Just found out H had a 2 year emotional affair 10 years ago and conceived a child

[mebetrayed]

My husband of 13 years just told me on 10/17 that he had an almost 2 year long affair (from 96-98) with a co-worker and very close family friend. A child was conceived from this affair (born in 1998) and the mother chose to continue with her

marriage and allow her husband believe that he was the child's father. There has never been any doubt between my husband and his lover that my husband was the child's biological father and from when the decision to keep the child was made by the mother solely and my husband made it clear that he would not want a parent relationship with the child. That was a decision that was

accepted by the mother. After all these years it seems that the rouse was harder than she had expected since she was in love with my husband. In 1998 a few weeks after the child was born we moved somewhere else in the state and the

contact between the 2 families diminished. In the subsequent years my husband and I have had 4 children of our own. Also over the years this woman has dealt with severe depression and in 2006 was served divorce papers by her husband of almost 20 years. He had a paternity test and was told that he was not the biological father. He was able to get 100% temporary physical custody and from

what we now know has no idea that my husband knows that he is this child's biological father. He wants to raise this child himself and have nobody know the truth (he's very prominent in their community). My husband and I want to

talk to him and tell him the whole truth because from what we understand he has no idea of the extent of the relationship and my husband and we are ready to tell him the whole truth. The mother however is begging us not to do so because the divorce is almost final and she's afraid of what this would do to their divorce/custody agreement. They have agreed to share custody, but there is a real hate there between the two of them still.

 

My husband does not want any rights to the child, however he does want to give the father some measure of reassurance that he won't interefere with the child and also tell him the full truth about extent of the affair. Is there any danger and/or consequences that we should consider before we talk to him and tell him the whole truth?

 

I think what I am getting at regarding speaking with the Father would be to just tell him the truth. We do not want to tell the child or our children (the oldest is 8), just the Father the truth. As the cheated on spouse too I think that he deserves that. His wife hasn't been honest with him about really anything. My husband and I do not wish to have a relationship with the child now or in the future. The Father too does not want my husband in the child's life and is scared to death that my husband will interfere. In a way we were thinking/hoping that we could alleviate those concerns with the honesty and reassurance that we will not interfere with the child. I do realize that the realistic chance exsists that the child will find out sometime in the future and at that time we will all deal with it. We too feel strongly about the best interest of this child, as well as our 4 children.

 

This is a complicated situation and we want to do the right thing for everyone.

 

Please, please, please help me figure out what we should do. We're working on our relationship and want to continue with our marriage at this point.

[cj1988]

From my experience with my H (he was born from an affair) his father did not want to see him or have anything to do with him at all. He went on to have 3 more children. I found the dad and the family and they have all reunited now, BUT the kids HATED their MOM and DAD for not letting him be a part of their life from the beginning. It was ugly at first, they told their parents off and said you have a choice, accept that he is NOW with us after 33 of you both living a lie or dont live with it your choice....he is our brother and he is NOW here to stay !

 

So, you see the lie will ultimately cause major problems for you and YOUR kids, they will find out one day....one way or another !

[mebetrayed]

Thanks for your reply.

 

If the OC finds out at some point (as an older teen/adult) in the furture we will deal with it and share it with our children, but at this point in time we don't wish to go down that road of full disclosure with all the children. As it is all of our children have been around and spent time with the OC. Furthermore, the resolve that the father has for this not to be disclosed to the OC leads us to believe that until something drastic were to happen or were to change he won't be telling.

 

We're just struggling to know if we should talk to the other BS at this time and wanting to work on our relationship. It's difficult for sure to know what the best/right thing to do is.

[Cobra_X30]

Do not let your H talk to this guy! If it has to happen, you should be the one to tell him of the affair!

 

I know that sucks, but your H has no right to talk to this man.

 

Are you planning on staying with your husband?

[mebetrayed]

I am able and willing to talk to the other BS (very good friend of mine/my husband's for many years). It will be difficult, but I can def. do it. My husband is completely willing to do it too, but has some more hesitation re. if it's the right thing for him to do vs. me doing it.

 

Yes, we're wanting to have our relationship last and we're willing to try our hardest to work through this. We know that it will be the most difficult thing we will ever do together, but feel that our marriage is worth it. We've been together for over 20 years ourselves and we have a lot invested in this relationship.

 

My husband says there has never been anything remotely close to another affair with anyone else in the subsequent 10 years since OC was born and I do believe him.

[NoIDidn't]

Seeing as you are new I can't PM you, but I know of another board made specifically for the info you are seeking. They are very good too.

 

Google "surviving betrayal". They have BWs and BHs with OCs. You will be in touch with more folks who are dealing or have dealt with just the sitch you speak of.

 

No offense to anyone else or LS.

[mebetrayed]

thanks... i've been to that site, justnever posted anything. We've lurked some at marriage builders too and founf some helpful info there too.

 

Thanks for your suggestions.... as like most everyone here .... I never thought this would be me and I would be here.

 

Sucks!

[NoIDidn't]

thanks... i've been to that site, justnever posted anything. We've lurked some at marriage builders too and founf some helpful info there too.

 

Thanks for your suggestions.... as like most everyone here .... I never thought this would be me and I would be here.

 

Sucks!

 

MB is a good source for that too.

 

You asked if now is a good time to tell the BH? What about your feelings? How are you doing?

 

I think telling him is a good idea. BUT. Right now in the midst of the divorce turmoil, there is no telling what he will do once he has that information. But I think he should know before the divorce is finalized for certain.

 

But, really, how are you feeling about all this? How long have you known about it? Sorry if you already stated that and I missed it.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're right, it is a difficult situation. What would you and your H gain at this point by informing the Father? You don't want contact with the child, their lives are already in chaos and much time has gone by. Leave it alone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mebetrayed]

Just to clarify .... I (the BS) just found out 10/17/2007 and my husband who obivously has known all along didn't know that the other marriage had fallen apart and that they were divorcing because the Father had a paternity test done until Sept 2007. That is when my husband made the decision to go ahead and tell me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just to clarify .... I (the BS) just found out 10/17/2007 and my husband who obivously has known all along didn't know that the other marriage had fallen apart and that they were divorcing because the Father had a paternity test done until Sept 2007. That is when my husband made the decision to go ahead and tell me.

I understand and, again, I can only imagine how difficult and painfull this must be for you. But I only see 2 scenarios:

 

1). You and your H want to get involved to establish his parental rights and have a relationship with the child.

 

or

 

2). You want to go about your lives while working on repairing your marriage and let them work through the many issues they must be facing in the dissolution of their marriage.

 

If it's #2, I would say that the last thing they need is another huge issue to deal with. If the child was a newborn, I might feel differently but, 9 years down the road, it would just seem like the confession would make more of a mess. This is indeed a tough one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JustBreathe]

Here's my 2 cents.

 

I have 3 sons. The boy's age would be the deciding factor to me. The OC is nine years old. The only father he knows is the BH. I would not make waves in that relationship to ease my own burden and my husband's guilt. If it came out later, I would deal with it then and take my lumps. If OC was a baby, it would be different in my mind, but for now, because of the child's age and for his welfare, I would leave it alone. If I was certain that my H wanted nothing to do with the child and would never ever go knocking on their door or something.

 

If it were me, and my H and I wanted nothing to do with the raising of the child, I think I would choose to leave that family to work out their own problems and not bring more devastation to BH. I would let him be at peace in the knowledge that he is the only father the child will ever know because the identity of the biological father is a mystery.

 

The knowledge of this terrible truth is perhaps part of the price your H and the OW have to carry around with them as a result of their actions. It is unfortunate and unfair that now it is your burden also. But there it is and life goes on. Some things are just bigger than you.

 

You know, I have always believed the truth is always the way to go, but maybe I was wrong. When it could hurt a child, or affect the parental relationship between him and his dad, then I'd have to think twice about it.

 

This is just my opinion. I can't manage my own life but I got plenty to say about everybody else's!

[Mr. Lucky]

A very tough situation that should have been avoided. I know that in the throws of so called passion, we don't think about the devastation down the road. And if he got another woman pregnant, he clearly didn't use a condom. Which exposed his BS to all kind of diseases. Now a child will not know the truth of his existence and a wife was exposed to diseases. And since you had children with your BS after the affair, you potentially exposed them to diseases also. A sad situation indeed.

Really, how does this help? The OP admits her H made a huge mistake 10 years ago and asks for advice on their CURRENT situation. What value does pointing out that her H exposed her to STD's a decade ago have ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Art_Critic]

My husband does not want any rights to the child, however he does want to give the father some measure of reassurance that he won't interefere with the child and also tell him the full truth about extent of the affair. Is there any danger and/or consequences that we should consider before we talk to him and tell him the whole truth?

 

I have 2 thoughts..

 

1. If the part I quoted of your post is correct then what would it hurt to wait till after the divorce to talk with him ?.. in other words.. Why become part of the problem when you really want to be part of the solution.

 

2. If you do tell him be very prepared to pay child support.

Your Husband would be legally liable for the payment of child support.. even if he doesn't want the child..

 

 

My opinion is that you should not say anything unlss you feel the child isn't going to have a good home..

[RecordProducer]

my husband made it clear that he would not want a parent relationship with the child.

What a great man!

 

He was able to get 100% temporary physical custody and from

what we now know has no idea that my husband knows that he is this child's biological father. He wants to raise this child himself and have nobody know the truth (he's very prominent in their community).

He sounds like a good father to this child. I don't think this kid needs to get to know your husband who wants nothing to do with him or her (you don't even indicate the sex of the child).

 

 

My husband and I want to talk to him and tell him the whole truth because from what we understand he has no idea of the extent of the relationship and my husband and we are ready to tell him the whole truth.

Why? To rub it in his face? What would be the purpose of talking to him? I am sure he knows who the father is. What exactly do you want to tell him?

 

The mother however is begging us not to do so because the divorce is almost final and she's afraid of what this would do to their divorce/custody agreement. They have agreed to share custody, but there is a real hate there between the two of them still.

It's their divorce and their child. YOU stay away from it. Your husband decided to NOT take care of his child. Now that he or she is 9 years old, there is no point in entering his life just to mess up with his head. Imagine that he gave his child for an adoption. It's NOT HIS child. Somebody else took care of him and loved him, supported him and worried if he was hungry, safe, cold, healthy... Stay away from that family.

 

My husband does not want any rights to the child, however he does want to give the father some measure of reassurance that he won't interefere with the child and also tell him the full truth about extent of the affair. Is there any danger and/or consequences that we should consider before we talk to him and tell him the whole truth?

What whole truth? Why the heck does he need to know about their affair? It's not relevant anymore. Do you want to put salt on his wounds? Just don't interfere and he will get the message: that you will not interfere. He didn't interfere for 8-9 years, so why would he start now?

 

I think what I am getting at regarding speaking with the Father would be to just tell him the truth. We do not want to tell the child or our children (the oldest is 8), just the Father the truth. As the cheated on spouse too I think that he deserves that. His wife hasn't been honest with him about really anything.

So YOU get to pick who finds out the whole truth and who doesn't, right? How will you feel if his wife approaches your children some day and says: "Your parents haven't been honest with you about something: you have a brother!"?