oh god i saw a picture of him

[sedgwick]

By accident. I did something HORRIBLE. I looked at the myspace page of the girl I thought maybe he liked. He wasn't in her top friends, there weren't any comments from him. Her band is in the top friends of his band but he's not on hers personally (I DID NOT look at his!!) So that sort of put my mind to rest about that, BUT...the ex's band's booking agent had posted a comment announcing their CD release party, and there was a picture of him. This little shrunken down version of the album cover, and I stared at it like a deer in headlights and my heart pounded.

 

I walked out the door and halfway down the street I started crying. He was laughing in the picture and I thought, he's having a great time, he's laughing, he's totally forgotten about me, his life is great now that I'm not in it anymore. I had my author photos taken yesterday and there's one where I'm laughing, when of course I'm dying inside over him, so WHY COULDN'T IT BE that he's hurting too? Oh my god, this just hurts so much. I miss him so much. I remember all the stupid little things we used to do together, and how I used to look at him onstage and think, "he's coming home with me," and how I felt so lucky. And now...we don't speak.

 

Of course I have had him blocked for almost three months now. So he COULD have tried to contact me. I've been saying, I'm not hard to find, he could come to my apartment or send me flowers or SOMETHING. Write a letter. Make an effort beyond phone/email/myspace. I've been chanting "If he loved me he'd do it" like a mantra. But now all I want to do is send him a text message that just says, "I love you."

 

God, stop me. This is agonizing. I've never loved anyone like this, ever. I want to give my whole heart and brain and body and soul and all my love and joy to this man and he won't take it because I'm not a musician.

[randuff]

The only problem is I STILL talk to my ex.... EVERY DAY!!!! I know she doesn't want me in any capacity more than friends yet I still torture myself. When I flat asked her, what do you want from me? She responded without hesitation : friends...

 

She tells me that I am the most important thing in her life and hearing those words keep me hanging on to hope. I know it is hard, I really do but I think both of us just need to try and move on. So easy to say and type yet so difficult to do.

 

Sometimes I want to go out and meet someone just for a booty call thinking that may get me over it (the physical) but I don't even want to put forth the energy to get a little *%#%.... How pathetic. Problem with me is that I don't really have friends that I can go and hang out with to pass the time.

 

Hang in there and one day the both of us will look back and think 'WTF was I doing!'

 

R

[sderenzi]

I can already suggest to you a course of action.

 

This is clearly the same situation I've encountered, what you have here are 2 choices.

 

1. Break off relations with her, do so in a way you are comfortable with and one which wouldn't give her the opportunity to change her mind. You are not the most important thing in the world to her otherwise you'd be screwing her, instead you're pouting.

 

Be warned without many friends you'll end up alone and miserable, however you must ask yourself which is the worse misery being near her but only a friend or being utterly alone?!

 

2. Stay a friend and try to move beyond it, this is something I could not do because my weakness was to desire said female sexually. I broke it off and was able to feel better later, although I still wanna screw her sometimes. This option is difficult but you must be careful if you stay friends, this girl will know you desire her unconsiously and may begin asking very boyfriendish things of you, avoid this at all costs. You are not a boyfriend so don't act like one if she needs your help, etc. Tell her you are merely a casual friend and don't intend to use your time etc. if she needs you to loan money, drive her around, etc. Say you can go to the mall or stuff and hang together, make sure it's not 1 sided.

 

This is my suggestions to you

[carrotgirl]

God, stop me. This is agonizing. I've never loved anyone like this, ever. I want to give my whole heart and brain and body and soul and all my love and joy to this man and he won't take it because I'm not a musician.

I'm not a god but I hereby wish you the will to stop. It's agonizing watching you twist over this non musician thing. SED! This isn't the reason he broke up with you as many cast off musicians who dated musicians will attest!

 

If you must make contact, I recommend e-mail not text or a phone call and have something to share that's not I love you. There isn't any response to I love you that's acceptable other than I love you too, so that's just a sad trick you'd be playing on yourself.

 

But Sed? You're cyber stalking? Please stop.

 

Carrot

[sedgwick]

No no no...I didn't look at his page. I just looked at hers. Haven't seen his band's page, his myspace, his website, etc. Nothing of his. He could go look at his myspace tracker to see who's viewed his page and I would NOT be on there, not since before July 16, when he dumped me.

 

I miss him so much though. It's just killing me that I can't be a musician so I can just be in his life still. If I was a musician he might give a sh*t about me. Last night I went to dance class and left 15 minutes early because I felt so stupid being in there dancing, because...it's not music. I haven't written since I've been home from Mexico, because...it's not music. It just seems like everything I do is so insignificant in comparison to what he does, and it embarrasses me.

 

At least I'm starting a new job this weekend, teaching knitting and crochet at a yarn store. So that's something I love. I just hope I can view it as having some kind of worth even though it's not fiddle and banjo music. Everything I do with my life just seems so silly and worthless now that I know that's how he saw it all along.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Wow, he's really done a number on you.

 

I would be willing to bet an arm that, even if you were a musician, he still would have wanted out. I wish you would stop clinging to that. That was just his excuse, it wasn't the real reason.

[randuff]

If you were a musician the excuse would be, "I want to date a writer!"

[Cobra_X30]

 

and how I used to look at him onstage and think, "he's coming home with me," and how I felt so lucky. And now...we don't speak.

 

Percentage wise... guys in bands really suck.

 

Its 90% douchebags. Complete losers, yet girls throw themselves all over them. Something I will never ever understand.

 

Feel luck you got out! Dont make the mistake again.

[sedgwick]

It almost hurts worse when people say that what he said was just an excuse, and that he'd have wanted out no matter what. We NEVER fought. We had a great time together. When we first met he was still getting over his ex, but once we started dating, he said he felt way more of a connection with me, and that he'd never met anyone with whom he had so much in common. We used to get lost driving home from places because we couldn't stop talking. It was the best sex I've ever had, and he regularly said the same. Everything just seemed so good. We were together for a year, and then one day he just bailed. I was SO good to him. I made the biggest effort I've ever made to be the best possible version of myself. I cooked for him, knitted for him, gave him massages all the time. I never said one word about his being so busy. So then what was i doing wrong? What was the REAL reason he dumped me? What was wrong with me? It's just killing me trying to figure it out. I've been trying nonstop for four months now.

[randuff]

And you will drive yourself absolutely insane trying to figure it out. And then if you ever do get him to tell you the reason for the break it probably won't be entirely the truth.

 

At least this is the way I feel because I think that is what's going on in my case...

 

Sucks but we have to let it go and deal with it.... I am telling you this because I need to heed my own advice.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Most people never really know why. I still don't know why. And the reasons I was given still don't make sense to me.

 

But I've learned that true closure comes from within. If you're looking for another person to provide it to you, you're unlikely to get it on the level that you would like. Even though I got an apology and some sort of explanation, I still don't understand how my STBXH could just check out on a marriage as quickly as he did and never look back. The truth is that he probably doesn't know why either.

 

It could be any number of things. Maybe he really didn't grieve his previous relationship. Maybe the lack of fighting wasn't a good thing (was he conflict avoidant? If he was, then he was probably unhappy for awhile and didn't say anything). As much as we wrack our brains trying to come up with a coherent reason, NONE of the reasons are going to be satisifying to us when the situation just doesn't seem to make any sense at all.

 

You have to find closure within yourself, for yourself.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Also, I think by clinging to the "he dumped me because I wasn't a musician" it keeps you locked in your healing process. You can tell yourself "Well hey, if I just learn an instrument and become a musician, we can be together." I don't think your mind or heart wants to accept that isn't the reason, but the reality is that even if you became a musican, it's still over.

 

I have to say that reasoning is also extremely shallow and superficial. It's ridiculous. I think if you had only known him a few weeks, then you would have just laughed at him and allowed him to run, not walk, to the land of insignificance inside your brain. Obviously, you need to grieve and heal, but by focusing so much on those words and this bogus reason, you're trapped in your healing process. The truth is that it probably doesn't have anything to do with you, it's part of his complex reasoning process and by being so focused on "why," you'll only continue to drive yourself crazy.

[MattyTee]

It almost hurts worse when people say that what he said was just an excuse, and that he'd have wanted out no matter what. We NEVER fought. We had a great time together. When we first met he was still getting over his ex, but once we started dating, he said he felt way more of a connection with me, and that he'd never met anyone with whom he had so much in common. We used to get lost driving home from places because we couldn't stop talking. It was the best sex I've ever had, and he regularly said the same. Everything just seemed so good. We were together for a year, and then one day he just bailed. I was SO good to him. I made the biggest effort I've ever made to be the best possible version of myself. I cooked for him, knitted for him, gave him massages all the time. I never said one word about his being so busy. So then what was i doing wrong? What was the REAL reason he dumped me? What was wrong with me? It's just killing me trying to figure it out. I've been trying nonstop for four months now.

 

 

 

Hey Sed,

 

I'm sorry to hear that things are so tough for you. I've followed your story for a little while but wasn't sure if I had anything to offer to help.

 

When I read this I just wanted to say a few things because part of your struggle is similar to something I've had to go through.

 

The chase for understanding is an endless quest that is just going to cause you more pain. If he had left for another woman, or he had left because you were too good to him, would that make it better? You would still feel the same pain, you would still be upset, you still wouldn't be with him.

 

What you really need Sed, is to reach some acceptance of what has happened. It's not easy and I'm sure that me telling you that I've been through what you are going through won't make it any easier. For me, it took me pushing and pushing until finally my ex came out and said "I don't love you any more", she said that the relationship of eight years had been bad for her and that things had ended for her before she broke up with me. It wasn't until then that I realised it didn't matter what the reason she broke up with me actually was! How did I realise it? When she said those things to me I didn't want to believe her and I thought well, what if she's lying, would it change anything, would it change my situation. Whether I found the truth or not the fact is she isn't with me and doesn't want to be with me. Finding that truth doesn't change that. I can't magically fix whatever it is that caused her to leave, she has gone.

 

It's about bringing yourself into the present, at the moment you are living in your past and torturing yourself with it. This is what has happened and all you can do is accept, that is the hard truth. I promise you, understanding is a slippery fish that you shall never catch.

 

When I read your posts I feel a deep sadness because I see a wonderfully giving person who is torturing herself so very much. Sed, a lot of people have said this to you and I'm certain that me saying it isn't going to change anything but you have a great deal going for you. I can see that you just don't believe that. You are looking to put the blame on him leaving squarely on your own shoulders, you are feeling that you must have done something wrong or even worse it's because of something to do with your very core person. That shows a low self-esteem.

 

Turn that energy you are using to chase this understanding around, focus it on you. Live in the now, accept what has happened (as much as it hurts - and believe me I know) and control the only thing that you can control, your own actions. You have a chance now to re-discover yourself, to learn to like you, to love you. You have a lot to offer, we can all see that but it isn't us you need to hear it from, it's you!

 

I don't if you are know spiritual or religious but this is a chance to turn this around. This has happened, perhaps you can look at it another way. What can you learn from this? How can you embrace what has happened and grow as a person? Rather than being a victim take your power back and face it, take control. Say to yourself "Yes, this is a shi**y thing to happen, possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. How can I learn from this? How can I grow?". Thank the Universe / God / Fate for handing you this 'gift'. When you take the power back the situation will begin to lose its control over you.

 

I hope at least something I've said helps Sed, if it doesn't know that I am wishing you the best (along with many other people on here) and I will pray for you. That strength is somewhere inside you, it is only a matter of time until you find it.

 

Be well.

[RecordProducer]

But now all I want to do is send him a text message that just says, "I love you."

 

God, stop me.

Goddess is stopping you: DO NOT DO THAT!

 

This is agonizing.

I am sorry, but you'll survive. A broken love is always hard (we've all been there), but when the water clears up, you'll find that he was not all that great. I promise. In two years or less you'll be like new.

 

I want to give my whole heart and brain and body and soul and all my love and joy to this man and he won't take it

Doesn't this prove that he doesn't deserve it?

 

because I'm not a musician.

Nah! That's not why.

[MotherGooze]

I made the biggest effort I've ever made to be the best possible version of myself. I cooked for him, knitted for him, gave him massages all the time. I never said one word about his being so busy. So then what was i doing wrong?

 

 

And what he do for you, did he also put an effort in it? I'm a musician myself, and dated a lot of musicians, but I don't care if my date or my boyfriend IS! You'll just have to accept it, that it's over, not because you are not a musician, but because it didn't work out.Stop asking yourself what you did wrong, as I can see, you were the best girlfriend a guy can have . He's not worthed, he's the one making the mistakes of letting you go, and he doesn't realise it, so I'm sorry, you have to move on. It won't be easy to begin with, but if you can learn to accept, that it wasn't your fault, the time of healing can begin.

[AriaIncognito]

I just got home from my gig. I too am a musician. I have never ever broken it off with a guy because he wasn't a musician. Matter of fact, I think having 2, unless you're in the same band, would be too hard because you'd hardly see one another due to differing gig schedules.

 

Anyway, unfortunately, it was a tangible excuse. It's a lot easier to say "you're not a musician" than it is to say "you just aren't the one". Sometimes people want to give a more tangible reason so that it feels easier or less complicated.

 

As many others have said on this thread, if he was worth all this energy you're putting into him, then he'd never have left in the first place. I know how badly it hurts. My ex walked away 5 months ago. I don't really have a concrete reason other than he was "conflicted" over me. (very cryptic if you ask me). What I do know, is no amount of my pining for him or feeling sorry for myself, is going to bring him back to me, or bring any potential new man to me.

 

It's great that you are doing the class, it will be something to boost your self esteem, as it's something you enjoy doing and you'll be helping others. It really does help to do things that boost your ego, in a time like this. I'm very grateful that I have the band as a distraction for me. I'm glad you've found a distraction too.

 

I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling better about things. :-)

[funkybassplayer]

Percentage wise... guys in bands really suck.

 

Its 90% douchebags. Complete losers, yet girls throw themselves all over them. Something I will never ever understand.

 

Feel luck you got out! Dont make the mistake again.

 

 

 

eer excuse me what gives you the right to say that? i supported 3 kids, an ex with tons of issues and long distance relationship and my gigs, so i would like to know what gives you the right to say that? im interested.

 

 

Seg. If you were a muso, a window cleaner, or a builder, he would have still left you. Hes gone, and having fun, you have to move on. at the moment your doing nothing by keeping yourself hanging on to hope. Let go of him, if its to be then it will, but you have to get yourself in a better place. You have to let go of the dream, and live the reality that now is.

[cant let go]

oh sedg,

 

my heart goes out to you. you are such a wonderful person and it is clear that you gave all of yourself to that relationship. when I read your posts i want to reach out and hug you. you are such a strong and independent woman with so much to give. you must love yourself for who you are. i have so many unanswered questions just as you do. the most important thing that you must must must believe is that it is not that you aren't good enough for him. it is that he was not ready to love someone in such a non-selfish, forgiving, unconditional way.

 

are you spending time with friends? are you doing things that make you happy? are you becoming any more spiritual? Matty left a good post with some really good advice. try and connect with yourself and leave his issues with him. most importantly you must come to the realization that no matter what his reasons were for breaking up with you, no matter what he told you, it is not about you.

 

when you love someone the way that we do, it can never been our fault. it is not your fault that he couldn't come to love you in that way, it is a result of his own issues that he must face. i see such strong similarities in our situation and i truly hope that you are doing better today.

[sedgwick]

Thank you so much, CLG. Yes, I spend lots of time with friends; I have lots of amazing people in my life, and I adore them. Yes, I exercise. Don't see my family much because they live 2000 miles away (as it should be.) And I really do appreciate the kind words. They mean a lot.

 

Why do so many smart women pine for unavailable men? I mean...okay. He and I went to school in the same subject. He has a bachelor's, I have a master's. And yet I spend SO much time worrying that I just wasn't smart enough for him. Why? Why do I do this? Why is it that everything has to be MY FAULT? God, I HATE this!

[MattyTee]

I'm chasing you around the boards tonight

 

You are stuck in victim mode... Why does everything have to be your fault? Because you make it so! It is that simple.

 

Why do you feel this way? Well, I can't know for sure but perhaps it stems from a time in childhood when you were hurt and couldn't do anything about it. As young children we believe two things:

 

- That we are the center of the universe

- That anything that happens is our fault (because we are the center of the universe)

 

In a sense you are viewing this from a child's point of view (no insult meant there, I think lots of people do this) - you have no control over anything, you got hurt and so it must be your fault.

 

I'm saying this because this is what I'm talking about with my therapist right now. I appreciate you might read this and think "What a crock!" and if so, well fair enough I'm just throwing ideas (and experience) out there to see if anything catches for you.

 

Be well Sed