very difficult road for you regardless of how you proceed.

My best to you---

[frannie]

She tells me that she cannot let me go and asks that I be patient with her as she has intentions of leaving...

 

... she wants to make it easy for her husband to save embarassment.

 

... stopping the affair until she leaves and have contemplated it many times and have suggested it to her but she talks me out of it.

 

She has told me that her relationship is like having a roommate. She respects her husband but does not love him and does not want to hurt him. She is afraid of embarassment for her, her family, his family when she does leave him and she does not want to hurt or disappoint any one.

 

... something tells me that WE are not going to be together in that she out of family and public perseption will not leave her husband.

 

Hello there. I've just snipped a few sentences out of your original post which I believe give a good indication of what's going on.

 

Last things first... the sentence of yours I've bolded I believe sums it up. Your gut is telling you exactly what's going on.

 

The rest of what you've put expands on the whys. She's happy where she is, OK maybe not happy, but happy enough not to leave. For all the reasons she's told you, and probably lots more she hasn't or doesn't even know herself.

 

What can you do? Well you can stop giving in to her for one thing. If you need to end it for your own sanity then you go on and do it. She has no right to ask you to wait, while she makes no move to change her situation. What is happening here is what always happens in an OP/MP situation: you're taking account of all of her problems, and making them your own. You are putting your needs aside in order to twist your life around hers. But that's all wrong.

 

It's not your problem that she doesn't want to hurt her husband, doesn't want to face any 'embarrassment' (?), doesn't want this or that... at bottom she doesn't want a Divorce. So... if you want my advice you'll stop doing that.

 

Put yourself first. Your needs... your future happiness. If she ever feels that her needs are best served by leaving her present situation and seeking you out... then so be it. In the meantime... you've ended one relationship that wasn't giving you what you needed... only you can know when it's time to call a halt to this one too, and become the single guy free to date and live your life.

[NeverthoughtIdbehear]

Thanks to everyone for their responses. They were all taken as respected valuable input that I will consider during this journey. Again Thank you for your time in responding.

 

I have an update to my situation that occurred after taking some advice. I confronted her on her intentions and told her that as long as I was in the picture she could not make a sound judgement on her current relationship. I told her that she needed to be sure this is what she wanted given all the "collateral damage" that could occur as a result of her break up.

She told me that she did not want to let the best thing that ever walked into her life go. There were alot of tears but I stayed ture to the decision that to end it was the best for everyone and would allow for her to accurately and honestly evaluate her situation. THe last thing I wanted for her was to have regrets.

 

She surprised me by her reaction in that she went to her closest friend and mentor and disclosed for the first time to anyone the details of her poor relationship with her husband and that she wanted out. You are probably wondering how I know this, it comes from a mutal friend that we both share who met me at the water cooler to inquire as to whether or not I knew about the troubled marriage given that I was so close to them.

 

She has since called me and told me herself about the conversation and pleaded with me to be there to support her through this.

 

Soooooo Now what? How can I let the one of the best things in my life go through this alone and with the displayed action of setting the ball in motion walk away now.

(as I write this I feel like an idiot, is she sucking me back in?)

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, what do you want to do?

 

You might want to give it a little time and see what happens...

 

Is she sucking you back in? Who knows...Maybe she does love you and she's afraid of the unknown...She lives with the known now...Maybe it is fear of the unknown...

 

Go with your gut... If you two truly love each other, you'll find a way to work it out...Either now or later on down the road...

[Snowdog]

If this is as big a deal as it sounds then she won`t let you taking a step back be the end of your R.

Don`t be in it with her when she leaves.

 

Have the courage of your convictions, step back and see if she comes to you freely and not just because she wants out from a lame R with him. Don`t be a safety net. You should value yourself more.

 

You are in it up to your neck as far as influencing how her Marriage goes, you are the OM after all. So salvage some self-respect and back off.

[head.heart& hand]

 

 

Dear Ineverthought---,

 

You can rest easier knowing that she has already enlisted the support of a friend and mentor, so she is not alone. She should also make an appt with a counselor. The internal conflict in contemplating the un-doing of her marriage will be intense and one in which she will need very tender care and professional guidance. Your recent discussion sent her into a reactionary mode in which you are now experiencing her intial response. She loves you, she's in pain, and she fears losing you. You drew a line ( very articulately) and put her into a crisis in which she is now saying, "I want out of my marriage- help!" However, wanting out, and the complexity in getting out of out a marriage are two different things. Particularly when in quiet moments with herself she likely admits that asking for a divorce has more to do with her love for you then it has to do with a completely unsalvageable marriage ( -I'm assuming---)

 

quote-"but I stayed true to the decision that to end it was the best for everyone and would allow for her to accurately and honestly evaluate her situation. THe last thing I wanted for her was to have regrets."

 

You said it so well and your intentions appear sincere-- so stay true. You could always give her some assurances. Be true by being loyal,-- tell her you will be there if she separates/divorces, yet can't support her if you're interfereing at the same time. All that you said in your recent discussion holds true--even moreso now.

 

Knowing you will both be experiencing painful withdrawal, you could always consider touching base at some point--say in 3 or 6 months. I"m not sure my last piece of advice is the best -yet when I was there, I needed both discipline and a timeline.

 

I have been in a similar place and feel for you both.

[Mino]

 

 

Dear Ineverthought---,

 

You can rest easier knowing that she has already enlisted the support of a friend and mentor, so she is not alone. She should also make an appt with a counselor. The internal conflict in contemplating the un-doing of her marriage will be intense and one in which she will need very tender care and professional guidance. Your recent discussion sent her into a reactionary mode in which you are now experiencing her intial response. She loves you, she's in pain, and she fears losing you. You drew a line ( very articulately) and put her into a crisis in which she is now saying, "I want out of my marriage- help!" However, wanting out, and the complexity in getting out of out a marriage are two different things. Particularly when in quiet moments with herself she likely admits that asking for a divorce has more to do with her love for you then it has to do with a completely unsalvageable marriage ( -I'm assuming---)

 

quote-"but I stayed true to the decision that to end it was the best for everyone and would allow for her to accurately and honestly evaluate her situation. THe last thing I wanted for her was to have regrets."

 

You said it so well and your intentions appear sincere-- so stay true. You could always give her some assurances. Be true by being loyal,-- tell her you will be there if she separates/divorces, yet can't support her if you're interfereing at the same time. All that you said in your recent discussion holds true--even moreso now.

 

Knowing you will both be experiencing painful withdrawal, you could always consider touching base at some point--say in 3 or 6 months. I"m not sure my last piece of advice is the best -yet when I was there, I needed both discipline and a timeline.

 

I have been in a similar place and feel for you both.

Hi H H & H I read some of your story, an I was wondering if you are still in NC or was there a Happy ending? My mm is now in IC to figure all this and himself out. Want me to support him, but I am not sure if this is goo for us. 3 years together, wondering if I should go to nc while he figures himself out. Hard to do cause we work together.....

[bish]

Why don't you just tell her husband? Not only would that set things in motion...although she'd be rather pissed at you....but most importantly...he deserves to know just "what" he is married to.

 

that way he can make a decision about his life...because so far she is making it for him.

[reboot]

Tell her to call you when she has signed, notarized divorce papers in hand.

[NeverthoughtIdbehear]

Thanks GE for great input.....Im just really nervous and scared all at the same time

[NeverthoughtIdbehear]

THANK YOU HH&H....it is great to actually converse with some one that can relate with actual incite and experience with no judgement. I value your input so please stay with this thread and watch for updates to the situation.

[blindsidedagain]

Let me give you some insight from the other side.

I just learned that my woman has been in a 6 month affair.

I ended the affair when I found out about it.

The devastation has put me out of work for the last 5 weeks on medication.

You really don't know what this man feels about his wife.

You are both cheaters and it is very wrong.

Their sex life has nothing to do with you.

Most peoples sex lives dwindle over many years and his wife should have addressed this with him.

My wife's excuse was low self esteem and depression.

Again, poor excuses.

You feel strongly for this woman because it is an affair, secretive, etc.

If you were both single, it wouldn't feel as charged.

Let's be realistic, once you start living with each other that infatuation will come to a halt soon enough.

Then one of you will be looking elsewhere again.

You both should be ashamed of yourselves and have issues that should be addressed professionally.

Do not minimize or justify both of your wrongdoings by evaluating each others mates.

[nadiaj2727]

Have the courage of your convictions, step back and see if she comes to you freely and not just because she wants out from a lame R with him. Don`t be a safety net. You should value yourself more.

 

I agree! For me, "the courage to act on your convictions" is the definition of integrity. You have thought long and hard about this, and decided that the right thing to do is to step aside and let HER decide whether or not to end her marriage for reasons having to do with the marriage itself, not just because she wants to be with you. You acted on your well-examined belief. I admire you for that, it is hard... definitely the hardest step although examining/ accessing the situation realistically is often very hard in an affair, so I admire you for that, too.

 

Now, stay steadfast in your decision and your action, and that will be true integrity for which I believe you will be rewarded. Whether or not this woman you love chooses to leave her marriage, you will know that you did the right thing for everyone involved, especially yourself. For you have protected your heart and your conscience and ensured a healthy relationship -- if one is to be between you after she gets divorced -- instead of being her lifeboat.

 

I also agree with Reboot who says to tell her to come to you AFTER the divorce is over. This was the best advice I received while wondering if my xMM was really getting divorced or not. He would show me signs of supposed "progress" and I would get my hopes up, and each time some wise soul on this board would remind me that there's no way to know what that really means or how sincere his words are. Her words and intentions and steps (by telling her mentor) are nice, but all that truly matters to you (and all that really matters at all, when everything comes down to it) is ACTION. When she has shown you that she truly intended to end her marriage and be with you (with divorce papers), you can rest easy, instead of getting your hopes raised and dashed at all small signs. And if she doesn't get divorced, you can rest easy, knowing that you did the right thing. Good luck.

[CrazyBrain]

Ive been told to wait 6 weeks till after new year.

After hearing all the good info I will wait the 6 weeks. then give the ultimatum.

Is that an ultimatum? Come see me when its over.

[CrazyBrain]

I can understand why you may think she will leave, but the chances of that are very low. The only way she would leave, is if she was going to anyway before you came into the picture and it doesn't sound like that is the case. What she has with him still outweighs what she has with you. If it didn't, she'd be with you.

 

If you want to see her true intentions, you have to force her to show them. Tell her that you love her and want to be with her, but that until she shows you divorce papers and proof of separate residences from her husband that she is not to contact you in any way, shape or form.

 

Anything less is enabling her to stay married and keep you as OM, and you can bet some hard cash that she will continue on in the way for as long as you let her. Why? Because this works best for her. She gets to keep the status quo, and she gets to keep the guy on the side. Why would she give up either one if she doesn't have to?

 

She isn't going to leave either one of you, so one of you has to leave her in order to force a choice. Her husband isn't going anywhere. If you want her to make a choice, you will have to be the one to walk away.

 

She will either follow you and fight to keep you, or she will simply let you walk away. Either way, you will know her true intentions and feelings toward you.

 

I'm thinking I will wait to after holidays but I don't know if my anger will get the best of me.

[GirlZilla]

I can understand why you may think she will leave, but the chances of that are very low. The only way she would leave, is if she was going to anyway before you came into the picture and it doesn't sound like that is the case. What she has with him still outweighs what she has with you. If it didn't, she'd be with you.

 

If you want to see her true intentions, you have to force her to show them. Tell her that you love her and want to be with her, but that until she shows you divorce papers and proof of separate residences from her husband that she is not to contact you in any way, shape or form.

 

Anything less is enabling her to stay married and keep you as OM, and you can bet some hard cash that she will continue on in the way for as long as you let her. Why? Because this works best for her. She gets to keep the status quo, and she gets to keep the guy on the side. Why would she give up either one if she doesn't have to?

 

She isn't going to leave either one of you, so one of you has to leave her in order to force a choice. Her husband isn't going anywhere. If you want her to make a choice, you will have to be the one to walk away.

 

She will either follow you and fight to keep you, or she will simply let you walk away. Either way, you will know her true intentions and feelings toward you.

 

These words are inspiring and wise.....Something I am definately gonna take to heart.