Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Could you splain that in English, for your viewing audience?
Author underpants Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 I actually feel just kind of sad at the moment. Also, I noticed a gray hair and a blemish. Geez. Talk about adding insult to injury. Someone called me to ask why I was someplace and informed me as to what the 'rumor' was. I was not at this place. I was home all day. Apparently I was the talk of the event, by several people. One that I was never at. I don't understand this. The other miscalculations were things my ex said to me that were not really true. However, I put my blender away a long time ago and just did not feel it worth the effort to delve into anything. I believe he left with the feeling that I would actually rather watch paint dry then to engage with him. It sucks to be home in your safe cave and have a grenade roll in.
carrotgirl Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Unders, Wow. He just popped in and you found you really would rather watch paint dry than be with him? That sounds really healthy! Oh, you know, we don't care about the sweat, the grey hair or the blemish. We are not the queen. Though the bath and glass of wine sounded very good. Were they? Carrot
Zapbasket Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Hey there big sis, I just found your thread. My Lord. Talk about a self-absorbed act! To just presume after all this time to show up at your house. Does he not have your phone number? Could he not mail you a letter, seeing as he obviously has your address? This is an example of what happens when someone fundamentally lacking sensitivity attempts to right his selfish actions--only more selfishness! It's kind of pathetic, really, to see that he has some semblance of conscience but then it's like a foreign object to him. Did he apologize? Or just say that karma had smacked him upside the a$$ and he was coming 'round for a dose of all the good things you once had to offer him? What was your response to him? I hope you are okay. Maybe you should invite a good friend over for a few hours to rid your rooms of his unpleasant aura. I like the idea of writing him telling him never to come by again. But the silent treatment might be better. Then if he ventures to try again, you can tell him to buzz off to his face.
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I think it's kind of brave of him to make the all-out effort of showing up in person, rather than hiding behind some electronic means. Most people, gender aside, would rather hide. Having said that, if you feel he's poison for you, no matter what kind of effort he puts out, it's meaningless if he hasn't made the core changes that could make another go viable.
Zapbasket Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 In another circumstance I, too, would think it's pretty brave to show up at your house rather than send a little squeak by e-mail or, God forbid, MySpace. I had a friend from whom I'd been estranged do that to me once (show up at my apartment), and while I was utterly taken by surprise I also was very touched, and that act on her part continues to mean a lot to me. But in your case, Unders, from what I gather he's really quite the egoist, no? And so I don't fully trust his motivations or expectations in showing up at your house.
Author underpants Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 I did not sleep very well. As much as I like to present a strong front, I am not without emotions. I actually cried 2 tears this morning. I guess while I am certainly far from square one. Seeing and dealing with someone who seemingly (at one time) delighted in causing pain can set the best of people back a little. Greencove, I think you hit on something. While there might be some semblence of a conscioius floating around in his brain, it is just as you said a 'foreign object', or even a toy to be played with. It funny how exquisitely he can find and pinpoint the hyprocrisy and flaws in others, yet cannot see it in himself. Apologize. Never, not ever. Acknowledgement, also never, not ever. I just think there are some people who cannot face their actions and be genuine to who they hurt. These are the people that try to pop back into your life after x amount of time like everything is okay, because time has made all the wrongs right. I guess that is an easy way out of having a true conscious. Coincidence would have it that a friend did stop by for a visit. Also, I did have that bath and glass of merlot. I did have problems sleeping and did awake to some sadness. After my 2 tears I made myself get on with my day. Productive projects and a healthy lunch so far.
carrotgirl Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 But in your case, Unders, from what I gather he's really quite the egoist, no? And so I don't fully trust his motivations or expectations in showing up at your house. Okay, good so I'm not the only one. I was just too weenie to note that egoists get off on thinking they have impact on your world and my first reaction, given your story, was to ask something negative like did you check that nothing was nicked? Or worse, left behind? Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Apologize. Never, not ever. Acknowledgement, also never, not ever. I just think there are some people who cannot face their actions and be genuine to who they hurt. These are the people that try to pop back into your life after x amount of time like everything is okay, because time has made all the wrongs right. I guess that is an easy way out of having a true conscious. What I see here, are some harbored resentments. Why didn't you take him to task for these issues, when he was there? Whether he acknowledges any of it is moot. This is about you and expressing what you need to express, instead of passively allowing him his fantasies.
Author underpants Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 What I see here, are some harbored resentments. Why didn't you take him to task for these issues, when he was there? Whether he acknowledges any of it is moot. This is about you and expressing what you need to express, instead of passively allowing him his fantasies. TBF, I did all that a long time ago. I put it all in the blender and served up one hell of a smoothie. He knows my thoughts on the matter. Without question, he knows. The visit might have given him a momentary elation and if chooses to magically make it something that it was not. That is really his problem.
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 TBF, I did all that a long time ago. I put it all in the blender and served up one hell of a smoothie. He knows my thoughts on the matter. Without question, he knows. The visit might have given him a momentary elation and if chooses to magically make it something that it was not. That is really his problem. Right now unders, it's become your problem that you need to address. There's a part of you that appears to still want him, since he has some power over you enough to disturb you through contact. If you've truly moved on, you will not allow him the luxury of having any impact on you. It's not too late to call him and get your issues laid on the table or get complete closure on this. Don't be so passive. I'm saying this because I have a ton of respect for you unders. If this guy is completely poison, flush him permanently. If he's got sufficient redeeming qualities, keep the lines of communication open.
marlena Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I can't help wondering what he would have said had you actually come right out and addressed the issues! From your posts, and you know him better than anyone in here, it seems that you are convinced that he would have just either used evasive tactics or simply refused to discuss anything. This is what I too find so offensive. They prance back into your life at a whim as if nothing at all happened..as if the time that elapsed just magically took care of everything. Not an apology, not an explanation, not even an aknowledgment of the havoc they have wreaked! Two tears were one too many, UP! He should have said something!
johan Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I think sometimes talking and venting issues can be counter-productive. There's no relationship to fix, so expressing any feelings at all might prolong the pain that just came back. So I would just let it go. No calls. When the sleeping dog actually lifts its head, it's better not to start throwing stuff at it. Maybe it will go back to sleep if you leave it alone. In the end, underpants, maybe it will be this little visit that helps you heal up the rest of the way.
marlena Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 There's no relationship to fix, so expressing any feelings at all might prolong the pain that just came back. Then, why for heaven's sake, did he show up on her doorstep?
johan Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Then, why for heaven's sake, did he show up on her doorstep? Who knows? Underpants' best course of action, in my opinion, is to 1) discourage him if he shows up again, and 2) don't fan the flames when something like this happens.
Trialbyfire Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Better to get some clarity on why he showed up on your doorstep. Passivity will not get you the answers you need or want.
marlena Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Who knows? Underpants' best course of action, in my opinion, is to 1) discourage him if he shows up again, and 2) don't fan the flames when something like this happens. QUOTE]Who knows? Underpants' best course of action, in my opinion, is to 1) discourage him if he shows up again, and 2) don't fan the flames when something like this happens. I totally agree this is what she should do if she is completely convinced that he is bad news. And I think she's did a great jog maintaining her composure and not letting it get too much under her skin. Still, no matter what, seeing an ex always stirs up old feelings! Feelings you have tried so hard to supress! That's why I hate it when they do this...especially when they do it for no apparent reason..not to say sorry, not to try to reconciliate..nothing ..nada...It's, weel, inconsiderate and selfish maybe?
Author underpants Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 Better to get some clarity on why he showed up on your doorstep. Passivity will not get you the answers you need or want. TBF, It has been my experience that clarity is an unreasonable goal when dealing with this particuliar person. How can someone so confused give clarity? I have towed the line between not being too passive nor too aggressive with him. I only responded to any communication or action with the unwavering truth. This is still where I stand. He is more then welcome to discuss it with me if he so chooses. I simply cannot offer any sort of relationship to him without getting past that. So, it is his choice. I have a ton of respect for you as well TBF. So, against my nature I did reiterate the offer. It is simply up to him to face the issue or ignore it again. Either way I am still strong and receptive, yet unyielding to bs, at the same time. My gut says he can't face it or deal with it. I would be surprized if he did. Still, no matter what, seeing an ex always stirs up old feelings! Feelings you have tried so hard to supress! That's why I hate it when they do this...especially when they do it for no apparent reason..not to say sorry, not to try to reconciliate..nothing ..nada...It's, weel, inconsiderate and selfish maybe? There are no supressed feelings. I expressed them all when it was appropriate to do so. I really have no regrets about how I composed myself during the entire course of my knowing him. I don't hate him. I am not resentful to him. If anything just a little disappointed. I mistook him for having better character then he did (does).
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Either way I am still strong and receptive, yet unyielding to bs, at the same time. Yes, yes, yes...you don't need to put up with his crap!! To leave yourself open doesn't mean you have to be weak. My gut says he can't face it or deal with it. I would be surprized if he did. This would be his failure, not yours and if he does fail, it's a way to hammer home exactly how wrong he is for you. I know your rational mind knows this. You just need to train your emotional mind to realize it and not be disappointed, if in the event he fails. As long as you were clear in your expectations, he can meet them or he can lose you. You are someone worth effort.
marlena Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 UP, Yes, what sense would it make to just go back to the same situation that obviously was bad enough that it led to a split? This is what bothers me. They come back without any intention of talking about their issues or the realtionship. If they aren't ready to face up to what's happened, why make contact at all? I just don't get it. It seems pointless and immature. And I agree with you UP, he should be the one to initiate the conversation. After all, he's the one who literally just walked in through the door again after all this time. Do you expect to hear from him again?
Author underpants Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 Do you expect to hear from him again? "Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly; "Tis the prettiest little parlor that you ever did spy. "The way into my parlor is up a winding stair, And I have many curious things to show when you are there." "Oh no, no" said the little fly, "to ask me is in vain, For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again."
marlena Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 "Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly; "Tis the prettiest little parlor that you ever did spy. "The way into my parlor is up a winding stair, And I have many curious things to show when you are there." "Oh no, no" said the little fly, "to ask me is in vain, For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again." "Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly; "Tis the prettiest little parlor that you ever did spy. "The way into my parlor is up a winding stair, And I have many curious things to show when you are there." "Oh no, no" said the little fly, "to ask me is in vain, For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again." Haha! That used to be one of my favourite's when I was a kid!!! Good on you, UP!!!! And thanks for the laugh!!!
Surfer Girl Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 How can he be a coward if he came to your door after a year.... Obvisously he still has feelings.... After a year... Most people will have moved on or will want to reconsider... Have you moved on?
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