one night stand

[kelly12324]

i have been happily married for 3 years, my husband has been away for 3 months. I went out on the weekend and got really drunk and ended up haveing a one night stand with someone i work with. I feel really guilty and upset that this has happened i cant believed it happened,i cant really remember how i ended up in this mess. What should i do now, i think i should tell my husband but i know he will leave me, please give me some advice, i dont know how to cope with this.

[sb129]

Oh dear. Is your marriage really that happy for you do go and do that when your H is away?

 

Don't be surprised if you get some responses of the "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it" variety.

 

Getting drunk really isn't that good an excuse- you MUST have known deep down that what you were doing was wrong.

 

Anyway- whether you tell him or not is ultimately your decision, but you need to weigh up a few factors.

 

1. Is he a forgiving kind of person? Could you move on from this as a couple?

 

2. Is he likely to find out from any other source? If so, you have to tell him. If he finds out from anyone else, he will be much less forgiving, even if he finds out years in the future.

 

3. Can YOU live with the guilt if you don't tell him? Do you think you could file it away, and forget about it? Could you deal with it if it resurfaced years later- during which time you might have children etc?

 

4. Do you think its fair to NOT tell him, as by not telling him, you are taking the decision whether to stay with an unfaithful wife or not away from him. You are essentially making decisions for both of you based on your indiscretion, which is pretty selfish.

 

5. If you don't tell him, your marriage will be based on a lie.

He thinks he is married to a faithful woman, and he isn't.

[scubafish]

I know you will get many opinions here and many people are for the 'tell all' approach. but, I think it may depend on how can handle the guilt feelings, if you do not tell. sometimes it seems, people hold it in, but it can end up erroding you inside, and that alone may hurt your happiness.

and down the line this can hurt your 'happy' relationship.

 

why has he been gone so long? military? work? is there a way you can work on seeing him more often?

 

is there a way you can be sure this does not happen again? what does the guy you slept with think, will he be hoping for more? or does he think it was a mistake as well.

[Darth Vader]

Tell him, let him make a decision about his own life, fess up!

[Bryanp]

You sound like you are very remorseful. You know in your heart you need to tell your husband. You also have the problem that if it was unprotected sex that you will need to get tested for STD's. Are you this heavy a drinker. Is it possible that you were drugged? The bottom line is that you have to tell your husband so you both can try to work through this. Your marriage has to be based on a foundation of honesty and mutual respect. It does sound odd that you describe yourself being in a very happy marriage and then you go out heavy drinking and end up with a one night stand. I think marriage counseling is certainly in order. The bottom line is that you need to tell your husband. He has a right to know and I think you know this also. I wish you luck.

[bish]

i have been happily married for 3 years, my husband has been away for 3 months. I went out on the weekend and got really drunk and ended up haveing a one night stand with someone i work with. I feel really guilty and upset that this has happened i cant believed it happened,i cant really remember how i ended up in this mess. What should i do now, i think i should tell my husband but i know he will leave me, please give me some advice, i dont know how to cope with this.

 

So the question is...why did you go out and get drunk when H is gone anyway?

 

When the cat is away the mice will play.

 

This is why its not appropriate for committed/married people to go out partying.

 

In answer to your question, yes, you confess....he has a right to know and decide what he wants to do about it.

 

And remember..only reason you spread your legs for another man is because you wanted to.....being drunk is not an excuse.

[Cobra_X30]

i have been happily married for 3 years, my husband has been away for 3 months. I went out on the weekend and got really drunk and ended up haveing a one night stand with someone i work with. I feel really guilty and upset that this has happened i cant believed it happened,i cant really remember how i ended up in this mess. What should i do now, i think i should tell my husband but i know he will leave me, please give me some advice, i dont know how to cope with this.

 

Which are you most interested in... Doing what is best for your husband? Or doing what is best for you?

 

That answer will dictate your approach on this!

[Passionate69]

What if your hubby also cheated on you while he is gone ? you never know what is really going on out there while he is working at. i heard there are a lots of beautiful military ladies.

 

if i were you i'll keep my mouth shut and avoid drinking alcohol with male. thats only me.

[burningman]

I'm in your husbands shoes right now. I'll say this to you.... if you decide to tell him and he wants to know everything you need to dump it all out, right then and right there. Don't drip the info out little by little because you are in denial and you want to save face and spin it. You start owning it immediately. It took my wife 18 days to get it all out and those 18 days chipped away at the last little piece of trust I had. I finally had to pack my bags up and threaten to leave because she wouldn't stop lying "to protect me." If you are lucky, he won't want to know everything.

[Tony T]

i have been happily married for 3 years, my husband has been away for 3 months. I went out on the weekend and got really drunk and ended up haveing a one night stand with someone i work with. I feel really guilty and upset that this has happened i cant believed it happened,i cant really remember how i ended up in this mess. What should i do now, i think i should tell my husband but i know he will leave me, please give me some advice, i dont know how to cope with this.

 

DO NOT tell him under any circumstances. The chances are excellent your marriage will be destroyed. Fessing up to disloyalty of any kind is usually fatal in a marriage. Very few of them get through it without very major damage or simply dissolution.

 

Keep it to yourself, forgive yourself, get therapy if you must and move on. Also, don't tell any friends either. No matter how close you are to somebody, people generally can't keep their mouths shut about stuff like this.

[Citizen Erased]

Don't tell him. Stay away from the alcohol, you clearly are not capable of handling it, nor is your marriage. Get checked for STD's, don't tell anyone about it and hope to dear God that youdon't have a conscience.

 

Don't ruin his life just because you can't keep your legs closed.

[jerbear]

i have been happily married for 3 years, my husband has been away for 3 months. I went out on the weekend and got really drunk and ended up haveing a one night stand with someone i work with. I feel really guilty and upset that this has happened i cant believed it happened,i cant really remember how i ended up in this mess. What should i do now, i think i should tell my husband but i know he will leave me, please give me some advice, i dont know how to cope with this.

 

There are things in a woman's heart that should be kept in a woman's heart. This maybe one of them.

[Curmudgeon]

DO NOT tell him under any circumstances. The chances are excellent your marriage will be destroyed. Fessing up to disloyalty of any kind is usually fatal in a marriage. Very few of them get through it without very major damage or simply dissolution.

 

Keep it to yourself, forgive yourself, get therapy if you must and move on. Also, don't tell any friends either. No matter how close you are to somebody, people generally can't keep their mouths shut about stuff like this.

 

That's great advice. NOT!

 

If you do tell him then he can make a knowing choice about the type of woman he married and whether or not she's worth hanging on to or can ever be trusted again.

 

If you don't tell him then you will always be walking on eggshells waiting for that shoe to drop -- that being when he finds out from another source.

 

Fess-up and take your chances! Better he hears it from you than someone else. That way you might stand a chance.

[Curmudgeon]

There are things in a woman's heart that should be kept in a woman's heart. This maybe one of them.

 

...they involve someone else's.

[jerbear]

...they involve someone else's.

 

very true but there are certains things in life that are best kept underwraps and takes to the grave.

 

It will eat a person inside but there are things bigger than ones mistakes. It is a personal call.

[IpAncA]

Oh please! Bad...bad...advice on telling her she shouldn't say anything IMO.

 

A decent person would tell the person they cheated on and accept responsiblity for their actions. There are no excuses for cheating and that's that.

 

Fess-up and take your chances! Better he hears it from you than someone else.

 

Agreed!

[Curmudgeon]

Oh please! Bad...bad...advice on telling her she shouldn't say anything IMO.

 

A decent person would tell the person they cheated on and accept responsiblity for their actions. There are no excuses for cheating and that's that.

 

I was beginning to think I was the odd-person-out here.

[jerbear]

I was beginning to think I was the odd-person-out here.

 

I see your side but from the OP's tone, she seemed geniunely sincere and made a real mistake. A true regret and geniune mistake.

 

I've seen posting were the ONS was semi-desired and used as an excuse with no remorse.

[IpAncA]

I was beginning to think I was the odd-person-out here.

 

Oh no...we're out there.

 

I see your side but from the OP's tone, she seemed geniunely sincere and made a real mistake. A true regret and geniune mistake.

 

I've seen posting were the ONS was semi-desired and used as an excuse with no remorse.

 

So because she "sounds" sincere she souldn't say anything? Sorry but I'm amazed at how sorry people are once something big like this happends. Doesn't look like they were sorry when they were doing it. But then again it's just an observation.

[jerbear]

So because she "sounds" sincere she souldn't say anything? Sorry but I'm amazed at how sorry people are once something big like this happends. Doesn't look like they were sorry when they were doing it. But then again it's just an observation.

 

Guess it was a judgement call on my part.

 

Now it is the OP's choice in how she wants to proceed. In the end, it is the choices and judgements we made that we have to account for.

[Curmudgeon]

Now it is the OP's choice in how she wants to proceed. In the end, it is the choices and judgements we made that we have to account for.

 

SHE gets to decide how she wants to procede yet her cuckolded husband has no choice in the matter at all.

 

But I guess that's OK so long as she's remorseful, huh?

 

And I'm sure she's made an appointment to be checked for STDs and if she has one she'll tell her husband it came from the swimming pool or the toilet seat, right? Oh, and as long as she's on the subject, and just to be on the safe side, he should get checked too. But of course, she won't have to fess-up at all and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

 

But wait! He's gone for awhile. What a relief. She may not have to say anything at all and all will be right with the world.

 

PUHLEEZE! Whatever happened to owning what youy do and taking personal responsibility for it? Is that truly a lost art with the young, and some of the not so young as well?

[Curmudgeon]

Oh no...we're out there.

 

So because she "sounds" sincere she souldn't say anything? Sorry but I'm amazed at how sorry people are once something big like this happends. Doesn't look like they were sorry when they were doing it. But then again it's just an observation.

 

Just you and me, Babe. No one ever needs to know. And the best part of it is, we don't even have to be sorry 'cause it'll just be our little secret, right?

[IpAncA]

it came from the swimming pool or the toilet seat, right?

 

 

Just you and me, Babe. No one ever needs to know. And the best part of it is, we don't even have to be sorry 'cause it'll just be our little secret, right?

 

Yep.

[jerbear]

SHE gets to decide how she wants to procede yet her cuckolded husband has no choice in the matter at all.

 

But I guess that's OK so long as she's remorseful, huh?

 

And I'm sure she's made an appointment to be checked for STDs and if she has one she'll tell her husband it came from the swimming pool or the toilet seat, right? Oh, and as long as she's on the subject, and just to be on the safe side, he should get checked too. But of course, she won't have to fess-up at all and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

 

But wait! He's gone for awhile. What a relief. She may not have to say anything at all and all will be right with the world.

 

PUHLEEZE! Whatever happened to owning what youy do and taking personal responsibility for it? Is that truly a lost art with the young, and some of the not so young as well?

 

Some decisions and choices are made without the other person's input.

 

It does not seem fair, it does not seem nice, and sure it hurts. Sometimes things just happen. I don't agree she should keep it from her husband but somethings are best left alone. Getting and STD, pregnancy, etc... are decisions she has to deal with.

 

Responsibility is hard to take sometimes, owning up to ones mistakes is not easy. The easy part is making the mistake and having a lapse in judgement.

 

From my point of view, give her the options and let her choose. Some choices may not bet the best but should still be included, even if it is against our own reasoning.

[DazedandConfused66]

Responsibility is hard to take sometimes, owning up to ones mistakes is not easy. The easy part is making the mistake and having a lapse in judgement.

 

 

For the irresponsible, responsibility is hard to take.

 

And for a person in a marriage, they have a responsibility to themselves AND to their spouse. That's what's wrong here with all the "DONT TELL HIM" advice. It's a recommendation of abdication of responsibility to honor your spouse.

 

And I agree...owning up to a mistake isn't easy to do. Nothing in this life worth having is easy. Except honesty. Honesty is easy...it's dealing with the consequences of our mistakes that's hard. Because we KNOW we deserve the consequences, but we'd like to cheat a second time by avoiding them.

 

You've already dishonored your husband and your marriage vows. Do you wish to live the rest of your life continuing to dishonor them by hiding the truth of your mistake from your husband? Tell him, throw yourself on his mercy and beg his forgiveness. Show him the remorse that you seem to have to us. And pray that his heart is big enough to forgive you and rebuild the trust that you've just violated.

 

Or cheapen the marriage for the rest of your life by hiding this from him. You'll never live to the level of happiness you both deserve if you do. You'll be on these boards trying to persuade others to live their lives by lying to their spouse as well just to make yourself feel better for your own lies.