Former OW marries MM

[PJC]

My husband and I met while each of us were still married to our respective spouses.

 

His marriage was in a poor state. He has committed his wife 4/5 times for prescription drug abuse and he said after the last time, "She just was not the same again." His marriage lasted 21 years.

 

My marriage began at the age of 16. Yes, I know, it sounds like I am some sort of stereotype. I was pregnant. We were married for 13 years and had two incredible children together. The marriage disolved as I "grew up" and he did not. (Whole other story.)

 

My current husband and I started out as friends for over a year. We started to discuss our relationship problems and got closer. We eventually started an affair. Our affair lasted two years. He repeatedly told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I felt the same about him. We both filed for divorce from our current spouses and after our divorce(s) were final, we moved in together.

 

We lived together for seven years and then got married. Neither one of us were ready to take the "plunge" real soon and, we were content just living together. We have now been married for 5 years.

 

The problem? Our sex life has slacked off from the "good old days." He would prefer sex every day but realizes that is sort of a ridiculous expectation. We usually have sex 2-3 times a week. He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else."

 

He told me, as he was walking out the door this morning, that he would be late getting home because he was having a drink with a friend after work. He is a planner and this was totally spur of the moment. He always tells me everything too, and this just suddenly came up. We have not had sex since Monday and he always gets weird if three days have passed.

 

Are any of you out there former cheaters who ended up together? Do you have any fear of "once a cheater, always a cheater?" I have NEVER cheated on him and do not even feel compelled to do so. Maybe I am just paranoid?

[Cobra_X30]

The problem? Our sex life has slacked off from the "good old days." He would prefer sex every day but realizes that is sort of a ridiculous expectation. We usually have sex 2-3 times a week. He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else."

 

Why is this ridiculous? Is there some kind of physical handicap to deal with?

 

Your husband just told you that he is unhappy physically... and he is trying to tell you how desperately he wants that fixed. So my question is why can't you meet his needs?

[PJC]

Why is it ridiculous? Because no matter how seductive I try to be or willingingly initiate sex, he cannot achieve erection. Even the 2-3 times per week that we do have sex. He has tried Viagra but is afraid of possible side effects. It did help but, he does not use it anymore. He says I turn him on but when it gets right down to it, things just don't work. I have been very patient with him and he has told me he appreciates my patience. I don't know if you are male or female, or if it even matters, but when you are all hot and heavy and ready to go, and things do not work, it kind of spoils the mood. It is possible that we have slacked off because I am unwilling to face the disappointment of another failed attempt. I also fear that he is getting it somewhere else (as he threatened) and that is why things do not work when he is with me. This has been going on for two years now. I have been VERY patient and supportive. Now I am just paranoid of him possibly cheating.

[bish]

The problem? Our sex life has slacked off from the "good old days." He would prefer sex every day but realizes that is sort of a ridiculous expectation. We usually have sex 2-3 times a week. He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else."

 

Kinda makes you wonder about his stories about his ex-wife. Sounds like he just can't stay excited about the same woman for long.

 

He told me, as he was walking out the door this morning, that he would be late getting home because he was having a drink with a friend after work. He is a planner and this was totally spur of the moment. He always tells me everything too, and this just suddenly came up. We have not had sex since Monday and he always gets weird if three days have passed.

 

And he just didn't feel compelled to give you this "friend's" name.

 

If I was meeting a friend after work...I'd tell my SO.."hey, I'm gonna meet Brad uptown for a quick drink, then I'll be home"

 

Whats he trying to hide?

 

 

Are any of you out there former cheaters who ended up together? Do you have any fear of "once a cheater, always a cheater?" I have NEVER cheated on him and do not even feel compelled to do so. Maybe I am just paranoid?

 

I don't think you are paranoid. I think he will cheat. Even if he isn't going to cheat having this drink with a "friend"...he told you that he thought about getting sex elsewhere.

 

And as far as fearing "once a cheater, always a cheater"...thats my motto...but since you cheated in the past, are you surprised?

 

This is why I would never get involved with someone married...that and because it isn't right in my book.

[PJC]

Regarding his ex-wife, yes, the stories are true. His family have confirmed them and we have discussed it in the past. He also did give me his friends name. I found it odd because he rarely, if ever, goes anywhere socially with this particular person.

 

Cheating was not necessarily "right" in my book either. It just happened. I am not trying to justify anything, that's just how it is. I am sure you are a faithful partner who has never even dreamed of cheating and I commend you for that.

[Meaplus3]

Why is this ridiculous? Is there some kind of physical handicap to deal with?

 

Your husband just told you that he is unhappy physically... and he is trying to tell you how desperately he wants that fixed. So my question is why can't you meet his needs?

 

Well said Cobra I so agree!

[Cobra_X30]

Why is it ridiculous? Because no matter how seductive I try to be or willingingly initiate sex, he cannot achieve erection. Even the 2-3 times per week that we do have sex. He has tried Viagra but is afraid of possible side effects. It did help but, he does not use it anymore. He says I turn him on but when it gets right down to it, things just don't work. I have been very patient with him and he has told me he appreciates my patience. I don't know if you are male or female, or if it even matters, but when you are all hot and heavy and ready to go, and things do not work, it kind of spoils the mood. It is possible that we have slacked off because I am unwilling to face the disappointment of another failed attempt. I also fear that he is getting it somewhere else (as he threatened) and that is why things do not work when he is with me. This has been going on for two years now. I have been VERY patient and supportive. Now I am just paranoid of him possibly cheating.

 

Oh, that makes more sense on your end! But why on earth would he threaten to go elsewhere if this is his problem?

 

I think the only way your going to solve this one, is by sitting him down and telling him that you WANT him every day! But you are satisfied currently and there is no pressure. Also tell him that you want to help him fix his ED. Medical first... check blood pressure... ect. Then check him for porn... go through all the steps

 

I think the last resort in this case is to assume an affair, unless your getting wierd vibes!

 

 

Well said Cobra I so agree!

 

Thank you! I tend to be very pro-sex.

[NoIDidn't]

PJC

 

I understand how you feel about the "another failed attempt" disappointment. What's really bad about it is it sets you both up for performance anxiety. I don't know if this is true for men or not, but I am of the opinion that I wouldn't have to worry about a H with ED cheating on me as he probably would be too afraid to share that issue with another .

 

I don't know why you titled your thread "Former OW Marries MM" because I don't think that has anything to do with the issue. Unless, its something that weighs on your mind enough.

 

Are the two of you open to sex therapy/couples therapy? He probably really needs to talk about his fears of disappointing you - and so he is trying to push you away with empty threats.

[PJC]

We have discussed him going to the doctor. He refuses. He says the problem will pass. Two years and the threat? It just does not add up to me. Maybe it is porn. Maybe it is somebody else. Maybe he is just afraid of going to the doctor.

 

Thank you for the constructive advice.

[Cobra_X30]

We have discussed him going to the doctor. He refuses. He says the problem will pass. Two years and the threat? It just does not add up to me. Maybe it is porn. Maybe it is somebody else. Maybe he is just afraid of going to the doctor.

 

Thank you for the constructive advice.

 

Well, its affecting you too! So maybe its time you start making the threats... though more to the effect of, I'm calling a lawyer!

 

Maybe he will get off his dumb rump and see a physician!

[PJC]

Hello NoIDidn't, He refuses therapy too. I am all for it. He said it is a waste of money and time.

[NoIDidn't]

We have discussed him going to the doctor. He refuses. He says the problem will pass. Two years and the threat? It just does not add up to me. Maybe it is porn. Maybe it is somebody else. Maybe he is just afraid of going to the doctor.

 

Thank you for the constructive advice.

 

I think that he is just afraid of going to the doctor and telling him/her that his tool isn't working right. Men have a thing about that.

 

Is he diabetic/high blood pressure/heart condition/taking anti-depressents?

 

But I definitely think there is more to the issue than just the possibility of the someone else. Maybe porn. Maybe some other type of addiction.

 

If he won't see a *regular* doctor, would he consider a Naturalpath or herbalist? Taking zinc and omega-3's could give him more pep, but may not fix the problem. Thing is, if its already been two years, he is risking permanent damage. Maybe that will at least scare him into a doctor's office.

[PJC]

And I also agree a bit with "bentnotbroken" about reaping what I have sown...It does weigh heavily on my mind. I guess if this is an affair, payback is a b*tch. If it's just medical, I need to get some help before it's too late.

[NoIDidn't]

Hello NoIDidn't, He refuses therapy too. I am all for it. He said it is a waste of money and time.

 

Is he averse to talking to a therapist over the telephone? There are many credible and reputable therapist that do phone sessions. It still costs dough, though.

[Lizzie60]

I end up with my MM.. We had an affair for 11 years then he moved with me.. and we lived together for 18 years (29 yrs total) but I was the one who left him... I don't think he ever cheated but we can never be 100% sure.

 

The feeling I get from your post is that there is something going on... you should tell him, next time, 'oh nice, may I join you and your friend' see what he says...

 

I suspect he might be seeing someone else... you can always follow him.. ask him where's the bar he's going to...

[nadiaj2727]

He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else."

This is a horribly disrespectful and inappropriate thing for a man to say to his wife! It sounds like the typical "Script" of man cheating (or wanting to cheat), and so he is blaming everything on the wife instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. It is one thing to tell you he needs more sex, quite ANOTHER to threaten to get it elsewhere. I don't know how other people who have responded to your post can justify his saying this -- it is just rude and cruel. Don't let anyone talk to you like that, especially not someone who has taken vows to forsake all others to be with you, for better or worse.

[Ladyjane14]

He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else."

This is a horribly disrespectful and inappropriate thing for a man to say to his wife!

 

It also sounds like a guy who's blaming his partner for his ED. NID is right... there are lots of medical issues which can affect a man's sexual health. He needs to see his doctor and rule out what could potentially amount to life-threatening issues. You know, the state of a man's wienie is fairly indicative of his general health. They don't just stop working for no reason. And while there are emotional issues which can be causal, your safest course is to start with ruling out medical problems.

 

As far as his demands for sex EVERY day of the week.... :p:p:p

Dude, he can't even get it up. Maybe you might feel more obliged to meet his demands if he was actually willing to look into getting some treatment on that.

 

Me?... I'd tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. And if he's gonna go out and PROVE his manhood by getting him some 'strange', he'd best not come back.

 

You're not chopped liver you know. And you've offered him every opportunity to get the problem addressed. It's one thing to offer some assistance to a guy who's already doing what he can to resolve the issues. It's something wholly different when he can't be bothered to meet you halfway.

 

As far as your concerns about entering the marriage via the cheating route... Put the past where it belongs... in the past. One of the reasons that post-affair relationships often fail, IMO, is that the former OW feels compelled to overcompensate after having experienced the rivalry dynamic. IOW, in order to feel like you're never a disappointment, you can NEVER behave in a way his former wife would have or make demands like she did.

 

But life doesn't work that way. In real life, some needs must be met. And right now, it looks like your need to be an equal voice in your own sex life is an imperative.

 

My advice to you... is to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, just like any other wife would. It's unfair for him to blame you for a sexual dysfunction that he's not taking seriously himself. He needs to meet you halfway.

[Ladyjane14]

If you ever do manage to get him in to the doctor's office, be sure to get him a depression screening.

 

At the midlife, an increase in sexual interest can indicate a subconscious search for dopamine, which is released at orgasm. This is often indicative of an imbalance in serotonin, which is a more stable "feel good" neurotransmitter.

 

An antidepressant medication can 'put the fire out' on his search for the "dopamine band-aid". Unfortunately, most SSRI's on the market also are causing some sexual side-effects. This would, of course, add to his erectile dysfunction. But... he can work with his doctor, and if medication is found to be necessary, find out what works best for him. There are some, like Wellbutrin, which are dopamine re-uptake inhibitors rather than serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, and alot of people seem to be getting good results from their use.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why is it ridiculous? Because no matter how seductive I try to be or willingingly initiate sex, he cannot achieve erection. Even the 2-3 times per week that we do have sex.

Makes no sense at all. The 3X a week you have sex, he doesn't achieve erection, but he's talking about taking it to the streets unless you give it to him every day ??? Explain, please...

 

Mr. Lucky

[White Flower]

Dear PJC,

Welcome to LS. My answers are in bold.

My husband and I met while each of us were still married to our respective spouses.

I don't think that matters.

His marriage was in a poor state. He has committed his wife 4/5 times for prescription drug abuse and he said after the last time, "She just was not the same again." His marriage lasted 21 years.

So she wasn't the right woman for him.

My marriage began at the age of 16. Yes, I know, it sounds like I am some sort of stereotype. I was pregnant. We were married for 13 years and had two incredible children together. The marriage disolved as I "grew up" and he did not. (Whole other story.)

 

My current husband and I started out as friends for over a year. We started to discuss our relationship problems and got closer. We eventually started an affair. Our affair lasted two years. He repeatedly told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I felt the same about him. We both filed for divorce from our current spouses and after our divorce(s) were final, we moved in together.

 

We lived together for seven years and then got married. Neither one of us were ready to take the "plunge" real soon and, we were content just living together. We have now been married for 5 years.

 

The problem? Our sex life has slacked off from the "good old days." He would prefer sex every day but realizes that is sort of a ridiculous expectation. We usually have sex 2-3 times a week. He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else."

This happens a whole lot more than you think. Problem is, noone talks about it. Thank goodness you came here. LadyJane14 will give you lots of information. Others will give you lots of religious mud-slinging. I'll try to offer my life experience.

 

He told me, as he was walking out the door this morning, that he would be late getting home because he was having a drink with a friend after work. He is a planner and this was totally spur of the moment. He always tells me everything too, and this just suddenly came up. We have not had sex since Monday and he always gets weird if three days have passed.

 

Are any of you out there former cheaters who ended up together? Do you have any fear of "once a cheater, always a cheater?" I have NEVER cheated on him and do not even feel compelled to do so. Maybe I am just paranoid?

I don't really think cheating is your problem. But since you posed the question that way, you'll get lots of black and white opinionated flamers here on your thread. Just ignore them;) because you are looking for real help.

 

I am currently with a MM who kind of had your H's problem. He didn't tell me at first, but I would soon find out. It did not start out as a PA (passionate affair) and I think he never intended it to be. I think ONE of the reasons he didn't start out that way may have been that he had a little case of ED.

 

Once we did get real close and totally emotionally in love, I think he wanted to find out if his problem only involved his W. IOW (in other words), I think he thought that his wife may have been the reason he was ED. He never actually said that to me, not in that way, but he inferred that it always happened with her (since the ED began), and rarely with me. He said that he once fell out of love with her and told her that. So, maybe in his mind he thought the ED was connected to the idea he was no longer in love with her, I don't know for sure.

 

After it happened a few times with us (the ED), he knew it was his problem and that his wife wasn't to blame. Again, he never said this, but I began to figure things out. But it was too late--we already fell in love and I was so deeply invested emotionally and he was too. And I was very patient with him. I suggested viagra, but never pushed it.

 

But his wife did! And they went to the doc and got him viagra and now they are back at it. He didn't tell me at first, but boy, did I notice a difference! He was 30 all over again with the ability to..well..do it again. I was quite happy with the medical enhancement, but not happy with the fact that they had resumed their physical relationship. It took him a while to tell me and when he did, I plummeted.

 

I had believed that she was not interested in sex because he told me she lost all interest since menopause. But, I'm not so sure now. She may have wanted it a lot less often than he, but I can't believe she totally cut him off. I kind of wonder now if she was actually frustrated at his ED therefore was not interested in sex at the time. Who knows. But they have worked it out and I am bowing out.

 

I really hate to think he began an affair just to find out if someone new could make it work better, but the thought lingers in the back of my mind. I know he fell in love, but the thought is still there.

 

You should let your husband read this post before he makes the same mistake. Before he experiments with an other woman and breaks 3 hearts.

[RecordProducer]

We usually have sex 2-3 times a week. He recently told me that I was not fulfilling his needs and that it "made him think about getting it somewhere else."

I would be worried about his statement that he would get it elsewhere, not so much about the once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater myth after 12 years of fidelity. Two-three times a weak is a dream of many married couples, young and not so young. What the heck does he want?

 

Let him have it elsewhere, but let him know that it won't be while he is with you. I would understand his threat if you had sex 2-3 times a month, but you have regular sex and he is complaining. If sex on a daily basis is all he cares about after so many years spent together, then let him have it. He is a scumbag. It's possible that he has met someone already and the sex is just an excuse. I feel for you.

[marlena]

My advice to you... is to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, just like any other wife would. It's unfair for him to blame you for a sexual dysfunction that he's not taking seriously himself. He needs to meet you halfway.

 

This is one of the reasons my last relationship went down the drain. He blamed me for his ED! He would say things like you closed the shutters, wore a T-shirt, didn't talk dirty enough, didn't have the light on etc....It was always my fault he couldn't penetrate me. He was fine with BJs and HJs though. He was afraid to be alone with me for fear that I would initiate sex. So no cuddling and kissing and sleeping together either. I craved intimacy and all I got was a cod, and very screwed up middle- aged man!!! I won't even go into the other stuff he did.

 

After eight months of this plus his making up stories that had nothing to do with reality I said ,|"Enough". He has tried to get back with me a number of times in the last five months just the night before in fact - but I won't have it. I still stupidly have feelings for him but I KNOW going back would cause me more misery and heartache that I can't handle.

 

He was on preesure pills and had an anxiety disorder that he was talking pills for!!! And like other posters said in here, he refused to talk about it let alone try to get it fixed. He wouldn't meet me half way which I construed as indifference and selfishness on his part! Knowing

[marlena]

My advice to you... is to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, just like any other wife would. It's unfair for him to blame you for a sexual dysfunction that he's not taking seriously himself. He needs to meet you halfway.

 

This is one of the reasons my last relationship went down the drain. He blamed me for his ED! He would say things like you closed the shutters, wore a T-shirt, didn't talk dirty enough, didn't have the light on etc....It was always my fault he couldn't penetrate me. He was fine with BJs and HJs though. He was afraid to be alone with me for fear that I would initiate sex. So no cuddling and kissing and sleeping together either. I craved intimacy and all I got was a cod, and very screwed up middle- aged man!!! I won't even go into the other stuff he did.

 

After eight months of this plus his making up stories that had nothing to do with reality I said ,|"Enough". He has tried to get back with me a number of times in the last five months just the night before in fact - but I won't have it. I still stupidly have feelings for him but I KNOW going back would cause me more misery and heartache that I can't handle.

 

He was on preesure pills and had an anxiety disorder that he was talking pills for!!! And like other posters said in here, he refused to talk about it let alone try to get it fixed. He wouldn't meet me half way which I construed as indifference and selfishness on his part! Knowing this, I concluded that he couldn't really have feelings for me! Even if he did, I couldn't help someone who did not want to help himself.

 

I agree with posters in here saying that it was cruel and disrespectful of him to threaten to "get" it elsewhere! What a joke! He wishes he could. Or as Lizzie pointed out he could be considering an affair and is typically turning the tables on you making it seem it is your fault.

 

Or he has medical problems that he should have checked out!

 

Either way, it's terrible for you! It's not fair when one partner doesn't care enough about the other to resolve an issue that is causing a rift in their relationship.

 

I wpuld have this out with him, plain and simple. See what he says and how he reacts. Of he loves you and wants this marriage to work, he will be cooperative and understanding. As you should be too.

[marlena]

Sorry about the double post and link! Don't know how that happened!

[marlena]

Makes no sense at all. The 3X a week you have sex, he doesn't achieve erection, but he's talking about taking it to the streets unless you give it to him every day ??? Explain, please...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, what's with this? No sense at all!