15 years ago...

[booboolove]

Fifteen years ago, I found the man of my dreams. My soul mate. And he felt that way too. No amount of words can explain the connection we had. He could tell me what I was thinking at any given moment by the expression on my face. Word for word, what I was thinking. He never left my side. He loved me and loved all my faults. We could talk for hours about any subject in a passionate and profound way. He wrote me love letters all the time. And I was absolutely head over heals in love with him. We explored each others souls like neither of us had done before and built a trust between us that I wasn't even aware could exist. "Toe-curling" (an expression a friend came up with) is a good way to describe it. He made my toes curl.

 

We dated and lived together for about a year, but we were in a financial nightmare. Things just kept getting harder. Heavy family pressures, on both our parts, didn't help matters. There were many, many outside pressures.

 

Then, one day, I got on a plane, saying I was going to visit family, kissed him goodbye at the airport, and never returned. I cried the entire plane ride. I felt like I was riping my own heart out. My intention for leaving was, to give in to the outside pressures of life and, let us each move on. I truly believed at the time, that it was what was best for both of us. But, I absolutely crushed his heart. I never got the chance to explain to him why I had left. I couldn't live with myself so, to cope, I just kept running forward and tried not to look back.

 

Now, fifteen years later, I am married to someone else. I married for convienence because I knew I would never love someone like that again. I've been married for eleven years now. I have been very honest with my husband and he knows this and he still loves me.

 

I have also honored my husband. I haven't tried to contact my old love but, in all these years, I haven't stopped thinking of him. Thinking about what I had given up. Asking myself "What was I thinking?!?"

 

Am I crazy? Should I move on? Should I continue to cherish my memories? Am I just dwelling on unfinished business? So many questions...

 

I should add here that my husband is, and always has been, an emotionally unavailable person. A trait I thought would make my life easier when I met him. It's certainly been challenging. I will leave it at that.

 

What should I do?

[Uhriventis]

You most definitely need to move on but what do I know?

 

15 years ago? Wasn't that in like the early 90's?

 

I'd say cherish the man you have now.

[Brooks06]

do you know anything about this guy? is he married? did he move on and create a life for himself after you?

i think if 15 years have passed and you still think about him that you should find him, talk to him. maybe all you need to know is that he is okay, to say sorry. or maybe its your soulmate and you cant be truly happy without him. whatever you end up doing is unfair to your husband. whether you contact your ex and talk to him or whether you sit around all day and think about him, they are both bad situations for your husband.

but hey, do what your heart says. if i were the other guy i would probably still have part of my heart saved for you...i would still wonder how you were, what you are up to. give it a shot. you only live once, might as well do it with no regrets.

[Lee725]

 

I have also honored my husband. I haven't tried to contact my old love but, in all these years, I haven't stopped thinking of him. Thinking about what I had given up. Asking myself "What was I thinking?!?"

 

Am I crazy? Should I move on? Should I continue to cherish my memories? Am I just dwelling on unfinished business? So many questions...

 

I should add here that my husband is, and always has been, an emotionally unavailable person. A trait I thought would make my life easier when I met him. It's certainly been challenging. I will leave it at that.

 

What should I do?

 

Hi Booboolove, in my little opinion i think that it is unfinished business that you may be feeling.

You left him and didnt explain why.

 

If leaving him originally was not the right thing that you should have done, then you would have gone back or atleast contacted him not long after you left, you would not have waited 15 years.

 

When people have amazing connections it does not always mean that the relationship is destined to succeed.

 

10 years ago, i did a similar thing, i loved this man, he loved me and it was almost the same as you described.

I was with him for a bit over 3 years and to turn my back on him was the hardest thing to do, but i knew it was for the best.

 

Now 10 years on i still see him occasionally, he is married now with 2 boys, and sometimes i look at the boys and think they should be mine.

I respect his wife and family. It was my choice to leave.

 

I have had the chance to make peace with what i done to him, and now we are good friends, in fact he still vists my father.

 

Even after all this time, contact him somehow, try email if you can because it is a good way to get out what you are thinking and feeling without being embarassed or loosing track of what you need to say.

If you can find out where he works you should be able to get his email.

An email will also allow an opportunity for an unthreatening door of contact to open.

You say what you need to, but be prepared that he may not reply.

 

He may be married and have moved on also, so it would not be a good idea to upset that by running into him personally.

 

You need to make peace with what you did, you soul is uneasy because it is an area of your life with never concluded in a definate way.

 

Please be mindful tho in any decision that you make about your husband, he is an innocent party in this and even if he is emotionally unavailable (recently dated and emotionally unavailable man, so i know what you mean there), he can still feels emotions.

It will still have a heavy impact on him no matter how honest you are about what you are doing or feeling.

 

Good luck booboolove, please keep us informed and i really hope you find the conclusion you need to move on.

[sedgwick]

Please find him. Please tell him why you did what you did. I can guarantee you that he's blamed himself for years and probably still does. I don't think I'll ever get over my ex, who essentially also just took off. Everything was great one day, the next day he was gone. I cannot fathom ever loving or trusting anyone ever again, and I certainly cannot fathom getting married. He took my trust and crushed it, and I am never going to take that kind of risk again.

 

I am so happy for your ex that he was able to go on and marry; I can't imagine ever being able to do that. Please find him, please tell him...you will be setting him free.

[qwertyu]

just wondering, how did you manage to marry of convenience?

 

reading this scares me. i just cant imagine not being with someone i truly love for the rest of my life.

 

i definitely think you shld move on since its been 15 years ago & you're already married & your husband has been pretty good to you but i would want to have a definite closure with that guy so if its within your means to contact him, i feel like you should talk to him to wrap everything up & at least maybe you can move on without these feelings that constantly haunt you.

[FindingMyselfAgain]

Now, fifteen years later, I am married to someone else. I married for convienence because I knew I would never love someone like that again. I've been married for eleven years now. I have been very honest with my husband and he knows this and he still loves me.

 

O.

M.

F.

G.

 

You dishonor your current husband by never being emotionally available YOURSELF. You have this fantasy of how things were, and you are holding on to something that YOU killed and yet you reminisce over. Who knows if the connection would have remained? Life has a way of watering-down passionate love.

 

Your post is -- literally -- the scariest post I have ever read on this forum. HEAVENLY FATHER, please shield me from a woman who 'marries me for convenience'.

 

The man I feel sorriest for is your current husband.

[booboolove]

Thank you for your insight. Please know that I give my husband all of me (accept for that small part) every day. You are right, I do have fantasies about something that I killed, but I know we all hold a place in our heart for a previous love, so I know I am not alone in this manner of thinking. I do not believe that you or I or, anyone else for that matter, should ever be made to forget their past. My husband was married before and has a big part of his heart that belongs to his ex-wife, but I think that's healthy. I would be more concerned if he still hated her for leaving. Forgive but never forget.

 

Also, my husband wasn't looking for a close emotional connection with anyone. I fit the bill perfectly. It may not be your idea of a dream romance story, but it works for us.

 

In general, friendly advice tends to lead us to forget the injustices in our lives, whether it be our upbringing or broken hearts. I believe that remembering them then forgiving will let you understand that you have survived and ultimately, gain strength.

 

In my case, I did the hurting and I believe that when we do something like this, an apology is owed. But, my chances have long since passed. I don't plan on contacting my ex to say sorry. I am more concerned with my own internal battle and how to set it right.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to leave me your opinion. I really do appreciate all input.

[sderenzi]

O.

M.

F.

G.

 

You dishonor your current husband by never being emotionally available YOURSELF. You have this fantasy of how things were, and you are holding on to something that YOU killed and yet you reminisce over. Who knows if the connection would have remained? Life has a way of watering-down passionate love.

 

Your post is -- literally -- the scariest post I have ever read on this forum. HEAVENLY FATHER, please shield me from a woman who 'marries me for convenience'.

 

The man I feel sorriest for is your current husband.

 

I could not agree more, lady you are surely nuts But despite that let me explain a few things:

 

1. This man likely has a wife and has forgotten all about you, 15 years is a very long time so stop delluding yourself.

 

2. I suggest to you female this man should be left alone, you already broke his heart apart and now you want to go track him down then do it all over again? He certainly wouldn't feel any better having you there I gauruntee this..

 

3. I suggest to you the issue is not the old bf, the issue is the current husband. You are not meant for this one so your mind wanders into bizarre areas of the past.

[FindingMyselfAgain]

Also, my husband wasn't looking for a close emotional connection with anyone. I fit the bill perfectly. It may not be your idea of a dream romance story, but it works for us.

Okay, that's interesting. It's not a choice for me, but I can respect your mutual choice.

 

In my case, I did the hurting and I believe that when we do something like this, an apology is owed. But, my chances have long since passed. I don't plan on contacting my ex to say sorry. I am more concerned with my own internal battle and how to set it right.

I get ya. Here's the deal for me: I'm a member of a 12 step program, and I find that addiction comes in MANY ways, including obsessions over relationships. If you truly want to do something that worked for me, check out something called CoDependents Anonymous. While you might not be a True CoDa, I know I benefit greatly from working the steps on the issue at hand.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to leave me your opinion. I really do appreciate all input.

 

You ain't such a bad lady after all. I extend my apologies for taking your inventory and judging. Once again, my Higher Power shows me that armed with only a fraction of the story, I might render a judgment that has a fraction of truth to it.

[FindingMyselfAgain]

3. I suggest to you the issue is not the old bf, the issue is the current husband. You are not meant for this one so your mind wanders into bizarre areas of the past.

 

This is an interesting comment. Perhaps, Thread Author, it might be time to look at ratcheting things up to a new level of intimacy -- either with the current (preferred) or a brand new guy. It's clear you hunger for that -- as we all do.

[booboolove]

3. I suggest to you the issue is not the old bf, the issue is the current husband. You are not meant for this one so your mind wanders into bizarre areas of the past.

 

This is an interesting comment. Perhaps, Thread Author, it might be time to look at ratcheting things up to a new level of intimacy -- either with the current (preferred) or a brand new guy. It's clear you hunger for that -- as we all do.

 

You are quite right. I do hunger for something much more meaningful. This is something that in eleven years of marriage I have worked on a bit. I didn't delude myself with high hopes that it would ever be anything more, but how could I not try? There have been times that I felt a butterfly or two, if only for a fleeting moment.

 

To make all this time pass, I agressively moved forward with our relationship, creating all the mile markers of a "good" marriage. House, kids, etc. I know these things alone do not fill the heart, but I love my children more than life itself and to leave there father would devaste them. I could never live with myself knowing I had destroyed my childrens lives to chase a pipe dream. Besides, things aren't so bad.

 

Please know that, before I had met my husband, who is very financially stable, and was with the ex, we were financially destitute. We wouldn't eat sometimes, other times we had no roof over our heads. I thought love was enough, but turns out, you have to pay attention to the nuts and bolts of life. What a concept!

 

I respect my husband tremendously because he has the fortitude to be a good provider for us. Again, this might not be an ideal on which you would wish to build your relationship, but, considering how impoverished I was before, financial stability became very attractive to me. I didn't become a gold-digger, just rearranged my priorities.

 

Still, my problem remains. Do I need to move on? If so, how? Does moving on mean forgetting? Do I just need to forgive myself for causing another person so much pain?

 

I am alone frequently and that is when this all gets complicated in my head.

[simple]

sounds exactly like what my wife is dealing with right now. unfortunately she was never honest with me about her true feelings and now I am left here picking up the pieces of what I believed was a truly great marriage.

 

i wish i could tell you what to do to make it go away. i can only tell you that it probably has a much greater impact on your current husband that you are willing to recognize.

 

so your husband is emotionally unavailable to you? do you think perhaps that might becasue he knows that investing emotion in the relationship is a waste since he can never be the one you really want to be with?

[MattyTee]

I was trying to think of lots of meaningful things to say but then I saw simple's post and I have to say I agree. This is probably hurting your current husband and I hate to say it but your kids will know on some level too. Children are much more aware then they get credit for, they are learning from you about what a 'loving' relationship is. Staying together for the sake of the kids isn't always the wonderful thing it appears to be.

 

I think you have to do some soul searching and see if this is an addiction to a fantasy of the past or whether the connection you had really was deep and meaningful. Really, you only have two options: you either try and make contact or you don't. If you don't then you need to move through this for the sake of your husband and your children.

 

I would suggest going to see a counselor to help you through this. I know it's not easy on you - but it's not easy on anyone around you either.

[CaliGuy]

Still, my problem remains. Do I need to move on?

 

Yes. Dear Lord, yes.

 

If so, how?

 

By simply accepting the fact that after 15 years, it's far, far too late to reconcile and by contacting your ex, regardless of the reason, you will simply open old wounds. What's done is done. Let it go. You can not change the past but you can cause much more damage.

 

Leave sleeping dogs lay, knowwhatImean?

 

Does moving on mean forgetting?

 

In your case, yes. If you haven't moved on it's simply by choice. You made the decision you made for whatever reason. Trying to undo the choices you made in the past will simply not work and cause many more problems. You will resolve nothing. What's done is done.

 

Do I just need to forgive myself for causing another person so much pain?

 

Not to be rude here, but what makes you think your ex is in pain? For all you know he could be happily married to the woman of his dreams. If you both were meant to be, you would have stuck it out and he would have been relentless in pursuing you. Since you haven't indicated either are true, one can only assume this was God's plan for you both.

 

I am alone frequently and that is when this all gets complicated in my head.

 

Idle hands, not good. I would suggest investing time in new hobbies, friends, working out and perhaps attending classes. Again, nothing you do now will change the past, but you can do a lot of damage to your PRESENT and FUTURE. To yourself and to your ex but more importantly to your family.

 

These are the choices you made and you must live with them. They do not have to control your thoughts or ruin your present. There's no reason to live in regret. What's done is done. Accept it and let it go.

 

There's a million other things you could be doing to be productive with your time. Living your life staring at the rear view mirror is certainly NOT one of them.

 

Let it go. Dear Lord, let it go.

[booboolove]

 

 

By simply accepting the fact that after 15 years, it's far, far too late to reconcile and by contacting your ex, regardless of the reason, you will simply open old wounds.

 

I have no intention of contacting him.

 

Not to be rude here, but what makes you think your ex is in pain? For all you know he could be happily married to the woman of his dreams.

 

I don't think he's in pain now. I did fly back about a year after I left for other business and contacted him. We didn't talk all that much but I did tell him that I still loved him. He practically jumped up and proceeded to tell me, very loudly and in detail, about all the heartache he had gone through in the months following me leaving. Bone crushing heartache is a good way to sum it up. I was very upset with myself for causing so much pain and was utterly ashamed of myself. When I tried explaining why I left, he simply said he didn't want to hear it. And I respected his wishes. I stuck my head in the sand and tried to move on. Seems that no matter how hard you try to bury it, your issue will poke it's head out and asked to be resovled. So, here I am.

 

I hope he is happily married. I'm not trying to start anything, only resolve this issue internally.

 

Many years later, while talking to a male friend, it was brought to my attention that maybe when I left, he was feeling that I didn't think he was good enough. I found myself, again, wishing that I had the chance to explain to him that wasn't the reason at all. I left because I truly believed that caving to the familial pressures was the right thing to do. We shared the belief that our families were of the utmost importance and we had both walked away from our families to be together.

 

Idle hands, not good.

 

Nothing but truth there.

 

These are the choices you made and you must live with them. They do not have to control your thoughts or ruin your present. There's no reason to live in regret. What's done is done. Accept it and let it go.

 

There's a million other things you could be doing to be productive with your time. Living your life staring at the rear view mirror is certainly NOT one of them.

 

You are so right. I guess my problem stems from the fact that I spent too many years running forward (running away) from it in an attempt not to deal with it. When my life "settled down", it caught up to me. So I sit here trying to figure out how to best resolve this. When my thinking gets stuck, I seek feedback. You have certainly been generous with that. Thank you. I really do appreciate all feedback.

 

Please know that I do honor my husband in every other way that is measurable. I have tremendous respect for him and tell him so all the time. And, I promise, he does not perceive that anything is missing.

 

When it's time for me to be a wife, I am. When it's time to be a mom, I am. When I am alone, well, I contemplate life. I focus a lot on my future and where I want to be, emotionally, down the road. My brain just cannot seem to get me out of this one.

 

I mean this in the nicest way possible. Please remember, you are here as well, so there is something you are trying to get help resolving too. No one has it all figured out.

 

Warmest Regards, Booboolove

[birdie]

I think this has nothing to do with your ex. it is about your being unhappy in your current marriage and you are thinking back to your first love or only love. you left for quite legitimate reasons 15 years ago (although in a fairly cowardly way if I may say so) and you are thinking about leaving once again because you have realised that the alternative you chose isn't working for you either. I think your past is resolved, you understand your own motives and now you have to figure out what to do next. you have to find a third way.

[booboolove]

I think this has nothing to do with your ex. it is about your being unhappy in your current marriage and you are thinking back to your first love or only love.

 

This could be. The relationship with my husband started out as a rebound of sorts. I never really loved him in the beginning. I have grown to love him over the years but it will never be anything remotely like what I had with my ex. I have known this all along and have always "thought back". In the earlier years of this, the wound was way to fresh for me to have any real perspective on how to handle it. Now that enough years have passed, I have the distance to look at things a little more objectively. My issue arises when I try to get this right and still can't see any real solution.

 

 

you left for quite legitimate reasons 15 years ago (although in a fairly cowardly way if I may say so)

 

I have never denied that I was a complete coward by leaving the way I did. I knew I was a coward before I made the decision to leave him. I have a stream of justifications running through my head, but ultimately, they are just excuses.

 

you are thinking about leaving once again because you have realised that the alternative you chose isn't working for you either.

 

I always thought of leaving my husband. I have a habit of running from my problems. I chose not to do that with him and have stubornly stuck to my decision, right, wrong or otherwise.

 

I think your past is resolved, you understand your own motives and now you have to figure out what to do next. you have to find a third way.

 

Maybe it is resolved. Doesn't feel that was in my head though. There is no option for a third way, to my thinking. I need to stay and make this one work. I have the capacity and the motivation. I also understand that not all lifes journeys are meant to be exhilirating. With that said, I also have had a taste of exhiliration and yearn for it, knowing full well that it is a form of addiction. Hence my other motivation to accept the mundaneness of my current life. Knowing all this helps, but doesn't make it go away.

[spookie]

I'm gonna disagree with everyone here and say that I think you should contact him.

 

Your marriage is my worst nightmare. Going through he motions with someone I don't really love, don't love as much as I know I can. You have one life to live, and it's short. Wouldn't you rather make the most of it?

 

If after 15 years you still think of this man, there must have been something special there. Something that isn't so easy to find.

 

If I were you I wouldn;t let any more time go by before I followed my heart. I'd seek him out, find out more about him. If he isn't married, I'd attempt to contact him - better yet, I'd find out where he lived and attempt to run into him and see if the sparks still fly.

[booboolove]

I'm gonna disagree with everyone here and say that I think you should contact him.

 

Your marriage is my worst nightmare. Going through he motions with someone I don't really love, don't love as much as I know I can. You have one life to live, and it's short. Wouldn't you rather make the most of it?

 

I would. But I have found other ways to try and fill the void in my life left by this love. I have great kids and wonderful friends. I cannot, in good conscience, devastate my kids lives in order to chase a gamble. If the time ever comes when I am no longer able to stay in my marriage, I will go and look for him. But, my most important responsibilty right now is my kids. The end. They are still young (elementary school age) and love their father tremendously. This would be more than just disrupting the life of my husband, but my children as well.

 

If after 15 years you still think of this man, there must have been something special there. Something that isn't so easy to find.

 

Like nothing you can imagine.

 

If I were you I wouldn;t let any more time go by before I followed my heart. I'd seek him out, find out more about him. If he isn't married, I'd attempt to contact him - better yet, I'd find out where he lived and attempt to run into him and see if the sparks still fly.

 

I still live that very long plane ride away. I never returned (to live, anyway). I absolutely know that if I ever see him again, their will be fireworks. I'm pretty certain though, that he would not want anything to do with me. I shattered his heart and broke the rock solid trust we had.

 

So, I have resigned myself to this life, for now. Again, I'm just having a bit of a struggle coping with my past. Thank you so much for this suggestion. I truly would love nothing more than the freedom to do as I please each moment of my life. But I'm okay with the fact that I can't.

[booboolove]

do you know anything about this guy? is he married? did he move on and create a life for himself after you?

i think if 15 years have passed and you still think about him that you should find him, talk to him. maybe all you need to know is that he is okay, to say sorry. or maybe its your soulmate and you cant be truly happy without him. whatever you end up doing is unfair to your husband. whether you contact your ex and talk to him or whether you sit around all day and think about him, they are both bad situations for your husband.

but hey, do what your heart says. if i were the other guy i would probably still have part of my heart saved for you...i would still wonder how you were, what you are up to. give it a shot. you only live once, might as well do it with no regrets.

 

Brooks, thank you so much for the kind words. You have such a wonderful attitude about love. I envy the woman in your life.

 

You're right. I do need to say sorry, but I've come to the conclusion that maybe that's just my problem.

 

It would sooth my soul to know that he still had loving thoughts about me. I try not delude myself with such hopes, but, you know how it goes. I delude!

 

I have absolutely no idea where he is, how he's doing, if he's married or not. Absolutely no contact for the last 14 years (I saw him again a year after I left). I hope, in the deepest place in my heart that he is happy.

 

As for my husband, what can I say. He's one of those people who doesn't want to know, and he likes it that way. He's told me this several times. He lives in his own reality bubble, and not because of me.

 

I learned early in life to not live with regrets, but this past relationship seems to live by it's own rules in my head. Yup! I regret what I did.

 

Again, thank you for the kind words. You leave hope for me that all men are not created equal.