CaliGuy Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 You need to put this in perspective.. You didn't even date her a month.. I have had colds last longer than that... Block and Delete her.... You will feel much better when you do that Doh, I didn't even catch that part. A month? Yeah, I think he needs to read the book.
Author Jknoxville32 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Doh, I didn't even catch that part. A month? Yeah, I think he needs to read the book. Yeah, it was a "month". But I think you didnt catch it when reading probably because it wasnt a normal month kind of thing. Not a few dates here and there but a constant talking/seeing/etc. The whole thing was more in depth than some of those 3-4 month relationships I mentioned earlier. I think if I left that part out and just described the relationship no one would've guessed the length.
Art_Critic Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Yeah, it was a "month". But I think you didnt catch it when reading probably because it wasnt a normal month kind of thing. Not a few dates here and there but a constant talking/seeing/etc. The whole thing was more in depth than some of those 3-4 month relationships I mentioned earlier. I think if I left that part out and just described the relationship no one would've guessed the length. Dude.. you are making excuses to continue your behavior.. It doesn't matter how much time in 4 weeks you spent with someone.. You didn't know her.. Isn't this whole breakup proving that exact point ? Well.. In reality you were just dating so there really isn't a breakup.. You just stopped dating... I would suggest that you seek some sort of therapy for this..You seem like you need some guidance on this that needs to be in person. Sometimes it is the intensity that grabs us that we have trouble letting go of.. that is what you are having trouble with.. The intensity you experienced wasn't long lived and you crave it.. Have you thought about seeking help with getting thru this ?
oppath Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Dude.. you are making excuses to continue your behavior.. It doesn't matter how much time in 4 weeks you spent with someone.. You didn't know her.. Isn't this whole breakup proving that exact point ? Well.. In reality you were just dating so there really isn't a breakup.. You just stopped dating... I would suggest that you seek some sort of therapy for this..You seem like you need some guidance on this that needs to be in person. Sometimes it is the intensity that grabs us that we have trouble letting go of.. that is what you are having trouble with.. The intensity you experienced wasn't long lived and you crave it.. Have you thought about seeking help with getting thru this ? Agree with all this. You don't even truly know someone until around 6 months. I always roll my eyes at women who say "I miss you" the first few weeks and who freak if I only want to see them twice a week, because they think that means I am not interested, when I am VERY interested. Relationships that start very intensely often end very intensely. Ultimately, you are responsible for that intensity, buy not hardening yourself enough to be cautious and by allowing someone, no matter how you feel, to occupy a large part of your life before they have earned it. I do know how you feel, and I agree with Art Critic, you miss that intensity, because it is rare to find. Understand, that intensity is not necessarily good, at least as a predictor of a relationship. If you do feel it, the best thing to do is to not allow the relationship to progress that way. You essentially are craving the feelings she gave you as much as her. You stopped dating, and yes, it IS disappointing and should hurt even after a short amount of time, but she occupies too much space. Seek counseling.
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 The ironic part is that the "intensity" of that month makes it more clear than ever that this was a rebound relationship. Early intensity is the hallmark of how these start. You begin to think you've truly found your soulmate (ugh, I hate that word) and that you share such a strong connection. Anyway, she was mean to you because she probably thinks you weren't hearing her. If you no longer wanted to be with someone and you tell her you have blocked her (which is a pretty clear indicator she's done) and she responds "Well, I won't block you, I'll be around whenever you need me" wouldn't that make you roll your eyes too? You'd be frustrated that this person still wasn't clearing hearing that there is no relationship, period. Combine that with the fact that she probably feels bad about the way she handled things, and it's not surprising she was mean. She became mean to get her point across that it's done, thinking that it was the only way to make you go away. The fact that she then talked to you later on IM proves that she does feel bad about the way she handled things, but this chat was motivated by guilt and was a way to make herself feel better about herself, not you. Go back to NC - ignore the holidays, ignore the birthdays. If she realizes later she wants you, she'll come find you. But you need to move on.
Author Jknoxville32 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 The ironic part is that the "intensity" of that month makes it more clear than ever that this was a rebound relationship. Early intensity is the hallmark of how these start. You begin to think you've truly found your soulmate (ugh, I hate that word) and that you share such a strong connection. Anyway, she was mean to you because she probably thinks you weren't hearing her. If you no longer wanted to be with someone and you tell her you have blocked her (which is a pretty clear indicator she's done) and she responds "Well, I won't block you, I'll be around whenever you need me" wouldn't that make you roll your eyes too? You'd be frustrated that this person still wasn't clearing hearing that there is no relationship, period. Combine that with the fact that she probably feels bad about the way she handled things, and it's not surprising she was mean. She became mean to get her point across that it's done, thinking that it was the only way to make you go away. The fact that she then talked to you later on IM proves that she does feel bad about the way she handled things, but this chat was motivated by guilt and was a way to make herself feel better about herself, not you. Go back to NC - ignore the holidays, ignore the birthdays. If she realizes later she wants you, she'll come find you. But you need to move on. I was long gone, I wasnt talking to her, asking about her, seeing her. I wasnt even posting on here about her. I thought it may have been her in the store behind me but I didnt even look back to see. She stopped me, I was being civil trying to show no hard feelings mentioning if she ever wanted coffee or something and turned to leave, she stopped me from leaving and started talking again. As for therapy, I came on here for thoughts on what that whole thing was about, but it turns out everyone's thinking I'm sitting here steeped in depression. I'm not up here daily talking about this, if I hadnt run into her last night I still wouldnt be thinking about it. I ran into her and she said some things and I wanted to run it by some objective eyes to see if there's anything for me to learn from it. Instead I'm the bad guy/depressed one cause I'm trying to improve myself and not make the same mistakes I may have made with this girl. To think I've been catching grief from all my friends for always avoiding ex's like the plague. I try to be nice to this girl and the thoughts are that I'm trying to get her back and not just being nice. I know how this works, if you break up its the dumper that is responsible for fixing things. A mind change against its will does not change. I didnt expect for me to be the bad guy by bringing up how she acted last night. I ran into another one this past weekend who basically tells me that she never wanted to break up and wants me back and wants to date again. I dont want to do that because it never had the "intensity" that others have had.
Art_Critic Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Instead I'm the bad guy/depressed one cause I'm trying to improve myself and not make the same mistakes I may have made with this girl. I'm not trying to make you out to be a bad guy.. just trying to help some..I didn't mean to come off that way... I kept seeing your posts as pinning away for someone who never was and I was trying to get you to see that pinning away for her isn't a good thing.. Call it tough love if you will.. Have you blocked and deleted her from your IM yet ?
Author Jknoxville32 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 I'm not trying to make you out to be a bad guy.. just trying to help some..I didn't mean to come off that way... I kept seeing your posts as pinning away for someone who never was and I was trying to get you to see that pinning away for her isn't a good thing.. Call it tough love if you will.. Have you blocked and deleted her from your IM yet ? No worries, I guess Im starting to get a bit defensive because i dont feel like I did anything wrong in this and at this point it seems like I'm not doing anything right after by asking/wondering about these things. The earlier posts were definitely pining, now its the here and there kind of thing but nothing out of the ordinary. The not knowing her comment puts me on edge because I know more about her than I do about some friends I've had for years, maybe its only facts though when you come down to it. I can predict my friends behavior a lot better than I could predict hers after last night and how it went against what I thought I knew. Posting about last night was only about reconciliation in the sense of did I miss something, etc. Reconciling why she acted the way she did through objective eyes, if I was out of line, scammed, etc. Yeah i deleted her since it seems like a big deal for some reason, but like I said to her I never pay attention to putting people on and off my list. I never delete anyone up there, mainly cause when I do and they IM with all these goofy usernames, we all have, I cant remember who it is. When I have them on the list they're labeled and I know who I'm talking too. Ironically enough she always shows under an ex from two years ago whose still on my buddy list and whose username I dont even remember. I see it as just a list and a way to stay in touch if need be, even if I havent talked to someone in years. Bits and bytes are cheap and it doesnt hurt anything.
alwayshurt Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 No worries, I guess Im starting to get a bit defensive because i dont feel like I did anything wrong in this and at this point it seems like I'm not doing anything right after by asking/wondering about these things. The earlier posts were definitely pining, now its the here and there kind of thing but nothing out of the ordinary. The not knowing her comment puts me on edge because I know more about her than I do about some friends I've had for years, maybe its only facts though when you come down to it. I can predict my friends behavior a lot better than I could predict hers after last night and how it went against what I thought I knew. Posting about last night was only about reconciliation in the sense of did I miss something, etc. Reconciling why she acted the way she did through objective eyes, if I was out of line, scammed, etc. Yeah i deleted her since it seems like a big deal for some reason, but like I said to her I never pay attention to putting people on and off my list. I never delete anyone up there, mainly cause when I do and they IM with all these goofy usernames, we all have, I cant remember who it is. When I have them on the list they're labeled and I know who I'm talking too. Ironically enough she always shows under an ex from two years ago whose still on my buddy list and whose username I dont even remember. I see it as just a list and a way to stay in touch if need be, even if I havent talked to someone in years. Bits and bytes are cheap and it doesnt hurt anything. JK, you do what you feel to do. You don't have to listen to people advices if you don't want to. Your story is very sad but not different from many others. As you probably have been reading, many fellas have gone through the same pain. Maybe in a different form but the pattern is always the same. I agree with some posts here regarding the early intensity in a relationship. They always end bad for one or the other. You have all the right to feel pissed, angry and if I may, used. Don't look for any answers because ther is none. It will only drive you crazy. You are not insane nor a psycho. You are just human! Learn from this experience; read the book that many people have suggested (I haven't but it seems it works). Next time you meet somebody that sparks you up wait a as long as it's needed before you open yourself and say "I am in love with you". Things is that this girl probably never lied to you. She did really care but her level of feelings was not as intense as yours and when she saw you were too far ahead she lost attraction. It happens all the time. Remember...women usually are more sensitive than men and an "I love you" said by them is not as shocking as it can be if said by a men. They just like to feel good but too much good turns them off. You still need to show some masculinity and this emotional approach that some men have (called also the "nice guy sindrome) is translated by women as a lack of self-confidence thus causing rejection. Many women will jump right up saying that I am wrong but I know I am not. I have been in many relationship and realized that the less I show care the more I see her bending to my feet. Thru is the opposite. Do I want to be an A*****E? No, definetely not. Do I want to be a doormat? Neither that. Do I believe a balance exists? Yes, but in order to make a relationship work feelings must be delivered in small doses, from both sides. So don't blame yourself for what you did. Don't listen to people that tell you to go see a therapist, unless you really think you need one. As anything else, a "relationship" is something we need to learn how to hundle. The more you date the more you will figure out the dos and donts until it becomes natural. But don't underestimate your self confidence because that is the key to generate attraction. Take care man. I know you'll be fine.
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Sorry, J, I'm not trying to knock you. I didn't mean it negatively. I guess I'm still focused on the title of the post which was asking about her return chances. I assumed you posted your follow-up message on the same thread because you were still wondering about the likelihood of that scenario. Anyway, it sounds like you are doing well and don't even want her back, so good for you.
franny_s Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Anyway, she was mean to you because she probably thinks you weren't hearing her. If you no longer wanted to be with someone and you tell her you have blocked her (which is a pretty clear indicator she's done) and she responds "Well, I won't block you, I'll be around whenever you need me" wouldn't that make you roll your eyes too? You'd be frustrated that this person still wasn't clearing hearing that there is no relationship, period. Combine that with the fact that she probably feels bad about the way she handled things, and it's not surprising she was mean. She became mean to get her point across that it's done, thinking that it was the only way to make you go away. The fact that she then talked to you later on IM proves that she does feel bad about the way she handled things, but this chat was motivated by guilt and was a way to make herself feel better about herself, not you. It's hard to disagree with this. I've just gone through exactly the same thing JKnoxville, the ex turns up, cruel behaviour, NC, being kept on a string (you can read my post about sending his things back) I got the cruel behaviour the night I get off the plane from an o/s trip - I was completely brushed off. I call back later that night, leave a msg, nothing. I do the same the next morning and he calls me back, when I asked why he treated me that way he said it was because "he had so much going on, my life has been turned upside down" and he thought it the best way to handle it. I told him it wasn't, the truth is and it was cruel. He agreed - it's totally a sign of emotional immaturity as well as cowardly. I think what might be holding you back is that you never really got an explanation or an answer. You don't even know if she went back to him. Exactly the same for me, I have no idea if they are together or not. Take is as her issue(s) and not yours. I did send his things back after two weeks of moping and it felt and feels great (though there's still a little sadness) - the same with the IM, delete her, it's great to feel control again. If she can't give you the decency of an explanation, as much as it hurts, you deserve more. We all do
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