The Risk

[Not_Juliet]

Tonight my mom and I had yet another argument about my boyfriend. But this time, it was much more hurtful than usual. Basically, if I stay with my boyfriend and we get married, I will be disowned. Disowned. I will "not be a part of the family."

 

I let my mom know how hurt I am and told her how nice it is to have a family who loves me unconditionally. I never, in my 20 years of life have been so wounded by my mom.

 

What do I do? What do I say to her? Do I tell my boyfriend?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe they don't think he'll take care of you properly? Do you still live at home? Because probably the best thing you can show them is that you can take care of yourself.

 

I would tell your BF. It will leave less explaining to do. And keep you honest with him.

 

Maybe you should tell him that he needs to talk to your mom. And let her know what you mean to him. It will clear up any misconceptions she has about him if he lets her know how much he loves you.

 

Do you think he'd do that?

[Geishawhelk]

How long have you two been going out together?

Why doesn't your mom like him?

What would you choose, if the threat were serious?

(Which trust me, unless your mother already hates you, it isn't. It's emotional blackmail. Know all about that.)

Is your love for your family unconditional? And I do mean, UNCONDITIONAL. Right across the board. non-selective.

(If you can throw that in her face, then I already know the answer. And so, I suspect, do you.)

 

Everything we do comes with an agenda.

What's yours?

[lilkornfreak00]

DON'T tell your bf. If things ever get patched up between you and your mom and she can accept him, you DONT want to tell him about this. Because he may hold a grudge for a very long time.

[Geishawhelk]

Yeh. Guys do that. They are sooo babyish when it comes right down to it.

My partner's 45.

But he's 9.

[WaterTiger]

What exactly does she have against your boyfriend? Prison record? Owns a pit bull? Has green eyes?

 

Or is she just worried that you're too young to scamper off and get married?

[lonelybird]

I guess your mom wants best for you, but in a manipulative and immature and human limited way. It is hard work. why do your mom don't like your boyfriend?

 

Did you tell your mom how you feel hurt by her comment? ask her what is her purpose for this? maybe effective communication lack here? if good communication doesn't work, I guess I will pray if I were you, prayers always worked well for me

[Not_Juliet]

Maybe they don't think he'll take care of you properly? Do you still live at home? Because probably the best thing you can show them is that you can take care of yourself.

 

I would tell your BF. It will leave less explaining to do. And keep you honest with him.

 

Maybe you should tell him that he needs to talk to your mom. And let her know what you mean to him. It will clear up any misconceptions she has about him if he lets her know how much he loves you.

 

Do you think he'd do that?

 

I hadn't thought about having him talk to her. I don't know if they would agree to it, especially my mom. I still live at home, and I think this is a big reason I'm having all these problems.

 

I think he would talk to her, but getting them together might not work out.

[Not_Juliet]

How long have you two been going out together?

Why doesn't your mom like him?

What would you choose, if the threat were serious?

(Which trust me, unless your mother already hates you, it isn't. It's emotional blackmail. Know all about that.)

Is your love for your family unconditional? And I do mean, UNCONDITIONAL. Right across the board. non-selective.

(If you can throw that in her face, then I already know the answer. And so, I suspect, do you.)

 

Everything we do comes with an agenda.

What's yours?

 

We have been going out for 2 years and about 2 months. My mom doesn't like him because she is convinced that he is a liar. I have asked her on several occasions why she thinks he is a liar and to give me one account of a lie. She never gives me an answer and keeps saying that he is a liar, over and over. She says a lot of rude things about him and it's never anything that she could possibly know about.

If her threat is serious, I'm not sure what I would do. Usually, she is never really serious when it comes to things like this. She always makes me do things by threatening me. I don't know that I would marry my boyfriend... at least not any time soon. We both have things we really need to work on before that thought even comes up.

I believe that my love for my family is unconditional, but lately with how things have been happening, I'm not so sure. I have been hurt by several members of my family by the things they have said and done. I don't though, want to give up my family for my boyfriend. Who am I without a family? And what am I to do if it doesn't work out between us? My family can be a hassle and can be downright bad business, but they're all I've got...

[Not_Juliet]

What exactly does she have against your boyfriend? Prison record? Owns a pit bull? Has green eyes?

 

Or is she just worried that you're too young to scamper off and get married?

 

 

Basically there are a few things she doesn't like about him.

 

1.) He is Korean. His mother has said a lot of cruel, untrue things about me, and my mom feels that his family is no good.

2.) Like I said in an earlier post, she thinks he is a liar and is crazy. I don't know what proof she has of any of this... she never tells me anything to back up her claim.

3.) She is afraid that I'm going to quit school for him and run off and get married or something stupid like that. I have told her that I am not dropping out of college, never would either. In fact, my whole family... every time I see them, tells me to stick to it and get all A's. That "education is extremely important." I hate how they tell me this all the time. I know this already, which is why I'm working damn hard at school.

 

I'm sure there are other reasons she dislikes him, but those are the basics.

[Not_Juliet]

I guess your mom wants best for you, but in a manipulative and immature and human limited way. It is hard work. why do your mom don't like your boyfriend?

 

Did you tell your mom how you feel hurt by her comment? ask her what is her purpose for this? maybe effective communication lack here? if good communication doesn't work, I guess I will pray if I were you, prayers always worked well for me

 

 

I wish my mom could find a better way to let me know she is concerned. But, like you said it is hard work. I started crying when she said what she did about disowning me. I told her that I couldn't believe she actually said that and how upsetting it was. Perhaps I better ask her again, why she would say something like this.

 

I will keep praying! It's my only hope right now.

[amaysngrace]

I hadn't thought about having him talk to her. I don't know if they would agree to it, especially my mom. I still live at home, and I think this is a big reason I'm having all these problems.

 

I think he would talk to her, but getting them together might not work out.

 

Why don't they like him? Did they ever say? Do they think he won't amount to much? Or do you guys have a rocky relationship?

 

The thing with parents is they only see one side. Yours. And if this guy is making you more unhappy than happy they're gonna pick up on that. And not like him.

 

If they don't like him because they think he's a loser and he won't be able to provide then they see a hard life for you ahead.

 

But if you guys really love each other then you will do okay.

 

Why don't you ask your mom if you can invite him to Thanksgiving dinner? Then she'll know you're serious about him and you can find out what exactly about him she doesn't like. And if she doesn't really know him this could be a good way for them to get to know each other.

 

Just a thought.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, as I see it from what I can gather here on the forum, there may be some inter-cultural, inter-racial prejudices going on here. And you have to understand that it's going to happen, unfortuantely.

paradoxically, the world has gotten smaller, in that travel and communication is now destroying the barriers of distance, either as time or gepgrpahically speaking. But instead of welcoming this globalisation of cultures, actually, with the possibility of easier travelling, we acxtually resent other cultures more, and become more parochial, territorial and insular. we're suspicious and resentful of any kind of infringement of our 'satus quo'.

"Why can't you find a nice boy/girl from your own culture, instead of going out with a foreigner...?!"

What with his mom saying she doesn't like you, and your mom saying she doesn't like him, there's a lot of over-protectiveness going on too, you see what I mean?

Our kids can never make decisions for themselves, you know; they're still kids in our eyes, and our care an concern can come out as anger and frustration. They're growing up, they have minds of their own, and they're so rebellious - !! How dare they!!

 

Through personal experience I would think very carefully before you automatically say you'd choose family over him. as it sounds at the present, you'd be throwing away a loving relationship fo a controlling, manipulative one. I love my mother to bits, but hell, we've had our moments, including not speaking to one another for months on end...

Are you the youngest?

If everyone's getting on your back, and they're all older than you, maybe they're just trying to look out for you....

I dunno....

Just thinking 'aloud'....

[sumdude]

Sounds like your mom is communicating her concern for you in the worst possible way...

 

It may be she sees something that really has her on edge about your BF. Something her experience is catching . just a thought.

 

FWIW my Mom didn't go that quite that far when I was early on with my ex wife ... but she let me know pretty harshly that she didn't approve or her.

 

Dangit if in the long run mom wasn't right..

 

So keep your eyes wide open

[Geishawhelk]

Sumdude...I love your signatures...

 

Did you know that not only The Jedi and Yoda were based on Buddhist philosophy, but aspects of Spock and the Vulcans were too?

 

"Happiness is not found in having things. Happiness is found in not wanting them."

The Buddha.

 

Self-development is a futile exercise. Just permit yourself to be the perfect person you already are."

Lama Surya Das.

 

OM Mani pedme Hung is the six-syllable Seed manta on the lips of every Buddhist. It literally means "The Jewel is in the Lotus" - In other words, to reveal the inenr perfection, just open your petals and blossom!

 

Maybe you already know this....

 

Sorry.

Off-topic.

Ok - back on, but if you wanna chat, PM me....

[Not_Juliet]

Well, as I see it from what I can gather here on the forum, there may be some inter-cultural, inter-racial prejudices going on here. And you have to understand that it's going to happen, unfortuantely.

paradoxically, the world has gotten smaller, in that travel and communication is now destroying the barriers of distance, either as time or gepgrpahically speaking. But instead of welcoming this globalisation of cultures, actually, with the possibility of easier travelling, we acxtually resent other cultures more, and become more parochial, territorial and insular. we're suspicious and resentful of any kind of infringement of our 'satus quo'.

"Why can't you find a nice boy/girl from your own culture, instead of going out with a foreigner...?!"

What with his mom saying she doesn't like you, and your mom saying she doesn't like him, there's a lot of over-protectiveness going on too, you see what I mean?

Our kids can never make decisions for themselves, you know; they're still kids in our eyes, and our care an concern can come out as anger and frustration. They're growing up, they have minds of their own, and they're so rebellious - !! How dare they!!

 

Through personal experience I would think very carefully before you automatically say you'd choose family over him. as it sounds at the present, you'd be throwing away a loving relationship fo a controlling, manipulative one. I love my mother to bits, but hell, we've had our moments, including not speaking to one another for months on end...

Are you the youngest?

If everyone's getting on your back, and they're all older than you, maybe they're just trying to look out for you....

I dunno....

Just thinking 'aloud'....

 

I know that at least half of my family feels that since he is Korean, it is not a good match. They are incredibly racist and ignorant.

 

You are right! There is so much over-protectiveness! It's too much!! I am the youngest, and my mom feels like she has to rely on me to be the successful child; my brother dropped out of high school and doesn't even have a job - he is 23. So all the pressure is on me.

 

What you said is true, all of it.

[Not_Juliet]

Sounds like your mom is communicating her concern for you in the worst possible way...

 

It may be she sees something that really has her on edge about your BF. Something her experience is catching . just a thought.

 

FWIW my Mom didn't go that quite that far when I was early on with my ex wife ... but she let me know pretty harshly that she didn't approve or her.

 

Dangit if in the long run mom wasn't right..

 

So keep your eyes wide open

 

It's good to hear about others' experiences, though I'm sorry to hear how yours turned out In the back of my mind, I am wondering if she is seeing something that I can't and that she might be onto something. I just wish she would tell me what she's found if she has.

 

*siiiigh*