Question for the Married Men who have cheated?

[Meaplus3]

I was wondering just when you met with the OW? Was it mostly during the daytime working hour's a late lunch thing? After work for a quickie? While traveling? Or perhap's golfing or beign involved in a sport that kept you away from the family home? Just curious.

 

AP:)

[cj1988]

Someone answer her ! I am curious to see the answers !

[Triarge]

Lunches mainly. Odd times at the weekend and the occasional evening. But I guess the answer can be made more generic and simplified by saying "any time we could get away with".

 

Nothing to be proud of, but you'd be surprised as to how 'creative' you can be in dreaming up an hour here or there.

[cj1988]

I can imagine.......how is an hour better than all night with your spouse? Is it the thrill or the chase? What is it? Do wife or husbands need to learn how to play hard to get again?

[Scrivdog]

I can imagine.......how is an hour better than all night with your spouse? Is it the thrill or the chase? What is it? Do wife or husbands need to learn how to play hard to get again?

 

Because the spouse, while she may be there all night, has zero interest in seeing the appearance of Mr. Purple. As a result the "all night" usually finishes with her falling asleep while watching CSI.

 

The OW, on the other hand, can't wait to get her hands on me. The hour is all out passionate sex with someone who is just as incredibly turned on as I am.

 

To answer your original question. Lunchtime is the heavyweight contender for the number one spot. There are the occasional night when you can make up a reasonable excuse.

[cj1988]

I guess I do not understand that at all. Why be married if you want all that with other people? Also, I am the aggressor in our relationship and he is the one that crashes after......I think about how other poeple would be in bed, BUT it is my H that I am with and enjoy him a lot as he does with me......I hear a lot of men say the same about the S and that is sad !

[Triarge]

I can imagine.......how is an hour better than all night with your spouse?

 

Its not..

 

Is it the thrill or the chase? What is it?

 

Dopamine I guess. We make (bad) irrational decisions based on the reward mechanism that this chemical provides. (According to research) A brand new partner briefly raises your dopamine more than sex with a familiar partner, however loving. It's short lived though and doesnt actually increase your overall wellbeing. Its a temporary fix. The OW/OM wont satisfy any more than your H/W and will and it will ultimately leave you feeling down as you come off the 'high'.

 

Do wife or husbands need to learn how to play hard to get again?

 

No I guess that wouldnt matter. The problem needs to be understood by the 'inflicted' and a concious control over it made. Its an addiction and needs to be treated like one.

 

I'm guessing that there might be people out there, guys and gals, who spend there whole lives feeding the rush. Swapping partners constantly in a never ending search for the ultimate high.

[Kasan]

Well, I really appreciate your honesty here. Are you in love with your OWs?

[Scrivdog]

I guess I do not understand that at all. Why be married if you want all that with other people? Also, I am the aggressor in our relationship and he is the one that crashes after......I think about how other poeple would be in bed, BUT it is my H that I am with and enjoy him a lot as he does with me......I hear a lot of men say the same about the S and that is sad !

 

Because that was not the original intent when some of us got married. At some point after the marriage the relationship becomes sexless for many men. It did for me.

 

At that point, I changed my outlook. I tried to fix things, but once I saw that didn't work. I went ahead and had an affair, then another, and so on.

[michaelk]

It seems we've got two lines of discussion going here, so I'll try to address both.

 

1. To the OP, we met whenever we could. A couple of hours during the work day at a 'long lunch', or after work when I was 'working late' or 'playing poker' with friends. We were constantly wanting each other, and everything else became secondary, so we made time even when it was very risky.

 

2. On the question of how it's better to have an hour with OW than a night with W, that's pretty simple. They're not the same person. My W was someone I had been with for nearly 20 years, had lost all romantic feelings for, and didn't even feel close to anymore. She focused all of her attention on the kids, while OW focused her attention on me. And yes, the sex with OW was great, and I'm sure dopamine played a role. But we fell in love long before we met face-to-face. I felt closer, more open and more connected with her than I ever did with my W. So while it may be appealing to write off affairs as 'the thrill of the chase' or whatever, that's not how it was for me.

 

And for anyone who's tempted to 'bash the cheater', none of this should be taken like I'm trying to justify what I did, or that I don't understand how badly I treated my W. We're in a much better place now than we ever have been, thanks to some very hard work.

[NoIDidn't]

My H doesn't post here, so I will answer for him. It was an EA and very short.

 

He basically called her during work as they worked together and he was always out in the field. I had no idea he had time to talk on the phone that much. In fact, he didn't and his job performance suffered because of it.

 

They had lunch together once before they had actually expressed having any feelings for each other. That's probably the day it really kicked into gear from flirtation to EA.

 

He had to work out of town one evening and lied about still being 30 minutes away ( I knew he was lying). He also had an evening with the boys lined up that same night, but he arrived late (they had been calling me to find out where he was or if he had changed his mind - this messed his plans up as he had called and told me he was already with them).

 

But basically like everyone else says, mostly during the working day and whenever he could manage to say he was "working late" or "stuck in traffic".

 

And no, I don't see any of these answers as justifying what was done. It is what it is. Its over and done now. Let's move forward.

 

Plus, I find the stories amusing (not in a bad way), but that was what we were like when we first started dating (long distance though). We decided to get back some of that excitement for us.

[cj1988]

Do not get me wrong I can see how SOME marriages can get into this rut, but no one can believe it when it happens to them. How is it always a shock or how can people say I thought we had a good marriage.

 

Hell I know mine is not and was not perfect, but I would never cheat, I would leave before I cheat.....sadly enough my H has the balls to tell me he would do the same....after I caught him in a definite EA if not both EA and PA, swears he has never cheated....but his biggest complaint for years was not enough sex.....not I am lonely and I want attention....

[Meaplus3]

It seems we've got two lines of discussion going here, so I'll try to address both.

 

1. To the OP, we met whenever we could. A couple of hours during the work day at a 'long lunch', or after work when I was 'working late' or 'playing poker' with friends. We were constantly wanting each other, and everything else became secondary, so we made time even when it was very risky.

 

2. On the question of how it's better to have an hour with OW than a night with W, that's pretty simple. They're not the same person. My W was someone I had been with for nearly 20 years, had lost all romantic feelings for, and didn't even feel close to anymore. She focused all of her attention on the kids, while OW focused her attention on me. And yes, the sex with OW was great, and I'm sure dopamine played a role. But we fell in love long before we met face-to-face. I felt closer, more open and more connected with her than I ever did with my W. So while it may be appealing to write off affairs as 'the thrill of the chase' or whatever, that's not how it was for me.

 

And for anyone who's tempted to 'bash the cheater', none of this should be taken like I'm trying to justify what I did, or that I don't understand how badly I treated my W. We're in a much better place now than we ever have been, thanks to some very hard work.

 

Thank's for the imput Michaelk this is such a GREAT post! Glad to hear you are taking the step's to heal your marriage, I can relate because I'm in the same place.

 

AP:)

[CallMeCrazy]

I was wondering just when you met with the OW? Was it mostly during the daytime working hour's a late lunch thing? After work for a quickie? While traveling? Or perhap's golfing or beign involved in a sport that kept you away from the family home? Just curious.

 

I'm the OW so I can answer on behalf of my MM.

 

We meet anytime and anywhere we can. Lunches, coffee, happy hour, dinner, football games, golf, the beach ~ etc. We have met at hotels, and (I'm not proud to admit it) we've been at each of our houses ~ basically anyplace you can think of. I am not involoved in a R with anyone else, so obviously I have no one to answer to. He makes excuses that he's with clients, or friends, working out; whatever. We generally travel with each other anytime either of us have to go out of town for business.

 

We almost NEVER ever get to see each other on Fridays and Saturdays though. He just can't quite seem to come up with an excuse....

 

I should also say that our relationship is far more than physical. Many times sex is not involved, we just sit and talk/laugh or maybe enjoy a glass of wine. His W is strongly against drinking of any sort...

[White Flower]

Is it OK for the OW to post here?

 

Early morning or lunch time. Never evenings or weekends, except one trip where I was squeezed in on his way home for about 24 hours. Usually while W has plans or many appointments in a row. He uses golf as an excuse or some charity events. I will never marry a golfer. They don't even keep their cell phones on during a "game".

[michaelk]

Thank's for the imput Michaelk this is such a GREAT post! Glad to hear you are taking the step's to heal your marriage, I can relate because I'm in the same place.

 

AP:)

 

You're welcome. And I'm glad to hear you're taking those same steps yourself.

[JustBreathe]

I'm a betrayed wife. But, I hope you won't mind if I interject and try to make this one point.

 

I wasted several years ruminating over what my husband did to no avail and have concluded that to try to make sense out of why the cheater's cheat is useless. Better to try to focus on healing yourself so you can move on from it.

 

Cheaters do not have the same mind set as people who don't cheat. They don't think or feel the same way we do. Try as we might, we simply won't ever understand because our values are very different from theirs. If you let yourself, you can go round and round for a very long time trying to make sense out of what to us is nonsensical or understand the logic behind the illogical or rationalize what we know is irrational. Comprehend the incomprehensible. You will never be able to fully understand it or know exactly why or when your husband did it. You don't think in the same way. He is incapable of feeling love in the same way you are. Even with alot of work, he most likely won't ever get it completely. It's more like Pavlov's dog. They learn to cheat means pain so they stop in order to avoid the pain. Doesn't mean they can honestly love and be completely commited to one person despite the usual hardships one encounters when they're married for years.

 

You don't go sleeping around because sex is boring. You do it because your sense of right and wrong is broken and something is missing inside you.

[White Flower]

I'm a betrayed wife. But, I hope you won't mind if I interject and try to make this one point.

 

I wasted several years ruminating over what my husband did to no avail and have concluded that to try to make sense out of why the cheater's cheat is useless. Better to try to focus on healing yourself so you can move on from it.

 

Cheaters do not have the same mind set as people who don't cheat. They don't think or feel the same way we do. Try as we might, we simply won't ever understand because our values are very different from theirs. If you let yourself, you can go round and round for a very long time trying to make sense out of what to us is nonsensical or understand the logic behind the illogical or rationalize what we know is irrational. Comprehend the incomprehensible. You will never be able to fully understand it or know exactly why or when your husband did it. You don't think in the same way. He is incapable of feeling love in the same way you are. Even with alot of work, he most likely won't ever get it completely. It's more like Pavlov's dog. They learn to cheat means pain so they stop in order to avoid the pain. Doesn't mean they can honestly love and be completely commited to one person despite the usual hardships one encounters when they're married for years.

 

You don't go sleeping around because sex is boring. You do it because your sense of right and wrong is broken and something is missing inside you.

I understand most of what you say here, except that you divided everyone right down the middle. Cheaters on the left-noncheaters on the right. But where do I fit in? I had one affair after 25 years of monogomy. I fell in love and it hurts like hell. I have learned a very hard lesson and now am ending the A. I will never do it again because it hurt ME too much.

 

I think you might be talking about serial cheaters? Ones who are looking for the quick fix of someone new?

[Virgo1982]

I understand most of what you say here, except that you divided everyone right down the middle. Cheaters on the left-noncheaters on the right. But where do I fit in? I had one affair after 25 years of monogomy. I fell in love and it hurts like hell. I have learned a very hard lesson and now am ending the A. I will never do it again because it hurt ME too much.

 

I think you might be talking about serial cheaters? Ones who are looking for the quick fix of someone new?

 

I think she has a point. Serial cheater or no serial cheater.

 

Old Outlook

I looked at different relationships and saw that marriage and LTR's were nothing like what I was taught to believe they were. I always wanted to make others happy and expected the same in return. Then, it got a point where I didn't want to give and I sure didn't expect. As I matured, I was able to strike a balance. IOW, becoming an OW was a result of selfishness on my part. I don't think cheaters and non-cheaters can be split just like that. But I believe that those who cheat or enable cheating are being selfish at that time. You wouldn't have married a person who couldn't think of your needs or didn't share your values, morals.

 

Just like the BS who turns around and cheats on the WS. That person is not thinking about the relationship either because they understand that it wasn't important to the WS. Selfishness is at the route of infidelity. However, I don't see the value in cheating anymore-whether you get the MM/MW or not. I refuse to look down on anyone who's in one, because I was in an affair at one time.

 

 

New Outlook

Get off the fence and grow some balls. Acknowledge and fix your faults, and/or leave person who is not willing to acknowledge or change theirs. If they really care, they'll make the necessary changes. If they don't, who needs them. They've certainly shown they don't need you!

[White Flower]

Originally posted by Virgo1982>

New Outlook

Get off the fence and grow some balls. Acknowledge and fix your faults, and/or leave person who is not willing to acknowledge or change theirs. If they really care, they'll make the necessary changes. If they don't, who needs them. They've certainly shown they don't need you!

________________________________________________________________

 

Great post Virgo!

[Virgo1982]

Originally posted by Virgo1982>

New Outlook

Get off the fence and grow some balls. Acknowledge and fix your faults, and/or leave person who is not willing to acknowledge or change theirs. If they really care, they'll make the necessary changes. If they don't, who needs them. They've certainly shown they don't need you!

________________________________________________________________

 

Great post Virgo!

 

Thanks.

 

Most situations/solutions are very simple, but our feelings make them very complex.

[Meaplus3]

Originally posted by Virgo1982>

New Outlook

Get off the fence and grow some balls. Acknowledge and fix your faults, and/or leave person who is not willing to acknowledge or change theirs. If they really care, they'll make the necessary changes. If they don't, who needs them. They've certainly shown they don't need you!

________________________________________________________________

 

Great post Virgo!

 

I'll second that!

[abeliever]

WF- I was easily annoyed by you at first. I must say my ability to listen and have compassion for others and watching your posts have soften me on you! (oh I'm not crushin on you I am strickly a man's women) You

have come a long way from when I came on here to where you are today. I congrat you on this. I really look forward to reading your posts.

 

I am still not sure about the cheaters vs non cheaters being the same? They really are not. Although there were times in my M I was unhappy or bored or thought maybe I am not to be married to this man. I never said to myself hey you its your life do what you want. I do believe there IS a true belief that one does and simply one doesn't do this type of thing. Now I am in no way saying we are better than a cheater. As I said many times I will always say....we are just DIFFERENT!

 

But have I learned from cheaters mistakes on here and been even moved by their stories. Absolutely! I continue to stay open and maybe my view will change (don't hold your breathe)! But I am learning, I will never be a person who believes they know everything. I will be 90 yrs old and still believe I am here on earth to learn and grow. So as I always say, I am work in progress. I just hope to experience some peace, love and happiness along the journey.

 

abeliever

[White Flower]

WF- I was easily annoyed by you at first. I must say my ability to listen and have compassion for others and watching your posts have soften me on you! (oh I'm not crushin on you I am strickly a man's women) You

have come a long way from when I came on here to where you are today. I congrat you on this. I really look forward to reading your posts.

 

I am still not sure about the cheaters vs non cheaters being the same? They really are not. Although there were times in my M I was unhappy or bored or thought maybe I am not to be married to this man. I never said to myself hey you its your life do what you want. I do believe there IS a true belief that one does and simply one doesn't do this type of thing. Now I am in no way saying we are better than a cheater. As I said many times I will always say....we are just DIFFERENT!

 

But have I learned from cheaters mistakes on here and been even moved by their stories. Absolutely! I continue to stay open and maybe my view will change (don't hold your breathe)! But I am learning, I will never be a person who believes they know everything. I will be 90 yrs old and still believe I am here on earth to learn and grow. So as I always say, I am work in progress. I just hope to experience some peace, love and happiness along the journey.

 

abeliever

Thanks abeliever,

 

I thank you for not only noticing, but for saying it. Sometimes it is hard to admit we like something about someone when we have differences.

 

I was once a person who saw things in black and white; cheater vs noncheater. Then I took a few punches so to speak and sought something kinder, gentler. The only comfort I found was MM.

 

I am a work in progress, too. I still have a hard time calling myself a "cheater" because like I said I was giving myself something I felt my H had cheated out of me. I was looking for kindness, compassion, sensitivity and respect from MM. It went a year with it not being a PA. I could continue forever without the P part of the A and so could he. But I know the desire would be there and we cannot continue like this. I know I will be flamed for not accepting the cheating label, but that's how I still feel.

 

I am ending it mostly because of me. I have needs. I have been neglected at home emotionally and I have been neglected by MM as well. It is time I focus on me. Once I become myself again, I can be free to find true love--if I even need it then.

 

Thanks, sweetie.

[abeliever]

WF- I have no doubt whatsoever you WILL find your place and be the person YOU want to be. Accepting what you know is not right and being bold enough to make the change to do better, is what real growth is all about! I truly wish you nothing but happiness. I AM proud of you for ending the A and looking out for the best R you can have that is true and honest. That is what we all want. I hope you get it!

 

Much love.

abeliever