CallMeCrazy Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Ok I know this is going to stir up all kinds of things... but as I sit home sort of alone tonight my mind is wandering.... I have a question for all you OW out there. Honestly. What do you think about the BS/W??? If it were ME. I know that I would put up with very little from my H/BF. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't know.... But I think about all the blatent signs, (that my MM has given his W) and I don't see how she could have stayed with him for so long. So many unexplained things, so many "in-your-face" situations and I just can't help but lose respect for her because she put up with him and THIS for so long. Does she think she is really going to walk in on him f***ing someone else or what? There are obvious signs... what else does she need that he is cheating on her?? At the same time..... are our situations really that different?? What do you think??
Trialbyfire Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 OW/OM get involved with full knowledge (don't say you didn't know because you wouldn't be in this forum posting about being an OW/OM if you did) and the betrayed spouse has no knowledge. Hindsight and full knowledge are 20/20.
Author CallMeCrazy Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 Oh, I knew and I know that my MM was involved.... I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions. I have felt everything. Extreme guilt. Sadness. Anger..... you name it. I was just curious to see how the OW feel about the W. I definitely feel sad for her, but at the same time, it's hard for me to understand how she can put up with this. BUT ~ why I am putting up with this too.....??? My light at the end of the tunnel is knowing my MM is talking w/ his attorney again on Tuesday. Perhaps we're more alike than I'd like to admit......???
Trialbyfire Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I'm out of the situation but I can't imagine that your experience is the same as mine was. It was personal choice on your part to get involved with an MM and continue with it. In mine, I had no choice until I gained knowledge.
Lyssa Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Ok I know this is going to stir up all kinds of things... but as I sit home sort of alone tonight my mind is wandering.... I have a question for all you OW out there. Honestly. What do you think about the BS/W??? If it were ME. I know that I would put up with very little from my H/BF. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't know.... But I think about all the blatent signs, (that my MM has given his W) and I don't see how she could have stayed with him for so long. So many unexplained things, so many "in-your-face" situations and I just can't help but lose respect for her because she put up with him and THIS for so long. Does she think she is really going to walk in on him f***ing someone else or what? There are obvious signs... what else does she need that he is cheating on her?? At the same time..... are our situations really that different?? What do you think?? I have never given much thought about his W (xW now). From the brief moment we were emailing each other, she seem like a very nice person and my BF said so. When it comes to situations, it could be different. It's also different on how one handles it and what one goes through. Are you waiting for your MM's W to find out about the A?
Author CallMeCrazy Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 Part of me wants her to find out.... but another part doesn't... I would never do anything to contact her/etc. however, sometimes I wish she knew.
Lyssa Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Part of me wants her to find out.... but another part doesn't... I would never do anything to contact her/etc. however, sometimes I wish she knew. What is your situation like, right now? Has he said anything about leaving or is he not doing anything about it?
OpenBook Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 You want to know the truth... When I was involved with my MM, I remember wondering how she ever put up with him. Isn't that sad? Deep down, I knew he was a jerk, and not a good bet for the long haul. But I only briefly wondered about her... She was not a participant in the A and in my mind had nothing to do with it. I had never met her before (and had only caught brief glimpses of her a couple times) and did not know her on a personal level. I didn't think about her much at all -- the focus wasn't on her. And although my MM made sure to let me know that he was very unhappy in his M and it was "over" for him on an emotional level, he didn't say much more than that.
imstunned Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I feel both very envious of my exMM's wife and on the flip side very very sad for her. I didnt know he was married - she discovcered about me by looking on his phone and phoned me. I lied about me and her husband. She dosent know the truth about her husband. Early 20's - 2 young kids, married to an a**hole. Not a great situation to be in. However for all I know he came clean, told her everything and she has made a choice to stay with him. Her call.
frannie Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I have a question for all you OW out there. Honestly. What do you think about the BS/W??? If it were ME. I know that I would put up with very little from my H/BF. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't know.... But I think about all the blatent signs, (that my MM has given his W) and I don't see how she could have stayed with him for so long. So many unexplained things, so many "in-your-face" situations and I just can't help but lose respect for her because she put up with him and THIS for so long. I don't know... I don't know why either of them stay married to each other, but perhaps it's the same reason for both of them: they have a shared life, habit, and the children. Of course my MM's W probably doesn't have (much? any?) of an inkling of the fact he's cheating on her. So, maybe things are pretty much as she likes them at home. Or maybe she's just given up trying to make things any different (I know I have, so after x years, who can blame her?), and like her husband, sticks it out because... it's what they do. They've both given up on changing anything, as far as I can know. Really, I don't give it any thought any longer. Because I just can't know.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 In my OW days, thought of the betrayed wife/fiance/girlfriend simply didn't factor in. My interactions were always FWB type stuff by my choice, and I didn't consider the betrayed person at all. At that time, I didn't see what we were doing as any sort of threat to their relationship. They would carry on like normal with their SO, and see me from time to time for some completely unrelated 'benefits'. I was very callous back then. I write this stuff, and its like I'm writing about someone else. I see one of those women from time to time and I feel bad for what I did. She never found out about me, but she suspected back then and that was bad enough. There was only one time that I felt anything about the betrayed person that wasn't in hindsight and that was when I was OW to a guy for six months without knowing I was the OW. I was infatuated with him, madly in love with him, nearly desperate for him for months. We had a Henry Miller romance if you can call it that. I remember when I found out. The night before, we had gone out to a pub and were walking back to my place and he stopped me in the parking lot and looked at me and said "I love you". Then he laughed and shouted it over and over for anyone to hear. It was the first time he had said that, and I was amazed! The next day, his "ex" came in to the coffeeshop where I was working and sat there for a while, and I asked a mutual friend what she was up to. Mutual friend said that she was checking me out to see who her boyfriend was messing with this time. I was like .... wha? He told me that they never broke up and had been together all this time. They have this twisted arrangement where they will go out and have sex with other people and come back to each other and compare notes while f*cking each other. He got 'too involved' with me, and they apparently decided that it was time to end it. So, he did. He came to my apartment that same day, and ended it. It was Valentines Day. I was still in shock to find out that all this time I was OW. How did I feel about her? I hated her. I hated them both because they were both in on it. They are still together twelve years later, and every once in a while she would come into where I work before I went on medical leave to check me out I guess to see if I was still around. Sometimes I would want to throw a book at her head right there at work, and hit them both with it. Mostly though, it is so far in the past that I am indifferent, but when I think back on it I can still stir up some anger.
justice Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I'm not nor have I ever been an OW. People here who know me can tell you that. I was the BS at one point, I'm divorced now. Thank Heavens! I did talk to the ow at one point in my marriage and she told me that to her, I just didn't exist until I found out about her and blew the lid off the kettle. Maybe if more ow's would take the time to get to know the W, there wouldn't be as many people betraying each other. It's a hard road you're on. Don't look for it to get any easier, because it won't.
Lizzie60 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I do not think about the Ws ever. why would I? and what good would that make for me or him? I'm sure they are good persons... I have never seen any of them and have no desire to. My MM's (from work) W is a good wife and an amazing mother... She has absolutely NO clue... and I know she will never find out. We are extremely careful, only meet during the day... and he picks up most of her calls... she is a SAHM, they only have 1 vehicle so she can't leave home unless she borrows a car from her parents... My young MM, well that's another story, because she knows my name, where I live, etc.... she could catch him again because he's back... but I suppose it would be a good thing if she leaves him cause he will NEVER ever stop, he is a young 'serial' cheater. I have never seen her but he has described her to me... but if she ever shows up at my place I will say I am the 'tenant' or something.. she doesn't know what I look like.
Lizzie60 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I should add.. maybe some women do have a doubt about their H's other life.. but just want to close their eyes and not disturb the kids or their own security and comfortable life... That happens a lot.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 ...and I don't see how she could have stayed with him for so long.The question is, why do YOU stay with someone whose so blatantly disrespectful to someone he promised to HONOR and cherish? Watch very closely how a man treats a woman that he's supposed to love and respect - it's a REAL good indication of his true character. ...and I just can't help but lose respect for her because she put up with him and THIS for so long.Ummmm, and you respect HIM? The guy's a liar and cheater and has no problem smashing it in her face while he's at it. He's utterly despicable. And yet, he stays. He stays. Why don't you ask why HE stays? Not her. Him. Why does HE stay? Are you losing respect for HIM because he chooses to stay? I'd bet not. ... what else does she need that he is cheating on her??And never forget, you don't LIVE with them so you only know what HE'S telling you. And he's already shown you exactly what he's made of, hasn't he? My dog has more character.
Meaplus3 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Ok I know this is going to stir up all kinds of things... but as I sit home sort of alone tonight my mind is wandering.... I have a question for all you OW out there. Honestly. What do you think about the BS/W??? If it were ME. I know that I would put up with very little from my H/BF. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't know.... But I think about all the blatent signs, (that my MM has given his W) and I don't see how she could have stayed with him for so long. So many unexplained things, so many "in-your-face" situations and I just can't help but lose respect for her because she put up with him and THIS for so long. Does she think she is really going to walk in on him f***ing someone else or what? There are obvious signs... what else does she need that he is cheating on her?? At the same time..... are our situations really that different?? What do you think?? Well I happen to know mm's wife pretty well since she's been my neighbor for many year's. What do I think you her? Well, I feel bad for her and the reason I feel bad for her is becuase she's a decent woman and she's lives with such a cheating, lier! MM will never change and it's sad for her and their children. AP:)
White Flower Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Ok I know this is going to stir up all kinds of things... but as I sit home sort of alone tonight my mind is wandering.... I have a question for all you OW out there. Honestly. What do you think about the BS/W??? If it were ME. I know that I would put up with very little from my H/BF. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't know.... But I think about all the blatent signs, (that my MM has given his W) and I don't see how she could have stayed with him for so long. So many unexplained things, so many "in-your-face" situations and I just can't help but lose respect for her because she put up with him and THIS for so long. Does she think she is really going to walk in on him f***ing someone else or what? There are obvious signs... what else does she need that he is cheating on her?? At the same time..... are our situations really that different?? What do you think?? Hmmm. Well, I think there were many signs, but as he tells me he always dismisses her questioning. She'll catch him on the cell phone and ask him who he was talking to. It's always "one of his buddies". And he has so many buddies that she cannot question it. My H has only 1 or 2 close friends. I would know if he were talking to a woman. And we always see each other during the day. Always home on time and back to the routine. If he doesn't answer the cell, there was no coverage in that area. All legitimate answers that cannot really be argued. And he is very social. Life of the party. At parties he dances with a lot of the women there. It's normal for them. He could be dancing with me at one of those parties and she would never know. Part of the routine. He makes her feel like a wife should feel. Why would she question anything? Our situation hurts me because I know. And since I'm ending it she never has to know. I don't feel like she is stupid for not noticing. Like I said, he has not changed anything in their daily routine. As far as she is concerned, life is good.
frannie Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 He stays. Why don't you ask why HE stays? Not her. Him. Why does HE stay? Are you losing respect for HIM because he chooses to stay? I'd bet not. Very good questions. Personally, yes, I've asked myself that over and over. I have lost respect for him, yes. I feel he could have done a better job of this whole affair, one way or another. But then, I've been there helping him to do this bad job of things. So... we all lose, really.
justice Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I didn't just want to close my eyes. Everytime something suspicious occured, I went right to him, the man I married and trusted, to ask if he was having an affair. Each and everytime he looked me in the eye and lied. He and I had an agreement when we were first married, that if either one of us felt as if we were attracted to someone else and we thought we could cheat, we would tell the other and discuss it. We would talk about the problems that had brought us to that point. Well I guess he lied about that too. He gaslighted me for more than a year. He knew that I was depressed and thinking about suicide and he did things to push me to that point. So I decided that I would start to snoop, and jackpot! He was so full of crap and he planned to screw me financially as much as he was screwing her physically. So even though I heard things and saw signs, I trusted the man that I married. Problem was, he wasn't the man I married. He was a characterless, piece of warm crap, that was screwing a repeat offender with the moral fiber of a loose rabbit. Amen, Bent. Sorry you went through that. That's somewhat like what happened to me. I hate feeling like I was crazy due to the gaslighting. We deserve better.
Gwyneth Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I don't care for his wife (or much for him right now either). He painted a mean picture of his wife to me and first impressions last a while on me, ya know? If I knew her, I am sure my feelings for her would be different. Right now, though, she's only that horrible image he painted of her for me. The fact that she called me and breathed in my ear, FIVE TIMES during one evening, back to back, does not help me at all in even Trying to like her. Then she changed his phone number and he never gave it to me (what was the point? He can't call me and I can't call him on that number). Instead, he uses pay phones, mobile web/email, or friend's phones to contact me. He also had to get a private email account so that he and I could exchange emails because his wife demanded his password to his original email address. I know she's just playing her role as the wife, but from my perspective, I think she's a monster--and that's based on the picture he painted of her for me. Like I said, if I knew her as a person and not this image, my feelings would be different. I'd probably care that her husband was cheating on her with me. I'm finished with him, though, and I still do not like her. Or him.
KnownTruth Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I think My MM's W is crazy to stay with him when he has told her he doesn't love her anymore. Of course he wants to leave the situation but certain things have made it too hard at the moment. She doesn't want to give up her nice cozy life. I can't say that I blame her. I don't know her well, I have only met her a few times. She puts on a good show for others to make them think she is so happy. I think she is not living in reality and would rather not know about things than to deal with them head on.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Ok I know this is going to stir up all kinds of things... but as I sit home sort of alone tonight my mind is wandering.... I have a question for all you OW out there. Honestly. What do you think about the BS/W??? If it were ME. I know that I would put up with very little from my H/BF. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't know.... But I think about all the blatent signs, (that my MM has given his W) and I don't see how she could have stayed with him for so long. So many unexplained things, so many "in-your-face" situations and I just can't help but lose respect for her because she put up with him and THIS for so long. Does she think she is really going to walk in on him f***ing someone else or what? There are obvious signs... what else does she need that he is cheating on her?? At the same time..... are our situations really that different?? What do you think?? First of all, I think you're making a huge assumption that the wife must know...I doubt very much that she does, but lets assume for the sake of argument that she does suspect, maybe she's happy with the status quo? Maybe she doesn't want to disrupt her life because her husband is being a jerk, maybe he'll get over his self-esteem issues and life will once again go make to normal? She's got a lot to lose over some suspicion that she may or may not even have. She probably has other things going on in her life other than keeping tabs on her husbands every mood. Does she have kids, a career, a house to run? There you have it.
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I don't care for his wife (or much for him right now either). He painted a mean picture of his wife to me and first impressions last a while on me, ya know? If I knew her, I am sure my feelings for her would be different. Right now, though, she's only that horrible image he painted of her for me. The fact that she called me and breathed in my ear, FIVE TIMES during one evening, back to back, does not help me at all in even Trying to like her. Then she changed his phone number and he never gave it to me (what was the point? He can't call me and I can't call him on that number). Instead, he uses pay phones, mobile web/email, or friend's phones to contact me. He also had to get a private email account so that he and I could exchange emails because his wife demanded his password to his original email address. I know she's just playing her role as the wife, but from my perspective, I think she's a monster--and that's based on the picture he painted of her for me. Like I said, if I knew her as a person and not this image, my feelings would be different. I'd probably care that her husband was cheating on her with me. I'm finished with him, though, and I still do not like her. Or him. Hi Gwyneth, it's been a while. So, you're finished with him? Where can I read about this new decision? How are you doing?
Gwyneth Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Hi Gwyneth, it's been a while. So, you're finished with him? Where can I read about this new decision? How are you doing? I'll post all about it once I am off of probation, lol. It would be easier for me to respond to posts without having to wait for Tony to approve my posts before the board can see them. I'm doing great! You know, I read over and over what people write and say on here and while I still feel very strongly about a lot of my decisions and opinions, I also see things slightly different. I really think this board did some good for me. I also saw this guy for who he really is, and that was done on my own. My being angry with him doesn't really have anything to do with our affair, but our friendship, because before our affair, he's my friend. Not anymore
sadbuttrue Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 i feel sorry for MM's W. i think she is probably a good person, he says she is. i dont like her because she is his W, but i dont really know her and i dont think i would want to know her. i do think there have been many signs to her that something is going on between her H and i, but she has put them aside i guess. i can understand her not wanting to disrupt the lives of her children and herself. if i was in her place i would probably try my best to keep him around as well. i would like to talk to her about everything and let her know exactly what is going on, but i wont do that because it would hurt him. i just really feel sorry for her and sad that we are doing this to her. but, and i know it is coming, i do not want to stop seeing him. i am not going to sacrifice my heart for hers right now.
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