misslynda Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Hi everybody, i'm new to this board, and wanted some advice about what to do about my situation. I have been married for 15 years (married when we were really young), and my husband and I have two daughters aged 16 and 13. A few months ago i found out my husband had been cheating on me, and so moved to my sister's house. my sister has two daughters of her own, and a live-in boyfriend that did not father her daughters. the past few months have been pure hell living with her, but i have nowhere to go right now. the thing is that our eldest daughters do not get along, and this puts friction between my sister and i over how to raise them. the girls are constantly fighting both verbally and physically, with the faceslap as the dispute settler. I don't think a week has gone by in over four months in our house where one of us has not slapped the other. it started off between the elder girls, spread to the younger girls and now has spread to occuring between my sister and i. Just the other day my sister got mad at my daughter, and my daughter slapped her, my sister slapped her back, so my sister slapped her again, my daughter slapped her back YET again, and then I stepped in and my sister slapped me, and so I slapped her, and then she slapped me back again before her boyfriend grabbed her hand. This type of thing is a common occurence and happens at least once a week when disagreements don't get resolved. After all the faceslapping it seems everything cools off after a while, and it so remains as a viscious cycle of tension between us, verbal outletting and then SLAP..... SLAP SLAP.....SLAP.......... SLAP SLAP SLAP separate and don't talk for the rest of the day. UGH - just driving me nuts! I feel bad for my sister's boyfriend as he must be sick and tired of living with a house full of fighting women and girls. My husband begs me to move back with him, but I can't bear even looking at him, even though he said he hasn't seen the other woman for three months. I don't know whether to believe him. He has shown up here several times, and is upset that my sister and I and our daughters are not getting along, and says all the troubles will go away if me and the girls just move back with him. I can't take it and just tell my sister's boyfriend to make him go away. I've tried to punish my daughters for slapping, but I think it's both my sisters and my fault. We were raised in a household ourselves where the women unfortunately settled disputes by slapping the other girls face. Has anyone ever had this situation - know how to stop the cycle of faceslapping? I don't know what to do about my husband either as I can't conceive of living with him, can't afford to move out on my own, but can't deal with the female faceslapping in our house of six women and one guy constantly trying to break it up. Any ideas what to do? L
Ladyjane14 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Any ideas what to do? What would be the best solution for your daughters? I think if you and your husband focus on what's best for them, you'll find a way to work it out so they have their own home. Now, that might be reconciliation of the marriage, or working out a financial agreement to accommodate two separate dwellings, or splitting time in the one dwelling you have, whereby maybe you'd live there with the children for one week and he'd live there the next with each of you finding a place to stay during your alternate weeks. Anyway, the important thing is to meet the needs of your children. Regardless of your differences, this should be middle ground you can both agree on.
DazedandConfused66 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 You don't mention much about your H's affair, and that's understandable given how hurt I'm sure you were over the ordeal. But you do have to realize that you've just described a dysfunctional situation by having you and your daughters settling disputes via slapping one another. No matter how you slice it....that's not normal behavior. I won't justify your H's actions one bit....he did something terrible to you and your daughters. But you have to wonder if the family situation didn't create a bad situation that just let HIM rationalize his actions. My suggestion....you need counseling yourself, as do likely your daughters. And you and your H need counseling if there's any hope of trying to reconcile and fix things. I'd suggest you not spend money on a second place to live, but that YOU move back home with the girls and your H go find a friend or family to live with until you two decide if there's any chance of reconciliation. The three of you living in close proximity to your sister, who also demonstrates a dysfunctional manner of dealing with disputes, is NOT going to contribute anything but MORE stress at a point in your life where you absolutely do NOT need any more.
Trialbyfire Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 You don't mention much about your H's affair, and that's understandable given how hurt I'm sure you were over the ordeal. But you do have to realize that you've just described a dysfunctional situation by having you and your daughters settling disputes via slapping one another. No matter how you slice it....that's not normal behavior. I won't justify your H's actions one bit....he did something terrible to you and your daughters. But you have to wonder if the family situation didn't create a bad situation that just let HIM rationalize his actions. My suggestion....you need counseling yourself, as do likely your daughters. And you and your H need counseling if there's any hope of trying to reconcile and fix things. I'd suggest you not spend money on a second place to live, but that YOU move back home with the girls and your H go find a friend or family to live with until you two decide if there's any chance of reconciliation. The three of you living in close proximity to your sister, who also demonstrates a dysfunctional manner of dealing with disputes, is NOT going to contribute anything but MORE stress at a point in your life where you absolutely do NOT need any more. I can't agree more with this advice. I'm uncertain why you moved out, instead of asserting your rights and making your H move out.
RecordProducer Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Just the other day my sister got mad at my daughter, and my daughter slapped her, my sister slapped her back, so my sister slapped her again, my daughter slapped her back YET again, and then I stepped in and my sister slapped me, and so I slapped her, and then she slapped me back again before her boyfriend grabbed her hand. It's been a long time since I've had such a hard laugh! Thank you! SLAP..... SLAP SLAP.....SLAP.......... SLAP SLAP SLAP :lmao: :lmao: separate and don't talk for the rest of the day. UGH - just driving me nuts! Sorry, I know it's not funny, but perhaps you could see how hilarious and ridiculous this situation is. So what happens the next day? Do you just pretend that nothing happened or does the tension hold? You know, you guys all love each other. This is just a way in which you deal with anger. In my family, we scream. In yours, you slap each other. Why don't you sit down and agree to keep your hands behind your butts and talk nicely about every problem? Think of some kind of punishment for the one who starts a fight for no reason. You and your sister are giving the kids a very bad example. Also, your daughter slapping your sister is not a nice image; she is 16 and your sister is an adult. You should support your sister even when she is wrong and she should support you. You have to gang up "against" the kids and show them who makes the rules and who's in charge. Instead, you are showing them that if anything goes wrong, you just slap the opponent. It's not only your fault, but the whole problem IS in you and your sister. You have to give them a good example of how to deal with disagreements. If you can't get along, it's better to separate than to teach your kids to be aggressive. Can you get a job (if you don't have one already) and move out? Perhaps your daughters will realize what they lost when they start living a very poor life; perhaps they will start to appreciate their aunt and cousins more. I can tell you, your sister is a real sweetheart for putting up with the three of you and so is her BF. If I were her, I'd kick you out in no time (unless the house is officially half-yours).
Trojan John Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 SOMEBODY in that family needs to learn how to duck.
harleygirl92156 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Just the other day my sister got mad at my daughter, and my daughter slapped her, my sister slapped her back, so my sister slapped her again, my daughter slapped her back YET again, and then I stepped in and my sister slapped me, and so I slapped her, and then she slapped me back again before her boyfriend grabbed her hand. This type of thing is a common occurence and happens at least once a week when disagreements don't get resolved. L Can someone say GROW UP! You and your sister are the adults (and I use the word adult lightly) here.....ACT LIKE IT. The daughters act the way they do because they have been TAUGHT to act that way by YOU AND YOUR SISTER!!!!
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 A few months ago i found out my husband had been cheating on me, and so moved to my sister's house. Whoa, stop right there. Your H was cheating and YOU moved out? Why? Tell your H this. You're moving back home with your daughters and he's leaving. If he has any hope for your marriage, let him find his own place, pay support and then, when things settle down, you two can begin MC. Certainly less pressure on you and a better situation for your kids. Mr. Lucky
RecordProducer Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Whoa, stop right there. Your H was cheating and YOU moved out? Why? Tell your H this. You're moving back home with your daughters and he's leaving. If he has any hope for your marriage, let him find his own place, pay support and then, when things settle down, you two can begin MC. Certainly less pressure on you and a better situation for your kids. Mr. LuckyI don't know the particulars of your situation, but I kinda like this advice.
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