Jmina feels her loss

[Jmina]

Guys,

I love her, and i miss her so much. NC isn't working for me. It has worked in many ways like growing inner strength, and letting myself heal a bit without her being around.. but also i cant get what she used to be and what we used to be out of my head. i cherish her so much and i cant stop thinking about if the love and connection we had will reunite us someday??

I've been upset and crying again, and flirt with the idea of msging her, but then i know that if i get a bad response i expect to just hit rock bottom again so i decide against it. but i have been writing her texts (not intending to send them) saying what i really want to say and then i kind of imagine sending it and think about what negative things she might write back and i delete it.

 

i miss her dreadfully. i didnt want her gone out of my life forever. i wont find another person like her, and i will always think about her and and miss this person.

 

 

she was like the girl i never had...the best friend i never had, the love i never had, the spot in my soul i never had, and then she was there and i was so fullfilled and then it was gone again.

 

i am still strong, i find happiness, i am grateful and energtic and happy and a great person to be around, but then i go to bed and remember her and cry myself to sleep, i have a deep loss and sadness in me.

as i write this my bottom lip is quivering and im sure my face looks like the saddest expression you would see on a girl.

what ever shall i do with these feelings besides writing them down?

 

maybe i need to manage my pain like i used to when it was all still fresh. get some help books, write my heart out, talk about it again and cry about it again.

 

i dont know. but is she realy living her life without missing me ? without thinking of me? without flirting with the idea of contacting me?

 

we really did have something even as friends, and both of us never felt that spark before. is it too early for her to see that with what she is going through in her own life and loss of her nanna.

 

today its all about her again... i need to make it about me again. but it still doesnt quite take away that loss i feel like she has died. i expect to not hear from her ever and that is what i am dealing with. its been 6 months. it musnt be enough time for me to heal.

[Spinderella]

Jmina (hugs),

You have helped everybody here so much, and I just don't know what to say. Do you think you would be happier to be her friend? I mean do you think it is the loss of her as a person you are mourning rather than as a lover?

[funkybassplayer]

Contacting her at this stage is pointless, as you are not ready to. Keep moving forward, its the best way. U will have ups n downs, but the more time is put the less the ups n downs will be. Keep moving forward, eventaly the cord will break, and you will once agian be free. Take a break from here, sometimes this site can bring you back to your own pain. Do whats right for you, but until you have reached a better plave in your head, contact is not worth the pain. She would have contacted you if love was there still, and you are in no place to offer her a freindship of any sort.

[carrotgirl]

Jmina-luv, where are you at in your cycle? I'm noticing this is exactly one month since your last meltdown. Wondering if something real and physical is adding to your distress...

 

Beyond that, do you think you need your ex in your life enough so that you'd be willing to call, tell her you could use a friend and tea and sympathy and ask if she'd be willing to give some? If the answer is no, then you can start your upward climb to normalcy since you know you're not ready or not wanting to go there.

 

funkybass makes his usual good points but since I like to think about possibilities I'm going to argue a bit not because I disagree per se, but because I see other paths...

 

There is no way of knowing what will be so it might just be that contact would be good, cathartic, freeing. Who knows? If you think you can find comfort from contact it might be worth it. If you think you can't find comfort then you have your answer; don't bother.

 

Yah. I don't believe that stuff about when love is still there she'll contact you. There are countless reasons why someone might not. Girlfriend, if you want this woman in your life, you may have to make more effort.

 

Regarding time and head space. You may not reach a better place in your head. Of course we know you will, but let's say there is never a perfect time to contact. You have to go with what you think is good for you.

 

Offering friendship. Now that's a funny one. It's possible that for strong women and possible for selfish givers, taking is in fact, an act of friendship. It's a way of evening out the invisible relationship debt.

 

An act of sheer unthinking taking can be considered generous and desirable the same way seemingly selfless giving can be a big equilibrium detractor. So maybe being a little needy isn't necessarily a bad thing.

 

Lots of possibilities. But first look to your body? Yes? Are your hormones out of whack? What have you been eating and drinking the past day or so? Do you need more or less of something in your system? (All sexual innuendo considered but there just wasn't a better way to ask!)

 

Come talk to us, we love you.

Carrot

[Spinderella]

If it is true that it is cyclical, then, make sure you get all of your vitamins and minerals, and live enzymes, and tons of exercise. Not that that will be helpful now, but, for the next time...

You know that all of the love you felt with her, is already you dont you

[Jmina]

Hey guys,

 

thanks for your support it means so much!

 

Spind:I think if we became friends, both of us would be jelous of each other, and we would both become confused again.

 

What i want to know is that is she willing to be friends later down the track? when she was in her angry stage she said she doesnt want to be friends for a very long time and that is if it gets to that... but i just don't believe her. I know her so well, and i can see through her very well when she is talking by emotion. I truly feel one day we will be in contact again. I'm just struggling with the chance that it might not happen.

I also don't agree with "by the time it gets to that point you wont care if shes your friend or not" because it isn't always true. I do find my case to be slightly different in the fact that i will always adore this girl whether there are romantic feelings there or not. I know that i will be able to be her friend one day and yes i will always want her in my life somehow. I would love to know how she is doing in 5 or 10 years, meet her partner, or any children, she if she has achieved those wonderful goals she has set out for herself. I'm jsut not a bitter resentful person and so it is very hard for me to get to a point where "i wouldnt care anymore" because i know this is an unconditional love.

 

On the cyclical front, i do get lots of great excercise (im a ballet dancer) and i also eat well, i love my food and it loves me! =)

 

 

"Contacting her at this stage is pointless, as you are not ready to. Keep moving forward, its the best way. U will have ups n downs, but the more time is put the less the ups n downs will be. Keep moving forward, eventaly the cord will break, and you will once agian be free. Take a break from here, sometimes this site can bring you back to your own pain. Do whats right for you, but until you have reached a better plave in your head, contact is not worth the pain. She would have contacted you if love was there still, and you are in no place to offer her a freindship of any sort. "

 

Funkybaseplayer: thanks for your input also. I will and do take it into consideration. i have taken a break from LS, and only just came back on last night for some help since ive been feeling down for a while. and have avoided LS.

when i said i flirted with the idea of contacting her, thats all it was. Im not going to contact her on a spontanious whim, i would do it when i am at a point to consider pros and cons, and appreciate where i am at and if i could handle it or not. I think strict no contact is usually the best way to go, but i think after some time people might need to see what is really going on in their world also and see that they arent the superstar that they romantasise about.

I feel that if i was in contact with her and i saw that she goes through ups and downs too, i would start to realise that she isnt having the wonderful life without me that i dream up and feel upset about. I think it would give me some reality rather than making things up in my head, and from then i feel that contact every now and then would be okay to deal with in my healing. If she is having a wonderful life, well good for her, i will want the same for myself and i will just hop back on the healing wagon. I mean Strict NC is just not working. It is 6 months since we broke up. If something is going to work, you would see an upward process all the time. I don't feel this is happening. I do many good things for myself, to keep highspirited and hopeful and i allow myself time to grieve and cry also,however the no contact is basically driving me insane with curiosity and hurt that wont heal. I do know that if i keep nc forever that it will be a sore spot for a very very very long time. - i dont want that. I have to try something else that is carefully thought through. Im not saying now is the right time, but its getting closer. I also dont want to live my life with "what if"

 

 

 

 

Carrotgirl: You noticed something spot on, i am right at the start of my cycle and it is definately a big part of my sadness that i deal with each month! when i am at my best the feelings are still there but i can carry on much better being happier and enjoying life and not focusing on how much i miss or love her. I expect to improve in a few days, but i feel that it always comes back to me when i'm in my cycle.

 

"Beyond that, do you think you need your ex in your life enough so that you'd be willing to call, tell her you could use a friend and tea and sympathy and ask if she'd be willing to give some? If the answer is no, then you can start your upward climb to normalcy since you know you're not ready or not wanting to go there."

 

I would love to be able to call her and chat, start a new relationship between us (platonic) i have a very good memory of when we were just friends, and i think about it a lot. Sometimes more so that the relationship. I really do miss her as a friend and person, and our friendly-guideful chats we had. I feel that i would be able to do that again at some stage.

 

 

I also don't believe that stuff about when love is still there she'll contact. There are many types of love, and you can love from afar. I know my ex and i know what she is also dealing with now and countless reasons to why she hasnt contacted me yet. I know that she isnt ready yet. Basically if we were back in each others lives it would be a headf*** because we do have a strong connection, things would become confusing and its too hard for her to deal with now basically. I do belive i am thrown in the too hard basket for now. She didnt leave me because she didnt love me.

 

I have also had a strong hunch that she is going to contact me in a few months, and i am kind of preparing for it. So i will be most balanced and healed to be able to accept any friendship or even just a random chat. I am also preparing myself for the future to be able to be in the right position to consider a relationship again (with someone new) and i have been having thoughts-daydreams of the feeling i get when there are sparks between two people and wondering who they might be? its very exciting and a good stage for me to get to.

 

fewf well i think thats everything out of my head and down into cyber world.

 

thanks guys

[funkybassplayer]

being friends with her how your feeling is impossible, as you know, as it will hurt too much. but i assure you that you will get to a point where you will not be in this deep emotional state, and frineds on your part may be possible, but by that time, you may just want to keep moving forward, and leave her as part of your memories, rather than risk feeling crap again. I think its the 6 month stage, and its like a milestone a bit. sometimes its just better that way. try to let go of what shes thinkink, indeed, wish her well, and not the opposite. Doing that will release you from any guilt, and help you to move forward. Personally if she said i dont want to be frineds for a long time, then just go with it. You have to let her go in your heart, and its at that time when she may contact you.

[LoisLane]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move along already. It's not the end of the world. It may seem like it but believe me, it isn't.

[bigheartkindsoul]

Hey guys,

 

 

 

I have also had a strong hunch that she is going to contact me in a few months, and i am kind of preparing for it. So i will be most balanced and healed to be able to accept any friendship or even just a random chat.

 

I am also preparing myself for the future to be able to be in the right position to consider a relationship again (with someone new) and i have been having thoughts-daydreams of the feeling i get when there are sparks between two people and wondering who they might be? its very exciting and a good stage for me to get to.

 

fewf well i think thats everything out of my head and down into cyber world.

 

thanks guys

 

Yeah I think about this, wondering when the time will come for him to get in contact, I don't think I could handle so if you can you are doing very well. I think mine will be a Xmas card in the post, he won't call cause he dumped me by text so just won't happen (thankfully).

 

Just perhaps don't get too hopeful and wait for that call, text, contact - in case it doesn't happen.

 

In time you will want to be with someone new, nd be able to give them all of your heart, once you have fully healed. It just takes time and getting the grief out.

 

xxx

[Jmina]

oh believe me i am much more stronger than a few of you have given me credit for.

 

also funkybase player i dont let myself become guilty or bitter, i have always stayed open hearted if not it lasts briefly and ive pulled myself out of it. this is something i try to get across to others, so i am well aware about that one.

 

im not going to contact her as ive said either. the reason i come on her and point everything im thinking down is to continue moving forward. and to get over hurdles that arise such as the 6month mark and wondering what shes thinking about now. and just like every other hurdle wondering what shes thinking about is something i will get over. and i agree that this is something important to disolve. how ever i still dont think NC is the way for me forever. even the way i am feeling now which is quite good, and most of the time i am back to being my happy old self again.

 

LoisLane this is more than feeling sorry for myself, in fact your right off the ball. im grieving her loss, im feeling what its like to live without my best friend over our birthdays, xmas through our performances that we shared.after the initial stage of shock and devestation has gone, now im back into normal life, more balanced emotions and much more positive affirmations etc. i am well aware it is not the end of the world...i never suggested it was? in fact i found your post humourous and a little annoying as it was totally off the mark. when i am upset and cry for her, im not feeling sorry for myself. because i am able to pick myself up quite quickly again after i have released any hurt from her absense.

 

but thanks for your offer of help anyway..

 

 

 

sometimes i wish ls's would actually read what differnt people have written and maybe take the time to follow stories because there isnt a mainstream way to heal for everybody.

 

Its all fine and good to give people advice saying

 

"stop feeling sorry for yourself"

 

 

if people knew the answers to this then they would carry it out. maybe shed some light on how to do those.

 

just incase your wondering....

 

to stop feeling sorry for yourself L's read my post to bigkindheartsoul. im well aware how to stay away from that.

 

Something i havent really shed light on in my posts is that i see my ex different to how people think i do.

 

i dont think of her as my lover anymore, nor was that all i saw her as when we were together. i think of her as many different things all combined into one. I see her like a child that i loved to care for, like a sister - and how they connect, like a mother - how she cared for people and for myself - a best friend, a young woman and watched her grow and change as she went through different emotions. i see her as a person. not as my lover. this is much different.

 

i am not sitting on my couch crying to myself i will never find another partner like her, i want to make love to her, i want her back, i wont find anyone else for me. i went through that in the first 3 months.

its different.

 

true i will never have a nother person in my life like her, the same goes if i lost other people out my life. i would grieve for them also and acknowledge that i will never find someone else like them.

 

most people dont realise the sexual side behind it either. i dont even know if i want to end up with a woman now either, i am able to disconnect her from that side because it wasnt what i loved her for.

 

this is something i havnt tried to explain before but this is what makes my situation different from the girl boy breakup. and unless you have been in my shoes or have experienced something similiar i dont expect you to really understand.

[Spinderella]

Jmina the ballerina , I was interrupted replying to you earlier...

In no way would I underestimate the karmic connection that you feel with her. But I would like to ask, what is it you want? What do you want to feel now?

[Spinderella]

Jmina, I just read your responses to BHKS, and can honestly say, that the best advice you could ever recieve is "Read your own advice". Honestly, you're so wise.

Perhaps you periodically go through this, in order to nudge yourself back onto the path you know you need to be on.

[Jmina]

thankyou spinderella, xxxx

 

i think i will take a look at what i wrote...

 

 

love jmina the ballerina

 

xxx

[Jmina]

What is it that i want?

 

well, i want her back.

 

i dont know in what form, but yeh i want her back.

 

 

i love 'er, will always.

 

if i had the choice to forget her, like in the movies - the neuriliser thingy...which deletes all your current memory...i would refuse it. in a second. how wonderful that i got to experience what i did. and learnt what i have, and feel the love that i hold for myself and for her and everybody else. i am a happy person, sometimes i am sad. sometimes i am v.sad but in my depths of sadness i still own my inner strength i earnt it. in my depths of sadness i still have a lot of hope. in my depths of sadness i still love myself for who i am. i am more than okay. i am someone who experiences the highs and lows of love and i can help people because of it, i see beauty in everything because of it, and i can help myself because of it.

 

again i learn to love her from afar and accept this is how i feel and i am fine with it because i know one day i will get what i deserve.

 

 

one day i might feel different and i might want to truly move on, but i wont get there if dont accept what im feeling now.

Jmina

[Spinderella]

i am a happy person, sometimes i am sad. sometimes i am v.sad but in my depths of sadness i still own my inner strength i earnt it. in my depths of sadness i still have a lot of hope. in my depths of sadness i still love myself for who i am. i am more than okay. i am someone who experiences the highs and lows of love and i can help people because of it, i see beauty in everything because of it, and i can help myself because of it.

Jmina, you would have to have all of those qualities and more, judging by your posts, and the understanding you show from them.

one day i might feel different and i might want to truly move on, but i wont get there if dont accept what im feeling now.

Jmina

Yes. Very true. In accepting it, you can look at it bravely, without denial, and if you can do that, then you can dissolve and dissipate it. Perhaps because you dont want to let go of the beautiful aspects, you are holding on to ALL of it. Do you think this may be true?

[bigheartkindsoul]

What is it that i want?

 

well, i want her back.

 

i dont know in what form, but yeh i want her back.

 

 

i love 'er, will always.

 

if i had the choice to forget her, like in the movies - the neuriliser thingy...which deletes all your current memory...i would refuse it. in a second. how wonderful that i got to experience what i did. and learnt what i have, and feel the love that i hold for myself and for her and everybody else. i am a happy person, sometimes i am sad. sometimes i am v.sad but in my depths of sadness i still own my inner strength i earnt it. in my depths of sadness i still have a lot of hope. in my depths of sadness i still love myself for who i am. i am more than okay. i am someone who experiences the highs and lows of love and i can help people because of it, i see beauty in everything because of it, and i can help myself because of it.

 

again i learn to love her from afar and accept this is how i feel and i am fine with it because i know one day i will get what i deserve.

 

 

one day i might feel different and i might want to truly move on, but i wont get there if dont accept what im feeling now.

Jmina

 

totally can relate, totally can see myself in alot of what you have written especially the last line. {{{{hugs}}}}

[sedgwick]

Oh Jmina, I know how you feel. I feel it every second of every day. I think, does he really just not miss me at all? After how sweet and special and amazing it was? After all the times we marveled at having found each other, at finally having met someone so like ourselves? Was he really able to just walk away and be perfectly happy not to talk to me ever again?

 

Why do you think your girl won't ever respond to you? What happened that was so bad you think you'll never speak again?