Author shadowplay Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Men are fixers. They like to fix things. When they're into you, they want to make you happy. However, they cannot read your mind. If you want attention while he's away, you have to find a way to let him know that. What type of attention do you want/need? More phone calls? Emails? Next time he calls, thank him for calling and tell him how happy it makes you to get calls from him during the week. Remind him that it's important to have contact and connection even when you're physically apart. If he knows what will make you happy, he'll do it. But as of right now, you don't even know if he's capable...do you? You're just moaning about what he doesn't do that he doesn't know to do. And in exchange, you should ask him if there's anything YOU are doing or not doing that he'd like you to. Perhaps he has needs too... I will try telling him this tomorrow, thanks. See the thing is I feel like I shouldn't even have to tell a guy this stuff. I want a guy to do it without me having to ask.
Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 See the thing is I feel like I shouldn't even have to tell a guy this stuff. I want a guy to do it without me having to ask. Too bad, because you do. You cannot expect him to read your mind.
oppath Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I will try telling him this tomorrow, thanks. See the thing is I feel like I shouldn't even have to tell a guy this stuff. I want a guy to do it without me having to ask. Oh no, you have to ask for what you want. Even the best partners are imperfect. THere is no fairy tale. You are going to fail to meet your bf's needs, and he will fail to meet your needs, at all moments. All you can do is say "I need more of this." You can even express anger over it and negativity, because good relationships work through that! To me it sounds like you are looking for reasons to justify a breakup because you are getting anxious. It is moving into the serious phase. That scares you. You have to commit, and you are not sure if you want to, because if you do, it might go for a longer haul, and you might get hurt.
Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Your own words this morning in another thread, Shadow: The only thing you should be afraid of is the very real chance that you could damage your relationship by not letting stuff like this go. Don't let your fears turn into self fufilling prophecies.
Author shadowplay Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Your own words this morning in another thread, Shadow: I know, I know. Sometimes I just find it so hard to practice what I preach. But I made a conscious decision earlier today that I would let this whole business go. He called me about an hour ago and we had a lovely conversation and I was thinking to myself "do I really want to put a pall on our relationship by bringing this stuff up?" I've decided if he repeats one of the aforementioned behaviors I'll point it out to him when it happens, but I don't think it makes sense to bring these things up after the fact. The only thing I might mention to him is that I'd like to see him for at least a day or two during one of the holidays. I think that's a pretty reasonable request.
Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I know, I know. Sometimes I just find it so hard to practice what I preach. I know, I know. I do it too. But I made a conscious decision earlier today that I would let this whole business go. He called me about an hour ago and we had a lovely conversation and I was thinking to myself "do I really want to put a pall on our relationship by bringing this stuff up?" I've decided if he repeats one of the aforementioned behaviors I'll point it out to him when it happens, but I don't think it makes sense to bring these things up after the fact. The only thing I might mention to him is that I'd like to see him for at least a day or two during one of the holidays. I think that's a pretty reasonable request. Good for you! And yes, I think a day or two is a reasonable request.
oppath Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Here is what you do...you tell him "It's really important to me that we celebrate the holidays together before we leave to see our families. I understand we'll both be busy, but it would be nice to do something special together for a day."
ahah2322 Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 hey shadow, i read your post and the ONLY thing that flashed across my mind is that you're EXTREMELY INSECURE and DISTRUSTFUL. the things you mentioned with regard to your bf are not anything grave or severe and i am unable to comprehend why you would read SO MUCH into it. if i may add, i would think that it is you who is not relationship-ready and savvy enough. i am sorry if it sounds harsh as berating was not my intention.
HeadlessZebra Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 A) If the guy is taking 5-hour bus trips to see you every weekend, you shouldn't even dare to complain if he doesn't properly announce his arrival time. Come on, now. B) The mini-crush thing is terrible. The only time anyone's allowed to announce a "mini-crush" is if it's a celebrity they've never met. I thought everyone knew that.
ahah2322 Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 i have hundreds of mini-crushes (yes, exaggerated, but you get my point) and i don't mind if my bf has any at all. he's cool enough to tell you about it which means he knows his boundaries. plus, it's only human to have mini-crushes... so long as you don't act on it.
lino Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Hi shadowplay IMO those reasons to consider breaking up aren't very fair. The one you said about him not telling you exactly when he'll be arriving after a 5 hr bus ride is very unfair. Especially if he's the one who's mostly making the trips, you should be thankful he's doing it! If I was in his position, taking a 5 hr bus ride to come see you(I wouldn't actually do this because I don't believe in LDRs), and detected you didn't appreciate it I'd really question whether I should remain your boyfriend. Sorry to sound harsh but I think you're being totally unreasonable and a real drama queen about this issue. The thing you said about him having a mini crush on some waitress is something I don't really understand. Does he simply think she's attractive? If so then I don't see a problem with that or him telling you about it but considering you are in a LDR and suffer from depression & anxiety I can see how it might bother you. If he does genuinely like her & brings it up often then that's different & IMO it's not right of him to do that. On what you said about the holidays I think you have a very valid point. I dunno anything about thanksgiving or how it works but at Christmas people should always make time to spend with their partner if they take the relationship seriously. This is definitely something you should talk about with him if it bothers you. Like someone else said though, it does seem that you're looking for reasons to leave this guy from the way you come across. Keep in mind I rarely initiate things with him, so I don't see how I could train him into changing his behavior. He just seems like a passive person. If you wanna try to train him then more than likely he isn't for you. Most guys aren't circus animals! See the thing is I feel like I shouldn't even have to tell a guy this stuff. I want a guy to do it without me having to ask.Maybe you should focus attention to training him how to read minds instead! Seriously, read out aloud to yourself what you have written above here and genuinely ask yourself if it's a reasonable expectation.
BlueEyedGirl Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Here are my thoughts. Realistically, none of those reasons listed are grounds for breaking up. However what comes across from your posts is that: a) You are uncomfortable with being happy. If there are no real problems, you need to invent some just to give yourself an excuse to be miserable. b) While on the surface your post seems like you don't care about this guy all that much, I think that actually you are terrfied of being hurt. So much so that you are almost willing to pull a plug on a good relationship to regain some sense of control. You are also overblowing his faults so that if he does break with you, you can tell yourself that he wasn't that good, kind of like a self defence mechanism. So it's not that you don't care about this guy, it's that you care too much and it's freaking you out. c) I don't see how you can have a really close realtionship with him if you contstanly keep those kinds of thoughts and worries to yourself. I'm afraid that you are continuing to build up resentment by having to constantly hide your insecurities so that at some point in the future it will all blow out and possibly REALLY damage the relationship. d) Have you considered Borderline Personality Disorder?
JCD Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 As a guy, out of respect for my g/f, I would never tell her that I had or am having a mini crush on someone. That is something I would tell my friend not my g/f.
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