I need to know I'm doing the right thing....

[Brokenbutterfly]

I'm leaving my husband for a multitude of reasons and although I know that I HAVE to leave, I am not leaving until after the holidays, so until then I need reassurance.

 

I have no access to the checking account.

 

If I need money I have to ask him, and then account for EVERY PENNY.

 

I'm still wearing maternity clothes (the youngest turns one next month) because he refuses to give me money for clothes.

 

I had a breast reduction for medical reasons, and had a lot of complications including a life threatening infection. Today when Kanye West's mom died my husband said "Well that's what happens when you're selfish" WTF? Not only that, but I dealt with the infections by myself, he didn't help me with the children and went hunting.

 

Speaking of hunting....he hunts from September to January...I mean absolutely NO time spent with me or the kids.

 

He has gotten so drunk he hasn't come home more than 4 times in the past two years, 3 out of 4 times I was pregnant and had premature labor scares.

He's an alcoholic, if he's not working or hunting he's drinking. I'm so tired of being alone and hoping he'll come home that it's better I'm alone with no hope for him coming home.

 

He made almost $70,000 last year, but both of our cars were repossessed and we live in a 1981 trailer home. I've fallen through the floor, our bathtub has duct tape sealing the cracks. But he owns a 1970 Chevelle, a 4 wheeler, and two snowmobiles, not to mention a Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo and a 91 Toyota pickup. I drive a van with 180,000 miles on it.

 

He's emotionally and verbally abusive.

 

I can do this....I know I can.

[Moose]

Wow.....you just brought back ALOT of memories!!

 

Marriage counceling is not going to work for you, or him. Start with ALANON if you haven't already. Bring the kids, they'll have plenty there to do for them.

 

15 years ago, Mrs. Moose and I were exactly in the same boat as you two are in now! (Except I didn't hunt.....just worked and drank)

 

I know you'll have specific questions, so I won't babble on about our experience, I'll just let you fire off a few......

 

I have some for you too. How many little ones, what does your husband do for a living, and what ages are you all? (no need to mention specific names or places)

[Brokenbutterfly]

2 little ones, my daughter is 2 and my son is 11 months. He's a Union boilermaker and works out of town a lot. I'm 24 and he is 30....we've been married 5 years.

[Moose]

The man doesn't realize what he has right now. Please understand this. His alcoholism isn't an exuse, but it is a hinderance in his life right now.

 

Being a boiler maker, (union at that), is hard physical work. I'm only guessing here, but does he suffer any kind of chronic pain? Particularly the back? Is he on any medication(s) at all?

 

I ask because your story is so parallel to others Mrs. Moose and I have helped in the past, let alone our own!

 

What about his side of the family? Your side? Get along ok? Go to Church at all?

 

I'm only guessing again, but you probably don't work, and he probably doesn't want you to?

[Brokenbutterfly]

He has broken his neck twice and so he does have chronic pain and nerve damage. He isn't on any medication, unless he's stealing it from my purse. his mother is married to my uncle, so it's safe to say our families get along rather well. Both of his brothers, their wives, his sister, his stepmom, AND his dad have told me it's time to cut my losses and leave. He won't change, doesn't believe in counseling, doesn't believe in church and tells me he is doing NOTHING wrong. I've given him chance after chance and he says he'll change, but it's never happened.

[Moose]

Yep.....dead on....so far....

 

Do you work outside of the home?

 

How do you feel about individual counceling, (ALANON)?

 

How do you feel about attending a Church?

[Tripper]

Sorry for your situation and the pain. In reading your post I got the feeling your H doesn't want to be married. He wants to live a single lifestyle without consideration for you and your kids. And the alcohol isn't helping.

 

He may have chronic pain from his injuries and the general work he does, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you. Alcoholics don't stop until they suffer some sort of traumatic loss... job, family or maybe their life.

 

When you leave do you have somewhere to go?? Do you have a support system??

[Brokenbutterfly]

I do work outside the home, and am about to start a full time job (I applied knowing that I was leaving him.)

 

I won't attend outside counseling, I grew up with a strong understanding of alcoholism and know that it is a disease and not everything he does is personally directed AT me. I didn't finish school but I had 2 semesters of psychology.

 

I do attend church and have talked to my clergy about it. I knew it was over when he finally said "Kasey, I can't condone you be treated like this anymore."

[Brokenbutterfly]

Sorry for your situation and the pain. In reading your post I got the feeling your H doesn't want to be married. He wants to live a single lifestyle without consideration for you and your kids. And the alcohol isn't helping.

 

He may have chronic pain from his injuries and the general work he does, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you. Alcoholics don't stop until they suffer some sort of traumatic loss... job, family or maybe their life.

 

When you leave do you have somewhere to go?? Do you have a support system??

 

I do have a support system, as of right now I don't have a place of my own, but I DO have a place to go for several months. (A friend has a 5 bedroom apartment and is using 3 of them.)

[Brokenbutterfly]

This is what I'm asking in the divorce, as at this point I am not willing to reconcile, but I don't wish to take him to the cleaners.

 

In exchange for taking all debt accrued within the marriage unto himself I relinquish all claim to:

 

The house and land assessed at $43,300 (EFMV is $71,000)

1970 Chevelle

1993 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo

1991 Toyota T100

4 wheeler

2 Snowmobiles

All home furnishings and contents EXCLUDING:

 

Computer and desk, bookcase, microwave, my rifles, crockpot, dishes, pictures/portraits, children's toys (Divided in half), my clothes, children's clothes, my cameras, my DVDs, the 2000 Plymouth Van, and all personal affects (jewelry, jewelry boxes)

 

Child custody~

 

Shared custody with Sole Legal placement. John will have visitation on request as he doesn't have a set work schedule, but he must take them one weekend a month.

 

No drinking within a 12 hour period before picking them up.

No drinking while in custody of them.

If found to be drinking while children are in your custody, supervised visitation will be enforced.

They MUST be in appropriate, properly installed, safely used carseats.

Sawyer must rearface in John's vehicle until he is forward facing in mine.

Timber must be in a 5 point harness until 65lbs, or a torso height of 17".

Child safety seats must not be expired, recalled, or secondhand.

John must keep insurance on the children, and pay all medical and dental bills.

If John pays for half of the yearly daycare costs he may claim one child on his taxes. If he does not, then I will be claiming both.

 

Custody Holiday Schedule~

 

Easter weekend~ Since I attend church and John does not I request them for this holiday.

Thanksgiving~ John's family celebrates Thanksgiving on that day. I request the children on the Friday after as that's when my family celebrates.

Christmas~ My family celebrates the Saturday before Christmas and Christmas Day. John may have the children Christmas Eve every year, and on even years keep them until 10am on Christmas morning. On Odd years I will pick them up at 9pm Christmas Eve night.

Father's Day weekend~ John

Mother's Day weekend~ Me

Birthdays~ It is my wish that we can share custody on these days, but if it is not possible Even years they will stay with me, Odd years with John.

Child support~

 

$700.00 a month. I base this off of his low range monthly salary of $2100 a month. His salary can be up to $5000 a month. (Based off of last year's salary I could collect $1200 a month.) Add $200 a month if he's willing to pay half of childcare.

[Moose]

That's great that you have somewhere to go, and a job lining up, (possibly)....

 

I can't dismiss the fact that your so resentful towards alcoholics...

 

It could be that your husband is self medicating......?

 

Good to hear that you have clergy to go to as well.....

[Moose]

This is what I'm asking in the divorce, as at this point I am not willing to reconcile, but I don't wish to take him to the cleaners.

 

In exchange for taking all debt accrued within the marriage unto himself I relinquish all claim to:

 

The house and land assessed at $43,300 (EFMV is $71,000)

1970 Chevelle

1993 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo

1991 Toyota T100

4 wheeler

2 Snowmobiles

All home furnishings and contents EXCLUDING:

 

Computer and desk, bookcase, microwave, my rifles, crockpot, dishes, pictures/portraits, children's toys (Divided in half), my clothes, children's clothes, my cameras, my DVDs, the 2000 Plymouth Van, and all personal affects (jewelry, jewelry boxes)

 

Child custody~

 

Shared custody with Sole Legal placement. John will have visitation on request as he doesn't have a set work schedule, but he must take them one weekend a month.

 

No drinking within a 12 hour period before picking them up.

No drinking while in custody of them.

If found to be drinking while children are in your custody, supervised visitation will be enforced.

They MUST be in appropriate, properly installed, safely used carseats.

Sawyer must rearface in John's vehicle until he is forward facing in mine.

Timber must be in a 5 point harness until 65lbs, or a torso height of 17".

Child safety seats must not be expired, recalled, or secondhand.

John must keep insurance on the children, and pay all medical and dental bills.

If John pays for half of the yearly daycare costs he may claim one child on his taxes. If he does not, then I will be claiming both.

 

Custody Holiday Schedule~

 

Easter weekend~ Since I attend church and John does not I request them for this holiday.

Thanksgiving~ John's family celebrates Thanksgiving on that day. I request the children on the Friday after as that's when my family celebrates.

Christmas~ My family celebrates the Saturday before Christmas and Christmas Day. John may have the children Christmas Eve every year, and on even years keep them until 10am on Christmas morning. On Odd years I will pick them up at 9pm Christmas Eve night.

Father's Day weekend~ John

Mother's Day weekend~ Me

Birthdays~ It is my wish that we can share custody on these days, but if it is not possible Even years they will stay with me, Odd years with John.

Child support~

 

$700.00 a month. I base this off of his low range monthly salary of $2100 a month. His salary can be up to $5000 a month. (Based off of last year's salary I could collect $1200 a month.) Add $200 a month if he's willing to pay half of childcare.

Wow....you've really thought this through haven't you....I'd say your mind is made up already......why are you even here?

 

To answer your original question, (now that you've dropped all of this in our laps).....in my opinion, unless you have proof he's been unfaithful, or he's physically abusive to your or the little ones, you're not doing the right thing.

[Brokenbutterfly]

My husband comes from a long line of alcoholics. Both of his accidents were alcohol related, not to mention countless other accidents/fender benders he's had. His brother was killed by a drunk driver. My grandmother was killed by a drunk driver. I'm enabling him by staying, and I can't do it anymore. I don't resent people that drink responsibly, I've been known to imbibe occasionally, but would NEVER drive after doing so.

 

When my daughter was 3 months old I went back to work (I was a bartender.) I came home one night to find him passed out on the floor and my daughter screaming because she fell out of her swing. He quite drinking for 1.5 months.....he fell off the wagon, and from the looks of it was left in the dust. I stayed because he never put my children at risk again.....until a couple weeks ago. He was supposed to pick my van up at work to go pick up the children at his mother's. He never showed up so I called her and she was going to let him toss them in the truck with just seatbelts on. NOT HAPPENING. Then when I asked if he'd been drinking he said "I only had...like....3." NO FRICKING WAY!

[Brokenbutterfly]

Wow....you've really thought this through haven't you....I'd say your mind is made up already......why are you even here?

 

To answer your original question, (now that you've dropped all of this in our laps).....in my opinion, unless you have proof he's been unfaithful, or he's physically abusive to your or the little ones, you're not doing the right thing.

 

Wait? So what you're saying is that I should let him be verbally and emotionally abusive and let my children grow up to think it's ok? I should let my daughter think it's ok to let a man control her, and tell her she's garbage? I should let my son think that it's ok to buy toys, but not give his wife enough money for diapers and essential clothing? Please tell me that is not what you're saying.

[Brokenbutterfly]

Wow....you've really thought this through haven't you....I'd say your mind is made up already......why are you even here?

 

To answer your original question, (now that you've dropped all of this in our laps).....in my opinion, unless you have proof he's been unfaithful, or he's physically abusive to your or the little ones, you're not doing the right thing.

 

I'm sorry, excuse me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the little explanation at the top of the screen say "Thinking of separating? GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE?"

 

I came here because a friend of mine told me there would be people here that have been in my situation, and that would help me when he pulls out the "I'm going to kill myself if you leave" card. Do you know what it's like to have that hanging over your head? Don't you think you would need someone to stand behind you? It's hard when our friends are all friend's of both of us, and I don't want to tell them what he says, or the **** he pulls. I wanted somewhere, that someone would say "I've been there, you'll be ok." I stated VERY CLEARLY in my very first sentence that I wasn't "considering" leaving, I WAS leaving.

[Curmudgeon]

Wait? So what you're saying is that I should let him be verbally and emotionally abusive and let my children grow up to think it's ok? I should let my daughter think it's ok to let a man control her, and tell her she's garbage? I should let my son think that it's ok to buy toys, but not give his wife enough money for diapers and essential clothing? Please tell me that is not what you're saying.

 

...he's wrong.

 

My response to all your questions would be a resounding, "No!"

 

When the ex left me she did so with some cause. Some of it was related to my drinking at the time but some of her other expressed reasons were trumped-up and bogus to make herself look like a total victim when the reality was that she was the physically abusive one, not to mention she drank wine all day while I was at work then made a big deal of it if I had a few beers when I came home in the evening -- and coming home right after work was something I ALWAYS did.

 

As it turned out, finding herself a boyfriend and leaving me was probably the best gift she ever gave me. In your case it sounds as if leaving him is the best gift you could give yourself and your children. I think your settlement terms are reasonable and I say you should go for it!

[Brokenbutterfly]

...he's wrong.

 

My response to all your questions would be a resounding, "No!"

 

When the ex left me she did so with some cause. Some of it was related to my drinking at the time but some of her other expressed reasons were trumped-up and bogus to make herself look like a total victim when the reality was that she was the physically abusive one, not to mention she drank wine all day while I was at work then made a big deal of it if I had a few beers when I came home in the evening -- and coming home right after work was something I ALWAYS did.

 

As it turned out, finding herself a boyfriend and leaving me was probably the best gift she ever gave me. In your case it sounds as if leaving him is the best gift you could give yourself and your children. I think your settlement terms are reasonable and I say you should go for it!

 

Thank you...

 

I'm asking HIM to take on all marital debt (about $40,000 worth) and in exchange I'm giving him about $80,000 worth of his crap that I don't want. All the debt was accrued when I was a work at home mom, and when I was working I made $5000 a year, so I highly doubt that I was supposed to make the $900 a month truck payment.

[Moose]

Wait? So what you're saying is that I should let him be verbally and emotionally abusive and let my children grow up to think it's ok? I should let my daughter think it's ok to let a man control her, and tell her she's garbage? I should let my son think that it's ok to buy toys, but not give his wife enough money for diapers and essential clothing? Please tell me that is not what you're saying.

Nope, not saying that at all. All of those things aren't condusive of a healthy marriage. But you're not willing to do anything about, ( you said so yourself ) it except plan your escape. ( you said so yourself ).

 

Sulking in your situation is insanity. Putting your kids through a divorce is even more damaging than what you've expained to me so far.

 

You guys are only 5 years into this union......5 years.....that's nothing.....

I came here because a friend of mine told me there would be people here that have been in my situation,

I am one that has!

and that would help me when he pulls out the "I'm going to kill myself if you leave" card.

Best thing to do is leave then! And I'm serious as a heart attack! But don't divorce for cripes sake! A Trial Seperation will do wonders for him......

I stated VERY CLEARLY in my very first sentence that I wasn't "considering" leaving, I WAS leaving

Your title is what's misleading....go on then....and good luck!

[Brokenbutterfly]

Ok....I think we're having a miscommunication here than Mr. Moose.

 

I have been to counseling about this.....within the church, that I stated. So when you said I wasn't willing to work on it I got my panties in a twist. I have been in marital counseling BY MYSELF through the church for 2 years.

 

We went through a trial separation in August, he drank away $500 in one week, and I took him back. Why? Because I thought he was going to kill himself drinking. I got a call from the police one night because he told them his truck was stolen and I was the person they needed to call. This was 3 in the morning on a WEDNESDAY. I told the cop to check the other bars on that street, and sure enough there was his truck, I called his best friend to come get him and give him a ride to where he was staying.

 

Sorry, but unless there was nobody else to get him I wasn't getting my kids up at 3 in the morning, out in the cold (it was about 50 degrees that night) to go pick up their wasted father. Of course if his friend hadn't answered I would have picked him up....but this is not the first time it's happened.

 

Sorry I came off so bitchy, but I guess you don't see what I'm saying, and I'm misreading what you're writing.

[Curmudgeon]

Thank you...

 

I'm asking HIM to take on all marital debt (about $40,000 worth) and in exchange I'm giving him about $80,000 worth of his crap that I don't want. All the debt was accrued when I was a work at home mom, and when I was working I made $5000 a year, so I highly doubt that I was supposed to make the $900 a month truck payment.

 

Under those circumstances he should take it all on. After all, they're HIS toys.

 

Best of luck. I hope it all works out for you!

[Moose]

Ok....I think we're having a miscommunication here than Mr. Moose.

 

I have been to counseling about this.....within the church, that I stated. So when you said I wasn't willing to work on it I got my panties in a twist. I have been in marital counseling BY MYSELF through the church for 2 years.

 

We went through a trial separation in August, he drank away $500 in one week, and I took him back. Why? Because I thought he was going to kill himself drinking. I got a call from the police one night because he told them his truck was stolen and I was the person they needed to call. This was 3 in the morning on a WEDNESDAY. I told the cop to check the other bars on that street, and sure enough there was his truck, I called his best friend to come get him and give him a ride to where he was staying.

 

Sorry, but unless there was nobody else to get him I wasn't getting my kids up at 3 in the morning, out in the cold (it was about 50 degrees that night) to go pick up their wasted father. Of course if his friend hadn't answered I would have picked him up....but this is not the first time it's happened.

 

Sorry I came off so bitchy, but I guess you don't see what I'm saying, and I'm misreading what you're writing.

No, I'm sorry. You didn't provide this much information in the eleven times you've posted and it's hard to figure out the whole picture without more details.....

 

Do you know what I mean?

[Moose]

Look....he's going to have to hit rock bottom....that means losing you and the kids.....before anything will happen.....

 

And even then, without proper maintenance, he'll fall......again....

 

There's a pattern in your future.......which one you choose is entirely up to you....

[Brokenbutterfly]

I do, I see I just said I had sought out my clergy and what I should have said was I was in counseling THROUGH my clergy. My thoughts are a tad scattered right now, it kills me that I've reached the point of just wanting to leave. As I type this Mr. Butterfly is at the bar, and called to tell me that he just heard I wanted a divorce (I've told him this TWICE in the last week, but he didn't listen until a friend told him.) and that he isn't coming home until bar close because I force him to drink with my childish behavior. Cripes.

[Moose]

I do, I see I just said I had sought out my clergy and what I should have said was I was in counseling THROUGH my clergy. My thoughts are a tad scattered right now, it kills me that I've reached the point of just wanting to leave. As I type this Mr. Butterfly is at the bar, and called to tell me that he just heard I wanted a divorce (I've told him this TWICE in the last week, but he didn't listen until a friend told him.) and that he isn't coming home until bar close because I force him to drink with my childish behavior. Cripes.

Well....by now he's got a high tolerance level and will be either angry, or depressed when he gets home.

 

I feel for you.....and for him....which one, (because you probably already know), do you think he'll be tonight?

 

Also....how, "big a man" is he exactly?

[Brokenbutterfly]

He's about 325.....he's a big boy. I guarantee he'll come home and try to cuddle. He thinks it fixes everything. Either that or he'll come home and throw a temper tantrum and tell me he's leaving, but I think he's going to try the cuddling.