metalcrusade Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Basically, what I am hoping for here is a psychology lesson, or at least someone's point of view on what went wrong. (note: I am 23, she is 19) I'll get right into it. I was bored one day this past March and was looking on myspace for a date. (hehe, I know, sounds bad). I found these twins whom I thought were very pretty and were into a lot of cool stuff, so I just had this feeling that I should message them. So I did, and one of them wrote back (I think my ex), and then I messaged them on AIM (cuz they shared a screen name), and the first one I spoke to was my ex. We talked for like...3 hours and sort of hit it off...online anyways. She added me in her top friends like the same day, as did I. I also talked to her twin sister for a bit. I remember somewhere asking if it was ok to ask her on a date. Now that I think of it, that was kind of silly, but it didn't go against me. Since they told me where they worked, I took a bold move and just SHOWED up where she worked...and bam! There was my ex...so cute just standing there all shocked and surprised. We talked for a bit after her shift, and then I asked her out and she said yes, so long as her twin comes the first time. So I did, and brought one of my friends with me and we had like a double date. Of course everyone just sat there while I cracked jokes constantly and I thought the date went quite successful. Of course her twin and my friend didn't hook up, but for some reason, I felt drawn to keep talking to her. We had a lot in common--- we were both Christians, we both loved metal, both virgins waiting till marriage, and shared a lot of values. For some reason though, I could tell she was damaged goods. I say that with all due respect. She's been through a lot. She's been told and told herself she was ugly from the start. I thought she was beautiful and still think she is. Yeah, she's overweight, so what. That's something that can be fixed. You're either pretty or you're not in my opinion. We talked every so often online for a while, went on a couple more dates, and eventually I asked her to be my girlfriend after a couple months. This is where I made the mistake, because I assumed if I made her my girlfriend, things would change and she would open up. Well, she did...but not to me. Just about herself. Things were always about her. She seems so engulfed in herself that she didn't have time for me. She never seemed to go out of her way to get to know ME, who *I* am. And I deal selfishness to a much lesser extent myself, so I got jealous when she spent time with her guy friends. She seemed to give them more attention than me. It seemed like I had to coerce her to spend time with me. It took us 5 months before we started making out. We were both each other's first, so things progressed slowly. Which is fine, because there's no rush if it's meant to be. I do think we started saying, "I love you" WAAAY too soon because true love is not just feelings, it's an action that proves how you feel, e.g. spending time with someone whenever you had a free chance. There was a point where I couldn't take her ditching me for her friends, or whatever else she had going on, so I gave her an ultimatum. She accepted, saying she promised that she would be more loving and dedicated. She was crying and saying how bad a girlfriend she was. I gave her another chance. Things did get better for a while, but then I knew the inevitable would happen, where she didn't seem to make much of an effort to be a good girlfriend to me, when I would go out of my way for her. She would never call me, or "wait" for me. It just seems that if you are in a relationship, wouldn't you go out of your way for someone and wait for them with great anticipation? Instead, she seemed to spend time with me only when she didn't have other things going on. She gave work more priority than me. Now, before you go off on me, you need to understand what I mean by that...She would wake up bright and early for work, but on her day off, she would make me wait until 11-12 before being ready to see me. I never quite understood that. For some reason, that bothered me, but not so much as when we got in a tiff, she would just so, "I have to go." all cold-like and then not say anything for a couple of days. Eventually, she would get over it and we would be good again. But, it left an emotional scar on me that wouldn't go away even when times I had forgiven her when it was her own illogical/irrational behavior. She never had a problem saying that she loved me, calling me sweetie, and telling me that she misses me and is thinking about me. Now, before I lose you...I'm almost done...bear with me. It just seemed that this girl was always pre-occupied with something. She hid her emotions most of the time, yet always complained about work. She was also stubborn as HELL! I had a lot of patience for her. What bothered me more than almost anything was how she took me for granted, and didn't see signs when they were basically smacking her in the face. I mean, it seemed like I would say something so romantic or deeply profound to her and the most I would get out of her was an "awe." It seemed like she just didn't get it. She didn't truly desire the same deep romantic relationship I wanted. It was almost like she didn't hit puberty yet. She even said sex was gross and thought that it's only purpose was for having kids. That really hurt me more than she knew. For a girl that has a lot of guy friends, she knows jack about men. I think that aspect of failure was 100% on her. What was my fault in the relationship? Going too fast. Yep, even though we took things slow overall, I took her as my girlfriend way too soon. I didn't really know her. I thought I knew her more than I did, and she did tell me I was her kind of guy, but we really didn't know each other, or what we both wanted. I am just discovering that she IS deeper than what I had originally thought, but not in the way I had hoped. She seems like a dark person; very bitter and stubborn. She hardly ate because she always felt "sick", for whatever reason. I'm not sure what made her like that. I think deep down inside she is a beautiful person, but a part of this darkness she still holds on to. And because she is so stubborn, she pushes anyone who wants to truly get to know her...AND CHALLENGE her when she needs to be, she pushes them away. She justifies herself saying, "This is how I am." instead of acknowledging her faults and changing for the better. I never accused her out of judgment, only to better her because I love her. What made me break up with her? It's the most ironic bs you'll ever see. It's almost like poetic justice. Here is a girl who wanted nothing more than a guy to see her like God sees her...beautiful. And when God finally sends her someone, she pushes him away. Yes, he was not perfect, but he loved her so much and would do anything for her. All he asked for was for HER. I took a picture of her one day, and was amazed at how beautiful she looked to me. She said she hated it! I was like, whatever. So I went home and edited in paint, and it said, "You got what you prayed for. For someone to see you the way God sees you." then at the bottom I put, "You are beautiful, (insert gfs full name here)!" I posted it in her comments on her page. The next day? It's gone. I'm like, "WHAT?" I confronted her on it and she said, "I'm sorry, I don't like that picture, so I deleted it." I was hurt. Yes, she didn't like the picture. BUT THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT! No one else, not even her guy friends, had the balls to say she was pretty, or to pursue her. I did. And despite how she felt, she could have left it there out of gratefulness, or AT THE VERY LEAST told me why she wanted to delete it before doing so. Instead, I see a stubborn, bitter girl sitting there at her computer disgusted with the picture deleting it, without caring how her boyfriend would feel. I know she didn't do it to HURT me, now, but I know she cared only about herself. That was the ultimate sign that she cared more about how she felt than anything else. So she leaves, and says nothing for 2 days. I get extremely mad, get some advice from friends, and they say end it. So I send her a message on myspace because she would not answer her phone. I had no choice. The next day she writes back just giving more excuses as to why she doesn't deserve me, how she's a bad girlfriend, this and that and the other thing, and I'm better off with someone else. She repeated several times that she loves me. The next day, we talked on the phone for about an hour and a half. I was shocked by how she didn't fight to be my girlfriend one but...but...here's the kicker.. She repeated multiple times that she wants to be my friend. She says she would make a better friend than a girlfriend, and that I would be surprised. She says we went straight to dating to "loving," and skipped the becoming friends stage. Now, if it wasn't for that, I would have said goodbye and never talked to her again. BUT She makes a good point. I screwed up. I didn't realize that she is the kind of girl that needs to be your friend first before getting close, so that a real romantic relationship would work. So, the advice I need from you all is...does she deserve the chance? I mean, she has never lashed out at me once since I broke up with her. And after all the honesty I gave her (e.g. I would be looking for other girls if I was just your friend), she still keeps pushing the issue of being friends. Personally, I still love the girl. I still care about her a lot. She deals with a lot of stress and issues, and I want to be there for her. But I wanted her romantically too. I told her straight up, "I want to be your friend, but I am afraid that if you do get close to me as a friend, I may fall for you twice as hard and want to go out with you again." She says, "Well, you never know what can happen in the future, but we never got a chance to be friends first." So, I don't know. I'm not the kind of person to just completely write someone off. I miss her, but I know I wouldn't miss the second class treatment. Is it because I didn't get close in friendship? Or is it something else? I know it wasn't that she didn't dig me because I know she did. I'm confused. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!!! Jay
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