deadmansfloat Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 my situation has briefly been posted here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133352/ and here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135635/ i've been on nc for about a month. i actually had to email my EX and tell her i'd prefer no more communication again recently, as she periodically tried to intiate small talk with me. i must SHAMEFULLY admit that her email's password is saved on my CPU. (i was actually able to guess it once i saw how many letters it was). recently i saw that she is moving across the country with her new BF to live together. I KNOW it's not my business but the news shocked me as they were only dating 3 months. it is still SHOCKING me!! over the last couple days i've been sooooooo tempted to call her and beg or try to show her how irrational her plans are. i havent!! and, god willing, i won't! but i know myself, and can feel that i am teetering on the edge of making this huge mistake! how do you switch off the urge? i go out with friends, but still think of her. i've went on dates but still think of her. when i'm teaching my course i'm still thinking about her. i was doing so good until i heard this news! how do i tell her i've been snooping?? i need to get her to change her password! ignorance is bliss folks!
Ocean-Blue Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 my situation has briefly been posted here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133352/ and here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135635/ i've been on nc for about a month. i actually had to email my EX and tell her i'd prefer no more communication again recently, as she periodically tried to intiate small talk with me. i must SHAMEFULLY admit that her email's password is saved on my CPU. (i was actually able to guess it once i saw how many letters it was). recently i saw that she is moving across the country with her new BF to live together. I KNOW it's not my business but the news shocked me as they were only dating 3 months. it is still SHOCKING me!! over the last couple days i've been sooooooo tempted to call her and beg or try to show her how irrational her plans are. i havent!! and, god willing, i won't! but i know myself, and can feel that i am teetering on the edge of making this huge mistake! how do you switch off the urge? i go out with friends, but still think of her. i've went on dates but still think of her. when i'm teaching my course i'm still thinking about her. i was doing so good until i heard this news! how do i tell her i've been snooping?? i need to get her to change her password! ignorance is bliss folks! Not a good idea, what you've been doing. It is like a sickness, you keep checking over and over again. Just tell her the password was saved on your comp and you think she should change it. You need to let go. She has moved on. Checking up on her is only doing YOU harm.
Author deadmansfloat Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 ocean-blue : yes, saying that the email thing is not a good idea is an understatement! it is killing me and defeats he purpose of NC. it's just that that's how i found out about so much in the first place. it will be extremely hard to tell her as it will become evident that ive been snooping for so long.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 ocean-blue : yes, saying that the email thing is not a good idea is an understatement! it is killing me and defeats he purpose of NC. it's just that that's how i found out about so much in the first place. it will be extremely hard to tell her as it will become evident that ive been snooping for so long. Don't let her know how much you know. It is no longer your place to provide her with insight, etc. She has moved on with someone else, you need to allow her to make her own decisions. I don't need to tell you how unhealthy and destructive your behaviour is. And it certainly defeats the purpose of NC. You were stalking her via email... Let. It. Go.
Author deadmansfloat Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 thank you - i truly appreciate your earnesty - and i of course agree. the problem revolves more around me being unsure of how to tell her. i know it doesnt matter in the end, but can i just be like "hey i've been stalking you for a month through youre email. i think you should change the password"? i know the answer is probably "no," but is there a subtler way? i shoulda told her immediately but it became addictive. as most self-destrcutve behavior can.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 thank you - i truly appreciate your earnesty - and i of course agree. the problem revolves more around me being unsure of how to tell her. i know it doesnt matter in the end, but can i just be like "hey i've been stalking you for a month through youre email. i think you should change the password"? i know the answer is probably "no," but is there a subtler way? i shoulda told her immediately but it became addictive. as most self-destrcutve behavior can. I don't doubt that it has become addictive. Just tell her that SOMEHOW you were able to access her email (to your disbelief). You quickly closed it upon discovering this... As I said before, mention that it must've been stored on your computer after she had used it some time ago.
serendip Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 ocean-blue : yes, saying that the email thing is not a good idea is an understatement! it is killing me and defeats he purpose of NC. it's just that that's how i found out about so much in the first place. it will be extremely hard to tell her as it will become evident that ive been snooping for so long. Oh man I did the...read the ex's email thing....biggest mistake of my life. I did it b/c I was suspicious of her cheating on me after I had already forgave her. I found out she went behind my back and saw the guy again. Also I found out she told the guy that she loved him....it was a punch in the gut. I never felt so much pain....and I continue after I broke up with her b/c I was still considering getting back with her...finding out she went skinny dipping with the guy when she was suppose to call me and discuss a possible reconciliation was my breaking point. I ended up telling my ex....and she flipped on me...it somehow made her actions justified. Dude save yourself the misery....just leave it alone...don't bother telling her....just never check it again
Author deadmansfloat Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 serendip - the way i feel now, it would be physically impossible to not check the account. my record for not checking lasted a little UNDER 24 hours! ive tried to be sneaky and send emails from anonymous 'security services' telling her to change the password. i don't know what else i can do without confronting her about it. but trust me, telling her i have her password is next to the last thing i want to do (after actually NOT having it). i shouldbe been honest and moral from the start and told her. now i'm wallowing in misery every time i see an email with her new BF's name in it - and the fact that i'm never mentioned! it's sooo ****ed up. i guess if we could change the past none of us would be here any other way to rid the password from my mind other than telling her? i messed up bad and hope people here can learn from this terrible mistake
Ocean-Blue Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 serendip - the way i feel now, it would be physically impossible to not check the account. my record for not checking lasted a little UNDER 24 hours! ive tried to be sneaky and send emails from anonymous 'security services' telling her to change the password. i don't know what else i can do without confronting her about it. but trust me, telling her i have her password is next to the last thing i want to do (after actually NOT having it). i shouldbe been honest and moral from the start and told her. now i'm wallowing in misery every time i see an email with her new BF's name in it - and the fact that i'm never mentioned! it's sooo ****ed up. i guess if we could change the past none of us would be here any other way to rid the password from my mind other than telling her? i messed up bad and hope people here can learn from this terrible mistake You are in control of your motor skills, correct? STOP looking at her email! What you are doing is stalkerish and counterproductive. Whatever NC you've been working on, you are destroying. Depending on the email service, maybe you could click on "forget password" - they usually have a process in place that emails another account with a new password. Figure something out and then put the plan into action. This isn't even about her. You don't see her sitting around pining away for you. You must start thinking of yourself. Don't you want to move forward without any attachments to her? She has no problem leaving you behind while pursuing something with this new guy. So why are you insisting on keeping yourself in this very unhealthy, static state? Realize that you are a man with dignity and don't let this get out of control. Good luck OP.
Surfer Girl Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 If you were to ever reveal you looked her up... She would be furious, and most likely feel like you invaded her space.... It will only make things more difficult... The best thing you can do is to have some kind of will power to not look her up anymore...
serendip Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 serendip - the way i feel now, it would be physically impossible to not check the account. my record for not checking lasted a little UNDER 24 hours! ive tried to be sneaky and send emails from anonymous 'security services' telling her to change the password. i don't know what else i can do without confronting her about it. but trust me, telling her i have her password is next to the last thing i want to do (after actually NOT having it). i shouldbe been honest and moral from the start and told her. now i'm wallowing in misery every time i see an email with her new BF's name in it - and the fact that i'm never mentioned! it's sooo ****ed up. i guess if we could change the past none of us would be here any other way to rid the password from my mind other than telling her? i messed up bad and hope people here can learn from this terrible mistake Here I will save you some heartache and pain....b/c I told my ex I read her email....she felt no remorse for cheating and felt justified....in a sense b/c I read her emails....I took away her guilt for cheating. She does not realize I would never have looked at her emails if she wasn't cheating on me. Here's her angry email to me after I told her...I also went beyond reading her emails...I screwed with her head. his is a email she sent me back in july. What you did was not only immature..it was very deceitful, manipulative, invasion of my privacy i cannot believe you would do something like that. I am in such shock. What I did was wrong, yes, but i was honest with you after the fact and had NO intention of getting together with the guy even though I saw him once after he got here. What you did was terrible. Why did you want to come see me anyways in June and how could you live with yourself doing something like that. STOP trying to make me feel guilty cause I have a clear conscience...Yes I did something wrong behind your back but i was TRULY sorry and I apologized for it. You had NO RIGHT to read my emails, Anyways, hope you are happy with what you did and can live with yourself. I can't believe it!! Then 2 minute later she sent me this email At the same time...I realize that you were really hurt. and I am TRULY SORRY that I hurt you so much at Christmas. It was a terrible thing that I did too. I am very sorry. I realize now how much I hurt you now. I felt I had a right to find out if she was cheating on me again...and unfortunately...she was. That's when I should have walk away...but I didn't. Dude...don't put yourself through this heartache....just walk away
Author deadmansfloat Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 serendip - thanks for sharing that letter - it was very thoughtful of you ti dug it up. yeah, i figured i shouldnt tell her directly. i still am trying to find ways to do it indirectly. i cant change the password myself because i'd need more info to do that. it's a lose-lose situation. i shouldnt have been dishonest; but we cant resist ourselves when it comes to these matters. everything ocean blue has said is spot on - unfortunately it's not so easy to act rationally. if so, nearly anyone would be on this board. i'm just gonna stick it out like serendip suggested. and try different ways to get her to change it. d*** i screwed myself
Recommended Posts