it hurts

[jdizzle]

i met my girlfriend two years ago when i was a senior in high school. we dated for a year and a half and everything was great. we did go through a lot of problems though. more than any other couple i know, but these problems were not from us or decisions we were making. it was from her parents being really close minded and hating my religion. they didnt want her dating me because of it and eventually it got to the point that they emotionally abused her often because of it (for example, her mom would say that she is litterally dying because her daughter is dating me... things like that made my gf feel so guilty). they even physically abused her on one occasion. after a few months she had to move about 100 miles away so we couldnt see eachother often. but it only made our relationship stronger. we took trains, buses, and cars to see eachother. we wouldve done anything for eachother. and we talked all the time. but we had to keep our relationship a secret from her family, which i know was really hard on her and made her feel guilty. but we were so madly in love and we made promises to each other. she told me that she would never leave me, and that if our relationship didn't work out it would be because i left her. she told me we would always be together and that she would love me till the day she died. she is a very impulsive person and when shes upset she doesnt think clearly. in the past year and a half she has gotten really upset about four times and tried to break up with me. but i always just held on tight to her until she realized that she was just mad and that she still loved me. well everything was still all great a week and a half ago, she told me on that day that she loves me more and more every day. then she spent two days with her sister and her sister took her to a different church where she met some new guys. then the next day her sister took her to a bbq where those same guys where. and when shes with her sister she doesnt contact me at all because she doesnt want her sister to find out shes contacting me. finally when her sister left i was able to talk to her i was kind of upset that she didnt try to contact me at all and then she told me how she was sick of me asking so many questions and she didnt know if she loves me anymore. she said she wanted to take a break. i was shocked. i mean... two days before this she was telling me that she loves me more and more everyday. and a few weeks before this we were seriously making plans on moving in with eachother. well despite my pleas she broke up with me. a day or two later she tells me that she doesnt know if she loves me and that she wants to date other guys. and i'm thinking.. how can you want to date other guys after just breaking up with the guy you loved so much for a year and a half? so she told me to give her space and to not call her and stuff, but it was so hard. i honestly tried hard to not call her, but i would get so depressed at times that i couldnt think straight and i would call or text her. i think this really started to annoy her. well she told me a few days ago that we were over. she told me to move on with my life and forget about her. i was devasted. my whole world was crashing in on me. i couldnt just give up like that though. i felt like i had to do something, because i loved her so much and would do anything for her. i couldnt understand how her love for me could literally disappear in two days. so i went up to see her two days ago and i told her how i would fix all the problems we had in our relationship. i told her that she was my whole world and that i would do anything for her, even if it meant giving up my religion (which isnt a big deal, because i dont really believe in it anyway). i would move up there so we could see eachother every day. but she just told me that she would think about it, and that she didnt know if she loved me or not. then she wanted to leave and i asked her to just spend the day with me, and then we started argueing. she told me that she doesnt feel the same for me anymore and that she doesnt believe in love anymore. and finally she tells me that shes been seeing someone else for the past few days.. one of the guys she met with her sister. she told me that he makes her happy and that she cares for him. and most importantly that her mom really likes this guy. i was totally devasted. just a few days before this she was telling me that i made her so happy and that she loves me so much. i couldnt understand how this all could completely change in a few days.. especially since nothing happened to tear us apart.. there was no big fight or anything. once again she told me to leave her alone and just let her go. she told me to just move on with my life. but i cant do this. i love her so much. so i kept talking to her and begging for her to try to remember a few days back and how she loved me so much. and i told her how this guy is so new and that she cant throw away our relationship for him. but she told me that she didnt leave me for him.. she claims that breaking up with me and dating him are two seperate things.. but it just seems like too much of a coincidence to not be related... i dont think shes lying, but just confused. she told me that she realized that she could have a normal relationship, one that wasnt so hard as the one we had. she told me that shes just too exhausted from our relationship. i told her that shes making a huge mistake by letting me go. and she told me that she knows shes making a mistake. i begged her to just take some time to think about this.. i told her we could continue our break and then she could make up her mind. so we decided to talk again after a month. she said she would try to date a lot of guys over this month period. but im afraid that shes not going to do that and that she'll just keep dating this one guy... and if she does that then her crush on him will only get stronger.. cause in my mind thats all it is.. a crush.. she cant possibly be in love with him after a few days of knowing him. well its only been a few days and im in a really bad place mentally. i cant handle this. i wouldnt kill myself, but i really wish i would just die because the pain i feel is indescribable. i cant do anything without thinking of her. even though i try so hard to not think of her. and i cry all the time. sometimes i cry to her and once i told her i was so sad but she said she doesnt care cause she doesnt love me anymore... but i think she was just mad when she said that, because she says dumb things like that when shes mad. i want her back more than anything i have ever wanted. i believe if she would just give up the new crush and come back to me that it would all go back to how it was. i told her this but she thinks its too late.. i dont know exactly what that means. i know that a new crush is so much more exciting than a year and a half old relationship, but the deep, passionate love we had for eachother is more fullfilling in the long run than a new crush. i think the more i try to call her the more she gets annoyed and pushes me away. maybe if i dont contact her for a few weeks she will begin to miss me. but on the other hand, if i try to call her all the time for those few weeks, then she'll just be annoyed more and more and wont miss me. does that sound right? i know a lot of people on here are going to say "just let her go, there are plenty of fish in the sea." but i just cant do that. i cant. i love her too much. she is everything to me. i just dont understand how she could do this. im so hurt. she said she would never leave me for any reason. but here she is doing that. and the worst part is i know shes spending a lot of time with that new guy. i mean she had already gone on four dates with him in basically five days of knowing him. and when i called her yesterday i think she was with him because i heard his voice. it really hurts that shes so happy with this guy and that she seems to have completely forgotten about me. and im afraid that during our month break, she will get really close to this guy and by then it will be too late for me to get her back. i feel like i need to be up there with her to spend time with her so she can remember how it was to be with me. i feel like she is just forgetting about what we had because im not there right now. anyway, wow this is long, but it feels better to write all my feelings down. any tips or advice would be appreciated. thanks

[Lyssa]

Jdizzle... first of all, you might wanna try writing in paragraphs! It was so hard for me to read and I'm sure most of other members agree as well.

 

My xBF of 2 and half years broke up with me 3-/+ years ago after all the things that he said about loving me and only me, wanting to be a family etc. People say things like that when they are new in a relationship or when they think they are with 'the one'. The thing is, it takes a lot of 'the ones' to make you realise that there is a better one out there - all the time until you are actually happy with one which suits you and has all the qualities that YOU are looking for in a partner.

 

You're both still young and I think your GF has realised that there is plenty of other fishes in the sea. I started dating when I was 17. Even then I knew I shouldn't be tied down to just one guy, I should explore my options before getting into something serious.

 

There isn't much that you can do if she chose to go out with someone else. I'm not sure if you're on a break or still together... either way, the best thing is to get this out in the open between the two of you.

[MattyTee]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree with Lyssa, paragraphs!

 

I come from a different perspective than Lyssa and the dating thing. I personally don't feel that you have to date a lot to find out what you want, I just think that's often the way it happens. However whichever viewpoint you have the fact is that you can't do anything about how someone else feels or acts.

 

The only thing that you can do is to take a few steps back, give her some space and use that time productively on yourself. You can't persuade her she should be with you, it just won't work. If she does decide that you are the 'one' the decision is only ever going to come from her, not because you believe it to be true.

 

I think most people on here will agree that if you chase her, constantly call her and try and rationalise why she should be with you, then you will be pushing her away. If you have decided that after a month you will come together and talk about it then give her that month. It won't be easy for you, you'll be hurting a great deal and you'll want to call her so that she doesn't 'forget' you (a lot of us have been there, done that and got the t-shirt, usually tear-stained). My only advice to you is to take a deep breath, take some steps back and give her the time you promised. If that is too painful and you can't, then your other choice is to tell her that and walk away now and focus on yourself.

 

Take this time to focus on yourself, keep yourself busy - get out and do some exercise, hang out with friends, read, write, watch films! Busy yourself up so you don't have time to pine for her. Perhaps also take some time to sit back and take stock of the relationship - is it really everything you want, is she the person you want to be with.

 

I'm sorry man, I know this is hard to hear and you won't like it. I've been there, it hurts but it is all you can do. The only thing we have control over in life are our own actions

 

Good luck to you

[SunnyLady]

J-dizzle, i'm sorry you feel this way. You are obviously deeply hurting.

Like Matty said, the only thing we have control over in life are our own actions. You are both very young. Before i got through half of your post...i had already predicted what happened. And i was accurate. You both got into a deep rhsip early, she met another guy she finds attractive and fun and she is seeing him now. It hurts a whole lot i know, but you need to just let time take its toll. She is distracted now...she may have thought you were her world and that she wouldnt ever find another guy appealing, but you know she may have gone out and seen this guy and woah! She gets excited and flings you away. To be honest that's what you expect from a young girl. I did the exact same thing when i was 17. I remember so well, left the one i was with for someone else. I really did hurt him (probably the only guy i did that to) but i was young and naive. And it didnt take me too long to realise that i made a hasty and silly mistake.

 

At some point, her relationship with this guy will end as well. Or when this new affair becomes stale...and things go sour. I promise you one thing, she will remember your love for her. And she will regret it.

 

In the meantime, you need to let her be. Giver her some space. Right now she feels she doesnt care about you bla bla...its all the excitment. Nothing more. She couldnt possibly love someone after 5days. Just let her be...busy yourself. Do other things. Sometimes people need to loose you to really appreciate you. Sometimes people need to test the waters to actaully know what they want. I think this is the period for her. The period where she will get involved with other people...the period where she will make choices. And if you and her are meant to be, then you surely will be.

 

If you are not meant to be..and she is supposed to be nothing more than your "childhood sweetheart" that simply means there is someone out there. Someone who will love and cheerish more than this girl has. I don't know how religious you are, but i believe that fate is inevitable. There is a distinct script, which each and every one of us will follow. Take it as "you are following your script". Everything happens for a reason. You can't force this girl to be with you. You can only let her be...and leave her to make the decision.

 

Lastly, everyone wants what they can't have. I'm not advocating that you play mind games but the truth is this girl knows she has nothing to loose. Or better phrase she "believes she has nothing to loose". Afterall you are pinning for her and will always be (so she thinks). I bet she is thinking she has nothing to loose. What reason has she got to leave this other guy and return to you now? When you are ALWAYS going to be there, should she change her mind and realise she wants you.

 

I know you are hurting but its not as bad as it seems. You are young. You have so many years ahead of you. If you read through threads on here you will come across single 40 year olds. Inspite of their age they are still optimistic because they know life still has a lot more to offer. Love is a risk. Its a gamble. There are NO guarantees. And you are simply breaking into the real world. You just need to remain optimistic about yourself. You are a blessing and if she fails to see that, someone else definitely will.

 

Take care of yourself and do Keep us posted. xxx

[jdizzle]

im just afraid that this new guy is going to cloud her judgement... because im sure things are more exciting with him since everything is so brand new... and she seems to have forgotten how much she loved me a week and a half ago. she seems so happy with this new guy, and i feel like shes completely forgotten about me.

 

im trying to give her space, but when i have been in contact with her i never sound happy. i always am upset and depressed and she knows how much this is all hurting me. but a lot of people on here suggest sounding happy when im talking to her. is it really better to pretend im happy when im not? shouldnt she know how much this is hurting me? and if i sound so happy whenever i talk to her, wouldnt she assume that what she did isnt so bad? i want her to know that what shes doing is horrible and theres no excuse for it.

 

i feel like she gave up on our relationship so quickly. she broke up with me just after a couple of days of not feeling the same for me. shouldnt she try to make it work? shouldnt she wait for a month or so to see if those feelings go away? but instead she just broke up with me and started dating someone new. shes just throwing away a wonderful long term relationship for a more exciting crush. i've never felt so much pain in my life. its a struggle to get through everyday... and while im struggling to survive, shes out having fun with her new crush... how can someone just completely change in two days?

[MattyTee]

Hey bro,

 

The new guy may well 'cloud' her judgement as you say, but there is nothing you can do about that. Any attempt you make to 'remind' her of you and what you had will do exactly the opposite of what you hope.

 

There isn't always understanding in situations like these, believe me - a hell of a lot of people on here (me included) still don't understand what happened! Really, all you can do is accept. Rational thought doesn't come into it, you can't reason it through (you will drive yourself insane by trying to). We can all take a guess at why she has done what she's done, perhaps even someone will be right - but in the end it doesn't change that she's done it.

 

If you want to you can do the mind games that people play, pretend to be happy, show off another girl in front of her, but that's all it will be, a game. It will never produce a lasting effect. You can't, and shouldn't, be the judge to her actions. She won't listen to you anyway, the only way she will accept what she did was bad is if she comes to that realisation alone.

 

If you feel you are being treated badly then the only thing you can do about it (remember you are only in control of your actions) is to say to her "I'm sorry, I don't like the way you are treating me and the way you have thrown away what we had. Goodbye". If she comes around and comes back to you apologising then great, if not then you need to take responsibility for your own actions and move on. I'm sorry, that's going to be hard to hear.

 

If you are able to back off completely, focus on yourself for a while (perhaps actually finding some real happiness - although you'll feel that is impossible right now) and give her space, then that in my opinion is the right thing to do. She will then either decide she has made the right or wrong decision and may or may not come back to you. At that point you can decide how you feel about her and the relationship. As you will see a few times on here, you may not want her back (I'm not trying to suggest that will be certainly true).

 

I'm sorry you are going through this brother, it's not easy. There are a lot of people going through the very same thing. I was with my ex for eight years, we were engaged and she left telling me she wanted to be alone. 3 weeks later she has found someone else she likes ... it does happen.

 

Stay with the process, you will find that strength

[jdizzle]

thanks for the support everyone

[sedgwick]

Yikes...please please, paragraphs & punctuation!