mex Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Most threads here seem to be from the POV of OWs, so this may be a slightly unusual post. I'm an OM in a R with a woman who, while not yet married, has been engaged for several years and in a R for 10. To cut a long story short, I had been attracted to her for a couple of years but had avoided her because she was engaged - until she told me of her plan to return to her country with her fiance. It brought my feelings into focus and after telling her how I felt we began an A - guiltily and painfully. It turns out that her relationship with her BF is more of a caring friendship with no chemistry while we have a passionate, emotionally communicative R. In other important ways we are also much better suited. I don't judge her for cheating and I believe she is in a more difficult position than me, having to choose between the familiar and comfortable and the exciting but difficult. She's asked for time to think about what she wants from life - I know she has feelings for me that go beyond just a fling and I've assured her that I'm in this seriously. I'm just curious about whether any other OMs have been in this situation and whether anyone here has ever left a LTR for their OM? And am I being a fool for hoping this could work out?
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Do a site username search on Oyster, bonehead and ratingsguy. All were OM. She is engaged and doesn't seem to really want to give up her fiancee, or change her life for you. Give her time and space, but put a time limit on it, for your own sanity. If she ends up marrying him, then you need to cut her out of your life forever. You cannot be second fiddle to her forever, and sadly, love or not, this is what you are to her, as she has TWO men in her life, giving her all that she needs. Quite selfish and cruel of her to lead you on and betray her fiancee!
Author mex Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Thanks, will search. I don't think her actions are motivated by cruelty or maliciousness - naivety and selfishness perhaps. It's early days yet and I accept that, for her, it's a very big deal ending a 10-year relationship. But she has admitted regretting getting engaged (it was a complicated situation and, given the timing, more to do with him preventing her meeting someone new in a new country IMO) and has admitted thinking we would be better together in the long term. So, I'm prepared to give her some time to work things out. And I'll probably continue making excuses for the inexcusable.
EmeraldI's Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 She's asked for time to think about what she wants from life - I know she has feelings for me that go beyond just a fling and I've assured her that I'm in this seriously. I'm just curious about whether any other OMs have been in this situation and whether anyone here has ever left a LTR for their OM? And am I being a fool for hoping this could work out? Yes, it does happen...I have an aquaintance who left her H of 10 years for a guy she met on myspace...(Don't really understand the myspace concept...) So it does happen, no wonder how vehemently some posters on here say that it never does...It just takes time and it depends on whether you're willing to take the risk...Is your R worth it to you? And what are your needs and does she fill those or are you left feeling empty?
EmeraldI's Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Bonehead's MW left and I think Oyster's did in the long run, too...
Nixson Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 After my first divorce, I was involved with a MW. I was in my late 20s. It went on for a year and I knew she was married from the beginning. She was in an unhappy M and I made her happy and everything else that she wasn't getting from her H. Emotionally and physically. I got out of it when I realized my feelings for her were getting stronger. She didn't really plan to leave and I didn't want her to leave either. I can't say that it will happen to you -- that your MW will leave her M but I know I did leave my second M to be with my OW. Anything is possible, bro. As the poster, EmeraldI's said -- It just takes time and it depends on whether you're willing to take the risk...Is your R worth it to you? And what are your needs and does she fill those or are you left feeling empty? I think those are valid questions you may want to think over.
Author mex Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 I think it is worth the time and the risk though perhaps not the guilt. This is totally out of character for her - from 19 - 29 years she has been devoted to her relationship and although it's not perfect - they don't have a sex life for a start - it's far from a bad relationship. But I think I've opened her eyes to what she could have, emotionally and physically, if she was willing to go through the anguish of separation. She's certainly thinking about it seriously - she's discussed living alone from her fiance and he knows about me (in an edited way). We've both agreed that we would have a wonderful relationship in other circumstances but at the moment she's trying not to let herself fall for me. It's all a bit sad. But thanks for the advice. I'll give her a few months to assess how she feels, although patience isn't one my virtues.
Nixson Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Patience wasn't one of my virtues but my GF taught me a few things about being patient. The reason I couldn't or rather wouldn't stay with the MW back then was because I didn't see it going anywhere and yes, I was impatient. Didn't want to stick around to see what she could have done. It is entirely up to you what to do and if giving her time is what's right then, do it and good luck to you! I hope everything goes your way, bro.
reboot Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Something I've always been curious about. Do all you OM carry spare underwear with you at all times?
Woggle Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 First of all never believe a cheating woman's sob story. They will always make him look bad. I don't know why people fall in love with cheaters so easily when all she will do is the same thing to you when she gets bored. These women are cheaters and connivers and should be avoided.
bish Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 mex....you need to contact her fiancee and tell him before he marries her. I don't know why you'd want her, but if she is cheating on her fiancee and still plans to marry him, she is one worthless woman. So he needs to know so he can avoid marry the biggest mistake of his life. Then you can have the cheater all to yourself.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I agree with woggle Alot of married people tarnish theyre spouse to look like the victim and people fall for it. If every betrayed husband sued the OM under AOA or attacked him violently Alot of Guys who sleep with married women would decrease! Where I'm from that's the laws of the street. What I dont understand is, Is the thrill of sleeping with someone who's married to someone else worth it, is it worth almost losing your life for? If he found out and physically assaulted you and put you in the hospital could you honestly blame him for defending his family's honor? You do know that at the end of the day she's gonna stay with her husband. Your nothing more than a piece on the side. She knows you aint gonna be faithful to her it's all a fantasy. Isnt there any single woman you could mess with? But I guess you like the thrill of something worth dying from then what's the point right?
reboot Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 If every betrayed husband .... attacked him violently Alot of Guys who sleep with married women would decrease!Which is why I asked if OM carried spare underwear. For when the husband shoves a pistol in your face and you shat yourself.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Which is why I asked if OM carried spare underwear. For when the husband shoves a pistol in your face and you shat yourself. Ooops he sharted! lol.
RamChops Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I agree with woggle Alot of married people tarnish theyre spouse to look like the victim and people fall for it. If every betrayed husband sued the OM under AOA or attacked him violently Alot of Guys who sleep with married women would decrease! Where I'm from that's the laws of the street. What I dont understand is, Is the thrill of sleeping with someone who's married to someone else worth it, is it worth almost losing your life for? If he found out and physically assaulted you and put you in the hospital could you honestly blame him for defending his family's honor? You do know that at the end of the day she's gonna stay with her husband. Your nothing more than a piece on the side. She knows you aint gonna be faithful to her it's all a fantasy. Isnt there any single woman you could mess with? But I guess you like the thrill of something worth dying from then what's the point right? Maybe instead of trolling and/or flaming as per usual you could have read the initial post? And actually added something to the discussion ... The OP's lady is NOT MARRIED, she is engaged, and from OP's post she has not exactly denigrated her BF/fiancee, rather he says she finds that side of things "familiar and comfortable". From a practical perspective, I agree with bish's opinion on the matter ... for the OP's lady to marry her fiancee would be a mistake, and the guy does deserve to know what he's getting himself into. It will only get worse once they're married. To the OP, I think the situation will be really, really difficult even if she does leave him for you though ... I'd imagine she will carry baggage in the form of guilt about ending it with him for a long time afterwards, and you will have to put even more into the R to compensate for that - especially if she blames you when she regrets her decision to leave. And you say she's trying not to fall for you, so it sounds like you're already getting a raw deal. Hope things work out OK for you one way or the other though.
Author mex Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Thankfully gun laws are stricter this side of the Atlantic... but thanks for your concern. I'm under no illusions at all that what we're doing is wrong - neither of us have done anything like this before, so this is uncharted territory and the guilt is crushing. She hasn't given a sob story - the reverse is true. However, the fact is that she is in a lifeless, if comfortable, relationship. Yes, she should have been more vigilant and done something earlier to prevent her relationship getting to this stage, but sometimes day-to-day life gets in the way. I agree that she shouldn't marry her fiance - not because I think she would cheat again but because they're clearly not designed for a lifetime together - but that's between them. I appreciate that some families have been broken up by someone like me so I should state that they're not married, there are no children and sometimes it's all too difficult to do the right thing and walk away.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 ...sometimes it's all too difficult to do the right thing and walk away. Sometimes it's easier to the wrong thing in the short run, but it makes things a lot more difficult in the long run. You have no idea what will happen if you hook up with this engaged girl... could be pretty, will probably be ugly. You know what will happen if you take the high road... everything will be okay. I think you should do the right thing and walk away.
Woggle Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I would never attack another man over a woman but men should reject all OM. They should be sghunned for stabbing their brothers in the back. When I caught me ex you should have seen the look of sheer terror in the OM's face. You was frightened as hell of me but I just made him leave.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 First of all, I dont troll or flame I tell the truth if you dont like it, tough cover your eyes. 2. Engaged is a precursor to marriage. For me that's the line right there. Even if she wasnt married but in a long term relationship. I would still say the poster is dead wrong!!!! So it wouldnt freaking matter!!! Bottom line if the engagement for her is so lifeless and so boring she can give up the ring and just leave her fiance's and go be with Mex!!! I think that hey, you dont respect him or love him enough not to cheat. You have no self respect to not engage in cheating then, fine dont be a damn coward go all the way in! Eat cake until you cant anymore!!! Besides Mex if she's gonna leave him for you, I think she would have anyway's your just chasing your own tail waiting for her to leave. IMO. Find a single girl that isnt involved with anyone. What the hell is the problem?
Woggle Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Finding a single, normal woman who isn't involved is too boring for these people. It makes too much sense and they want to be different plus this woman has an amazing connection with him and that makes him feel good. Men should always beware of women that say they have an amazing connection.
RamChops Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 First of all, I dont troll or flame I tell the truth if you dont like it, tough cover your eyes. 2. Engaged is a precursor to marriage. For me that's the line right there. Even if she wasnt married but in a long term relationship. I would still say the poster is dead wrong!!!! So it wouldnt freaking matter!!! Repeating the same hackneyed thing over and over isn't "the truth" ... sounds more like you're reading from a textbook ... I hope you never have the misfortune to find yourself caught up in a situation like a lot of people on this forum, myself included. Not all of us thrive on the "thrill" of seeing an attached person (I never found any thrill in that aspect of the A), and for many people getting out or even staying in is not easy ... you can't just expect people to change overnight or "do the right thing", even if it seems like common sense to you ... anyway, apologies if I let fly, but it just seemed like you were just posting something for the sake of it. Bottom line if the engagement for her is so lifeless and so boring she can give up the ring and just leave her fiance's and go be with Mex!!! I think that hey, you dont respect him or love him enough not to cheat. You have no self respect to not engage in cheating then, fine dont be a damn coward go all the way in! Eat cake until you cant anymore!!! Besides Mex if she's gonna leave him for you, I think she would have anyway's your just chasing your own tail waiting for her to leave. IMO. I agree with you here, and in this regard we're "on the same page" ...
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Repeating the same hackneyed thing over and over isn't "the truth" ... sounds more like you're reading from a textbook ... I hope you never have the misfortune to find yourself caught up in a situation like a lot of people on this forum, myself included. Not all of us thrive on the "thrill" of seeing an attached person (I never found any thrill in that aspect of the A), and for many people getting out or even staying in is not easy ... you can't just expect people to change overnight or "do the right thing", even if it seems like common sense to you ... anyway, apologies if I let fly, but it just seemed like you were just posting something for the sake of it. I agree with you here, and in this regard we're "on the same page" ... Trust me ramchop. If I said what I wanted to say here on these boards I'd be banned for life and erased from the D-base. I've been suspended before. So I try to post on these boards and be respectful as I can. Alot of times what I said before although was the truth about peoples situations and my opinions people took to the heart way too much. They truly felt like I had pimp smacked them in their own living rooms. lol. So I need to be tactful and thus I say things as nicely as I can while trying to get my point across. And for the record I will never be in any of these OM situations. I'm a young black guy and yeah I could have been the OM to many married women I am always hit on. I could manipulate. I could prey on them. But I am conscious of other's peoples feelings. I am aware of others. And thus I place my own wanton lust and desires on the backburner not trying to hurt anyone. Death before dishonor. I had plenty of times to Bang married women but I have all turned them down. I had more respect for myself and for their marriages & lives whether they had it themselves or not!
LifesontheUp Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Most threads here seem to be from the POV of OWs, so this may be a slightly unusual post. I'm an OM in a R with a woman who, while not yet married, has been engaged for several years and in a R for 10. To cut a long story short, I had been attracted to her for a couple of years but had avoided her because she was engaged - until she told me of her plan to return to her country with her fiance. It brought my feelings into focus and after telling her how I felt we began an A - guiltily and painfully. It turns out that her relationship with her BF is more of a caring friendship with no chemistry while we have a passionate, emotionally communicative R. In other important ways we are also much better suited. I don't judge her for cheating and I believe she is in a more difficult position than me, having to choose between the familiar and comfortable and the exciting but difficult. She's asked for time to think about what she wants from life - I know she has feelings for me that go beyond just a fling and I've assured her that I'm in this seriously. I'm just curious about whether any other OMs have been in this situation and whether anyone here has ever left a LTR for their OM? And am I being a fool for hoping this could work out? The feelings are romanticism not real love or the beginnings of it. Its the excitement of two people wanting to be together but cant be because she's already in a relationship. So if she does get around to leaving the familiar and comfortable, don't worry cause in the future she'll likely find you familiar and comfortable too. Must be great to feel the thrill of romantic love, the secrecy and mystery that surrounds it. Unfortunately, real life does habit of creeping in. You know................when you have to deal with the every day life, the bills, who does the cooking, the cleaning, the list is never ending really. Wake up and smell the coffee. She's a cake eater. She's enjoying her familiar and comfortable and her bit of thrill on the side. Do yourself a favour and find an available lady.
frannie Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Do a site username search on Oyster, bonehead and ratingsguy. All were OM. I'd add BKRPM to that list, and advise the OP, yes, please do a search on these OM's posts. If you search for 'threads started by' it will narrow things down a little. Good luck.
BKRPM Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Mex- Yes, of course it could work in your favor, but the odds are against you. I have been in the A with MW for 2 1/2 years, and I wish I could get strong enough to totally walk away. Every time I do get strong, MW pulls me back in. I work with MW, so it does make it difficult. I am getting to the point that I might think of leaving my job, but it is tough because I have been there many years. Right now I am dating other women, and it feels good. Will I fall again? I can't guarantee that I won't.
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