Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I've come to the realization that I have a great deal of difficulty "letting go" of things. I stew over things that should not matter...over things that are no longer relevant. And yet...my heart beats faster, my palms become sweaty and my mind races... My relationship with my bf has your typical ups and downs...but it seems that I am intent on pushing for the downs. What is wrong with me? Things were fine with us when we began dating. But now, I don't know... Seems like I can't let go! So what is this thing that I can't let go of? Well... A few months ago I stumbled across emails from his ex. My bf and I switched laptops prior to me returning to school (my motherboard needed to be replaced and I wouldn't have gotten it back in time for school). So he offered to let me take his. My first week back at school, I realized there was virus. Some minor research regarding that particular virus informed me that this virus can spread via email. So my bf asked me to remove some of his email programs (similar to Outlook). As I was doing this (he was on the phone with me), I came across old emails from his ex. And so I read them (after telling him as much). These emails were sent during the final stages of their break up. She was pretty hurt that he was leaving her...but he seemed to have his reasons (reasons which he had explained to her). Also, things were going sour in their relationship for a while... Anyway, I read these damn emails and now they haunt me. This was sometime back in early September. When my bf and I reunited after many years apart (he was my first bf, I was his first gf), things were incredibly intense. He fell in love so suddenly that it was startling. My own feelings were surprising (I was shocked that I could be THIS attracted to someone). Anyway, we spoke for hours about everything and anything. He made me feel that this love he felt for me...that it was unique...that he had NEVER felt it for someone before. Now it turns out that he did in fact feel such intense emotions for someone - HER. Her emails recount things he had said to her... When I asked him about it, he stated that he felt those things for a very brief moment, that he was 'in love' but it was momentary. I can't seem to let go of these feelings and emotions. There's more to this...but the above provides the gist. I wish I could get over what he said to her.
sb129 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Ocean Blue, you know as well as I do that stewing over this is not going to achieve anything positive at all. I am going to tell you a little story. Wonderboy, my wonderful fiance, has actually been engaged before. He got engaged to his ex of a couple of years ago after four months of being with her. (We were together for a year before he popped the Q). He bought her a Tiffany engagement ring. They announced it to everyone, and two months later the R went from bad to worse, and he made a trip to Tiffany to return the ring. He says now that he can only describe his actions as a moment of madness. I COULD get offended that he waited more than four months to ask me, the "love of his life" to marry him. I COULD get offended that he also bought me a Tiffany engagement ring (he says mine is bigger than the one he got her- who cares if it is or not, its not the same ring, thats all I care about). I COULD get offended that he even thought he loved another woman enough to want to marry her. But I cannot be ARSED wasting time and energy on worrying about it. Its in his past, I have more than a few skeletons in my closet that I am sure he is less than thrilled about. (He is VERY anti- infidelity, and I have been an OW before.) We agreed not to quiz eachother on our past Rs, and just concentrate on the here and now, and I tell you, its been great. My last BF was obsessed with my past and it destroyed the relationship in the end due to his possessiveness and jealousy of past events that I had no power to change. All that matters now is that Wonderboy and I love eachother NOW, we make eachother happy NOW, we are getting married, and building a life together for our future. You know all this OB, you know you do. Your BF may have proclaimed intense feelings for his ex- but they didn't last, thats why she is is EX!
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Ocean Blue, you know as well as I do that stewing over this is not going to achieve anything positive at all. I am going to tell you a little story. Wonderboy, my wonderful fiance, has actually been engaged before. He got engaged to his ex of a couple of years ago after four months of being with her. (We were together for a year before he popped the Q). He bought her a Tiffany engagement ring. They announced it to everyone, and two months later the R went from bad to worse, and he made a trip to Tiffany to return the ring. He says now that he can only describe his actions as a moment of madness. I COULD get offended that he waited more than four months to ask me, the "love of his life" to marry him. I COULD get offended that he also bought me a Tiffany engagement ring (he says mine is bigger than the one he got her- who cares if it is or not, its not the same ring, thats all I care about). I COULD get offended that he even thought he loved another woman enough to want to marry her. But I cannot be ARSED wasting time and energy on worrying about it. Its in his past, I have more than a few skeletons in my closet that I am sure he is less than thrilled about. (He is VERY anti- infidelity, and I have been an OW before.) We agreed not to quiz eachother on our past Rs, and just concentrate on the here and now, and I tell you, its been great. My last BF was obsessed with my past and it destroyed the relationship in the end due to his possessiveness and jealousy of past events that I had no power to change. All that matters now is that Wonderboy and I love eachother NOW, we make eachother happy NOW, we are getting married, and building a life together for our future. You know all this OB, you know you do. Your BF may have proclaimed intense feelings for his ex- but they didn't last, thats why she is is EX! sb...I totally see your point. The objective me gets it. But the irrational, crazy "me, me" side simply won't let it go. His relationship with her was fraught with a lot issues (her dependency on him, his family's disapproval, his realization that he was not as attracted to her as he had thought, etc). I get that (and am glad for it!). The "objective" O-B gets that he broke it off with her b/c he didn't see a future with her. But I can't let go of the damn memories she mentioned or the future they hoped for. It makes me sick to my stomach. But having having been privy to the details...ONE PARTICULAR thing he said to her...it bothers me sb (she reminded him of something he wrote to her in a card)! That my bf (the one who has told me that I am the love of his life, that he wants me to be the mother of his children, that he wants to marry me and grow old with me) could have written certain words to this girl that I've never heard him say to me...UGH...makes me feel...I dunno... This bothers me. Makes me feel very "bah". I don't know how else to explain it. How could he say that to her? Does this mean that he loved her more intensely, during that brief moment (months, I think) than he can ever love me in a lifetime? I don't even recognize this nutjob that I've become. What happened to the sane woman that I once was? Thanks for posting your personal story. Chances are, I would've gotten all psycho and intense on Wonderboy too (the poor man). Oh where is the vodka?
Trialbyfire Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I know how you feel about being able to differentiate between the rational and the irrational mind, able to control one and allowing the latter to control you. The rational mind says, stop it, don't be silly, while the irrational mind sits in the corner, chittering its fears in the dark. Have you ever been in love with anyone else besides your b/f?
sb129 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I know what you mean, I have an irrational SB129 side too, although she doesn't come out to play much anymore, because Wonderboy makes me feel so secure. We are going to see another ex of his tomorrow night at a mutual friends birthday. She kicked up such a fuss about me, that I wasn't invited to said mutual friends wedding. (WB and I hadn't been together that long). I, on the other hand, am looking forward to being in the same room as her, and behaving like a complete lady (and flashing my left hand in her direction Moohaw haw). Your rational side HAS to win this battle OB. If the irrational side wins its going to cause friction in your R. There isn't anything your BF can do to take back that stuff, and he is with you now. Maybe he is guarded saying those kind of things to you, because he feels he has all the time in the world to grow with you. Maybe he doesn't say them now, because he knows you know he said them to the ex, and for him to say them to you would sound fake. please relax.... you are a very sane rational woman, you know you are!!! What would you say to yourself if you saw this thread?
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 I know how you feel about being able to differentiate between the rational and the irrational mind, able to control one and allowing the latter to control you. The rational mind says, stop it, don't be silly, while the irrational mind sits in the corner, chittering its fears in the dark. Have you ever been in love with anyone else besides your b/f? No, I have never been in love before. I mean, I felt moments of it (with my ex)...but they were so momentary and insubstantial that I never considered it being "in love". Romantic love (or establishing it with someone) has always been very difficult for me. I'm picky in a very strange way (mannerisms, quirks, etc). According to the bf, he was never in love until me. He told me that after we broke up as teens, he thought about me from time to time (not in a romantic capacity) but in a "it totally would've worked with her" sort of way. When we got back together years later, he told me that whatever he felt as a kid, he still felt (only much more intense). When we discussed our previous relationships, I was honest about my feelings for my ex. He told me that he was never in love with his exes...that it was "fun" for a while and that he was attracted to them at the beginning but that it fell to the wayside pretty quickly. Gah... I really don't like this whiney, intense side of me. REALLY! Thank you for responding TBF!
Trialbyfire Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 No, I have never been in love before. I mean, I felt moments of it (with my ex)...but they were so momentary and insubstantial that I never considered it being "in love". Romantic love (or establishing it with someone) has always been very difficult for me. I'm picky in a very strange way (mannerisms, quirks, etc). According to the bf, he was never in love until me. He told me that after we broke up as teens, he thought about me from time to time (not in a romantic capacity) but in a "it totally would've worked with her" sort of way. When we got back together years later, he told me that whatever he felt as a kid, he still felt (only much more intense). When we discussed our previous relationships, I was honest about my feelings for my ex. He told me that he was never in love with his exes...that it was "fun" for a while and that he was attracted to them at the beginning but that it fell to the wayside pretty quickly. Gah... I really don't like this whiney, intense side of me. REALLY! Thank you for responding TBF! I've been in love more than once and been infatuated a number of times. Each time is different and can be just as intense. Sometimes you also mistake infatuation for being in love...until it fades quickly or you experience the real thing. Ya know? You're welcome OB. It's my pleasure to help, if I possibly can.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 I know what you mean, I have an irrational SB129 side too, although she doesn't come out to play much anymore, because Wonderboy makes me feel so secure. We are going to see another ex of his tomorrow night at a mutual friends birthday. She kicked up such a fuss about me, that I wasn't invited to said mutual friends wedding. (WB and I hadn't been together that long). I, on the other hand, am looking forward to being in the same room as her, and behaving like a complete lady (and flashing my left hand in her direction Moohaw haw). Your rational side HAS to win this battle OB. If the irrational side wins its going to cause friction in your R. There isn't anything your BF can do to take back that stuff, and he is with you now. Maybe he is guarded saying those kind of things to you, because he feels he has all the time in the world to grow with you. Maybe he doesn't say them now, because he knows you know he said them to the ex, and for him to say them to you would sound fake. please relax.... you are a very sane rational woman, you know you are!!! What would you say to yourself if you saw this thread? Make sure to allow that rock to glisten under the proper lighting. Such a thing of beauty deserves proper lighting. That AND you don't want to let her go without a grand rub-in session. I really want to be rational, I do... And sometimes, I let it go. I say, "OK whatever he was a kid, he felt if briefly and he has told me since that his feelings for her are nowhere what he feels for me..." But then I end up comparing. OK, what I bolded above (from your post) - God bless you and love you sb (and may WB forever make you moan)! Seriously, that makes me feel oodles better. That's precisely what I want to hear. That's what the rational part of me has been trying to tell me... Some of my friends have told me as much (albeit in a bit more brusquer way). I hope I can get out of this soon... This feeling has been lingering (and resurfacing) since the "discovery". My bf is getting tired of it. I have yet to ask him "why have you never said THAT to me" for fear of his response - but more so b/c I am a proud woman and do not want him to see how insecure this has made me. I'm just glad there is no alcohol in the apartment.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 I've been in love more than once and been infatuated a number of times. Each time is different and can be just as intense. Sometimes you also mistake infatuation for being in love...until it fades quickly or you experience the real thing. Ya know? You're welcome OB. It's my pleasure to help, if I possibly can. That's what he told me... I guess I was completely taken aback with her emails. Seeing something in writing, such visceral, emotional things... They can really screw with you. I keep reading them, OVER AND OVER. At first, I was really hurt and sad for her. That she loved him as much as she did...and he didn't return it in the end (a sort of sick kind of empathy, I felt for her). I felt as if it were ME he were breaking up with... Once I had dealt with THAT, I was left with the other stuff. I just hope I'm not self sabotaging. That would be unproductive and oh so destructive.
Trialbyfire Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 That's what he told me... I guess I was completely taken aback with her emails. Seeing something in writing, such visceral, emotional things... They can really screw with you. I keep reading them, OVER AND OVER. At first, I was really hurt and sad for her. That she loved him as much as she did...and he didn't return it in the end (a sort of sick kind of empathy, I felt for her). I felt as if it were ME he were breaking up with... Once I had dealt with THAT, I was left with the other stuff. I just hope I'm not self sabotaging. That would be unproductive and oh so destructive. You strike me as a fact-driven person. What he's told you is intangible. What you have is hard-core proof within the written text in the emails. But...what you are trying to prove is intangible. What you are also using to substantiate his seeming dishonesty, is something that happened during a different point in the timeline than what you're experiencing now. It's like trying to prove that Eskimos walked over the Bering strait, by using evidence carbon dated to the time of the dinosaurs. Do yourself a favour. If at all possible, either delete or, zip up those emails and hide them away from yourself. I hope what I've typed makes some sense. I'm kind of crashing badly right now since it's been a very long day for me. I'll look into this thread tomorrow, when I wake up.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 You strike me as a fact-driven person. What he's told you is intangible. What you have is hard-core proof within the written text in the emails. But...what you are trying to prove is intangible. What you are also using to substantiate his seeming dishonesty, is something that happened during a different point in the timeline than what you're experiencing now. It's like trying to prove that Eskimos walked over the Bering strait, by using evidence carbon dated to the time of the dinosaurs. Do yourself a favour. If at all possible, either delete or, zip up those emails and hide them away from yourself. I hope what I've typed makes some sense. I'm kind of crashing badly right now since it's been a very long day for me. I'll look into this thread tomorrow, when I wake up. Yes, the emails are not helping - they are there for me to read whenever this feeling resurfaces. What is difficult is that I've never dealt with something like this before. I don't recognize these emotions and frustrations. I've always thought of myself as relatively a sane, together person. And then THIS comes along... I've never really known what it's like to date someone with an ex... I suppose I have been naive with regards to this. People have failed relationships, they feel passion for their exes... I know this. I understand that this was his past, that she was his past. What I cannot get over is what he said. In a very strange way, it's as if he betrayed me. He tried to be as honest about his relationship with her...as I was with him. My friends have chided me for sticking to a "full disclosure" sort of approach in terms of my relationship with him. I can't help it. It's the way I am, it's the way my brain is wired. I expect complete and full honesty. Any misrepresentations regarding feelings, etc, I see as a betrayal - A LIE. This feeling comes and goes, comes and goes. Have a good night's rest TBF!
sb129 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Make sure to allow that rock to glisten under the proper lighting. Such a thing of beauty deserves proper lighting. That AND you don't want to let her go without a grand rub-in session. I really want to be rational, I do... And sometimes, I let it go. I say, "OK whatever he was a kid, he felt if briefly and he has told me since that his feelings for her are nowhere what he feels for me..." But then I end up comparing. OK, what I bolded above (from your post) - God bless you and love you sb (and may WB forever make you moan)! Seriously, that makes me feel oodles better. That's precisely what I want to hear. That's what the rational part of me has been trying to tell me... Some of my friends have told me as much (albeit in a bit more brusquer way). I hope I can get out of this soon... This feeling has been lingering (and resurfacing) since the "discovery". My bf is getting tired of it. I have yet to ask him "why have you never said THAT to me" for fear of his response - but more so b/c I am a proud woman and do not want him to see how insecure this has made me. I'm just glad there is no alcohol in the apartment. You are welcome. And I will be hanging out under the halogen lights on Sat night for sure! I agree with TBF. You are trying to surmise something intangible out of the tangible emails. And I agree with her that you should delete them. I remember earlier this year when I moved out of my house to come live with WB, and I found a letter that the ex had written me when we split. I had read it already, and not replied, then must have filed it and forgotten it. It was full of backhanded "loving" words, when really it was nasty, manipulative, possessive and rude. Just RE- reading it made me angry enough to consider writing him an abusive email detailing just what I thought of him and how much I had moved on, and how I was soooo much happier with WB who is a million times the man he is... and then I stopped and thought, well if I do that, he has won. He has achieved his aim of upsetting me nearly a year after the letter was written. So i shredded it and every single reminder/ piece of correspondence I have from him. If it ain't there, it can't wind you up.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 You are welcome. And I will be hanging out under the halogen lights on Sat night for sure! I agree with TBF. You are trying to surmise something intangible out of the tangible emails. And I agree with her that you should delete them. I remember earlier this year when I moved out of my house to come live with WB, and I found a letter that the ex had written me when we split. I had read it already, and not replied, then must have filed it and forgotten it. It was full of backhanded "loving" words, when really it was nasty, manipulative, possessive and rude. Just RE- reading it made me angry enough to consider writing him an abusive email detailing just what I thought of him and how much I had moved on, and how I was soooo much happier with WB who is a million times the man he is... and then I stopped and thought, well if I do that, he has won. He has achieved his aim of upsetting me nearly a year after the letter was written. So i shredded it and every single reminder/ piece of correspondence I have from him. If it ain't there, it can't wind you up. True, but it was a letter from you ex...it had nothing to do with WB - it did not make you question his love for you. Imagine you read something written by WB's ex (where he expressed a certain something he has not said to you...and may never!). Do you think it would be as easy to delete the emails? You're probably more rational than I am, so maybe you would...and not think about it... But for me sb, I can't let this go. With my ex, I knew exactly where I stood with him. He never made me guess about his feelings. Naturally, him not having an ex or such baggage helped things along...but he was able to provide me with this security that my bf has not. This thing has gotten so bad and permeated other parts of my relationship...I don't know if I'm especially sensitive to things BECAUSE of what he said to her or if things he does (or doesn't do) remind me of what he said. I wish there were a way for my insecurities to be assuaged. I don't know that it can, for the moment. I want to come right out and ask him why he's never said it to me...considering how he's professed so about his intense, "love of my life" like feelings for me.
sb129 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Yes, I understand, was using it to demonstrate why you need to delete the emails. If your BF has professed that you are the love of his life- isn't that telling you how he feels? What else would you like him to say? Here you are backtracking again! I do hope you aren't going back over those emails as we speak! I know its hard, but at our age (I'm not sure how old you are but I know you aren't 20?) you simply cannot expect everyone you fall in love with to not have an ex or two lurking around in the depths of their past! Your relationship is special and unique. Whatever he said to her may have been heat of the moment, it could have been one of those passionate, intense Rs that begins with all sorts of declarations but burns out quickly because there is no substance to it. (Just guessing.) Where is your BF now? Isn't it quite late for you now?
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Hey there - I can't really say much as I don't have the words right now but {{{{hugs}}} from someone who understands a bit of how your feeling. xxxx
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Yes, I understand, was using it to demonstrate why you need to delete the emails. If your BF has professed that you are the love of his life- isn't that telling you how he feels? What else would you like him to say? Here you are backtracking again! I do hope you aren't going back over those emails as we speak! I know its hard, but at our age (I'm not sure how old you are but I know you aren't 20?) you simply cannot expect everyone you fall in love with to not have an ex or two lurking around in the depths of their past! Your relationship is special and unique. Whatever he said to her may have been heat of the moment, it could have been one of those passionate, intense Rs that begins with all sorts of declarations but burns out quickly because there is no substance to it. (Just guessing.) Where is your BF now? Isn't it quite late for you now? That made me giggle... I've become an insane creature with an incessant need to rehash this damn issue in my head over and over again. I don't read the emails daily, but I do read them from time to time. I'm 26 going on 16. My bf is away sleeping. He thinks all is well. That I am composed and calm. Little does he know that a storm is brewing... Keep your cats indoors!
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Hey there - I can't really say much as I don't have the words right now but {{{{hugs}}} from someone who understands a bit of how your feeling. xxxx Merci beaucoup!
squeak Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 There are a few things that I am seeing: 1) You seem to be upset he underplayed or dismissed having any real feelings for her, yet reading that email made you question which version was true. There are 2 options: Was it The in the moment one he said, or was he downplaying it so as to let you know that YOU are the most important? Conclusion: Either is not so bad when you break it down. For the first, if it was all wrapped up in hopes and wishing and dlusion-so what? That's why it is over. And if he did feel that way at *ONE TIME_NOT NOW* and is trying to minmiize it for your benefit-so as you know you are the one he feels strongest about-again-is that so bad? Now here is why i say that. He has told you he sees having babies, married life and all that good stuff with you. What more could you possibly need as proof you are the one? I don't know what this one line was he said to her he never did to you, but i find it really quite hard to imagine it would go beyond whatever he told you his intentions were about you. To further make the point-I would not be so quick to brush it away if you could come up with any conclusive proof that he loved her more and you less because of this one sentence he has never sid to you, yet has said every other thing that is the end all and be all of what a woman in love wants to hear. So....I am not trying to invalidate your feelings, but i think you need to make the distinction between "eeee I hate that he did not hate everyone before me and dared to feel a smidgen of love!!!" vs "Uh-oh-this one sentence is proof he does not love me as much as he could, and had in fact loved another more than me which means I am not getting everything he has to offer, therefore settling" Which I don't think you can prove to me, or yourself is the case! (The case to prove meaning the latter) So----what do you think? I hope my post was clear, upon re-reading it sounds rambling-but it is following those 2 inital bullet points I made to there logical and emotional conclusions.
shadowplay Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 OB, I can totally understand where you're coming from. If I read such a correspondence between my bf and his ex it would devestate me. But because I'm removed enough from this situation to be objective, I can see that you're overreacting. What exactly did your bf say to his ex that you found so disturbing? He's told you that he wants to marry you, that you're the love of his life, and this hasn't been a fleeting declaration. Most importantly he's stayed with you while he left his ex. You couldn't ask for more. The guy loves you and only you, accept it. The only thing you should be afraid of is the very real chance that you could damage your relationship by not letting stuff like this go. Don't let your fears turn into self fufilling prophecies. I wouldn't share most of your insecurities about this stuff with him. Instead try to nip them in the bud by practicing cognitive techniques and countering your emotions with rationality like we're helping you do in this thread. I agree with you that honesty and openness is generally key in a relationship, but I've come to learn that some things are better left unsaid. If you need to come to us or your girlfriends with these fears, but try to avoid sharing them with him unless you decide there's a legitimate basis for you concern.
Trialbyfire Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Good afternoon O-B. Wow, talk about sleeping in. Day two of not applying myself to work and loving every minute of it. Might I ask how long you've been in a relationship with your b/f?
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 There are a few things that I am seeing: 1) You seem to be upset he underplayed or dismissed having any real feelings for her, yet reading that email made you question which version was true. There are 2 options: Was it The in the moment one he said, or was he downplaying it so as to let you know that YOU are the most important? Conclusion: Either is not so bad when you break it down. For the first, if it was all wrapped up in hopes and wishing and dlusion-so what? That's why it is over. And if he did feel that way at *ONE TIME_NOT NOW* and is trying to minmiize it for your benefit-so as you know you are the one he feels strongest about-again-is that so bad? Now here is why i say that. He has told you he sees having babies, married life and all that good stuff with you. What more could you possibly need as proof you are the one? I don't know what this one line was he said to her he never did to you, but i find it really quite hard to imagine it would go beyond whatever he told you his intentions were about you. To further make the point-I would not be so quick to brush it away if you could come up with any conclusive proof that he loved her more and you less because of this one sentence he has never sid to you, yet has said every other thing that is the end all and be all of what a woman in love wants to hear. So....I am not trying to invalidate your feelings, but i think you need to make the distinction between "eeee I hate that he did not hate everyone before me and dared to feel a smidgen of love!!!" vs "Uh-oh-this one sentence is proof he does not love me as much as he could, and had in fact loved another more than me which means I am not getting everything he has to offer, therefore settling" Which I don't think you can prove to me, or yourself is the case! (The case to prove meaning the latter) So----what do you think? I hope my post was clear, upon re-reading it sounds rambling-but it is following those 2 inital bullet points I made to there logical and emotional conclusions. squeak, why must you be so logical? What you say is true (you are very wise). BUT...your "Uh-oh-this one sentence is proof he does not love me as much as he could, and had in fact loved another more than me which means I am not getting everything he has to offer, therefore settling" sums up how I feel at the moment. I don't like that he had such intense feelings for her. Had he been upfront about it, I wouldn't have cared (correction, it wouldn't have bothered me to the extent it has)...I would have been prepared. This is why I insist on full and complete disclosure - nothing can hurt you if you are equipped with knowledge. I protect myself beforehand by knowing what to expect. Those emails, that one in particular, caught me off guard and shattered a small piece of something deep within. I want to ask him...but as I said, I am far too proud. In the email she refers to something he said (as I've been saying in this here thread)...she asks him to remember when he told her "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you...not even anyone in my family!" (I'm paraphrasing...but this was more or less it). He has NEVER said this to me. In fact, he and I have talked about where family fits in our lives and I know that I don't expect to be put ahead of his family (I don't put him ahead of my beloved family). He said to me once that he can see me being at the top of his list (I'm paraphrasing)... Gah, this sounds like some sort of business transaction... So why the heck would he say this to her? He has told me that he loves me a great deal and that I am his "everything"... But ugh...the semantics of it all get to me. He has told me on one occasion that next to his family, he loves me a great deal (and yet, in his youthful exuberance, he told HER she was NUMBER freakin' ONE)... Had he not told me this and had I not read that email, I'd be fine. Being the neurotic freak that I have become as of late, I asked one of my best friends to evaluate what he said to her and compare it to what he said to me (so "love you more than my family" vs. "you're everything to me")...and after I answered "yes" to her asking me if I wanted her to be "brutally honest" she said that his statement to her is more meaningful (after all, "everything" is so vague...what is "everything"...whereas family is specific, and you know it's intense when he says he loves you more than his family). I understand how utterly crazy this is all sounding - how petty I am being. But I cannot tell my heart to be rational at the moment. It seems to want to further analyze and dissect... For what purpose, I don't know. Thank you for your very insightful post squeak!
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 OB, I can totally understand where you're coming from. If I read such a correspondence between my bf and his ex it would devestate me. But because I'm removed enough from this situation to be objective, I can see that you're overreacting. What exactly did your bf say to his ex that you found so disturbing? He's told you that he wants to marry you, that you're the love of his life, and this hasn't been a fleeting declaration. Most importantly he's stayed with you while he left his ex. You couldn't ask for more. The guy loves you and only you, accept it. The only thing you should be afraid of is the very real chance that you could damage your relationship by not letting stuff like this go. Don't let your fears turn into self fufilling prophecies. I wouldn't share most of your insecurities about this stuff with him. Instead try to nip them in the bud by practicing cognitive techniques and countering your emotions with rationality like we're helping you do in this thread. I agree with you that honesty and openness is generally key in a relationship, but I've come to learn that some things are better left unsaid. If you need to come to us or your girlfriends with these fears, but try to avoid sharing them with him unless you decide there's a legitimate basis for you concern. Hey shadow. My above post mentions what it was that has led to my panties being in a knot. I know I have to deal with this...or I risk pushing him away. I have been talking to some gfs about this...and their advice is to let it go...that such things come with time (him telling me what I want to hear). My response to them is: feelings are feelings - they are carnal and uninhibited. If he has to "grow" into it or "wait" to tell me, it means the intensity of whatever he feels for me pales in comparison to what he felt for her. I agree with you...this is not healthy. I need to stop obsessing. I can tell you, posting this on LS and reading the posts by others and responding to them has certainly helped me in attempting to deal with this (or at least think about it a little differently). I left my ex after MANY years together (close to a decade) b/c I wasn't happy (I was not in love with him...no chemistry). I began something with my bf b/c he offered me this passionate love that I didn't even realize was possible for someone like me. And now...I'm wondering how "passionate" it really is (in light of my discovery). Your perspective is helpful shadow b/c I know you and I think similarly in some ways (and share certain tendencies/traits)... Thanks for posting!
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 Good afternoon O-B. Wow, talk about sleeping in. Day two of not applying myself to work and loving every minute of it. Might I ask how long you've been in a relationship with your b/f? TBF, good evening to you. I am on day 62 of not applying myself. I've been with my bf for about 8.5 months. As I mentioned, he was my first bf and I was his first gf (some 10 years ago).
squeak Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 squeak, I rec'd your PM. For whatever reason, the system is not allowing me to respond. I think you may have to enable the option. Talk to you soon. Okay I changed it now!Sorry! talk soon,
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