FrustratedAHole Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Sorry for the long story, but its complicated, please help have been having an affair for 5 years during my 5 year marriage, the marriage was only about 4 months old when it started. You see, whilst me and my wife were dating on and off in University I had an obsession with a woman at work whilst I was doing work placement, she was married and was returning to work after her maternity leave, I dreamt of her and soon became her best friend and we were both getting on great, I told her how I felt and asked her several times to leave her husband but she never reciprocate her feelings, she always said she cared, but didn’t want to be with me, I even remember crying one night as I loved her so much but it was going nowhere. Then I told her I was getting back together with Nav, and we went out for some drinks, clubbing after I had just moved out from my mums and had bought a house, we had a fabulous night talking and the taxi ride home we felt a real bond. But we never kissed, I even asked her back to my place to watch the grand prix but she refused, obviously he husband would get concerned about her being out till the wee hours in the morning. Anyway, I hatched a plan with my fiancé to collect her from London while she packed her bags, you see, her dad wasn’t keen on the marriage and made her choose between me and the family, she inevitably chose me and left, she moved into the house that we had bought a few months ago together and after explaining things to my mum (dad had died a few years ago) my mum got to know her. A month or so went passed with her parents sending her stuff to our house through friends, and the time came when we were getting married, we sent an invite to her parents and they sent it back, she was in despair, but nonetheless we proceeded to get registered and it was mostly friends that attended, that day we received a text and found out that her grandmother had died, the funeral was on the day of the reception. The next day I drove her to London to pay her respects and we met her uncles and aunties who she discussed things at great length with, we then drove back home. The following day we got to the funeral after driving a few hours, and we met her dad, mum and 2 sisters, had a conversation, the ice was broken, everything was looking good, we then drove back home and did our reception, which her family still did not attend. As a said a few months later we attending a work colleague of mines birthday party, my wife went home. The OW kissed me and it started. Since then to this day, I have been seeing both my wife and the OT. 2 years ago, guilt was killing me so I told my wife about the affair and we got valuations for the house, I decided I was leaving, then she said that was fine as long as I sought counseling and if I still felt that way we would progress, after the counseling I decided I still wanted to be with my wife, and let the OW go. A few days later, I resumed my affair after telling her it was a mistake, my wife found out by reading my text messages, I agreed we would separate until I knew where I wanted to be. I then spent a year at my mums, continuing to see the OW, she started divorce proceedings, I moved back home due to my brothers wedding continued to share a bed with her (not making love) even though we have a spare bedroom. I have now taken a week out to decide on what needs to be done. Mum and bro want me to be with my wife, but no real pressure, OW wants me to leave and be with her. I am so tired of juggling the two relationships, I just want it resolved, one way or the other. Bro says its easier to let go of OW than it is to divorce. I just don’t want to do this again IF I stay with my wife. To further complicate thing is am a bisexual transvestite, my wife is comfortable with me being with blokes and encourages me as she finds it a turn on, OW not so keen on the other blokes, but cool with dressing. OW is also 10 years older than me and has 2 kids which I am cool with. I am not expecting sympathy, more a beating, but a constructive beating on how I can get myself out of this situation and which way I should go would be hugely appreciated
EnigmasMuse Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Wow what a surprise ending! I really do not know what to tell you. Maybe you should divorce the wife and drop the OW as well. Maybe be alone for awhile, and do some thinking on what it is you truly want out of a relationship.
My_Other_I Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 No beating. It's plain and simple...if you really want to resolve this than you have to make a choice and stick to it. You're gonna have doubts and urges to see the person you didn't choose but the only way out is to stick with your decision. Unless your W and OW are OK with you seeing both of them than I don't see other option.
Lizzie60 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 at one point I wasn't sure if you were talking about your wife or the OW... What a mess! I say, leave them both for now until you figure with who you want to be with... Do not mind the time it takes to find this out.. but you need to stay by yourself without seeing one or the other... if you can't make up your mind.. then you need to stay alone... you cannot keep your double life... it's not fair for them ... now that they both know... and if you choose one (either your W or the OW) stick to this choice and do not see the other one ever again... set her free... so she can move on with her life.
Author FrustratedAHole Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 The problem is the OW is a work colleague and if i let her go, i would have to leave work, as i think it would start again. The OW is also fairly strong so if i let her go, she wouldnt let me come back again, thats for sure, so time out would make her split with me as she would say i have had enough time, which i have. My wife wants me to sort it out now as well. I think i have ran out of time, dont you think? Sorry only found this website today, otherwise i think the understanding would have helped me sooner. Thanks so far
Lizzie60 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 The problem is the OW is a work colleague and if i let her go, i would have to leave work, as i think it would start again. The OW is also fairly strong so if i let her go, she wouldnt let me come back again, thats for sure, so time out would make her split with me as she would say i have had enough time, which i have. My wife wants me to sort it out now as well. I think i have ran out of time, dont you think? Sorry only found this website today, otherwise i think the understanding would have helped me sooner. Thanks so far If she is that strong... and you're saying she wouldn't take you back..then there is no worry about work... right? If that's what it takes to get your life back.. then quit your job.. (I did that once... a looong time ago with my first ex ...but in my case, I never cheated)... unless you choose your OW and your work...
Author FrustratedAHole Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 i dont want to see her the OW at work full stop if i ended it with her, as i would be seeing her wanting to be with her. if i chose my marriage, staying with my wife makes her happy and my family, and i could live with it quite easily Being with the OW would make her happy, but would eat me up inside as i care about my wife alot (sounds silly as i cheated on her, but its true) See you confused me now, keep it coming, its making me think, thanks
Lizzie60 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 i dont want to see her the OW at work full stop if i ended it with her, as i would be seeing her wanting to be with her. if i chose my marriage, staying with my wife makes her happy and my family, and i could live with it quite easily Being with the OW would make her happy, but would eat me up inside as i care about my wife alot (sounds silly as i cheated on her, but its true) See you confused me now, keep it coming, its making me think, thanks You should change your name for 'ConfusedAHole' LOL You're talking about making the OW happy,... then making your W and family happy but you need to choose what YOU want for yourself, what will make YOU happy and not want to stray. I am not sure what to say anymore, except to take time by yourself, no contact with any of the women... then see which one you really miss... and once you find out, then you need to take the proper measures to end it with the other one... whether it's a new job (if you choose your W) or a divorce (if you choose your OW)... there is no other way about your situation. Then you need to address the situation about the other guys, to your OW.. maybe that will help you decide... she might be totally reluctant about this.
Lyssa Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 You should change your name for 'ConfusedAHole' LOL I'm sorry but that was funny. I snorted on my Coca-Cola reading that! You're talking about making the OW happy,... then making your W and family happy but you need to choose what YOU want for yourself, what will make YOU happy and not want to stray. I am not sure what to say anymore, except to take time by yourself, no contact with any of the women... then see which one you really miss... and once you find out, then you need to take the proper measures to end it with the other one... whether it's a new job (if you choose your W) or a divorce (if you choose your OW)... there is no other way about your situation. Then you need to address the situation about the other guys, to your OW.. maybe that will help you decide... she might be totally reluctant about this.Well, OP - I'm pretty much with Lizzie and the rest of the posters. Take some alone time and figure out what is it that you want. You can still have both men and women but maybe not with these two women.
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