Whilst searching for the why? I found this...

[Triarge]

I expect it might have been covered before in various other articles (I know LJ has posted a few regarding similar stuff) but I found this one and it explains wonders as to my own behaviour and no doubt alot of others here

 

It explains the 'Coolidge Effect' and the body's continued cravings for Dopamine. This part made me laugh out lound. Poor rat!

 

When you drop a male rat into a cage with a receptive female rat, you see an initial frenzy of copulation. Then, progressively, the male tires of that particular female. Even without an apparent change in her receptivity he reaches a point where he has little libido-and simply ignores her. However, if you replace the original female with a fresh one, the male immediately revives and begins copulating again. You can repeat this process with fresh females until the rat nearly dies of exhaustion.

 

Full article here..

 

http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect

[cj1988]

That is funny, but to tell you the truth women have the same cravingm, just not as bad. I know I did for a long time, but never acted on it, now I am over 40 and crave just my H all the time.....poor RAT

[Ladyjane14]

Very cool article.

I loved the inset "I'm with Stupid" pic too. Bonus. :lmao:

[White Flower]

Originally posted by LadyJane14>

I loved the inset "I'm with Stupid" pic too. :)

 

Yeah, that was cute.

 

I wonder if the dopamine effect is the same for women? I have never felt so sexual in my life. When I hear MM's engines pull up and park on the street, I feel liquid electricity sparking certain parts. I get crazy just thinking about it. LJ and Triarge, have you seen articles on women's sexuality with regard to affairs?

[reboot]

I wonder if the dopamine effect is the same for women?

Yes, it most definitely is.

[Ladyjane14]

..have you seen articles on women's sexuality with regard to affairs?

 

Here's one, but it's not dealing with female sexuality and affairs, but rather the "reward" center. It reads like it's in Latin too... but still, I think it makes some interesting points.

 

Exerpt:

In order to determine the gender-related differences of reward system activation, the same experiment was carried out on a male group. Result: when men anticipate rewards, they mainly activate a region involved in motivation for obtaining rewards, the ventral striatum, whereas in women, it is a region dealing with emotions, the amygdalo-hippocampal region, which is the most highly activated.

 

These conclusions could be applied to rewards other than monetary. Take receptiveness and desire, for example, two qualities that are supposed to facilitate procreation and are seen during the period of ovulation. It could be envisaged that the increase in activity of certain regions of the female brain during the follicular phase would modulate behavior linked to obtaining rewards, such as approach behavior during reward anticipation and hedonistic behavior when the reward is received.

[White Flower]

Here's one, but it's not dealing with female sexuality and affairs, but rather the "reward" center. It reads like it's in Latin too... but still, I think it makes some interesting points.

 

Exerpt:

As always, LJ, you are there with the info. Have you considered writing a book on love/affairs? You would be so good at it.

 

And do you have any threads on your story and what brought you here to LS?

[Ladyjane14]

And do you have any threads on your story and what brought you here to LS?

 

I had already chosen my course by the time I came to LS. Mostly I was reading and posting in an effort to keep myself focused on it. Later on, well... you know how habit-forming LS can be.

 

I do remember that I shared a good bit of it on a thread to Fyrwyfe in the Separation/Divorce forum. She was having trouble rediscovering love for her husband, so it might be a good thread for you to read anyway if you're still thinking about staying in the marriage.

 

I'll see if I can find it for you...

[Ladyjane14]

Here it is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t58996/

[Meaplus3]

I expect it might have been covered before in various other articles (I know LJ has posted a few regarding similar stuff) but I found this one and it explains wonders as to my own behaviour and no doubt alot of others here

 

It explains the 'Coolidge Effect' and the body's continued cravings for Dopamine. This part made me laugh out lound. Poor rat!

 

 

 

Full article here..

 

http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect

 

Hmmmm..Interesting!

 

AP:)

[reboot]

LJ,

 

If you would consider having a "summer camp" for wives, I'll enroll mine as your first student.

[Ladyjane14]

LJ,

 

If you would consider having a "summer camp" for wives, I'll enroll mine as your first student.

 

:laugh: I don't think there's all that much magic to it, Reboot. It occurs to me that it's mostly just a matter of making it through the midlife with your ass intact.

[Triarge]

Wow.. that was so thought provoking

 

So much in there made sense to me. Its like a light lit up. I can see how my 'expectations' in my marriage have, shall we say, been a tad unrealistic.

 

This notion of love and how its 'supposed' to be, is like you say, rammed down our throat in songs and film. Its centered around the early romance stage where two lost lonely souls find each other and the whole world is made right. I'm guessing that a film based on the love of a happily married couple of 25 yrs wouldnt sell that many films.

 

If you've seen 'Bridges Over Maddison County' then you'll know what I mean. Whats the tragedy there? Did it land with the 'ordinary' devoted husband who was away with 'her' children on a holiday while they got their fix. Nope. It was her Martydom (sp) of staying 'for the family' and being seperated from the 'one true love' thats supposed to leave us sad and sorry.

 

Anyway, I've gone off track abit lol.. Back to your post LJ. This bit made me think..

 

People don't expect their children to MAKE them happy. But they seem to expect their SO to do it.

 

Thats so true! I have 2 children and I dont think I have any expectations of them and yet I love them more than anything on earth. Actually I suppose I do have 'some' expectations. I expect them to be good, but know that they probably wont be lol... and even when they are not (and they are a royal pain in the ar$e sometimes) it doesnt affect my love for them.

 

Do I expect them to make me happy? I dont expect that any more than I expect them to make me angry, or sad or any other emotion they can muster from me.

 

(more..)

[Triarge]

I understand the principle behind 'Needs' and 'Wants' but I'm a little unsure as to how to catogories them for myself.

 

See, I want my wife to do the laundry (I'll do most things but I hate that!) do I need her to do it? I'm not sure. I suppose I do because it takes me 3 times longer and I stress about where stuff goes but I could do it myself.

 

Actually I suppose some things are quite cut and dry. I need her to be honest about money. I need her to be faithfull . I need regular 'sex'. Ahh.. I'm starting to see. But they are 'biggies' arnt they. What about the lesser things? How do we split want from need?

 

I suppose 'lesser' is subjective. I guess they might not actually be lesser.

 

Hmm.. I'll come back with a want/need list and you can rip it to bits

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad you came back, Triarge. And that you're beginning to see how exciting it can be to meet the challenges of the primary relationship. In it's way, it rivals the excitement of the EMR... because you're literally CREATING something new, even though you're working with materials you might have once found old and familiar. It's an opportunity for self-discovery, a way to test your metal.

 

I've got to get off the boards for a bit though. It's Thanksgiving time in the U.S., and while it's great fun to be with family and friends, it's also rather labor intensive for the chef.

 

I'll try to sneak in here in the next day or two and give you some thoughts on "wants, needs, and expectations".

[cj1988]

I agree, that all the expectations of love and marriage are definitely a sore for the long timers here. I use to believe in ever lasting , now I do not. I do not believe in love at first sight either, LOVE IS A CHOICE, not a feeling and you can think you feel IN LOVE with many, that is not true.

 

Love is black and white and what you do with that gift is your choice and only yours. Just because someone cheats does not mean they do not love the spouse. All it means is that they are selfish and walk a dangerous path, THEIR CHOICE, it does not JUST HAPPEN !

[Triarge]

Have a good holiday LJ

 

You talked about having a 'Project' to occupy my time. Think I might have found one. If I can pour my energy into making my marriage work then they wont be much else left for 'you know who'

 

At least if I give this 100%, regardless of the outcome, I'll be able to look back without regrets and say I tried.

 

cj1988:

 

I think your right... and wrong . I do believe love is a choice 'after' those chemically induced 'love' feelings end; and they do as most will agree. Up to that point our bodies are working naturally for us. They are providing the right chemicals to give us the state of mind for us to want to be with someone and extend that relationship further.

 

Everything is on 'autopilot'. Its this that gives us that feeling of love at first sight. The definition might change depending on who you ask; love, lust, infactuation. Regardless it 'is' chemically induced and part of life's biological plan.

 

Its at the end of this phase that our choices begin. They arnt big loud choices, they're subtle ones that either move us deeper into a truer stable love or cause us to grow apart.

 

Just because someone cheats does not mean they do not love the spouse. All it means is that they are selfish and walk a dangerous path, THEIR CHOICE, it does not JUST HAPPEN !

 

I would agree. I think though that most people believe its a big CHOICE. A hugh sign that says 'THIS WAY FOR YOUR AFFAIR'. Its not; its a lot more subtle. Its kinda like lots of little 'bad' choices that at the time the ramifications can be ignore; especially when floating on a cloud of dopamine inducing bliss

 

So your right it doesnt 'just happen' it 'creeps' up on you and draws you in.

[LifesontheUp]

If I can pour my energy into making my marriage work then they wont be much else left for 'you know who'

 

At least if I give this 100%, regardless of the outcome, I'll be able to look back without regrets and say I tried.

 

Nothing less than 100%. Your wife deserves it surely.

 

I would agree. I think though that most people believe its a big CHOICE. A hugh sign that says 'THIS WAY FOR YOUR AFFAIR'. Its not; its a lot more subtle. Its kinda like lots of little 'bad' choices that at the time the ramifications can be ignore; especially when floating on a cloud of dopamine inducing bliss

 

So your right it doesnt 'just happen' it 'creeps' up on you and draws you in.

 

It doesn't matter about the wife/husband/partner because your drive is to get what YOU need. IMHO

 

Anyway, welcome back

[silktricks]

I would agree. I think though that most people believe its a big CHOICE. A hugh sign that says 'THIS WAY FOR YOUR AFFAIR'. Its not; its a lot more subtle. Its kinda like lots of little 'bad' choices that at the time the ramifications can be ignore; especially when floating on a cloud of dopamine inducing bliss

 

So your right it doesnt 'just happen' it 'creeps' up on you and draws you in.

 

This sounds exactly accurate.

[reboot]

I think though that most people believe its a big CHOICE. A hugh sign that says 'THIS WAY FOR YOUR AFFAIR'. Its not; its a lot more subtle. Its kinda like lots of little 'bad' choices that at the time the ramifications can be ignore; especially when floating on a cloud of dopamine inducing bliss

 

So your right it doesnt 'just happen' it 'creeps' up on you and draws you in.

I just wanted to chime in and agree, I think that is a very accurate description. Nice post.

[silktricks]

By the way, reboot. in-a-gadda-da-vida was my favorite. I've always loved drums.

[Ladyjane14]

I understand the principle behind 'Needs' and 'Wants' but I'm a little unsure as to how to catogories them for myself.

 

See, I want my wife to do the laundry (I'll do most things but I hate that!) do I need her to do it? I'm not sure. I suppose I do because it takes me 3 times longer and I stress about where stuff goes but I could do it myself.

 

Actually I suppose some things are quite cut and dry. I need her to be honest about money. I need her to be faithfull . I need regular 'sex'. Ahh.. I'm starting to see. But they are 'biggies' arnt they. What about the lesser things? How do we split want from need?

 

I suppose 'lesser' is subjective. I guess they might not actually be lesser.

 

Hmm.. I'll come back with a want/need list and you can rip it to bits

 

I think one of the best ways to kind of get in the "needs and wants" frame of mind is when you read through books like The Five Love Languages and His Needs / Her Needs. It starts you thinking about each person's "emotional needs" within the marriage as compared to their "wants".

 

I look at "needs" as the deal-breakers, things like fidelity and fiscal responsibility, in addition to ENs (emotional needs) which are things we need consistently in order to FEEL our partner's love. These are actions which feed energy into the relationship.

 

For example, one of my ENs within the marriage is neatly described by Chapman as Words of Affirmation. I need my spouse to tell me that he values me, that I'm the BEST. That's what makes me feel "fed" within the relationship, just as your wife doing the laundry might fit neatly into Chapman's Acts of Service category... so when you find your shirt ironed and hanging in the closet, scented with your favorite fabric softener, you can FEEL your wife's love and affection. The 'need for laundry' can be legitimate in that regard.

 

When we get down to "wants", we start thinking about unreasonable expectations. Sure, there are lots of things we want... but do these things really feed our soul? I want my mate to do laundry, and he does.

But really, that's his choice and how he feels good about contributing to the household chores. And of course, I appreciate it, boy howdy do I ever!! But... it doesn't really feed me any "love energy". I don't really need it.

 

So, you see how even simple things like laundry can be an either/or item depending on individual tastes. As I said in the other thread... my husband needs me to feed him. It's certainly not because he can't make a sandwich; it's because he feels loved and cared for when I bring that sandwich to him.

 

Now, don't get me wrong... we do provide some "wants" to each other. But these are more gravy than meat. Deal breakers are just that. They are absolutes. These are boundaries, which when broken, threaten the marriage in an immediate way. ENs are offered with more consistency, whereby we recognize that love is a verb and must be ACTIVE. But when it comes to ENs, we also recognize that occasionally one of us will 'drop the ball', so our forgiveness for one another is always on stand-by. Nobody's perfect. We all just do the best we can.

 

Wants ends up being the broadest category, where we end up picking our battles and realizing that just because we might want something from our partner, it's not always worth fighting over. "Wants" are gifts we might give unexpectedly and receive in appreciation. Not like ENs, which when left unmet in a consistent way, leave us feeling undervalued. Wants are areas where we're self-fruitful if we're being honest and not lazy about it.

[Triarge]

Thanks LJ.

 

After reading your post I have taken your advice and ordered 'His Needs / her Needs'. My plan is to make sure we both read it

 

I read the first chapter online and I'm looking forward to reading the rest!!