Lyssa Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else." I wonder how he'd feel if you told him the exact same thing.
Lyssa Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I am currently with a MM who kind of had your H's problem. He didn't tell me at first, but I would soon find out. It did not start out as a PA (passionate affair) and I think he never intended it to be. I think ONE of the reasons he didn't start out that way may have been that he had a little case of ED. Once we did get real close and totally emotionally in love, I think he wanted to find out if his problem only involved his W. IOW (in other words), I think he thought that his wife may have been the reason he was ED. He never actually said that to me, not in that way, but he inferred that it always happened with her (since the ED began), and rarely with me. He said that he once fell out of love with her and told her that. So, maybe in his mind he thought the ED was connected to the idea he was no longer in love with her, I don't know for sure. After it happened a few times with us (the ED), he knew it was his problem and that his wife wasn't to blame. Again, he never said this, but I began to figure things out. But it was too late--we already fell in love and I was so deeply invested emotionally and he was too. And I was very patient with him. I suggested viagra, but never pushed it. But his wife did! And they went to the doc and got him viagra and now they are back at it. He didn't tell me at first, but boy, did I notice a difference! He was 30 all over again with the ability to..well..do it again. I was quite happy with the medical enhancement, but not happy with the fact that they had resumed their physical relationship. It took him a while to tell me and when he did, I plummeted. I had believed that she was not interested in sex because he told me she lost all interest since menopause. But, I'm not so sure now. She may have wanted it a lot less often than he, but I can't believe she totally cut him off. I kind of wonder now if she was actually frustrated at his ED therefore was not interested in sex at the time. Who knows. But they have worked it out and I am bowing out. I really hate to think he began an affair just to find out if someone new could make it work better, but the thought lingers in the back of my mind. I know he fell in love, but the thought is still there. You should let your husband read this post before he makes the same mistake. Before he experiments with an other woman and breaks 3 hearts. I'm sorry for what you went through. I just feel that he should have talked to you about it... seeing that you were both emotionally attached. I'm glad you posted this and hopefully, OP will get her H to read this and learn something from it.
RecordProducer Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Why is it ridiculous? Because no matter how seductive I try to be or willingingly initiate sex, he cannot achieve erection. Even the 2-3 times per week that we do have sex. He has tried Viagra but is afraid of possible side effects. It did help but, he does not use it anymore. He says I turn him on but when it gets right down to it, things just don't work. I have been very patient with him and he has told me he appreciates my patience. I don't know if you are male or female, or if it even matters, but when you are all hot and heavy and ready to go, and things do not work, it kind of spoils the mood. It is possible that we have slacked off because I am unwilling to face the disappointment of another failed attempt. I also fear that he is getting it somewhere else (as he threatened) and that is why things do not work when he is with me. This has been going on for two years now. I have been VERY patient and supportive. Now I am just paranoid of him possibly cheating. Oh, I never saw this before! How do you have sex when he can't have an erection? You eal with whatever partial erection he has? Not fun. Men who can't perform tend to blame their partners for their failure, even when they are perfectly aware that they have a problem. YOU should be the one seeking it elsewhere, my dear!
marlena Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 YOU should be the one seeking it elsewhere, my dear! Exactly! The nerve on some of these men! Sheesh!
Ladyjane14 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I am currently with a MM who kind of had your H's problem. He didn't tell me at first, but I would soon find out. It did not start out as a PA (passionate affair) and I think he never intended it to be. I think ONE of the reasons he didn't start out that way may have been that he had a little case of ED. Once we did get real close and totally emotionally in love, I think he wanted to find out if his problem only involved his W. IOW (in other words), I think he thought that his wife may have been the reason he was ED. He never actually said that to me, not in that way, but he inferred that it always happened with her (since the ED began), and rarely with me. He said that he once fell out of love with her and told her that. So, maybe in his mind he thought the ED was connected to the idea he was no longer in love with her, I don't know for sure. Here's a link to an article that Triarge posted the other day if you haven't seen it: http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect I think the following excerpt from the article gives a fairly good account of why a new lover would have better luck arousing an ED guy, at least initially: Before marriage it is usual for men to initiate intercourse at a fairly high frequency with their fiancée. After a few years of marriage, however, the husband's sexual appetite begins to wane and an apparent reversal of libido may even occur, with the now frustrated wife demanding more lovemaking than her 'tired' husband is able to supply. He, of course, is still perfectly capable of being aroused by his mistresses and office girls and, if fortunate enough to secure an invitation to an orgy, would have little difficulty completing intercourse with two or three anonymous young women in the course the evening's festivities. Sex therapists see many men who are reported as 'impotent' by their wives, but who privately confess to considerable prowess with a succession of mistresses. p.s. The good news for the OP is.... maybe he's not out cheating. Maybe he's trying to get that "new mistress buzz" from you. It's irrational on his part, but look at it this way... if he was already out getting 'some strange', why would he be hassling you?
White Flower Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Here's a link to an article that Triarge posted the other day if you haven't seen it: http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect Thanks for the article, LJ. Interesting reading.
White Flower Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Exactly! The nerve on some of these men! Sheesh! Someone said YOU should be the one at there looking. This actually brings up a whole new subject. When MM told me that his W refused him for over a year due to her lack of interest after menopause, I really began to feel for people whose partner is no longer able to have or sex or have lost drive or interest. I am sure that even religious types can understand the need for sexual intimacy for the spouse whose drive remains fully in tact. So I wonder, could I allow my H to see a prostitute, or have a lover if I was no longer able or willing to participate in regular sexual activity? After all, why should he suffer just because my body doesn't work that way anymore? It is a quandry. I would want him to love me and live with me. But I wouldn't want him to lay there night after night trying to squelch his hunger for sex. There surely are millions of sufferers out there silently dealing with it on their own. I would hope that a couple would post here what their solutions are. I know this will offend some, but I think it is worth discussing. I know of a couple who have an open marriage. What they do is invite a woman into their bed. The women kiss and caress and the OW has intercourse with the H while the wife uses a well lubed vibrator. Sorry if this is too graphic for some. The wife claims that intercourse is just too painful since menopause and is happy to accomodate her husband's need for intercourse by allowing the OW into their bed. He loves his wife and understands she cannot accomodate him sexually. This worked for them. I'm sure most deal with this problem by picking up a lover on the side. But that seems to hurt so many.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else." And you're suprised by this because....why? He's already SHOWN you what he's made of. You already KNEW he was a snake when you picked him up. Why would you be suprised that he's not honorable? You already KNEW that. When the going got tough in his last marriage, instead of doing the right thing, had an affair. THAT was his answer to adversity. Got out and find some side fun. So now, the poor deprived guy is once again facing 'adversity' because he can't get laid as much as he'd like. And since it's ALWAYS been all about him, of course he'll do whatever it takes to satisfy HIMSELF. Again, why should you be surprised? When you married this guy, all you did was create a vacancy for the OW position. He's obviously interviewing. Are any of you out there former cheaters who ended up together? I'd NEVER be with a man who lied to his wife and cheated on her to be with ME. I'm sure there are men in jail who have more integrity. But good luck with that.
marlena Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Am I daft or what? I don't get it! This couple haver sex two to three times a week after being married for years even though the husband has ED. Still he's not satisfied with the 2 to 3 times and threatens to get it from somewhere else. Are we talking about a person with ED or a stud? What is this? P.S. I need a smiley or a picture of Picasso scratching his head like Tony's avatar!
White Flower Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I'm sorry for what you went through. I just feel that he should have talked to you about it... seeing that you were both emotionally attached. I'm glad you posted this and hopefully, OP will get her H to read this and learn something from it. Thanks, Lyssa. Like I said, a lot of this I figured out on my own. I'm not sure he'd want to risk sharing all the details with me since men need to be so in control, brave, and capable. It is a very sensitive issue for men and it's hard to blame them due to societal pressure and their own mental circuitry. It would have been nice if he could have said, "Would you be willing to participate as a guinnea pig to see if I am still capable of bringing a woman to orgasm with my manhood?" Lol, I don't think so. Besides, I don't really know if that was his intention; I am just speculating. If it is all true, too bad we had to go and fall in love. Or maybe it's better that way so one or both of us don't feel used. I read LadyJane's article that she posted above about men being capable of the above mentioned activity with OW when they are not capable of being sexually adequate with their Ws. Very interesting. As always LJ, you are there with the info.:)Thanks a bunch.
White Flower Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Am I daft or what? I don't get it! This couple haver sex two to three times a week after being married for years even though the husband has ED. Still he's not satisfied with the 2 to 3 times and threatens to get it from somewhere else. Are we talking about a person with ED or a stud? What is this? P.S. I need a smiley or a picture of Picasso scratching his head like Tony's avatar! I was confused by that, too. Even though my MM had the problem, he still needed sex. He could still orgasm even though it wasn't as firm as he was used to. I think his W was repelled by it, so he gave up with her. I found ways for both of us to enjoy it probably because we were new to each other and wanted so much to please. She knew what she had had and based everything on that. I think he just didn't want to disappoint her anymore. She may not even have intended for him to feel that way, but he did. I think the original post has the best of intentions and is willing to do anything to prevent her H from straying.
marlena Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I think the original post has the best of intentions and is willing to do anything to prevent her H from straying. Yes, that's the impression I got as well. It's not like she's holding out on him - ED and all - and STILL he threatens to take his (damaged) goods elsewhere! Still don't get it! I hope I'm wrong but I distinctly get the impression that he is laying a guilt trip on her simply to justify something he's doing or contemplating !
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