YeahBaby Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 The Context: I was with X from February 2005 til August 2006, as I was moving to university. I have never been so truly in love, so happy, so content. I lost my virginity to this man, and he made me feel so safe. We could talk about anything and everything, for hours on end. I suffered from a life-threatening illness over Christmas 2005, and he was fantastic. We had to make great changes to our lives over that couple of months, and he was more supportive and helpful and caring than I ever expected or imagined. Sure, we had arguments, every relationship does, and neither of us were perfect. But then I lost a lot of weight, and started receiving attention from a lot of men, and I began to feel that I wanted to be single and have some fun. I went off to university and did meet someone, but it soon became clear that he paled in comparison with X, and we got back together last November. But over last Christmas, it became clear that he had issues with drink and drugs, and I really couldn't be bothered with the relationship, so I finished it again in February 2007. I have had a couple of sexual relationships since then, and even fell for someone over the summer, though he was unavailable and nothing really came of it. Where I Am Now: About a month ago, I felt ready to contact X again. So far, it has been e-mail, texting and MSN. But it has become very clear that I made a huge mistake in letting go of X. I realise I was a complete bitch in the past, but I feel I have changed, and would put 110% into the relationship if it was to start up again. However, we've never properly talked about the 'what-ifs' and I haven't told him how I feel about him. Where X Is Now: We have nice conversations with each other, and we still have loads to talk about. He laughs and jokes with me, but I sense a real holding-back. I don't know whether its a lack of feelings for me anymore, or whether it's holding back, afraid to throw himself into it again. But I truly believe he will still have feelings for me, although I'm terrified of broaching the subject. My university is only 2 hours away from where he lives, so distance isn't really an issue. The drink and drugs problems are, to my knowledge, solved (he still occasionally goes to the pub). He mentioned something about applying for a job in Texas (we live in Britain) so obviously if that did happen, it would **** everything up, but I'm not too convinced it will happen. The Future: I feel there is so much we never got to do, and I felt our relationship stopped far short of where it was supposed to. I've written a letter explaining how I feel about him (we used to sent letters to each other all the time while we were together) but I haven't sent it. No matter what has happened, he has always been in the back of my mind, and I feel there must be a reason for this. I am hoping that when I am next home (a week tomorrow) we can arrange to meet up, initially just as friends, but with a bit of an ulterior motive. I don't know what my intentions are here, just some messages of advice and support would be greatly appreciated. Anyone who is/has been in similar situations, or X himself - let me know what you think! Finally, I would like to say that once a cheater isn't always a cheater. I was unfaithful to X in the past, but for the life of me, I couldn't do it again. People learn their lessons and people DO change. And I want this more than ever.
thelegend Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Hello i'm glad to see that you are talking as that is the most important part of the whole equation. First let me say this i really think the love is there on both sides. His distance is just a guys defense mechanism. You hurt him and he's afraid it will happen again. A lot of time and space heals all wounds. So continue to talk to him. Little by little let him know how you feel. Ask him how he feels. I don't think he's moving to Texas that's a test to see how you would react. But keep talking be patient and see what happens.
CD111 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I am pretty much in your position. I broke up with my X a year ago and over the last few months have realized that I still care for him. Our relationship also had its problems, not drugs and boozing, but undiagnosed depression on his part. Both of us have continued to live our lives and have only made minimal contact recently. Over the past year I have realized a few things. One is I will always care for him, there will always be a special place for him in my heart no matter what and that's ok, because he is a good person. He didn't cheat or abuse me in any way. However, just because I care for him it doesn't mean that we should/need to be together. I have also realized I did make mistakes in our relationship, but I don't regret them. At the time that was the best I could have done and all I can do is make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future. I have also thought long and hard about why I even what to get back together with him. Is it because things are not going so well in my life and I miss/need/want the security of the relationship or do I truly miss him, just for him? You have to ask yourself. If everything was going well in my life would I still want him back. By everything I mean everything, your career, family, school, no money problems, no health issues and you had a hundred guys to choose from for a date, would you still want your X back? I have also written a letter, but I gave mine to my X, he said he appreciated it. I basically admitted to how I feel and to the mistakes I have made and when he was right. I feel like he deserved to know and not blame himself so much for why our relationship didn't work out. I also asked if we could start hanging out again. That hasn't happened yet. But I do have to say I feel a whole lot better now that I have given him the letter. I really don't have anything to hide and now he knows how I feel. So in conclusion, figure out why you want him back. Then take a look at your life now and where it's headed, would it even be feasible for you and/or him? He does have a drinking/drug problem, could you handle that? Then realize it would take lots and lots and lots of work to make it work. Are you ready for that? Chances are he isn't going to trust you for a long time. Can you handle that? You have got to make sure you want this for the right reasons, because you could end up hurting him even more again. Wanting to get back together with him after you have dumped him because the last guy didn't work out so well and now you are all alone and lonely is not the best reason to get back together with a guy. You did that to yourself and now you need to suck it up and deal.
sedgwick Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Wow. Please tell him how you feel. Be totally honest with him. I would give anything, anything, anything if my ex told me he still loved me. I can guarantee you yours thinks you don't care. Show him you do before it's too late!! This is the kind of thing those of us who have been dumped dream of.
bish Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 The Context: I was with X from February 2005 til August 2006, as I was moving to university. I have never been so truly in love, so happy, so content. I lost my virginity to this man, and he made me feel so safe. We could talk about anything and everything, for hours on end. I suffered from a life-threatening illness over Christmas 2005, and he was fantastic. We had to make great changes to our lives over that couple of months, and he was more supportive and helpful and caring than I ever expected or imagined. Sure, we had arguments, every relationship does, and neither of us were perfect. But then I lost a lot of weight, and started receiving attention from a lot of men, and I began to feel that I wanted to be single and have some fun. I went off to university and did meet someone, but it soon became clear that he paled in comparison with X, and we got back together last November. But over last Christmas, it became clear that he had issues with drink and drugs, and I really couldn't be bothered with the relationship, so I finished it again in February 2007. So let me see if I get this straight...you had a life threatening illness and he stood by your side....he now has a substance abuse problem and you can't be bothered with a R to help him in his time of need now? Wow...what can I say? Where I Am Now: About a month ago, I felt ready to contact X again. So far, it has been e-mail, texting and MSN. Because now all of a sudden you can be bothered with it....eh? But it has become very clear that I made a huge mistake in letting go of X. I realise I was a complete bitch in the past, but I feel I have changed, and would put 110% into the relationship if it was to start up again. However, we've never properly talked about the 'what-ifs' and I haven't told him how I feel about him. So if it became clear that he has a problem again and needs help...you'd help him this time and not desert him? If you have changed, I'd hope you'd be willing to stand by his side in a time of need like he did yours. that is unless of course it ever became obvious that he didn't want help or was not taking steps in the right direction in getting help. I don't know what my intentions are here, just some messages of advice and support would be greatly appreciated. Anyone who is/has been in similar situations, or X himself - let me know what you think! Well being in the position of someone bailing on me in a time of need, and then wanting to come back when the rough time has passed, I can only say, if you were to get back with him and you have changed, I hope that if another rough spot comes up that you will stand by him and help him. Finally, I would like to say that once a cheater isn't always a cheater. I was unfaithful to X in the past, but for the life of me, I couldn't do it again. People learn their lessons and people DO change. And I want this more than ever. Well, I'll never be convinced that a cheater won't ever cheat again. If they have it in them once, they will always have it in them. And no, not everyone has it in them. but I'm not gonna harp on that...it is my opinion and I won't let myself believe otherwise. All i can say is, if you get back with him...stand by him....he stood by you.
bish Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Wow. Please tell him how you feel. Be totally honest with him. I would give anything, anything, anything if my ex told me he still loved me. I can guarantee you yours thinks you don't care. Show him you do before it's too late!! This is the kind of thing those of us who have been dumped dream of. Not me, I want my X to stay the hell as far away from me as possible.
sderenzi Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Not me, I want my X to stay the hell as far away from me as possible. bish i have added you to my buddy list, I find you're comments are insightful and along the same thinking as my own. Welcome :S~
bish Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 bish i have added you to my buddy list, I find you're comments are insightful and along the same thinking as my own. Welcome :S~ Well thanks. Others don't see it the way you do. they don't like the "call it as I see it approach". I don't sugarcoat anything for anyone and that rubs people the wrong way. Oh well.
Author YeahBaby Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 Thanks for your replies. Bish, your reply was of most interest to me, and you did bring up a number of valid points, but others I wished to explain in further detail. I see a big differences in the health problems I had, and the problems X had. Firstly, X brought on the drug and drink problems he had himself, I certainly didn't choose to have the problems I had. Secondly, when I was ill, I sought medical help and attention, and placed a lot of emphasis on my recovery. X, however, refused to accept he had a problem, and refused to get any help for his problems. I realise that it was a time of need, but a reliable authority did recommend that I leave him to himself to get over his problems and realise what they had cost him. However, I have changed, and I now feel that I would stand beside him, help and defend him through anything. I am willing to be patient with him, and earn back the trust which I lost. If we get back together, it is the real deal, the long term, and I wouldn't allow anything to ever come between us again. Now, if I could just find a way to tell him that...
Lee725 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 The Context: I was with X from February 2005 til August 2006, But over last Christmas, it became clear that he had issues with drink and drugs, and I really couldn't be bothered with the relationship, so I finished it again in February 2007. I have had a couple of sexual relationships since then, and even fell for someone over the summer, though he was unavailable and nothing really came of it. Well said Bish.... This is going to sound harsh, but in the 9 months till now since the last split after which "a couple of sexual relationships", you have managed to do a complete behavioural/emotional transformation? If you have managed that, it would be a big achievement, it normally takes people years to re-condition themselves and their behaviour, if they manage to do it at all. I am sorry Yeahbaby, but do you really believe that you have his best interests at heart here, or are you only pursuing this because it something you want without really taking into consideration all aspects of this? Mayb the hurt of watching you go thru a life-threatening illness, the thought of loosing you made him turn to drugs and drink,..... then you deserted him. You could not be bothered........ You have said that a reliable Authority told you to leave him. I am not going to pretend that i am an expert on drug/alcohol rehab, but during this time isnt it important for people to have as much help as possible? unless the person that has been asked to leave is having a negative effect on the patient? Substance abuse is life threatening, An addiction to drugs can take away ones will power to stop doing it. It is unfair to say "Your illness is not as important as mine was"... (not that you have said that but the way i read it that is what has happened). (could be wrong). Yeahbaby, this is probably the harshest sounding msg i have EVER written on LS & i apologize for that, but in my little opinion, there are a lot of aspects to this that you are not considering. He must be pretty forgiving to even maintain contact with you. One last thing, if the guy "that you fell for" over the summer was available would you be with him now or would you still be pursuing the EX????
bish Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I see a big differences in the health problems I had, and the problems X had. Firstly, X brought on the drug and drink problems he had himself, I certainly didn't choose to have the problems I had. Secondly, when I was ill, I sought medical help and attention, and placed a lot of emphasis on my recovery. X, however, refused to accept he had a problem, and refused to get any help for his problems. I realise that it was a time of need, but a reliable authority did recommend that I leave him to himself to get over his problems and realise what they had cost him. I realize that your hard time wasn't a choice...but it still looks like you tucked tail and ran. If you love someone, you kick them in the ass to get the help they need and stand by them until such time as it is obvious that they don't want help. I know you said he refused to get any help for his problems...but how hard did you try?
bish Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Well said Bish.... This is going to sound harsh, but in the 9 months till now since the last split after which "a couple of sexual relationships", you have managed to do a complete behavioural/emotional transformation? or maybe it was that she wanted to have flings and didn't like the idea of being tied down....once she got out there and got her "fill"....pun intended...she now realizes she wants to be with him? Starting to sound like the sowing wild oats syndrome.
birdie Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 or maybe it was that she wanted to have flings and didn't like the idea of being tied down....once she got out there and got her "fill"....pun intended...she now realizes she wants to be with him? Starting to sound like the sowing wild oats syndrome. disagree. any problems relating to drinking and drugs are self-inflicted and deserve very little sympathy in my opinion. I have been on both sides so certainly speaking from experience. I don't think OP should get back with this guy. clearly he is weak and the decision not to be his surrogate mother was the right one first time around. why waste time with someone that has issues? best to move on.
bish Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 disagree. any problems relating to drinking and drugs are self-inflicted and deserve very little sympathy in my opinion. I have been on both sides so certainly speaking from experience. I don't think OP should get back with this guy. clearly he is weak and the decision not to be his surrogate mother was the right one first time around. why waste time with someone that has issues? best to move on. You are right...it is best to move on. From what she said he has cleaned his act up. and people who are abusing drugs need help...not people to turn their back on them. If after trying to help them its obvious that they like their drug lifestyle, then one would have no choice but to leave. But she left him...started sleeping with other guys right away...and in a short 9 months wants him back? Couldn't have been all as bad as she said. Afterall...if he had a huge problem..why would she want him back?
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