Adopted, 25, time to move out?

[redfoxdreamer]

My story is a little different. I was adopted as an adult. As a teenager I was getting in w/the wrong crowd doing drugs etc... in any event, the person who i now call mom, helped me get out of those things by showing me that there are other things in life.

 

My life with my biological family was pretty much always turmoltuous. My mother although undiagnosed was probably borderline and i could not stand her. My father was never around even prior to their divorce when i was about 10 yrs old. I never attached to anyone. I moved out at the age of 18 or so.

 

I started living with my 'adopted' mom, pretty much right after that. We have gone through pretty hard times, inbetween losing people and just dealing with alot of crap. She is a bright, intelligent, smart, kind, loving woman , with alot of integrity and moral character. She did not have to take me in as a daughter but yet she did. She has a big heart.

 

Well. I feel like i'm going crazy. I know she wants me to be a good person that is not a question nor a doubt for me. I feel like i must be a really bad person that just doesn't want to change. Maybe its just that i don't want to change and run away like my father always did.

 

When my mom is angry or hurt she tells me things like i'm self centered, only care about myself, i don't deal with my feelings, i still act like i do when i was 16, i only care about myself, i'll never have a real intimate relationship, all i care about is men (i've dated only 2 men over the course of 7 years), i'm emotionally immature, i am covert and sneaky. i suppose the list could go on. that i care more about my job and making people like me at my job than the relationship with her or putting any kind of effort into the relationship whatsoever. She says that I act stupid, but i'm not. That i make myself into what i think people want me to be so that they will like me. When she says things like that i can't say that their not true. but i know thats not who i want to be. that i don't communicate....that its always a monologue, that all i do is stare.... or say yeah, you are right. my actions can't deny it. Maybe its just that I really don't care?

 

And i always manage to do something. Reniging on commitments is huge to her. I am inconsistent. I didn't take out the trash and it was too full. I didn't take care of my student loans on time. I didn't empty the dishwasher, i forgot. I didn't set the laundry timer to off. I forgot to leave the deposit slip so she can write in the amount in the account, I said I wouldn't get something and I did. I wasn't considerate. Everything is expected.

 

Ive been wanting to move out for a while now. For like 3 years. The things that my mother asks for are not difficult... I just don't do them. I feel like i'm losing my mind. Like i must be in self denial and i don't care, but yet i say i care. What is wrong with me? I think i have done so much crap that even if i do something, its not enough because the hurt has been compounded over so long and i'm someone she cannot trust so she guards herself.

 

Ive said i wanted to move out more than once. and i almost got kicked out like twice now. . she says she can't stand it anymore. Basically, if i leave, it would be saying that i don't want to put in any effort into the relationship.

 

At the same time I want to leave so badly. I feel like all i'm doing is working. Working 80 + hrs a week , (before that, it was 50 hr weeks) and..... i just don't know anymore. I want to move out do my own thing, and figure out what the hell i'm doing with my life, i want to devote time to learning, learning the piano - i don't care if i live in a dump, i want to create my own home!!!!!!!!!! But then here's the twist..... doing my own thing doesn't teach me about being considerate and loving to another person. Please help.

 

I know My mother has every right to her feelings. I think if i was dealing with me, I would be sick to death of me. I just don't know what to do or what the right thing to do is. My mother is very independant, but if i move out theres the whole financial situation. we live together. i would not want to leave her high and dry. and i don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life by not working on a relationship. she's the only person i have left. i have broken all ties to bloodlines.

please help, any sound, mature, advice?

[RecordProducer]

You can't live with your mother for the rest of your life. You must become independent yourself. Leaving the nest doesn't mean you abandoning her. You work hard, right? So you should be able to afford a decent life. Visit her a few times a week and develop a great relationship with her.

 

The reason why you're avoiding your responsibilities is because you're pushing the limits. You've grown up with a lack of love and subconsciously you want to see how far you can go before she kicks you out of her life and stops loving you. But she doesn't and then you feel guilty. But you can't help it; it's the skeleton of your heart - fear of rejection. Talk to her and explain to her that you love her and don't do those things on purpose. You are scared that you will lose her if you leave or if you talk back at her (that's why you say nothing when she criticizes you). She, on the other hand, is scared of you leaving her and starting your own life where she will not have a significant place in your heart.

 

However, this is all a big illusion. You must start a life on your own and you two can still have a great relationship - a healthier one.

 

But then here's the twist..... doing my own thing doesn't teach me about being considerate and loving to another person.

It teaches you to love yourself, and that's what you need right now.

[Phateless]

Just move out. All that stuff suddenly becomes a moot point and you start growing up. You have NO idea how much it's holding you back until you finally move out. I moved out when I was 19 and I should have done it when I was 18.

[My_Other_I]

OP, yes, your situation is a little different and heartwarming. She is a wonderful woman for taking you in and giving you another chance in life....but at 25 I would say that you do need to move out.

By moving out you don't stop loving your mom or others; the relationship might actually get stronger as you both realize how much you care and appreciate each other.

It's time to move forward in life, take your own trash out, set (or not :-) ) your own timers.....

Seriously, moving out is a natural step leading to independence and self-discovery, and I think that she needs her space, too. A lot of what you said sounds like frustration on both sides.

Like I said, moving out doesn't mean that you don't love her or care about her. You might wanna find a better home than a dump though ;-)

Good luck to ya!

[Storyrider]

I don't think your forgetfullness has anything to do with irresponsibility. You should be on your own at 25, not still answering to your mother about all these piddly daily things. You are just chafing at the bit because you are too grown up to be treated like a child anymore. Your relationship will probably improve immediately as soon as you move out and become your own boss. Then if you don't wash the dishes, you will have to eat off a spare hubcap or whatever, but you won't have your mommy yelling at you.

[redfoxdreamer]

I wanted to thank everyone for their replies. RecordProducer, your reply really hit home. I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to cause any pain to my mother, but I also know that I want to move out. I'm not even sure how to tell her. I don't have the courage yet to tell her. I have a feeling she is going to be angry with me- I dont even know if she's going to be hurt, or if she's not going to care and say "whatever, i don't even care anymore you have said this so much!" but if she is hurt- she's going to act out of anger- because that is always how she reacts to me. If she's hurt- she reacts in anger- she doesn't show she's hurt. I have just realized that about her. In all the time that I have lived with her (7 years) -her response has always been an angry one).

I am writing her a letter first, to try and get my thoughts and feelings straight. Once I have that straight, I will either end up giving her the letter or telling her in person. But I feel better in the sense that, I know that it is what I want, and I need to do something about this situation, rather than have it go on this way. I am also aware that I run the risk of her telling me that she doesn't want me in her life. She's said it before. She said, " and trust me, after you walk out that door, I won't ever think of you again".

I'm just starting to freeze up thinking about it. phew. ok. just gotta do it. My hope is that this is something we can work out and move forward with, rather than make an ending.

 

I wanted, again, to thank you all for your feedback. It truly helped me gain some perspective and some peace of mind and I am grateful for the words.

 

=o)

[sderenzi]

Let's make a point of explaining that you should only move out if the following conditions are met:

 

1. You have the money too

 

2. You have a social network (friends to be supportive, etc.)

 

3. You have a steady employment (something I lack nor can fix)

 

4. You are not addicted to drugs or alcohol

 

5. You're responsible

 

If you meet those conditions then why not move out? Then again why not stay home and save some money? You see it's really conditional on what you decide to do, I myself would move out immediately if I had the money. Those who have friends can do so with around the wage I earn because they'd move in together, since I lack friends it would be impossible.

 

People like living on their own to prove they're independent, someone once told me independence isn't from living on your own it's from inside yourself. I didn't understand that until I heard my friend say that everyone in her country basically lives with their family, they never go out and live in their own apartment, etc. because nobody can afford it. I knew then she was right and I stopped kicking myself for it.

 

Now leaving to get away is something I understand / would do but not because I want to feel independant, in my heart I already am.

[RecordProducer]

If she's hurt- she reacts in anger- she doesn't show she's hurt. I have just realized that about her.

We all do that, but I don't do that with my children.

 

In all the time that I have lived with her (7 years) -her response has always been an angry one).

This is not good. After your heart has been wounded by your own parents, this is not the type of treatment you deserved.

She said, " and trust me, after you walk out that door, I won't ever think of you again".

OMG! That's such a terrible thing to say, although if you've threatened to leave as in to get rid of her, I can understand her irrational reaction.

I am writing her a letter first, to try and get my thoughts and feelings straight.

Try to be positive rather than negative in your letter in order to achieve your goal, which is to NOT hurt her and preserve your relationship. I would write something like:

 

Dear Mom,

 

You are the only person in this world that I truly love and I don't know where I would have been without you. You gave me love, care, and a warm home. My biological parents broke my heart and you healed it. But, I am starting to be afraid that no one will ever love me the way you do. I live in fear of rejection of anyone who is not you. I am afraid that I feel too safe around you and secure under your wings, that I will trust anyone and start a family of my own. You taught me how to love and how to give. But it's time for me to continue the process and become myself like you. It's time for me to become responsible and independent so I can take care of myself and others some day. I am not a child anymore, although I often feel like I still am. I need to grow up. I need to move out and live on my own before I am ready to take care of my future family. You "raised" me and it's time for us to become best friends, like all mothers and daughters who have a great relationship. I don't want to abandon you; I just want to find my own identity. I want to live close to you and see you every day. I want you to be a significant part of my life, just like you've been so far. Nothing will ever replace you in my life and in my heart. I just need to open my heart to new people and let my old fears out. I hope you understand this and I hope you support my decision. I don't want anything from you, except to love me like you always have. And I certainly hope that you will not feel like I am abandoning you, because I am not. I would never ever abandon you or stop loving you and I would be immensely hurt if you would abandon me. Please understand me and help me make this change easier for both of us - without ruining what we have, because your love is the biggest treasure in my life. I love you.

 

This was just a quick draft. I was just hoping to give you an idea of how to keep things positive without going into too much detail. If she doesn't understand your motives or doesn't support your decision or starts threatening you - just ignore it and stay calm. She is not going to ditch you, she is just threatening. And if she ditches you, then there is nothing you can do about it. You have to become independent sooner or later. You don't want to stay with her forever and take care of her until she dies just to find yourself all alone at age 50-60. She did a lot for you, but it sounds like your relationship is not healthy. You have to do what's best for you, and if she loves you, she will want nothing but the best for you. Let us know how it went. Good luck!

[redfoxdreamer]

RecordProducer, when I've told my mother I want to move out i've said its because I want to be independant, figure things out etc. But I have NEVER told her that I can't stand her, or can't live with her anymore, or anything like that- NEVER.

Her response is that I want to move out because 'I don't want to deal w/it anymore', that 'I just want to run away' or that I just don't want to put in the effort. She also has said that living on my own wouldn't make me independant. She says I destroy things and then want to do a quick fix. It's true. I've created the present state of the relationship between my mother and me.

I have the money to live if not alone- w/a roomate, a steady job, i don't do drugs, etc.

 

Quote: Now leaving to get away is something I understand / would do but not because I want to feel independant, in my heart I already am.

 

 

That's what makes me think i'm making the wrong choice. If I just learned how to be independant, mature, w.e. it wouldn't matter if i lived with my mother. It wouldn't be the reason I am moving out.... but at the same thime It's like i'm married to my mother. Everything is a planned thing because finances are shared. I know in relationships, there's compromise... but I want some time where I don't have to do that, and sure, ok. its selfish!

 

I will write that letter, and once I am done w/it and give it to her I will let you know how it went!

 

Thank you, again for hearing me out.!

[RecordProducer]

Yes, you DO learn how to be independent by living on your own, managing your own finances and responsibilities. You are 25 years old; it's time for you to move out. Your mom is just trying to keep you for selfish reasons. She is selfish, not you. Daughters and sons all over America move at 25 or younger and their parents don't protest. Just do what's best for you, honey.

 

You don't learn how to live with a partner by living with a parent. Your parent is not an equal partner. Your mom is your boss. You need to take charge of your life and be your own boss. I don't care what you will tell your mom, but I want YOU to know in your heart that you are not selfish or irresponsible. You're being too hard on yourself. Most kids talk back at their parents with disrespect and you're not like that. You are much better than you think you are.

[redfoxdreamer]

Well. i had been trying to write that letter and find the right words.they did not come soon enough. i came home last night and my mother asked me about my financial aid and how much i was going to get from financial aid. of course i hadn't taken the time to figure that out. this past month or so i have still been working 70+ hrs.

Mon-Wed 7am-9:30pm, Thursday 7am-6pm or later, Friday 7am-10:30pm then 12-8pm, sat 8:30pm-10:30am then 12-8pm, sun 12-5 or 6pm. Last time we had an argument, well no- it was about me getting a credit card to pay off something to go to school, when she had said not to- (i got 2 credit cards since i had not saved and planned with enough time so that i would have enough and got credit cards instead) ......... she had said that's it! i want you out! because i wouldn't get my financial situation straightened, because I wouldn't communicate the fact that I needed money or tried to figure out the budget with her.

She is sick of taking care of the financial situation by herself. Budgets etc. and I never ask. Well. I told her I would make the effort to communicate with her abt other things and ask. Well. i try for a couple of days, and then i just say **** it. She's so hurt that if theres an opportunity she'll stick in a comment like "of course it wouldn't be like you to observe anything around you since you live in your own little world". SO i inturn shut down. I've been either working late, or i go out - in the whole month i've been out once. i worked late a couple times and had a beer after a long ass day of work. Sundays i don't go straight home after work. I will stay at my other job because i feel akward being home. so for her, I am out doing god knows what.

I stay away. Well, last night she asked about the loans. of course i hadn't figured it out. She was understandably upset. HOW COULD YOU SIT THERE WHILE I"M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE BUDGET, HOW COULD YOU WATCH SOMEONE THERE IN PAIN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ....... BUT YOU HAVE THE TIME TO GO OUT WITH FRIENDS RIGHT? YOU ARE SUCH ****ING PRINCESS GOD I CAN'T STAND THE SIGHT OF YOU ! I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU ANYMORE!!!! YOU ARE WORSE THAN YOUR SISTER !!! YOU ARE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, (I WON'T MENTION NAMES) BUT YOU JUST TOP IT OFF---- (my sister left my nephew with us_ was gone for who knows how long and then wanted him back and was with some other man while still married and pregnant) WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT AND GET PREGNANT? WHO'S TAKING CARE OF YOU NOW? WHAT MAN DO YOU HAVE? IT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE TO ADOPT YOU!! YOU HAVE NO COMPASSION WHATSOEVER YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE JUST SERVICE TO SELF!!!! YOU ARE A MISERABLE SON OF A BITCH AND YOU ARE JUST JEOLOUS!!! YOU SAY YOU ARE THESE THINGS BUT ITS JUST A SHOW!! ITS JUST A SHOW SO PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU BUT ITS NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE.... ITS ALL JUST A SHOW SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP PRETENDING!!! NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR MOTHER WAS THE WAY SHE WAS WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

well why don't i just go under a rock and hide. i'm not sure what has happened to me. but i don't know who i am anymore. and i don't blame her. i mean. if you try to communicate with someone and try to get them to understand but this person just won't do it. wouldn't you feel like you are going crazy? maybe i just made her crazy. for some reason it was easy to hate my biological mother. but when she says it... it cuts deep. i feel like i don't deserve anyone. like i'm an infectious disease that is only capable of harm. as long as i was okay with my mother, then i felt okay. everything was right with the world.

but now nothing is right. i doubt myself in everything. wheter i'm a good person or not or if i just made bad behaviors and really hurt someone i was supposed to love. does that make sense?

but she would say that i'm just a narscisstic person. that i wallow in self pity and can't feel anyone else but myself.