Husband unwilling to stop flirting ideally would love a open marriage.

[HarakIgia]

Hi Everyone,

I've been married for 14yrs. The last 9yrs of my marriage have had there moments. We were high school sweethearts that married after college. We both didn't really get the chance to date others and have different sexual partners. My husband had only one other experience as far as I know. Nine years ago his mom passed away and that's the time we had our son as well. After that happened my husband started talking about marriage differently. Saying things like people shouldn't marry and that he would have done it differently. I can't begin to say how this hurt me. I started to feel very insecure in our relationship. He became very critical of me, my cooking the state of the house. Our relationship basically turned for the worse. But, I was always very accomodating and kept trying to meet his needs and keep the peace. I finally have gotten a grip on that and now know that I'm good the way I am. No more jumping through hoops to please anyone. I know that I have a lot to offer and am a loving and kind person.

 

The flirting has continued to occur. I have told him over and over how much it hurts to watch him interact with our friends or strangers like that. He continues to tell me it's harmless fun. I have watched him grope our friends and watched him lustfully look at others. He admits to it all when asked. I'm sick of it. I can't stand this anymore and have told him so.

 

Also, during our discussions it has come out that in his ideal world we would be in an open marriage. He says that he loves me but that he doesn't feel like he needs to possess me. That sex can be just sex and that he has plenty of love. I have such a hard time with that. Granted I know that there are people out there in those types of relationships. It is not something that I am interested in.

 

I have told him that it makes me incredibly sad to be here. But, that I feel we need to consider separation. I feel as though he's this lil boy that feels like life is passing him by. Both of his parents passed away at a young age and now that he's 37 I feel like he's also feeling like he's missing out. I don't really know this for sure. But, I know that he's not been a very supportive or loving husband these last 9yrs.

 

Things like no Mother's Day card because according to him I'm not the Greatest Mom in the World. I may not be to him but I know my children would disagree. He's always changing the rules on me as far as making him happy. I don't cook enough. If I cook it's not from my heart. It got to the point where I was feeling why am I in this marriage....he's not respecting me when we go out, he's criticizing me as a person, and a mother. I've dedicated myself to raising our children. I've been a stay at home mom for years. I know that I'm a good mom. But, it would also mean alot to feel appreciated by him as well.

 

I guess I'm just wondering is it just a case of he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too? He says he loves me and he doesn't want a divorce. He says he would have never left me. But, I can't continue to feel so unhappy and unloved. What kind of example am I setting for our kids. He's talked about living together as roomates. We're kinda of there due to financial restraints. We're waiting for our house to sell. I've basically said to him the next house we purchase will be mine. That I want him to take this time and go figure himself out. See if playing and being in that seen is what he truly wants. He says he doesn't want that. I've actually suggested he moves out now for a number of weeks to experience that lifestyle. I feel like he's romanticed the whole thing in his head. It's been a fantasy all this time. I don't know for sure that he won't come back and say I'm happy living like this. Or perhaps he'll come back and say I don't want to live like that. And really want to work on us through counceling. I don't know. But, I figure I can't continue this status quo of living with a flirt that really would like to take if further but doesn't cause of my rules. He doesn't want to feel policed. I'm so sick of policing him.

 

He wants to stay married but doesn't want to feel restricted to not be himself. Meaning being able to flirt and carry on like always minus sex. But, free to do everything else. I'm not on board. I have searched the boards & have read all sorts of topics to get some insight. I'm just so tired and feel so unappreciated as his wife and his friend of 22yrs. Any input or advice would be appreciated. I've been seeing a therapist to deal with all this. At the end of the day I know I'll be ok. I just wish I could save my kids from the pain.

 

Thanks for reading.

[shewasthesun]

I am very sorry to hear what is going on. I was recently married and this kind of scares me to think that some men can do this.

 

Have you considered he is going through a mid-life crisis? That would probably explain a lot of it. The fact that neither of you had litter to no experience with anyone else. It is probably hitting him now that things have been the same for years and will probably remain the same. It scares him.

 

That being said, he is not responding to the crisis well if he is verbally abusing you. and that is what it is. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years before I met my husband and know all the signs. Is there any way he will seek councelling? This is something he needs to work out as well with a therapist.

 

He probably does not want a divorce or a separation because despite his feelings of being caged, he is emotionally or mentally comfortable with the wife and kids scene. He's been there so long, it's familiar. But what you need to focus on is your kids. If he cannot "behave" in front of them, maybe you should consider a short separation. But you leave. Or at least initiate it. They should not have to see their father treat their mother that way, it could damage them mentally.

 

I hope you find peace. If you need to talk, I'm here.

[HarakIgia]

Thanks for your post Shewasthesun. I really appreciate it. You are right it is emotional abuse. He's actually pretty good around the kids. But, really it's the air of discontent and unhappiness that I'm sure they are sensing. They (kiddos and hubby) are all crashed out in our bed. I just can't seem to sleep. I do think this is some type of midlife crisis as well. I think he was hoping I'd want to play. But, really I'm not interested. He's come only 2x to my sessions with me. I'm thinking that I may try to get him to come back with me. But, I almost feel like he needs to get out into the real world to see what it's really like. He knows he has a great life with me and the kids. That's why he would have never opted out. But, there's only so much a person can take before they say "wait a minute...I'm not happy and I don't like that". I'm there and have been for some time. I would love to save my marriage and create something different then what we've had. But, it would require work and change. Uncertain that he's even there. My therapist is supportive of my offer to have my husband leave our home and figure things out. Meaning go play and then make your decision. I figure I have nothing to lose at this point. We're already there.

[shewasthesun]

Yes, maybe if he were out in the world, he would realize how good he has it. If he wont go to any more sessions, I see no other solution. I am glad that he "minds his manners" in front of the children. I hope they don't see what is going on. You are very strong to stick around. I know many who wouldn't give it a second thought and terminate the marriage. I think this is a bad decision until proven that there is no change.

[HarakIgia]

Thanks again:) I appreciate your reply. I just want to make sure I've turned over every stone before shutting the book on us.

[shewasthesun]

I appreciate yours too!

 

I understand. I'd do anything to save my marriage if we had problems.

[Darth Vader]

To the poster, He may be looking at cheating, or has cheated, I hope I'm wrong there. He may want to have an open marriage to have sex with other people, to me it's still cheating. Anyway, don't cheat on him or go with the open marriage thing. By the way, that's really a crazy thing for him to suggest an open marriage, I mean, hey, You're a woman right? You'd be riding so many more men partners, he couldn't get half as many women to do that with him.

 

Next time he brings up the notion of an open marriage, tell him NO, that you don't want that. But also tell him, that if you did take him up on that offer, that you'd have far more sexual partners and orgasmic sex than he would ever have, because of the fact that you're a woman! He may not realize that you could have a different guy every day of the week!! Now don't disrepect him when saying this, however, I'm sure you can calmly, in your own way point this out to him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your marriage can either be fixed or dissolved. There is no excuse to stay married to him under these conditions. The emotional abuse you suffer affects your children more than you know, and will affect them for the rest of their lives. When they grow up and get married, do you want them using your marriage as the model for how they will treat their own spouses?

 

Break the cycle now, before it perpetuates in the lives of your own children.

 

He does not want an open marriage. He just wants to be able to philander without you giving him a hassle about it. Open marriage is not about going through what you are going through. I doubt anyone who is in an actual functioning open marriage would see your situation as optimal or healthy. Yours is a closed marriage with an infidelity clause. Not good.

 

I would offer him a choice, marriage counseling to salvage what you can and no more of this 'open marriage' nonsense or a divorce.

[HarakIgia]

To my two last posters thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I obviously stayed up last night posting and this morning decided that I couldn't continue with the status quo of our marriage as it is. I've asked him to leave he was furious. He didn't even stay to talk to the kids with me. I'm OK, I know that I'll be fine and that I can create a loving and secure home for my kiddos. I really know that this is his deal and whatever he is going through he needs to figure out. Perhaps he's out there finally free to play and have his way without feeling policed or trapped. I'm sad for us both and especially for our beautiful kiddos but I'm here and they know that I love them and that their dad does too. I'm not going to keep them from him he's there dad and he loves him. He's lost at the moment. I hope he finds his way. But, I also know that he may decide that really being free and single is what he prefers. Either way I'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself and doing what is right for us all. I know he doesn't agree. I know he felt that you stay together for the kids no matter what. Especially cause he was pretty much doing what he wanted anyways I was the one having to deal with the inappropriate behaviour. The gropping of our friends and the lude comments to boot. But, I was the one being possessive, selfish and territorial. Well, thank you again for all your comments. Darthvader you made me laugh:) I needed that.

[Alexandra]

That read like a very well balanced, wise and strong post, if only all women had your perspective and were as able to be dignified and stand up for themselves. It's truly outstanding, good for you. I do believe you did the right thing for yourself and your children. When and if he is over this phase you may face having to decide if you are able to forgive, if not forget, and move on. Till then keep on focusing on you and your kids, I'm sure this was hurtful but one day soon you'll be in a far better place.

[HarakIgia]

Alexandria,

Thank you so much for that. It's probably one of the most difficult decisions I've made to date. So far I'm doing OK. I just worry about my kids. My son called him to ask to see him tomorrow night and he said he'd see him on Wed. That was disappointing. I don't want him to take this out on our kids. I hope he realizes that they love and need their dad in their lives. That they need his reasurance that everything will be OK even if mom and dad aren't under the same roof. I hope he steps up and really is proactive with the kids. So, far that hasn't happened. I've also told him that I'd be OK for him to join us for Thanksgiving dinner. He said, he'd let me know. He's extremely pissed off that I know and can hear. Thanks again for your kind words:)

[Darth Vader]

Darthvader you made me laugh:) I needed that.

 

 

I aim to please! And I'm GOOD LOOKING! Only kidding! Not trying to hit on the women! But, seriously, sorry about your marriage.

 

 

By the way, what part made you laugh!?

[Darth Vader]

Alexandria,

Thank you so much for that. It's probably one of the most difficult decisions I've made to date. So far I'm doing OK. I just worry about my kids. My son called him to ask to see him tomorrow night and he said he'd see him on Wed. That was disappointing. I don't want him to take this out on our kids. I hope he realizes that they love and need their dad in their lives. That they need his reasurance that everything will be OK even if mom and dad aren't under the same roof. I hope he steps up and really is proactive with the kids. So, far that hasn't happened. I've also told him that I'd be OK for him to join us for Thanksgiving dinner. He said, he'd let me know. He's extremely pissed off that I know and can hear. Thanks again for your kind words:)

 

 

If your husband were to be serious about rebuilding your marriage, would you be? That includes Marriage Counseling, and the whole bit..........

[Trialbyfire]

To my two last posters thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I obviously stayed up last night posting and this morning decided that I couldn't continue with the status quo of our marriage as it is. I've asked him to leave he was furious. He didn't even stay to talk to the kids with me. I'm OK, I know that I'll be fine and that I can create a loving and secure home for my kiddos. I really know that this is his deal and whatever he is going through he needs to figure out. Perhaps he's out there finally free to play and have his way without feeling policed or trapped. I'm sad for us both and especially for our beautiful kiddos but I'm here and they know that I love them and that their dad does too. I'm not going to keep them from him he's there dad and he loves him. He's lost at the moment. I hope he finds his way. But, I also know that he may decide that really being free and single is what he prefers. Either way I'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself and doing what is right for us all. I know he doesn't agree. I know he felt that you stay together for the kids no matter what. Especially cause he was pretty much doing what he wanted anyways I was the one having to deal with the inappropriate behaviour. The gropping of our friends and the lude comments to boot. But, I was the one being possessive, selfish and territorial. Well, thank you again for all your comments. Darthvader you made me laugh:) I needed that.

*Standing ovation*

 

Well done. Hold your own. No one can force you to do something that's against your moral fibre. He's now being held accountable for his lack of moral fibre and selfishness. Whether he wakes up from his fog or not, is moot. Your first priority is your childrens' happiness, which you are addressing by removing them from a negative emotionally abusive environment and at the same time, you are standing up for your rights, as a person.

[HarakIgia]

To TrialByFire and Darth Vader,

Thank you both:) I so appreciate your comments. My kids seriously help make this process easier than I thought possible. Focusing on them and their happiness is all I can think about. I've invited him to Thanksgiving. I figure we need to be able to do Holidays together especially for the kiddos. I think it will be fine. It's about them and what they would want on that day. That's what I'm going to stay focused on. Not to mention there's no one to flirt with:)

 

DV - the part that made me laugh was the following you wrote:

 

But also tell him, that if you did take him up on that offer, that you'd have far more sexual partners and orgasmic sex than he would ever have, because of the fact that you're a woman! LOL, Right.

 

I also appreciated hearing a guy's point of view. It's nice to see that not all guys feel this way. But, I'm sure my husband would say that you were just saying what you were programed to say.

 

Regardless, it was awesome!!!

To also answer your question- Yes, if he were serious and wanted to try and rebuild our marriage I would definitely give it a try. And again, thank you I'm sorry for us too:(

[Darth Vader]

To TrialByFire and Darth Vader,

Thank you both:) I so appreciate your comments. My kids seriously help make this process easier than I thought possible. Focusing on them and their happiness is all I can think about. I've invited him to Thanksgiving. I figure we need to be able to do Holidays together especially for the kiddos. I think it will be fine. It's about them and what they would want on that day. That's what I'm going to stay focused on. Not to mention there's no one to flirt with:)

 

DV - the part that made me laugh was the following you wrote:

 

But also tell him, that if you did take him up on that offer, that you'd have far more sexual partners and orgasmic sex than he would ever have, because of the fact that you're a woman! LOL, Right.

 

I also appreciated hearing a guy's point of view. It's nice to see that not all guys feel this way. But, I'm sure my husband would say that you were just saying what you were programed to say.

 

Regardless, it was awesome!!!

To also answer your question- Yes, if he were serious and wanted to try and rebuild our marriage I would definitely give it a try. And again, thank you I'm sorry for us too:(

 

 

Yeah! I thought that's what it was/is that made you laugh! Well think about it, a woman can get Sex 24 - 7 - 365, and that's only looking halfway decent too, I'm not even talking about the really HOT ladies out there! Someone else says that Guys have the demand, and women have the supply! I know, crazy way to look at it, but hey is it true to a degree, is it not? Well sure, there's always an exception to the rule, I mean if the man is a type of man like Dean Martin, suave, sophisticated, good looking, Italian, then yeah, he can get Sex 24 - 7 - 365 too, but, how many men do you know like that? Not many! And they're all taken too! You're probably one of the HOT ones too, and your hubby just has a case of the stupids! DUH!!!! Don't get stupid like him! Vader Out!

[Trialbyfire]

You're probably one of the HOT ones too, and your hubby just has a case of the stupids! DUH!!!! Don't get stupid like him! Vader Out!

HarakIgia, read this carefully. It's so funny and true.

[Meaplus3]

Hi Everyone,

I've been married for 14yrs. The last 9yrs of my marriage have had there moments. We were high school sweethearts that married after college. We both didn't really get the chance to date others and have different sexual partners. My husband had only one other experience as far as I know. Nine years ago his mom passed away and that's the time we had our son as well. After that happened my husband started talking about marriage differently. Saying things like people shouldn't marry and that he would have done it differently. I can't begin to say how this hurt me. I started to feel very insecure in our relationship. He became very critical of me, my cooking the state of the house. Our relationship basically turned for the worse. But, I was always very accomodating and kept trying to meet his needs and keep the peace. I finally have gotten a grip on that and now know that I'm good the way I am. No more jumping through hoops to please anyone. I know that I have a lot to offer and am a loving and kind person.

 

The flirting has continued to occur. I have told him over and over how much it hurts to watch him interact with our friends or strangers like that. He continues to tell me it's harmless fun. I have watched him grope our friends and watched him lustfully look at others. He admits to it all when asked. I'm sick of it. I can't stand this anymore and have told him so.

 

Also, during our discussions it has come out that in his ideal world we would be in an open marriage. He says that he loves me but that he doesn't feel like he needs to possess me. That sex can be just sex and that he has plenty of love. I have such a hard time with that. Granted I know that there are people out there in those types of relationships. It is not something that I am interested in.

 

I have told him that it makes me incredibly sad to be here. But, that I feel we need to consider separation. I feel as though he's this lil boy that feels like life is passing him by. Both of his parents passed away at a young age and now that he's 37 I feel like he's also feeling like he's missing out. I don't really know this for sure. But, I know that he's not been a very supportive or loving husband these last 9yrs.

 

Things like no Mother's Day card because according to him I'm not the Greatest Mom in the World. I may not be to him but I know my children would disagree. He's always changing the rules on me as far as making him happy. I don't cook enough. If I cook it's not from my heart. It got to the point where I was feeling why am I in this marriage....he's not respecting me when we go out, he's criticizing me as a person, and a mother. I've dedicated myself to raising our children. I've been a stay at home mom for years. I know that I'm a good mom. But, it would also mean alot to feel appreciated by him as well.

 

I guess I'm just wondering is it just a case of he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too? He says he loves me and he doesn't want a divorce. He says he would have never left me. But, I can't continue to feel so unhappy and unloved. What kind of example am I setting for our kids. He's talked about living together as roomates. We're kinda of there due to financial restraints. We're waiting for our house to sell. I've basically said to him the next house we purchase will be mine. That I want him to take this time and go figure himself out. See if playing and being in that seen is what he truly wants. He says he doesn't want that. I've actually suggested he moves out now for a number of weeks to experience that lifestyle. I feel like he's romanticed the whole thing in his head. It's been a fantasy all this time. I don't know for sure that he won't come back and say I'm happy living like this. Or perhaps he'll come back and say I don't want to live like that. And really want to work on us through counceling. I don't know. But, I figure I can't continue this status quo of living with a flirt that really would like to take if further but doesn't cause of my rules. He doesn't want to feel policed. I'm so sick of policing him.

 

He wants to stay married but doesn't want to feel restricted to not be himself. Meaning being able to flirt and carry on like always minus sex. But, free to do everything else. I'm not on board. I have searched the boards & have read all sorts of topics to get some insight. I'm just so tired and feel so unappreciated as his wife and his friend of 22yrs. Any input or advice would be appreciated. I've been seeing a therapist to deal with all this. At the end of the day I know I'll be ok. I just wish I could save my kids from the pain.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

I am very sorry for your situation as I can see how your H's actions would be hurtful. You have every right to be upset by his flirting way's, it's such a sign of disrepect to you and you don't deserve that. Why do you think he has such a big need to act this way?

 

AP:)

[HarakIgia]

Hi Answerplease,

I'm not really sure other than perhaps he thinks he'll die young. Both parents died young. His father died when he was 46 and his mom died when she was 52. Combined with only sleeping with me and one other person. Or it could be the thought of being with one person for the rest of your life. I don't know exactly. But, really it all changed when his mom died. That's when the sweet and supportive hubby turned critical. Nothing else that I can think of really.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts though. I really appreciate it.