In tears...yet again :(

[Mylife]

Well i am back here again after a long long time...i used to come alot here after my breakup...but then i started getting a lot better...i mean...i thought of myself alot...i worked a lot on school stuff...got my grades up alot....joined professional organizations for networking and all...just in general got my acedemic life well settled...thts what i used to help me forget him...and i was doing great...i tried real hard to keep the nc...first week of the break up we talked...then slowly stopped and now we have been apart for about 5 weeks...and been nc for like a month...its been hard...but i hve been strong...and used to feel happy about ending it...since it was a mutual no mess ending for the right reasons...but anyways....thats a diff story...i really thought for the most part i was over him...i know i thought of him sometimes...since he was my first relationship, first boy tht i kissed, first boy that i was slightly physical with, didnt loose my virginity with him though luckily...but u know...my first relationship...first boy that i ever dated too...soo it was special...very...but i slowly did forget...but i did think of the feelings when i kissed him...and when i hugged...or when fell asleep lying in my arms on my lap...or my head lying on his chest...and just drifting off to the most beautiful sleep...like i these were beautiful mems...i didnt ever feel sad thinking of them...i felt happy that i had the chance to experience it...well anywayys...getting to the point...yesterday...i went on facebook...and saw that he had deleted all the free gifts that i had sent him when we were tgether...and all those that he had sent me...u know...the love love type ones...and for some reason...i felt sad...really sad...and ****ty...and then i was randomly looking at his some of his best friend's profiles...and pics of them with their gf's, and saw how pretty they all were compared to me...and just all of a sudden felt...the he mebbe just never found me worthy enough...u know...like he compared me to the pretty gf's of his friends...and was like she is so fat compared to them..and ugly...well yeh i m alittle over weight...but well he never said that to me...or ever made me feel like he compared me to them...i duno it was pretty random...i saw the gifts gone...and then the pics...and then i broke...and burst into tears...after sooo long..i dunno y...like i jsut felt fat...and so damn ugly...i mean i think in a way all guys compare their gf's to their friends gf's...and i just feel that i didnt at all match up to them at all...they were skinny and pretty by face...and could wear anything...and they would look pretty...me on the other hand...have a bit of access fat...that i really hatee...well i dunno i was doing fine for sooo long...and wht happened to me all of a suddenn??...oh and also one thing...during our nc time...he once msged me on fb...to ask how i was doing...and stuff..u know general...whts up type...hows school and all...and i just replied with a general msg as well..saying everything is fine...u tell me type..and that was it...nothing big...and even that day i was fine...well i was a little happy...but u know no mems comming bak or anything...but then yesterday was just bad i dunno wht happend...and then tday i went to the school that he goes to...cuz i used to be thereb4...and alll my closest friends r there...and i go there every week to meet them...since i go to another school the rest of the days...well anyways...i didnt see him when i went the past few weeks...and tday we bumped into eachother...and it was just like oh hi...type...and he smiled and i smiled...and just like whts up...and then that was it...and i didnt feel sad or anything at that point...it was more like...weird...like...wow i see him after like sooo long...it was interesting...but i was ok about it...so it wasnt bad...but just the whole thing that happened yesterday...and then i saw him tday...just all put together...is like ahhh...and i just feel like u know...screaming it alll out...and hoping that it will all come out in the scream...and that then the stupid feeling will just be gone again...i mean i was doing soo good b4 yesterday...but u know...i feel that it may also just be pms right now...kinda thing...like i dunnooo...it just sucks majorlyy...cuz i wana feel loved again...i wana feel pretty again...not as fat and ugly as i do rite now....and worst thing..i feel like msging him on msn rite now...just to say "whts up"...but i know i shouldnt...or mebbe i should?...or ahh i duno...wht to doooo???...make my life better some how someone ...

[Mylife]

sry for the double post..i wantd to chng the heading...but it posted me twice...:s...now i dunt know how to delete the previous one...and once again..sry for the long post...it just feels nice to let it all out...