lexi29 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 so my ex and I dated for 3 yrs and he left me for someone else. Left her after only 3 weeks and wants to get back together with me now. I'm trying to resist (slipped up and spent last weekend with him) but its so hard. Now I have something else that is also causing me to be angry and depressed and don't know what to do. I have a friend I'll call him Ben, he and I have been close friends for the last 14 yrs. We've been thru a lot. A year after we met his best friend (and my ex) was killed in a car accident. So we went thru the pain of that together. We dated my jr. year of high school for 5 months. We went to the prom together. We never slept together. I was the one who broke it off with him because I wanted to spend time with friends. Ever since then we've been best friends. Almost like brother and sister. I see him as one of my female friends almost- we talk about everything, share secrets, go shopping together- he loves to go shoe shopping and so do I, and we have a lot in common. He used to stay at my apartment one night a week and we'd just hang out and watch movies. He's taken me to his work christmas party for the last 3 years, he went to my sister's wedding with me and my ex. (He gets along with my ex) We can talk for hours on the phone. Well recently he started dating this girl I'll call her Sue. They were basically f*ck buddies and then she gave him an ultimatum so he started dating her. Last month she bought a house and invited him to move in. So now they live togehter ( I should point out that he hasnt even told her "I love you" yet because he said he's not sure if he does but thinks his feelings for Sue will grow.) anyway she is 6 years older than me (I'm 29) and four years older than Ben. I have always tried to make her feel comfortable. Before they were officially dating she was trying to be my friend (to get close to Ben) and I was nice to her. When they started dating this summer I invited both of them to go on vacation with me and my ex. We rented a cabin and I let them stay two extra nights (free of charge) alone so they would have time to themselves. I thought that was a nice gesture in accepting her as his girlfriend. I"ve never been rude or mean to her and anytime all of us would go out I would always try to talk to her more than to Ben to make her feel included. When they had a housewarming party I couldn't attend but got HER a gift and put a lot of thought into it and she didn't even call or email to say thanks. whenever he calls me and she is around I always tell him to tell Sue I said hi. She never does the same. Well since my ex left I've been trying to hang out with friends more. So I asked Ben if he wanted to go out to eat. I gave him plenty of advance notice so he could talk it over with Sue (it would just be the two of us, sue wasn't invited) We were going to go eat pizza during the week. Sue at first said she didn't have a problem with it so we were going to go last night. Well Sue evidently DID have a problem with it because before we went (Ben was in class at college) she kept calling him and leaving these 4 minute long messages about how she didn't think it was right that she wasn't invited and texting him and creating all this drama. She did this for about five hours and he finally called me (he was livid at her) and told me he was cancelling as he was too upset/mad at Sue to enjoy hanging out with me anyway and didn't want to be in a bad mood around me (we always have fun when we hang out). I got a little bummed out cause I was looking forward to hanging out (and I dont' have much to look forward to these days). He told me that Sue had gotten mad last week when he called me (she was there) to tell me he was upset that these fancy fish that he'd just gotten a few weeks back had died. He wanted to know if I knew what the problem could be. Sue was mad that he'd asked me for advice. He also said that she told him he shouldn't be talking to me about anything that "is none of Lexi's business" whatever that means. our conversation (the one that made her mad) must have lasted only ten minutes because I was in the middle of watchign Grey's Anatomy. We didn't talk about ANYTHIGN personal. He just asked how I was doing and told me he was bummed about his fish. I feel like I"m on her "list". She already made him cut one of his long time female friends (not very close though) out of his life because she didn't like her. He wasn't allowed to attend this girl's wedding this summer. So I almost feel like I'm next. I am NO threat to her. I would never want to date Ben. We are like brother and sister and I have absolutely no interest in him that way and he feels the same about me. He thinks Sue is insecure because she is heavy and I'm very thin and she feels threatened because I'm cute. that is ridiculous. I mean we've been friends for 14 years and NOTHING has ever happened. Yes, we talk, we have a great time together, we make eachother laugh but we could never date. It would ruin the friendship. I'm not his type at all- he thinks I'm very attractive- and vice versa but i"m about 5ft tall and he's 6 ft 5!! Ben values my opinion and if I wanted to ruin his relationship with Sue I probably could. He is already unhappy with her about a lot of things (and they just moved in together and should be in the honeymoon phase!!) and if I was a b*tch and started making comments about Sue and her weight and her personality and telling him he could do MUCH better (and truthfully he could and it has nothing to do with her appearance, she doesnt' have a great personality either as she is "fake" tries to act all nice to your face and like nothing is wrong and then throws a fit behind your back. And if I expressed my disapproval for Sue then Ben would probably start looking elsewhere for someone to date because he really values his friends' opinions. but I've kept my mouth shut. Even though I've had to listen to him b*tch for hours about her. I've tried to be her friend, tried to make her feel comfortable. tried to tell her that nothing is going on and nothing will ever happen between Ben and me. But she STILL has a problem with me. And I'm scared I'm going to lose the close friendship I have with Ben because of her. I mean she's already interferred with Ben and I trying to hang out last night. What can I do? I feel like not only did I lose my ex I'm losing my best friend too.
simon sez Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 She has good reason to be jealous. You can't be very smart if you don't understand her position in this. You should POLITELY and RESPECTFULLY bow out of the friendship for now. If you two are truley friends, then your friendship will survive not having contact with each other. Some day the shoe could be on the other foot for you. This girl RIGHTFULLY sees you as a threat. You are causing problems between them. Bow out. If he's a big boy and really likes her, he should understand her feelings and put his friendship with you on another level. True friendships change as time goes on.
Author lexi29 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Sorry, but I don't appreciate you saying that I'm not very smart. You don't even know me. I Do understand the position Sue is in and thats why I tried to make her feel more comfortable with the situation. I am NOT bowing out of my friendship with him. We've been friends for 14 years!!! I'm not suddenly dropping him as a friend because his girlfriend is insecure. (and she won't even admit it) I just went through a horrible break up less than 2 months ago and I'm not losing one of my best friends as well now. I talked to him last night and he said that Sue says she's not threatened by our friendship- just that she doesn't want him to have anyone else in his life (friends or family) that he goes to advice or conversation for. So basically she wants to isolate him from everyone so the only -person he has in his life is her. She is SIX years older than me and I'm acting far more mature about the situation than she is (she sent me an email saying Ben (my friend) is a lying manipulating a**h*le and that he twists everythign she says to make her look bad. She is saying these things about her own boyfriend. He and I had a long talk last night and he said she said she doesnt' care if we hang out. So he is going to test this and we are going to go to dinner next week. He said if she says anything negative or causes drama he will just tell her its too bad and that he is not giving up any of his friends to be with her. So that makes me feel better. That our friendship is important to him. I honestly am NOT a threat to their relationship. I would never entice him to cheat on her and I have no romantic interest in him what so ever. And vice versa.
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