PLAYBRAT Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Hi everyone.... I have a very good friend who I developed strong feelings for in the last three years..He recently got married...because according to him...she got pregnant and he is "doing the right thing".IMO He does not even seem happy. He NEVER talks about her...OR them as a couple. They had a fairly rocky relationship before they married....and I think he just decided to really try to make it work. This has not really changed my feelings for him....but I respect his relationship Anyway...Last night we were talking and I simply asked him about how things were going.I asked him when the baby was due. And his reply was "I don't know, and I am trying not to even think about it". That shocked me because he was married before and has two other kids whom he adores. So it's not that he is afraid of being a dad for the first time. So I asked "do you know if it's a boy or girl? And he said... 'No. Change the subject". So I did.... I just don't know. What would make a guy react like this about someone having his child? I asked my brother and he said he thinks it sounds like he feels like he was trapped and he's resentful. That was MY thoughts too..but of course I won't push the issue. From their history...I get the impression she got pregnant on purpose, or maybe that she wasn;t even pregnant at all. Of course I had those thoughts because she was getting someone that I wanted for myself.... but I have accepted this is the way things are. I want HIM to be happy. And we'll be friends regardless... I guess I just want opinions on why he would feel this way? Thanks...
fluffy0 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Of course I had those thoughts because she was getting someone that I wanted for myself.... I think thats the main problem here. He may have made a mistake in trying to 'do the right" thing and marrying because of a pregnancy, but my guess is that the main reason it bothers you is that you keep thinking you could have been a much better match for him. I think that his bad relationship with his wife may have rekindled your hope in getting him back. He feels bad because he probably feels trapped in the marriage to a woman he may not love. If you truly want whats best for him encourage him to work on the marriage and point out his wife's good qualities. if that is too painful for you b/c u still have feelings for him, just ignore the subject and don't say anything. They are a family now, and it is in their best interest to stay together. Sometimes marriages start out bad but get better with some work.
Geishawhelk Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 PlayBrat - walk away. I see huge, gigantic mountainous issues here, and you're just complicating things. You do not want to be in the middle of this when the shootola hits the fan.....
Author PLAYBRAT Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Thanks....I understand what you guys are saying. I agree I should probably walk away...but we have been friends for a long time. I really don't think I am a better "match" for him....and I am in no way hoping their marriage doesn't work out. As I said....I want him to be happy either way. If he no longer wanted me in his life, I would never bother him again if it meant his life would be better....and I have even talked to him about that. He IS the one who wants me around. This has been a dilemma for me for a few months...and I am contemplating doing a few months NC with him as a way to distance myself.... I know if it's a TRUE friendship that doing that won't make a difference or hurt it. What do you guys think? It's just so hard for me. We talk on an almst every day basis...so yes there would be a void.
Geishawhelk Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 OK. So, read my last post again. And then follow through.
Author PLAYBRAT Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Thanks Geisha. You are right. For my own good I need to do this.... I know this is HIS dilemma and not mine...if it works out great and if not..it's his cross to bear. Why is this so hard for me??? It should be easy..but it's not.
amaysngrace Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 When he asks you to change the subject it means he's not willing to talk about his feelings with you. His deepest most intimate feelings. The conversations you have with him are meaningless. Can you see that? This guy doesn't sound as if he's much good. And why you're allowing yourself to be burdened with his mess is beyond me. He's not deep enough to require deep thinking about IMO.
Geishawhelk Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Because your natural instinct as a friend is to reach out and be there. it's what friends are for. So getting out and keeping a low profile seems to go against what friends do for one another. If he calls you and asks why he isn't seeing you or hearing from you, and why aren't you keeping in touch, be honest with him. You get the very big impression that all is not well with his situation, and your friendship may be in danger of getting in the way of rational thinking and selfless support. So you're keeping out of the way until he's clearer on what he feels he wants to do about this. You'll always be a friend for him, and you'll always be there for him. But in this case, you're staying in the background because you don't need to be suspected, or used as ammunition, by his pregnant wife - !!
Author PLAYBRAT Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Amays: Thanks for the reality check. I guess you are right. I am the one who is burdening myself with this. I don't think it's all meaningless...but maybe to him it is. The thing is..I am not a dumb or naive person, but I admit when it comes to him I DON'T see things as clearly as I should..I'm working on that. Geisha: Thanks for the advice. I will definetely use it.... Sometimes the truth DOES hurt....
amaysngrace Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I admit when it comes to him I DON'T see things as clearly as I should..I'm working on that. Just focus on his sh*t qualities. Like all those kids. And he didn't marry for love. And well, you know him. Focus on the sh*t. And want more for yourself.
Author PLAYBRAT Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 I am going to start NC with him...and we will see how things go. I am not going to announce it..I will just hope things work out for the best. I honestly hope I don;t hear from him because I don't want to have to explain anything to him...and it really IS harder to maintain when I hear from him. I will let you all know how things go. Thanks for taking the time to reply....
Author PLAYBRAT Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 LOL...thanks AMays....I hope with time and distance his **** qualities will be glaringly OBVIOUS..
amaysngrace Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Good luck with NC. I think you'll do fine.
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