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Posted
Make up sex. Mucho bueno... :love:

 

Funny. He thinks that we'll be having sex most of the time he's here.

 

It is false advertising to NOT correct his assumptions? Should I inform him that there will be LOTS of talking and soul searching?

 

I've gone from being an uber deprived woman (in a certain department) to a raving lunatic who insists on sitting him down (possibly tying the man down) and making him listen to my emotional vomit.

 

He's a lucky man, that one.

Posted
Funny. He thinks that we'll be having sex most of the time he's here.

 

It is false advertising to NOT correct his assumptions? Should I inform him that there will be LOTS of talking and soul searching?

 

I've gone from being an uber deprived woman (in a certain department) to a raving lunatic who insists on sitting him down (possibly tying the man down) and making him listen to my emotional vomit.

 

He's a lucky man, that one.

Never warn a guy you have to have a talk. Better to ambush him, especially when he has other things on his mind. You get the full shock effect and some honest answers. :laugh:

 

Emotional vomit. I like that better than my own personal favourite "disgorging of information".

  • Author
Posted
Never warn a guy you have to have a talk. Better to ambush him, especially when he has other things on his mind. You get the full shock effect and some honest answers. :laugh:

 

Emotional vomit. I like that better than my own personal favourite "disgorging of information".

 

If that is another pic of you (referring to your avatar)...you are mmm mmm hot TBF!

 

And yes, I plan to attack when he least expects it. He gets loose lipped after x amount of beers (I believe he gets cheesy)....so I intend to pump him with some beers and then bust out my powerpoint presentation.

 

Essentially, he thinks he's coming here for a romantic booty call with good food, music and booze... unbeknownst to him, it is REALLY a one-on-one couple retreat (that is all about exploration of the emotional self, verbal gestures of love and spiritual togetherness).

 

And no sex.

 

I talked to him tonight...and he seemed intent on getting me to open up (or let me talk my head off) b/c he knew something was off. We talked about us, him, his exes, my ex, etc...

 

Was a nice chat. Still didn't "confront" him about that which shall not be named... But that's for the couple's retreat.

Posted
If that is another pic of you (referring to your avatar)...you are mmm mmm hot TBF!

 

And yes, I plan to attack when he least expects it. He gets loose lipped after x amount of beers (I believe he gets cheesy)....so I intend to pump him with some beers and then bust out my powerpoint presentation.

 

Essentially, he thinks he's coming here for a romantic booty call with good food, music and booze... unbeknownst to him, it is REALLY a one-on-one couple retreat (that is all about exploration of the emotional self, verbal gestures of love and spiritual togetherness).

 

And no sex.

 

I talked to him tonight...and he seemed intent on getting me to open up (or let me talk my head off) b/c he knew something was off. We talked about us, him, his exes, my ex, etc...

 

Was a nice chat. Still didn't "confront" him about that which shall not be named... But that's for the couple's retreat.

Thanks. It's a few years old but yes, it's me. Speaking of hotties, so are you. I recall that pic thread.

 

Wonderful idea, the powerpoint presentation. Don't forget your laser pointer, for those moments where you want to emphasize issues.

 

As for no sex...mwahahaha...good luck resisting...

 

*waits for O-B to dreamily return to LS, distracted and content*

Posted

So he hasn't said those three words nor has he proposed to you? While he did both with his previous gfs? If this is true, may I ask why you continue seeing him? I ask this as someone who is incredibly irritated and annoyed in her current situation (please don't think I'm judging you...).

 

Why do you say that? Is there something else about your relationship/bf bothering you or is it just this ex business? I wonder if it's a distraction from some larger problem you feel but are afraid of facing.

 

I'm not sure if it's a good idea for you to press your bf when you see him again about all this. Believe me, I know how tempting it is. I've given into that temptation many times and usually end up regretting it. Doing so may temporarily alleviate your doubts, but you'll probably regret it later because it kind of puts a "pall" over your relationship. Be careful of creating problems where there are none and revealing too much insecurity. Ask yourself what it will really accomplish. Nothing he could say would completely put your doubts to rest.

  • Author
Posted
Thanks. It's a few years old but yes, it's me. Speaking of hotties, so are you. I recall that pic thread.

 

Wonderful idea, the powerpoint presentation. Don't forget your laser pointer, for those moments where you want to emphasize issues.

 

As for no sex...mwahahaha...good luck resisting...

 

*waits for O-B to dreamily return to LS, distracted and content*

 

You may be right. I have absolutely no self control or resolve. I am likely to jump his bones when he walks through that door.

 

The entire presentation will also go out the window (being the ridiculously lazy twit that I am, I probably will resort to incoherent slurs spat in a drunken rage). My boyfriend will be confused and attribute it to the alcohol. Meanwhile, I'll go to sleep smug, thinking I've finally gotten it all out.

 

And then we'll get married. By the time we realize it's all wrong, it'll be too late. The noose will have been tied.

 

And thanks for the compliment...I need to post another one sometime soon. So you know that I'm not some bag lady who screams profanities at people that walk by. I shower daily and brush my teeth.

 

I am not crazy. I am not paranoid. I am normal.

 

*scratches herself, twitches briefly and continues staring blankly at the sky*

  • Author
Posted
Why do you say that? Is there something else about your relationship/bf bothering you or is it just this ex business? I wonder if it's a distraction from some larger problem you feel but are afraid of facing.

 

I'm not sure if it's a good idea for you to press your bf when you see him again about all this. Believe me, I know how tempting it is. I've given into that temptation many times and usually end up regretting it. Doing so may temporarily alleviate your doubts, but you'll probably regret it later because it kind of puts a "pall" over your relationship. Be careful of creating problems where there are none and revealing too much insecurity. Ask yourself what it will really accomplish. Nothing he could say would completely put your doubts to rest.

 

Well I personally wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with a man who has not told me he loves me (after a certain period of time). You either love me or you don't. Obviously he doesn't have to profess his love right away...but there comes a point where he either says it or he simply does not feel it. Also, I'm big on commitment - again not from the get go, but somewhere down the line, I need to know that it's "going somewhere". With no talk of a possible future, I'd feel like I were wasting my time and move on.

 

As for whether this is a symptom of a larger problem. Yes, it likely is. I've been pining for my ex for the longest time. Before you gasp, let me state that it is not the traditional sort of "I love him" pining. Things ended quite messily with him and we are no longer friends. I left him to be with my bf and my ex was very hurt. He has since moved on and wants nothing to do with me. I still experience guilt over how it all went down and bawl my eyes out occasionally because I feel as if he's died. My bf is aware of this.

 

I'm not sure that I can keep this to myself (about what he said to her). I'm the "open book" type of partner...I reveal all in an earnest attempt to help the other learn as much about me as possible. Plus, if I don't talk to him about it, it may grow into something uglier. We've sort of danced around the topic...my pride still won't allow me to blurt it out. I feel like this is something I need to express in person.

 

But I get what you're saying shadow. Sometimes, some things are just overkill and simply annoying. I don't want him to think I'm a basket case...although I've been behaving quite strangely as of late... I have to give the guy credit for putting up with my ex pining and bitchiness.

 

I hope I can resolve this soon. And again, posting here has helped a great deal. Thanks for responding!

Posted

OB are you in a LDR? I think I missed that part

  • Author
Posted
OB are you in a LDR? I think I missed that part

 

sb! Hello you. Yes, I am in a long distance relationship (grrrr...). :mad:

Posted

All the more time to obsess over things my dear..... Any chance of it not being an LDR in the forseeable future?

  • Author
Posted
All the more time to obsess over things my dear..... Any chance of it not being an LDR in the forseeable future?

 

Once I'm done school sb...in about a year and a half. In the meantime, I'll see him when I go home for visits (and he'll make trips to see me). Other than that, it's the phone and internet for us.

Posted
katie - thanks for your thought out post. Much appreciated!

 

You're welcome. :)

 

On the other hand, my b/f is extremely gun-shy about the marriage thing. He's even nervous to say "I love you-" he's said it once, about 4-5 months ago, while I was in bed, falling asleep. I think he was maybe hoping that I had fallen asleep.

So he hasn't said those three words nor has he proposed to you? While he did both with his previous gfs? If this is true, may I ask why you continue seeing him? I ask this as someone who is incredibly irritated and annoyed in her current situation (please don't think I'm judging you...).

 

He said the words just that once. He has not proposed (although I have asked- twice :) (Patience is NOT a virtue of mine...) He says he would like to finish college before marriage becomes a consideration. He proposed to the exes when his life was fairly stable and he was working. Right now he's almost a junior in school and I am the main breadwinner. I stay with him because A) I love him B) He's been shot down for the most important decision a person can make -twice- and I can't really blame him for wanting to be sure C) I may be impatient but I also know that jumping into something "just to be married" is stupid. It won't kill me to wait a few more years and get all my ducks (especially financial) lined up as well. And perhaps most importantly- D) He is the best man I have ever met except for my Daddy. :)

 

But enough about me- this is your thread.

 

Now the last g/f that my b/f had lived far, far away, and they had a long-distance relationship for 4 years. He was SO sure she was the one- he made a video for her to Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting." He has all sorts of pix from his trip to visit her (including some nude ones right after coitus) and also a homemade videotape of their sexual relations.

 

OK, you are now my official hero. I would go berserk. Really. You are obviously a much more composed person. I don't think I would handle this easily.

 

Well in the end, I figure, why should I care about her? She treated him badly, cheated on him during their 4-year LDR and as a result lost the best thing that could have happened to her. He's still bitter about her and probably always will be. But her loss is my gain and I figure that we are both such awesome people that we deserve each other. Oh, and we're modest, too :)

 

The pix, videotape, etc. were made by a younger and more naiive man than the person my b/f is now. Think about how much you have changed and grown in the past 5-6 years. If he does, in fact, keep most of this stuff around simply as a reminder of his past i.e. the person he used to be, then I really have no beef with it. That's his business. *Shrug*

 

He lost most of the computer stuff to a crash- I wasn't too heartbroken. He hid the pix away where I wouldn't see them- but then I go looking through that cabinet and "oh, what's this?" The videotape is in his car glovebox. He won't get rid of any of it. He says he keeps it to remind himself of the mistakes he's made.

 

Yes, maybe he is actually telling the truth...BUT it must make you feel a little second bestish, no?

 

It was a little weird that he hid them from me- but maybe he was worried I would try to destroy them or something. Not that I would, but he has major trust issues, and one of the things he keeps saying when the topic of a more permanent committment comes up is "I'm waiting to see if you'll turn out to be a psycho." My reply- "You've known me for 2+ years. Do you really think that's gonna happen?" Him- "Not really, but you never know." In some ways he's almost Woggle-ish in his paranoia.

 

But he really didn't miss the computer stuff once it was gone- I think that it's quite possible 5-10 years down the line he may come across the rest of it, go "meh" and toss the lot. I just have to be patient, chill out, and wait out his fear. It's good character building for me :)

 

Personally I think he's keeping it around because he doesn't trust me or our relationship, and why get rid of some perfectly good memories of a fantasy relationship for our relationship, which may not last? I think in some ways he idealizes that LDR- it's so much easier to be in love and yearning and happy when you don't have to deal with the shared nitty-gritty of rent, bills, etc.

 

Totally agree with this! This are always so much rosier when far away. Always.

 

I have seen all of this (even the videotape) and I've come to terms with it. My b/f had a life and relationships before we met. He had people he loved and girls he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. If they hadn't broken up with him he would probably still be married to one of them.

 

Yes, this is what the rational brain tells me. Apparently.

 

But of course, I had a life, relationships, and people that I wanted to marry as well. My own personal preference is to get rid of any and all mementos of past relationships- but my b/f, whatever his reasons are, is different. I just have to live in the here and now and accept that this is where we are, who we are, and right now I am the woman that he loves.

You are more like my bf in this case. He has gotten rid of the pics/emails, etc since dating me (well he got rid of of the photos last month...and the emails that HE has, he has deleted). I have deleted most of my pics with my ex - but our IM conversations and emails are not things I can part with. He was my best friend.

 

Well if I'm like your b/f, you must be a bit like mine, keeping a few mementoes of your past around. :) My partings with exes have not been amicable, and for the most part I am only able to move on when I let go of that part of my life. To me, it's sort of like the exes have died- in many ways they are dead to me. But that's just the way I operate.

 

I think about my b/f's exes too. He's friends with several of them (not the fiancees) and one in particular calls ALL the time. But she loves the two of us together and constantly says "You're the person he's been waiting for all this time- you two are so good together." In the end, I've just let it go. The person that loved those other women was a younger, more idealistic, more naiive version of the man I love now. I have to deal with all of the baggage from those relationships, and there are some days when I just wonder "why couldn't I have been the girl he proposed to- I never would have hurt him like that." But this is the here and now, and I simply have to take him as he is.

 

I'm cool with my bf being friends with an ex (he's actually maintains minimal contact with the ex in question). But I'd have a major problem with the baggage. What he wrote to her in that card...he has forgotten about it (or wants to). I can't. I just can't. Perhaps I'm such an egoist that I can't let it go... I don't know. I wish I were more level headed (like you are being)...

 

Well being level-headed isn't something that comes naturally. With my last ex I freaked when I found he had all these letters from exes and I finally made such a big deal out of it that he got rid of them. In retrospect it really wasn't as life-or-death as I had made it out to be. That learning experience influences my thought processes and behavior now.

 

The key here, OB, is to actively choose healthy behaviors. It's like choosing a salad over the fried cheese. You have a choice to keep the unhealthy stuff around, contaminating your mind, or to be rid of it, and when you start to obsess, actively direct your mind towards something else.

 

For example:

 

OB's obsessive mind- *I'm starting to think about those letters and cards again. Why doesn't he ever say stuff like that to me? It must be because-*

 

(OB's rational mind butts in and actively chooses healthier behavior)

 

OB's rational mind- *It's stupid to keep thinking about this. My b/f is such a great guy- remember that time when (insert positive memory here.)*

 

Even if you have to keep redirecting your mind actively and conciously, sooner or later it will get easier. Kind of like people posting on LS instead of breaking NC.

 

Almost every day I get the urge to check in on the ex's MySpace. Most of the time I redirect that urge into coming here, or reading email, or news, or playing games, or taking a nap. It doesn't come naturally but I know obsessing over a lost relationship only hurts me. You know what I'm saying?

 

So- here's my advice. You've read the emails- now let them go. Delete them and let there be an end to it. You can't compete with a relationship several years dead. Whether his feelings for her were stronger than they were for you- they ended.

 

That's what is bothering me. Were his feelings stronger for her? He claimed (when we got together again) that he's NEVER felt anything remotely close to what he feels for me (and he has only affirmed it over time). So my mind is confused...b/w what he's said to me and what I've read (again, not to sound like a broken record, but why has he not said this to me?).

 

Well there are really only two options here. Either he was lying to her when he wrote those things, or he was lying to you when he denied having feelings of that strength with anyone else. If he was lying to her (and people in love do say things they may not mean in retrospect) then that is his shame to bear and has nothing to do with you. If after the breakup he started thinking "I really didn't feel that way, even though I said I did.." then he is probably rather wary of saying those things again.

 

If he was lying to you it was probably because he wanted to please you. Kind of like people who say "You're the best lover I've ever had!" when in fact it's not the case. But what are you really supposed to say- "Actually, my last ex was much better in bed than you." Hello, breakup.

 

In your case, he could either say "I've never loved anyone like I love you!" or he could say "Actually, I felt the same feelings for my ex" or even worse "Actually I was a lot more passionate about my ex than you." Chances are that choices 2 and 3 would generate a breakup, which obviously he doesn't want to do. So perhaps he tells what is to him a white lie to keep the peace.

 

Look at his actions, not his words. Are most of the things he does, the plans he makes, the future he wants to have, built with you in mind? Does he show you caring, affection, love and trust? Is he a good man and do you love him? This is what really counts, in the end.

 

In the end this sounds like a "You loved her more than you love me" kind of situation. Maybe he did- maybe he didn't. Regardless the relationship didn't work and now he's with you. He's given you a committment and a ring. If you're happy with him, and with the relationship, then anything that came before is nothing but history.

 

There is no ring yet. I don't know if we'll make it that far, to be honest. I have issues of my own (independent of this whole "his ex" one). I still cry over my own ex and how things ended with him...

 

Ooops, I got yours and sb129's back-to-back posts scrambled in my brain, with her account of the Tiffany ring, etc.

 

Well the one thing I've learned after the end of two 3-year relationships that I thought would end in marriage is that there are no certainties. I have no certainty that my current b/f and I will make it to his graduation, or beyond, or ever get married, or whether one of us'll get hit by a bus tomorrow, or whatever. The future is not made up of planned certainties- it's made up of living through today and dealing with today's messes, bills, disagreements, and enjoying today's affection, loving, and fun. Then tomorrow I wake up and do the same thing. If we make it, then we make it. If not, my life will continue and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

And exes are hard to get over. Even my father, who divorced my mother well over 20 years ago, still gets bitter when she comes up in conversation. Some things in life will just keep hurting until enough time and enough life has passed by that the pain is dulled. You're not the only one to still hurt over an ex years down the line. Don't berate yourself for your feelings- we don't really choose our feelings, we simply choose how we react to them.

 

I must sound very childish. My ranting and raving about something he wrote to her years ago. I don't care that he has not said this to me. What bothers me is that he said it to her...thereby making it appear as if his feelings, albeit briefly, were stronger for her than me.

 

I read my posts and understand how utterly pathetic this is becoming. :confused:

 

It's like that Mickey and Sylvia song- "Love is Strange." If you just keep trying to redirect yourself into healthy behaviors, sooner or later it will stick. But you have to want to be healthy about this. It won't just happen.

 

Oh, and confronting your b/f in a drunken fit is not a good way to communicate. If you don't trust yourself to be able to talk about this in a calm and positive way, write him a letter. Don't send it for a few days- read it, edit, and sit on it again. If after a week of writing and revising you are satisfied that you have explained your feelings and stated your questions in a reasonable and loving way, then send it.

 

Bottom line- it sounds like what you really need but are afraid to ask for is reassurance. It's ok to ask for reassurance from someone you love who loves you. Just be open and honest about your feelings (and also non-confrontational- not "You made me feel this way" but "I've been feeling this way for a while now and I'd just like a bit of reassurance so that I can let this go.")

  • Author
Posted

Katie, again, thank you for your well thought out post!

 

The more I think about all of this, the more I realize that I love him a great deal. He is precisely the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to alienate such a person by being petty about something that is no longer relevant.

 

I have to accept that he has had feelings for women in the past...that it has no bearing on his feelings for me now. I have to remind myself that the love he has for me is real and should not be questioned at the drop of a hat (which I seem to be doing lately). I do believe him when he says I'm the love of his life...I guess I have to start focusing on what is happening now rather than wonder about things from the past.

 

While I want to let this go (and I will), it won't be fully laid to rest till I speak to him about this. What can I say, I like my closure.

 

Thank you again for posting!

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