Wildcat62 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Hi all. I am new to the forum, and I have quite a bit on my mind that I need to express. if this is too long, I dont blame you for not reading it. I just need this. I am 20 years old and have finally found a girl that I care about. A little background to let you know where I stand morally and how my past has affected me: Prior to this girl, the most I had ever done with a girl is make out. I have never been in a relationship that developed into anything, just girls that I dated a little for a few monthes or so. In high school, I was the nice guy that girls led on but never wanted anything with(Im not asking for pity). However, I eventually matured some and realized how to act around girls(still in progress). I am not currently a christian(I do believe that there is probably a higher power, but Im just not sure yet), and I previously never thought anything was wrong with premarital sex. I try to live a life that is good, and I am liked and loved by a lot of people and different kinds of people. How I got to here: So I started working at this place in august of 2006 where I met a girl from my area that is 1 year younger than me. I always thought she was attractive, but she had a boyfriend(who was much older) and I just accepted that we could only be friends. our friendship developed into a good one, and low and behold, her relationship with the other guy ended in may of 2007(during our entire friendship, I never once asked her about him and she never said). Our friendship stayed the same, and I was going to be going off to a school 1 hr a way in august. This whole time I was leaving the option open, but I never thought anything would come of it. She started showing interest in me, and I took advantage, and we started dating on the weekends. Up to this point, I pictured her as a good girl that I already cared about and could have something with. We got close quickly, and had sex(she doesnt know I lost my virginity to her), and our feelings both seem to have escalated. Well, something happened one night(long story), but she was embarassed somewhere, and brought up the subject that I and the previous guy had only been with her(i never asked). I didnt say anything really and that was that. My feelings have grown for her and I have become jealous of her past. In someways hurt and someways mad. I just dealt with it and didnt say anything because I didnt feel it was fair of me. Well last weekend we were watching tv, and somehow we got on the topic of stupid things we have done when we were drunk. She hinted at it , and I got out the following story..(once again, she brought this up, I didnt start this crap) She got really drunk(while dating other guy), and went home with somebody else. She clames she does not remember the incident, and woke with her clothes on, but I dont believe it. So I ask why she lied beforehand(when she brought up her past), and she said as far as she knows we are the only two. Well this hurt me. 1) I accepted that she loved that other guy and that is why she wanted to be with him and have sex with him; if she loved him, why would she cheat on him 2) It hurt my image of her. She seemed so perfect to me.. Well. i told her it bothered me, we talked some and things got a bit better. There was something weird with her boyfriend where he thought a girl was having his baby and she was going crazy or something..... Timeout to say: I didnt avoid all sexual experience by choice. I had oppurtunites, but given the oppurtunity, I would have acted immorally as well, but regardless, I didnt SO here I am. Im jealous. Im upset. I worry that this was not a one time thing. The problem is that I think I have fallen for her and she is great to me. Through my hate and heartache of my past, I find it very hard to even be attracted to people anymore. I know we have only been together(mutually acknowledge we are together) for 2.5ish monthes, but I easily see something coming of this. I feel so weak. I wish i didnt care, but I feel that this jealousy and feeling of betrayal isnt going to go away. I feel guilty talking to her because we talked about it so much one weekend that I felt it was driving us apart. I just dont know what to do.
Lyssa Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Wildcat62, I have nothing much to offer except that what happened is in her past. I thought it was admirable of her to admit or rather tell you all about it now (in the beginning of your relationship) then to tell it much later after a year or so. Everyone makes mistake when drunk.. heck they even make mistake when they are not drunk so who are we to judge these people when we make mistakes ourselves? It will take time to get over the feeling of betrayal. I know how you feel because I have been there and it took me a while to get over it but I did. If you think you can't trust her anymore even after giving it a lot of thoughts then I suggest you leave because a relationship without trust is no good.
Zona76 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 She's promiscuous... I hope to God you used a condom. I'm serious Wildcat. This is a serious matter these days. Okay first of all, had you at ANY time told her THIS relationship was an exclusive one? I understand your jealousy...but if you'd not discussed the fact that the 2 of you were NOT to see any others, you have no claim. Seeing her for 2 months is not an established relationship. What is it you want? I suggest if drinking had her do this then you BOTH forget alcohol. Drinking is an excuse many use but also can get plenty of trouble. You both need to sit down and discuss this situation. Give her an "OUT" if she wants it. But let her know with you, and from your side there will always be loyalty.
Dante42 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 My understanding is that you are upset because she might have cheated on her previous bf? Well she hasn't cheated on you and her admitting to mistakes she made in the past shows an awful lot of courage and maturity on her part. She has placed a huge amount of trust in you by confessing this and I urge you to get over your jealous feelings and realise what a wonderful special compliment she has paid you! By baring her soul to you, she demonstrates that she loves and trusts you not to hurt her. Please don't abuse that trust!! Jealousy is a nasty evil despicable emotion but one we are all familiar with. I suggest you need to deal with your jealousy and grow up a bit. Think about how much she has invested herself in you by sharing this part of her past that no doubt she is ashamed of. If you make her suffer for it then she will learn never to risk trusting you again and it will probably doom your relationship with her. Instead of being hurt, you should be happy that she felt she could share this with you. If she makes you happy and you feel so much in love with her then don't be an idiot and jeopardise it by your inability to cope. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and the measure of a person does not lie in there perfection but in their ability to forgive. However in this instance, she has done you no wrong so you don't even need to forgive her! You ask for advice so I'm giving it to you even if it is not what you want to hear. She is not the one with the problem. You are faced with a challenge from which you can choose to grow as a person or you can run from it. If you decide on the latter then you may never find true intimacy in love. Intimacy is impossible without honesty and if you make her feel that she has to keep parts of herself hidden then you are hurting her as well as yourself. If you truly love someone then you love them as they are rather than how you want them to be. You accept that every human being is an amalgam of strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives, good and bad. I think you have put her on a pedestal and she has become some sort of perfect angel and the fall from grace is confusing and distressing the hell out of you. Welcome to the real world. Relationships are not fairy tales. Now is the time to grow a little and learn to love her as she is or if you cannot accept her past then move on to search for that impossible perfect woman you will never find.
Dante42 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Maybe I was a bit harsh, I remember when I was 20, it's a seriously f*** up age to be. Jealousy is a truly horrible emotion and it eats away at you and can ruin your life. You say it "...isn't going to go away" but trust me on this, it will. Time really does heal an awful lot. When I was your age I was at the lowest ebb of my life, a virtual basket case. I had painful feelings I was sure would always be there. But they faded and so will yours. Sometimes I wish I could reach back in time to the troubled young man I once was and tell him that everything really was going to be fine. All I can do is tell you that if you can learn to be strong and take it a day at a time, your painful feelings will fade. If you choose to let those feelings ruin what you have with her then you may well live to regret it. I urge you not to make her suffer for what is after all your problem, your inability to cope. I suggest when you talk to her about it, preface it with an apology because she has certainly not wronged you! Gently explain to her that you have a problem and that you don't blame her at all but ask for her support to help you get over your immaturity. But most importantly, DO NOT let her think for a moment that you think any less of her because of her past. You can get past this. I know it's hard but it is worth the effort. You have an opportunity to grow as a human being and to grow your relationship to a higher level. Don't allow your problems to ruin it!
Author Wildcat62 Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Thank you all very much for reading and providing input I would like to say that I never thought I would feel the way I do, even if I had known beforehand. I dont want to feel this way. I dont think my feelings are justified, and I am frustrated with myself for it. Lyssa, I agree with all that you said. I guess my problem is that I either wish that neither of us had a past, or that I had a more storied past, so that I could truly feel what I believe and think(past is past). Zona76, thank you for your concerns. I have had sex with her multiple times and have used a condom in all instances. We live in a small town area, and I know she is not a total whore. She realizes that we are exclusive and knows that if she does not want that, I want our relationship to end. I really still believe that she is a good person; she's just a girl, and girls decide when they have sex. That is why it bothers me, even if it was just one time. It makes me wonder if our experiences mean nothing more than just sex, and that is valid because we had sex so early. However, we had a strong friendship for a year before dating, and we became flirty monthes before dating. I feel close to her, and I hope and think that she feels the same. Dante42, I believe that you hit the nail on the head. I feel like such a weak person. I mean, I honestly dont judge her(as in right or wrong) for her decisions. It sucks because given a few different decisions on my part, I would have a past, and I dont think I would feel the same. So you are right, I am insecure and have self issues. I guess it boils down to this. I dont want to care about her more than she cares for me. that will just end up in me getting hurt, but I am trying to be bigger than my emotions, and allow for these pains(up and down, not constant) to go away. I dont think any actions on my part would help. I dont want to sleep with anyone else, I just wish that she had only had me, so that I can be special to her. I am just a weak person, and you are right, if it wasnt this flaw, it would be something else. Therefore, I can either never be happy or I just have to compromise my feelings. It just so happens that this truth(the previous mature relationship, the one night stand, and anything else I dont know) cuts me deeper than anything else could, and alot of it is because of my past. I just wish I was equal to her. My current idea is as follows. I am not going to bring it up for awhile, and I am just going to try to have fun and enjoy what we have. If the jealousy is at a level higher than my feelings toward her, I will just break it off and reexamine myself. I feel like a hypocrit because I know if that happens, I will be no different than the way she was, I will have slept with a person I cared about, and will expect people to accept it as the past in my future. That is why I am going to try to let my feelings become more mature. Any additional comments are welcomed. It feels good just to express myself and hear from others.
Lyssa Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Lyssa, I agree with all that you said. I guess my problem is that I either wish that neither of us had a past, or that I had a more storied past, so that I could truly feel what I believe and think(past is past). My current idea is as follows. I am not going to bring it up for awhile, and I am just going to try to have fun and enjoy what we have. If the jealousy is at a level higher than my feelings toward her, I will just break it off and reexamine myself. I feel like a hypocrit because I know if that happens, I will be no different than the way she was, I will have slept with a person I cared about, and will expect people to accept it as the past in my future. That is why I am going to try to let my feelings become more mature. Any additional comments are welcomed. It feels good just to express myself and hear from others. Like you, I wish I didn't have any past that would hurt my current BF but whatever that is in the past, it has helped me to become a better person. We both have a few past experiences that we are not proud of but we don't let it come in between us.. not anymore. Don't bring up, Wildcat62. It will only push her away. My BF would bring up my past (it wasn't like I slept around but just some petnames I called some guys) quite frequently before this and it really drove me up the wall! It was in the past, for heaven's sakes! If you must bring it up, make sure it isn't to judge her but out of curiosity or whatever reasons you might have.
Dante42 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I agree with lyssa. Best to get over it yourself but if you must talk about it with her, be very careful not to let her think you blame her at all. Remember she has done nothing wrong to you and you don't have the right to criticise her past actions. This problem you are having is down to your own human frailty. Do not blame her for it or she will surely resent it.
heatherd1201 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 My current idea is as follows. I am not going to bring it up for awhile, and I am just going to try to have fun and enjoy what we have. If the jealousy is at a level higher than my feelings toward her, I will just break it off and reexamine myself. I feel like a hypocrit because I know if that happens, I will be no different than the way she was, I will have slept with a person I cared about, and will expect people to accept it as the past in my future. That is why I am going to try to let my feelings become more mature. Any additional comments are welcomed. It feels good just to express myself and hear from others. Ok, i can completely agree with you saying that you will feel like a hypocrite if you leave because then you are in a similar place that she is in, hoping that another person will "accept" your past. You need not be so harsh on yourself. Just because she did what she did does NOT mean that she doesnt have true genuine feelings for you. She must have them if she trusted you enough to tell you what she did. EVERYONE has a past. Some are painted with roses, but even roses have thorns..... When you love someone you accept them for who they ARE not who they used to be. Yu dont have to like what she did, but I promise you...you are not always going to like everything about everyone that you date or are friends with or are even related to. Both my fiance and I have "a past" that we are not proud of. But we love each other and trust each other and know that our future together will be 10X better than our pasts were. You need to have faith in yourself. Jealously is one of the 7 deadly sins. It will consume you. I know it will. It is something that we as humans cannot help but feel sometimes... but I promise it will consume you if you let it. I wouldnt bring it up to her. If you do and you tell her that it bothers you and all that then she will be less inclined to confide in you in the future- and if you are to have any kind of a life together you need to be able to talk to each other about anything without fear of judgement or regret. She cant help her past, she can only help what she does now and in the future. Chin up- if she trusts you enough to tell you her secrets, then you have something good and should feel lucky that someone cares as much about you as you do them!
Recommended Posts