Tell me not to contact him!

[sedgwick]

God I am having a terrible time tonight. I want with everything in me just to tell him I love him, but he hasn't come to my house/sent flowers/written a letter, so I know he doesn't love me back or care to hear from me. He dumped me, I've had his contact info blocked for 10 weeks, I want so much to know if he still thinks of me that it is literally driving me crazy. We've been broken up for four months and all I've done today is lie in bed. So, so pathetic. I just keep wondering...WHY did he break up with me? Was it REALLY just because I wasn't a musician? What did I do wrong? I thought everything was going great.

 

Why was everything I had to give not enough? Why? Am I just destined to be alone forever, with all this love in me and nobody who wants it? Is it just because I'm ugly? Fat? What?

[nycndatriad]

None of the above. I hope that your heart heals soon. You'll love again.

[bustertypsy]

Sedgwick,do not contact him!!!!!!!

Once he knows that you love him and want to be with him,that's all you can do.

If you approach him and he isn't interested,you are going to be devastated.

No matter what happens,if he wants to be with you after thinking things thru,then for sure,you will hear from him......guaranteed!!!

[Crestfallen_KH]

I've seen this "he dumped me because I wasn't a musician" thing several times now and have avoided saying this because obviously I don't know him or your situation. I haven't read your initial posts or the details surrounding your breakup.

 

But that line seriously sounds like such a load of crap to me, and it sounds like you suspect it might be too.

 

I mean, he KNEW you weren't a musician when you started dating, right? If he saw a future, felt a real connection and thought you were "the one" I hardly think your occupation/hobby would matter.

 

I think you cut yourself off from him to save yourself from pain and at the time, it was the right thing to do. But now you are left with all of these questions. I got to that point, too. When my STBXH said he wanted the divorce, I moved out, ignored him, and that was that. Even when I found out he moved in with his affair partner.

 

But, after several weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. I got mad that I had made it so easy for him. I got mad that I didn't have any answers, even though they might be painful. And I got mad that he just got to go on like he did while I wondered if he ever thought about me.

 

So I lost it. I wrote him a long e-mail, explaining how I felt and telling him what I thought about him and the situation. And I felt....good. I finally got it off my chest and was able to continue healing where before I just felt stuck.

 

This goes against what most people might advise, but I say contact him. You probably won't like what he has to say, but maybe you'll get an apology (I actually did) or the truth. At the very least you'll know how he feels and you'll know you finally got to say what you wanted to say or ask the questions you want to ask.

 

Do it once, then back off and continue healing. And only do it if you can handle possibly being left with new questions that you'll probably never have the answers to.

[sedgwick]

I wonder so much why I couldn't have been "the one." We were together for a year. He told me constantly that he had never felt such a connection with anyone. He told me he loved me. Despite his insanely busy schedule, he made time to see me. We were always very physically attracted to each other. But then one morning I just wasn't a musician and that was that, and he dumped me and left on tour for three months. I thought it must be someone else, and I begged him to tell me, and he said it wasn't. So I asked a few of his friends and they said, no, he's not with anyone, he just wants to be single so he can obsess on music all the time.

 

He's so obsessive that I had to be comfortable with being second best, and I was. I was okay with being second best to music. But I guess in the end nothing I thought we had was real. I wish I knew why he pretended for so long. I wish I knew what was in it for him.

[Lizzie60]

stop obsessing over a man.. it's time for you to move on... no man on this planet (and no woman) is worth enough to give your life for or settle to be the second best.. come on.. now... you need to give your head a shake... and move on... go out, visit your friends, family, go to the gym, go for a walk, volunteer at a hospital.. I don't know.. but YOU NEED to do something to stop obsessing about him...

[Surfer Girl]

Seems you have it in your head... If only..... I was what he wanted me to be.... There are many relationships that happen without stipulations... Look at Eric Clapton... He is married to someone that had no musical interest... It is not about whether we adapt to what they want... It is about who we are and what we have to give... If someone is so limited to only want a certain persona..... Then that person has no idea what love is.... Hugs...

[Trialbyfire]

Don't contact him. You'll only take yourself back to square one. If you think you feel bad now, imagine wasting the last four months of your attempts to disassociate from him.

 

It's time to give yourself a shake, dust off, pick yourself back up and start living again. NO ONE in the world is worth this type of self-abuse.

[sedgwick]

I just feel like I deserve to be punished for being such a sh*t girlfriend, y'know? Like, I tried SO hard, with everything in me. I gave so much. I never fought with him, I always encouraged and supported him, I was so proud to be with him and so happy to be by his side. I told his friends how amazing I thought he was, and they said, "He says the same about you." His friends told me he talked about me all the time. So now I'm thinking...were they all just lying? Were they all just making fun of me the whole time, having fun at my expense?

 

So...it must have been me. It had to have been. Either they were telling the truth about him being into me, and then I did something horrible and didn't see that I had done it, and he fell out of love with me overnight, or there was just something about my core being that was so wrong he realized he had to get away from me. I don't know. I just know that seven hours before he dumped me for not being a musician, I snuggled next to him and fell asleep saying, "I'm so scared to write this book, but I know I can do it because I have you by my side. I love you." He said he loved me too, and I drifted off thinking, okay, finally I believe him, I know he loves me, I know this is good and we're strong. And then the next morning over breakfast he told me that he just feels like the love of his life, whoever she is (and it's nobody specific, apparently), is an old-time fiddle player. Given that he was willing to give me a chance at first even though I am not an old-time fiddle player, I figure he must have seen something good in me at first and then he found out that being just a writer and a dancer is not as good as being a musician, and he decided he hated me and had to go. I don't know. All I know is that for the last four months I've been crying until I puke and then crying some more and then puking some more. There have been some breaks in there, of course, where I do kind of okay and I function, but right now I'm supposed to be writing and I just can't because all I can think about when I try to write is how I suck because I was such a bad girlfriend and so stupid as to think anything in the world was important besides old-time music.

 

This sucks.

[Ocean-Blue]

I just feel like I deserve to be punished for being such a sh*t girlfriend, y'know? Like, I tried SO hard, with everything in me. I gave so much. I never fought with him, I always encouraged and supported him, I was so proud to be with him and so happy to be by his side. I told his friends how amazing I thought he was, and they said, "He says the same about you." His friends told me he talked about me all the time. So now I'm thinking...were they all just lying? Were they all just making fun of me the whole time, having fun at my expense?

 

So...it must have been me. It had to have been. Either they were telling the truth about him being into me, and then I did something horrible and didn't see that I had done it, and he fell out of love with me overnight, or there was just something about my core being that was so wrong he realized he had to get away from me. I don't know. I just know that seven hours before he dumped me for not being a musician, I snuggled next to him and fell asleep saying, "I'm so scared to write this book, but I know I can do it because I have you by my side. I love you." He said he loved me too, and I drifted off thinking, okay, finally I believe him, I know he loves me, I know this is good and we're strong. And then the next morning over breakfast he told me that he just feels like the love of his life, whoever she is (and it's nobody specific, apparently), is an old-time fiddle player. Given that he was willing to give me a chance at first even though I am not an old-time fiddle player, I figure he must have seen something good in me at first and then he found out that being just a writer and a dancer is not as good as being a musician, and he decided he hated me and had to go. I don't know. All I know is that for the last four months I've been crying until I puke and then crying some more and then puking some more. There have been some breaks in there, of course, where I do kind of okay and I function, but right now I'm supposed to be writing and I just can't because all I can think about when I try to write is how I suck because I was such a bad girlfriend and so stupid as to think anything in the world was important besides old-time music.

 

This sucks.

 

Wait, aren't you the same woman who has authored a book? Errr...methinks you need to wake up sedgwick. Why in the world are you questioning your worth? Do you not have enough proof of your value? Why let another person define who you are or how you feel about yourself? Is cutting yourself emotionally, the way you've been doing, worth the damage it is doing to your self esteem? NO!

 

And who breaks up with someone because they are not an old-time fiddle player (I don't even know what that is!). That is so bizarre. Either he is mentally unstable and living in a bubble (where there are dinosaurs and green elephants) OR he wasn't man enough to tell you that it wasn't working (for whatever reason). I suspect you feel as much pain as you do BECAUSE he never gave you a REAL answer. If he was being serious...if in fact this guy is looking for an old-time fiddle player, well...he is as superficial as they come. Who goes out into the world seeking such a specific attribute? I can understand if this is something he prefers to have in his mate...but to say that the love of his life IS an old-time fiddle player - WTF? I really don't get it. Does he also mutter to himself, scratch at the door when he hears a noise and piss his pants?

 

You are a writer. You are a dancer. The pen is your friend and you can move your body in ways I can only dream of. Why would you let this guy take your accomplishments away from you? Why??????

 

I don't get it! Why do women with so many attributes and success allow crazy, delusional morons to dictate how they see themselves.

 

I sincerely hope you do not call him.

[melodymatters]

Wait, aren't you the same woman who has authored a book? Errr...methinks you need to wake up sedgwick. Why in the world are you questioning your worth? Do you not have enough proof of your value? Why let another person define who you are or how you feel about yourself? Is cutting yourself emotionally, the way you've been doing, worth the damage it is doing to your self esteem? NO!

 

And who breaks up with someone because they are not an old-time fiddle player (I don't even know what that is!). That is so bizarre. Either he is mentally unstable and living in a bubble (where there are dinosaurs and green elephants) OR he wasn't man enough to tell you that it wasn't working (for whatever reason). I suspect you feel as much pain as you do BECAUSE he never gave you a REAL answer. If he was being serious...if in fact this guy is looking for an old-time fiddle player, well...he is as superficial as they come. Who goes out into the world seeking such a specific attribute? I can understand if this is something he prefers to have in his mate...but to say that the love of his life IS an old-time fiddle player - WTF? I really don't get it. Does he also mutter to himself, scratch at the door when he hears a noise and piss his pants?

 

You are a writer. You are a dancer. The pen is your friend and you can move your body in ways I can only dream of. Why would you let this guy take your accomplishments away from you? Why??????

 

I don't get it! Why do women with so many attributes and success allow crazy, delusional morons to dictate how they see themselves.

 

I sincerely hope you do not call him.

 

 

Bulls eye ! You are letting somone else define what is important about you, which is working like cryptonite on superman apparently !

 

This cool tattoed, belly dancing, published author is throwing her life and energy over a cliff, because ONE guy, either did NOT love you the way he thought or said ( flakey or a liar)

 

Or he really is that emotionally immature that he had a little cinderella dream " MY great love will wear a size 5 shoe, and her puppy will be named zoe, or else she isn't the one for ME !"

 

Are you REALLY going to let this sh*t crush you ?

 

If so, give back the tattoes, and the book contract to a woman with balls, and go sit by your window wailing for heathcliffe !

 

( sorry to be harsh, but thats what TRUE girlfriends do, when they see their friends wasting away over crap !)

 

Man up, and write the BEST book you can, and let HIM see you in pictures and perhaps have second thoughts !

[Trialbyfire]

Well said Ocean-Blue. Here's a quick illustration:

 

"Hey World, I can play a banjo. I love the dualing banjos in the movie Deliverance."

 

"Hey World, I'm a writer and a dancer, full of creativity."

[Surfer Girl]

Wow... this man really took away your self esteem... Because you were not a Muscian..... that makes the difference??? I think not... People love each other for who they are.... No matter what..... You are a writer... that is you.... and never doubt that contribution.... He does not control who you are.... It is his loss.... You do not have to conform to him... Be thankful you have a talent that he may not recognize... but you should, as he only has a one track mind... You are so much more than that....

[sedgwick]

Oh my god, if he heard anyone mention "Dueling Banjos" in conjunction with what he does, he'd fling himself from a bridge.

 

Old-time music=hillbilly square dance music. Really. And when I say he's obsessed, I mean OOOOOBBBBSSSEESSSSEEDD. Like one time we were fooling around, and I was doing something or other to him that he liked, and he said he liked it, and I said, "Oh yeah? What else do you like?" And he said, "Fiddle tunes." We are talking about a guy with an 80 gig iPod filled ENTIRELY with music recorded before 1935. And two external hard drives filled with same. He sits at home and plays with his Victrolas. The first time he ever brought me to his house, he played me a record on his Victrola...wound it up, stood behind me and held me. Told me a couple of days later that he remembered his little sister, who died when he was five, because, "I used to play her records on my Victrola."

 

He said to me once, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." Actually, he said this when we were breaking up, and I said, "Have you ever noticed that I DO anything? Certainly books and dance could not be to me what music is to you." He said, "No, I know you do stuff."

 

He told me one night when we were still together, when things were good, "I never felt like a rockstar until I started hanging out with you and cars full of bellydancers started calling my name from the street."

 

But I mean...okay. So he had a bellydancer girlfriend who was crazy crazy in love with him, totally supportive of everything he did, and even offered to get us an apartment with a dance and music room with the advance money from the book. I said, "Would you live with me?" His answer was, "Hmmm, perhaps. Not anytime soon." Not even, y'know, but thanks for the thought.

He even said to me once, "If the bass could f*ck me, you'd be SOL." Then he sort of laughed. Sort of. And I mean, okay, tattooed bellydancer girlfriend comes in second to hoedown tunes, fine. Whatever. I can totally deal with being second best just to be in his life. But I guess for whatever reason, he decided that his life was a lot better without me in it at all.

 

I just wish I'd never met him. I picture him sitting around laughing at me with his friends, who are all musicians and thus, I'm sure, way cooler than I could ever hope to be. I guess in the end, given that he makes his living from music, all his friends are through music, and when he has a break from playing music, he wants to play music for fun, there just wasn't any time for anyone or anything that WASN'T music.

 

Incidentally, his girlfriend before me was Chinese, had grown up studying violin, went to Harvard and played in the Radcliffe Orchestra, fell in love with fiddle over violin, started playing fiddle all the time, and she was apparently his dream dream dream girl. And she broke up with him, totally broke his heart, etc. I later got to talk to her, after he dumped me, and she said she broke up with him because he took her to an old-time festival and then wouldn't play with her all week because there were 80-year-old toothless guys from Kentucky with whom he would rather hang out. She said she left crying because he made her feel like such a bad fiddle player. And do you know what's so weird? Even though she's with someone else now, and no longer interested in him at all, I just keep comparing myself to her and thinking how if I could just look...y'know, CHINESE...and not particularly interesting Chinese, just...skinny and boyish with long plain straight hair, no tattoos, no makeup, etc...THEN I would be attractive. So I spend a lot of time hating myself for not being an Asian with a violin. So that's fun.

[melodymatters]

Ok, well it seems like you are determined to throw yourself over a cliff : emotionally, physcologically, professionally, over this " rainman" of a banjo player.

 

 

 

 

... What else can we say to you to help you see the light ?....

[sedgwick]

He's not a banjo player, he's a bass player. But yes, he is totally Rainman. In fact, that's what a lot of my friends called him...quite a few people asked me if I thought maybe he had Asperger's. He'd come home from old-time festivals and realize he hadn't eaten, showered, or slept in three days...like it was news to him. In the time I knew him, he went from 6'2", 135 lbs, to 6'2", 125 lbs.

 

He NEVER sleeps. He lives on cigarettes and coffee (no, he's not doing drugs; he smokes pot, but anything more serious than that would take time or money away from music.) He doesn't take care of himself at all. The first time he tried to dump me for not being a musician (this happened about two months before he actually did it), I said, "Are you sure you're not breaking up with me because you really want to break up with the band?" He said, "I never thought of it like that," and told me that was in fact what was going on. But then two months later it was back to me not being a musician.

 

What I guess I wonder the most is if that kind of sleep deprivation and severe nutritional deficiency (i.e., cigarettes and coffee rather than food) can make you crazy. If it could have had ANYTHING to do with us breaking up.

 

I don't know. When I met him I thought I'd finally met someone else as obsessed with their art form as I am with mine, and he dwarfed my obsession in no time.

 

I'm sorry I'm being a drag. I just miss him so much and would give anything to hear his voice again.

[Trialbyfire]

You're allowing a bass player obsessed with hillbilly music, to erode on your self-esteem and self-worth? Come on sedgwick. Get serious. He's OCD to the nth degree. Even if it had worked out, what kind of future would there be with someone like this? If anything, I think he's headed for a permanent retirement from life, considering his lifestyle.

 

It's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. The guy's a loser and you're not.

[brothermartin]

Hey SEDGWICK, if it would help, I could send you some flowers or a card.

Or, you could see that this guy, no matter how much you love him, is out and over. Its not about whether you were good enough, pretty enough, or talented enough for him. This guy was an idiot for throwing away someone that loved him as much as you do. Everyone on LS that knows your story can see that.

Why cant you?

[cant let go]

how old is this guy?

[love2byourz]

Certain lovers will ALWAYS be there as part of you. I feel this with you, and I am drawn to the way you write. Not jsut saying that as you are a writer, but it is naturally charismatic. Anyway, perhaps you will fall in love with another writer and be able to share things with that, but I heard a quote something like"...never fall in love with a musician." As in they will BREAK YOUR HEARTS! I'm having problems with an ex, another different story, but it is true, to find somehow to be accepted and loved without changing who you are in a way that ISNT you. My girlfriend says to me all the time after I ask her: How do you want me to be? I want to impress you. She only says: I want you to be you. I don't want you to be me, or someone your not. And everytime I ask her wat she wants she tells em she wants me to be happy. God I'm about to cry. God I coudlnt ever let her go.

[Ocean-Blue]

He's not a banjo player, he's a bass player. But yes, he is totally Rainman. In fact, that's what a lot of my friends called him...quite a few people asked me if I thought maybe he had Asperger's. He'd come home from old-time festivals and realize he hadn't eaten, showered, or slept in three days...like it was news to him. In the time I knew him, he went from 6'2", 135 lbs, to 6'2", 125 lbs.

 

He NEVER sleeps. He lives on cigarettes and coffee (no, he's not doing drugs; he smokes pot, but anything more serious than that would take time or money away from music.) He doesn't take care of himself at all. The first time he tried to dump me for not being a musician (this happened about two months before he actually did it), I said, "Are you sure you're not breaking up with me because you really want to break up with the band?" He said, "I never thought of it like that," and told me that was in fact what was going on. But then two months later it was back to me not being a musician.

 

What I guess I wonder the most is if that kind of sleep deprivation and severe nutritional deficiency (i.e., cigarettes and coffee rather than food) can make you crazy. If it could have had ANYTHING to do with us breaking up.

 

I don't know. When I met him I thought I'd finally met someone else as obsessed with their art form as I am with mine, and he dwarfed my obsession in no time.

 

I'm sorry I'm being a drag. I just miss him so much and would give anything to hear his voice again.

 

How long has it been since you two broke up? I ask b/c perhaps you NEED to wallow for a while...to really get it all out of your system.

[sedgwick]

He is 32. We broke up July 16.

 

Brothermartin, thank you.

[brothermartin]

He is 32. We broke up July 16.

 

Brothermartin, thank you.

 

Im sorry if that stung, but I thought you needed to hear it.

 

You know I did it 'cause I love ya, right? LOL!!

 

Take care Sedg.

[Ocean-Blue]

He is 32. We broke up July 16.

 

Brothermartin, thank you.

 

So it's still fairly fresh. I guess all you can do is let yourself go through the "mehs" and "bahs" till you are ready to see the light.

 

The light being that he was a loser and you are a winner. Simple but true.