So Hurt

[moon19beams]

I'm so hurt. I feel like a total idiot and am not even sure how or when it happened but it did. My husband is not the man I fell in love with but I feel completely trapped. He doesn't respect me or our son at all, I don't think he loves either one of us either, but I can't leave because I am afraid for our lives and for my son's psychological health.

The man I fell in love with was sweet and kind. He was always making sure I was happy and was willing to change things to accomadate me. He told me how he wanted to have children and do family things, how he never wanted his kids to go to daycare and would always make sure they and his wife had whatever they need.

When we got engaged I was so happy and couldn't wait to move in with him. I was a full time college student and worked two jobs, but wasn't worried about the added responsiblity of a house because he was always so helpful with household chores and kept the house clean.

After I moved in things were really good for a while, but then they slowly started to change. It was just little things at first, his dishes weren't making it into the dishwasher, his clothes stayed in the bathroom instead of the hamper, no big deal. I just put his dishes away and moved the hamper into the bathroom. Then things got worse, the pots and pans he used didn't get washed and the clothes still missed the hamper, among other things. Then there was the dog. He wanted a dog, I didn't. I love dogs but he is a truck driver and works long hours, I was a student and worked two jobs so I was hardly ever home, not the ideal situation for a dog. Even after long discussions about it he bought a dog behind my back, a puppy. The puppy got sick. He refused to take her to the vet, so I did, like I said, I like dogs. She almost died and the vet bills were in the thousands, he refused to pay them so I did. He has also not bought the dog a single bag of dog food, or paid any other vet bills, since she came home, I've paid for it all, I am the only one who lets her in or out, feeds her, gives her water, or plays with her.

Then there was the house. He wanted to buy a house. I wanted to wait so we could save a down payment up, especially since I had lost one job and my remaining job was part time, a grand $100 a week. He suggested house hunting, just for fun and to get an idea of the market. A month later he was convincing me to buy a house even though I still didn't want to. We ended up buying it and he does nothing to take care of it inside or out. The furnace has broken twice and there was a major gas leak that had the gas shut off, I paid for all the repairs, which added up to almost a thousand dollars (I still only make $100 a week). There have been numerous other problems with the house, most of which have not been addressed because I don't have the money or the know-how to do it and he refuses.

Meanwhile the chores have slid further and he does less while complaining because I don't do more.

Then there was the baby. From the moment we got engaged he started begging me for a baby. I told him no because I wanted to finish school. I was studying to be a psychologist. He kept begging. Then we got married and I had to stop taking the pill because my body couldn't handle the side effects anymore. He refused to use any other type of protection and of course I ended up pregnant within a few months despite my best efforts to the contrary.

You would think now that I was pregnant he would treat me like a princess since he wanted it so bad but no. I was constantly told that I was using it as a crutch when I would mention anything less than pleasant (like my constant morning sickness for the first 14 weeks, or my swollen feet, etc). He also refused to pay any of the resulting medical bills, me again (including the birth and all of the babies bills since). I developed gestational diabeties and had to take insulin, no help. Meanwhile, all help with anything having to do with the house stopped and he just made constant huge messes, which he then complained and fought over because I didn't clean them (still working part time and having a rough pregnancy). He refused to buy anything for the baby, what I didn't get from my shower I had to buy myself. Then came the threats, randomly inserted into conversations "if you ever try to leave me I'll kill you and split with the kid". Different wordings and variations, but the same message, over and over. And he had constant health "problems", even having knee surgury and making me wait on him hand and foot because he couldn't walk for two months.

Then late in my third trimester I got up after working a long shift the day before while he sat at home (by now he worked 2-3 day a week instead of the 6 days a week when I met him) and flicked on the computer screen and what do I see but barely legal pussy (if it even was) staring back at me! I was in such shock I didn't even know what to do. He knew how I felt about porn, we'd had many conversations, it's fine for single people, but when you're in a committed relationship you shouldn't need outside stimulation. We'd even made our own videos and taken many pictures so he would have material, now here was this?! I was so upset I didn't know what to do and just went to the mall until 8 at night, then went home, I left it just how I found it so it was obvious I'd seen it; we talked and he promised not to do it again, said he understood.

Baby was born. He refuses to buy ANYTHING for the baby so I work part time and use all my money to get what he needs, my mother geting what I can't afford (I also still buy everything for the dog that I didn't want in the first place). The baby was colicy and did nothing but cry for the first 2 months, and he did nothing but bitch because the house wasn't spotless, dinner didn't always get cooked, and the baby cried too much. He constantly complains about those things and that I need to get a real job, this from the guy who said his kids would never go to daycare. I do my best but with a fussy baby that doesn't sleep, an active dog, and a slob husband it's hard to keep things clean and get things done. The house is more than livable, it just isn't spotless. The baby does better with crying now but he still complains about it all the time and doesn't do anything to help with his care or to interact with him.

Worse, we've had several wife killings in recent months and he's made comments about how that'll be me if I try to leave.

And lately I thought he was watching porn again while I was at work and hiding it and sure enough tonight when I got home there it was again and I don't know what to do. I feel like going in there and holding a pillow over his face. He'd probably never even wake up, he's such a heavy sleeper. I want a divorce, I don't love him any more, he's not the man I loved, but I'm afraid for my son and my safety and even if he doesn't physically hurt me, I know how he'd been during visitiation with my baby and I don't want to put my son through that. I am so lost and hurt, god help me. Does anyone have any words of encouragement? Thank you for your time and letting me get this out.