JMC Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 On how to know if your MM is one of the good ones (really loves you, really plans to leave W for you) or if he's one of the bad ones who lie like crazy, has multiple OW's, and it's all a big game to him.
EmeraldI's Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 On how to know if your MM is one of the good ones (really loves you, really plans to leave W for you) or if he's one of the bad ones who lie like crazy, has multiple OW's, and it's all a big game to him. You'll know by his actions...If he meets your needs and if he follows through with what he says he will...That's how you know...
Meaplus3 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 IMO, If he's in an affair then he's not ONE of the GOOD ones! AP:)
EmeraldI's Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 IMO, If he's in an affair then he's not ONE of the GOOD ones! AP:) Be careful to throw stones...
Author JMC Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Well so far he's done everything he says he would. I believe he really loves me. I love him more than anyone I've ever been with. It's just sometimes I make the mistake of looking on the internet and reading horror stories of women having affairs with MM who get unbelievably tricked and fooled and they never saw any signs or clues that he was lying and stringing them along the whole time.
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 On how to know if your MM is one of the good ones (really loves you, really plans to leave W for you) or if he's one of the bad ones who lie like crazy, has multiple OW's, and it's all a big game to him. End your affair with him and don't settle to be the OW in his life. Tell him goodbye, go no contact and to call and show you the proof when the divorce papers are signed and then date him. If you stay in his life as the OW he won't leave his wife, he'll just enjoy having a wife at home and an OW on the side. If he leaves his wife, then he loves you more and can't live without you. If he stays married, well, obviously he loves his wife more and doesn't want to give up his life as he knows it for you.
Lyssa Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 On how to know if your MM is one of the good ones (really loves you, really plans to leave W for you) or if he's one of the bad ones who lie like crazy, has multiple OW's, and it's all a big game to him. Action speaks louder than words or I put it this way : talk is cheap. So he better be doing something more than just 'talk'.
lost4ever Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Well so far he's done everything he says he would. I believe he really loves me. I love him more than anyone I've ever been with. It's just sometimes I make the mistake of looking on the internet and reading horror stories of women having affairs with MM who get unbelievably tricked and fooled and they never saw any signs or clues that he was lying and stringing them along the whole time. I am glad I ended my affair, (though truth be told, I miss the jerk a lot) I don't know how you tell the good from bad, I don't think you do....but I do know two things 1.) The only reason I became unhappy with my MM was because I started reading these post, then I started thinking, hey he does that, if he did love me he would.....blah, blah, blah (and I am not saying it is not for the best to get out of the relationship, I am just telling it how it is) I wasn't unhappy with MM until I found this place. 2.) Everyone says if he is cheating; He don't love you....well I can not believe this is true for all situations (my MM was a bad one) But, I was a cheater too, because I was Married...but I know I didn't think I was having my cake and eating it to, I wasn't fence sitting, and I didn't have ill intentions...I loved him, and I wanted to be with him.....so in my mind, people in affairs can really love the other person...I DID
Lyssa Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Well so far he's done everything he says he would. I believe he really loves me. I love him more than anyone I've ever been with. It's just sometimes I make the mistake of looking on the internet and reading horror stories of women having affairs with MM who get unbelievably tricked and fooled and they never saw any signs or clues that he was lying and stringing them along the whole time. Don't let the horror stories effect the way you feel for your MM. Only you know what type of a person he is. How he is with you. None of us know. I was like you in the beginning - I read a lot around here and did a lot of thinking but in the end, it is MY relationship. What I am going through is not the same as others. It's not easy being with a MM but when he follows through what he has been talking about, it's all worth it. I can't say it happens all the time to all OW but I am one of those whose MM actually left his M to pursue a happier life.
Author JMC Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Lost4ever, then do you wish you'd never come across this forum? Did this forum influence you to end it with him? I've actually had at least one experience in the past with a message board (medical-related, not relationships) where it unnecessarily stirred me up, made me unhappy, gave incredibly inaccurate information (as it related to me personally), that I became addicted to.....so I'm really wondering if I should even begin to get involved with this message board at all. It just gets so tempting to look at it sometimes.
Author JMC Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Wow, Lyssa...I don't know you but I love you! What you said resonates in my heart. Thank you....
lost4ever Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 There is good advice and there is bad.... It hurts like hell (sometimes) that I let people make me believe I didn't mean anything to the MM, but in the long run, they were right....I really didn't mean anything to him I think I would have been better off finding out on my own, but then I also thank this forum for showing me what was going to happen before I really did something dumb...All in ALL I recieved good advice Then I got advice to tell my H of my affair (even though I wanted to leave)....That I believe is the worst advice I have gotten, There was no need for me to hurt him that way...He was already hurt enough that I was leaving, I didn't need to tell him why...so that was bad advice... Truthfully, so many people post so may different views...I think the one that sticks out is the one you already believe to be the truth....You can't blame a bunch of people that don't know you for the choices that you make...it's your choice...Own it!
Star Gazer Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 IMO, If he's in an affair then he's not ONE of the GOOD ones! I couldn't agree more. NO WOMAN should ever settle for being with a man who would cheat on his wife.
Suny1 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I believed my MM was who I thought he was until the W found out. He did everything he said he would do and even told me that he was making plans to leave her within the next 6 months or so. Called me the day after she found out and told me he was going to try to make it work with her. He promised her never to speak to me again. He had his friend talk to me to tell me that we could never talk. He is now denying that he ever had real feelings for me. Thats what hurts the most! Especially when he said and did all the right things. I still want to believe the things he said to me, but if they were true at all, he would have ended this in a different way. Chalking it all up to a learning experience!
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 On how to know if your MM is one of the good ones (really loves you, really plans to leave W for you) or if he's one of the bad ones who lie like crazy, has multiple OW's, and it's all a big game to him.I honestly think being an OW skews logical thinking. What "good" man would leave his wife and children? What "good" man would cheat, lie, manipulate, and make a fool of his wife behind her back? What "good" man would risk the security of his entire family's stability just so he can screw around and get his ego fed because his wife is too busy cleaning his house, caring for his children, and keeping the home fires burning? That's not a "good" man. Sorry. That's a selfish, self-absorbed, self-entitled man. And if you 'win' your prize, I guess you'll be totally understanding if he does the same thing to you down the road. Because he's one of the "good" ones - right?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 On how to know if your MM is one of the good ones (really loves you, really plans to leave W for you) or if he's one of the bad ones who lie like crazy, has multiple OW's, and it's all a big game to him. You won't know that until Dday, really. Their actions when they are busted are very telling in terms of how much you meant to him, and how willing he is to stand up for you and be with you. Nothing he says or does will mean much if he ends up 'throwing you under the bus'. The only other way to know is to tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but until he shows up with finalized divorce papers and a lease on his new place that he is dead to you, and that you will not accept or return contact in any way, shape or form. He will either follow through and fight to be with you, or he will simply let you walk away. Of course, there is always the MM who really does separate, move out, divorce, and come to be with you but that happens rarely. Those are the ones who would divorce whether you were in the picture or not.
HappyAtLast Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 The only other way to know is to tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but until he shows up with finalized divorce papers and a lease on his new place that he is dead to you, and that you will not accept or return contact in any way, shape or form. He will either follow through and fight to be with you, or he will simply let you walk away. Of course, there is always the MM who really does separate, move out, divorce, and come to be with you but that happens rarely. Those are the ones who would divorce whether you were in the picture or not. I would not disrespect my OW by asking her to participate in an A with me. She was not the sort of woman that deserved anything less than to be my first priority.
NoIDidn't Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 You won't know that until Dday, really. Their actions when they are busted are very telling in terms of how much you meant to him, and how willing he is to stand up for you and be with you. Nothing he says or does will mean much if he ends up 'throwing you under the bus'. LB beat me to it, as usual. D-day is a pretty good indication of whether you are involved with a promise maker, or a promise keeper. But like, Call'sEm said, I can't imagine comparing a man that cheats on his W to anything good at that particular moment. Its like asking how do I know which burgular is a good one that won't kill and rape you? It's never good to be burgularized to begin with.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Hi JMC. I agree with those who have implied that the only kind of "good" MM is one will get divorced to be with you. Why not tell him you don't want to be with him until he's divorced? Then you will save yourself the risk of heartache in the event that he never gets divorced. I think this forum is very realistic because it shows the true experience of MOST OWs. I say most because there are of course MM who leave their W to be with OW and there are OWs who don't even *want* MM to do this, etc. But in a typical situation, such as the one I was in, the MM tells OW he is madly in love with her and is going to get divorced, which he always wanted anyway, to be with her... but then it doesn't happen. It doesn't mean MM is necessarily "bad" or that he purposefully deceived OW (although this very bad kind of MM is out there, definitely!), it just means that he was dreaming out loud and when it came down to it, he had too much "love" (based on a past history/ vows/ what society thinks... maybe bad reasons to love but definitely part of love in a marriage I think) for his W to leave her no matter how much "love" (based on new excitement/ understanding/bond, sex, filling emotional needs, etc... again, not the best reasons to love but part of love between many OW/MM). Again, these are just generalizations and every case is unique, however every case is the same in that a MM is involved with someone besides his W, either emotionally or physically. That means you should protect yourself, because you don't really KNOW what the future holds... MM can follow through and be with you (the chances of that happening, based on the experiences of many OW on this forum, my own experiences and talking with other former OWs, and reading about it online and in books... I've done a lot of reading about this lol, are very very slim, but it does happen), or MM could decide to stay with W for whatever reason. I think you should protect your heart by either saying you want to wait to be with him until he's divorced (which is completely your right... don't let him manipulate you by saying things like "but I really need your support right now"), or at least asking for details or evidence about his plan to get divorced (which is also your right, since he's telling you it's happening). Someone here once told me that when it comes to dating a married man, believe NOTHING that you hear and only half of what you see. Even if they truly want to be with you, they HAVE to say certain things to justify their actions to themselves (after all, it wouldn't work very well if they said "I'm happily married, wanna date?"). So I advise you to ask him to show you concrete dates/ papers/ plans instead of just settling for "I'm GOING to get divorced...eventually." Good luck and welcome.
frannie Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I honestly think being an OW skews logical thinking. What "good" man would leave his wife and children? So if you're a 'good' man you have to stay married, whatever the state of the relationship? I'm sorry, but I disagree. There are plenty of good reasons to get a divorce, and getting divorced does not make you a 'bad' person. Neither does getting divorced entail 'leaving your children'. And to the OP, I think the 'good' ones are the ones who follow through on their words, whatever they may be. However, as OW we owe it to ourselves to make sure that we don't just buy into the situation and let years and years roll by if we're not happy being in an affair.
Virgo1982 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 IMO, If he's in an affair then he's not ONE of the GOOD ones! AP:) I thought you were a WS. If so, do you think you are not worthy of love?
KnownTruth Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 On how to know if your MM is one of the good ones (really loves you, really plans to leave W for you) or if he's one of the bad ones who lie like crazy, has multiple OW's, and it's all a big game to him. You don't, you have to take his word for it. We all hope the MM is telling us the truth. What choice do we have? He is being more honest with us then his W in some ways.
torranceshipman Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I wonder if seeing the guy pursue you and enter into an A for the 1st time is like watching a good guy go bad, as it happens, kinda thing? i.e. watching someone have 2 choices, and choose the wrong/bad/dishonest/weak path (have an A) instead of the strong, right (but harder) one (wait until he has D his W to be with you, or work on the marriage and avoid temptation no matter how much he wants it). If he was really a good guy he'd sort his s**t out before dragging another person into his mess.
White Flower Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Originally posted by Toranceshipman> I wonder if seeing the guy pursue you and enter into an A for the 1st time is like watching a good guy go bad, as it happens, kinda thing? i.e. watching someone have 2 choices, and choose the wrong/bad/dishonest/weak path (have an A) instead of the strong, right (but harder) one (wait until he has D his W to be with you, or work on the marriage and avoid temptation no matter how much he wants it). This is a good question. While persuing me at first I'd wondered if he'd done this before. I kept asking him how many others came before me. But, he was really nervous when it came down to it and I began to trust that I was the first OW. I did not feel I was watching a good guy turn bad. We were both in pain and both understood why we were there. I tricked myself into believing I could be the OW and in the back of my mind I secretly hoped they would D since he said he no longer loved her. I do believe he once told her that and they had contemplated D, but I now believe they worked things out and he decidedly kept those details hidden from me. Yes, it was convenient for him to keep the rest of their story from me. Maybe that makes him bad, or selfish, I don't know. Some would say cake-eater. I don't regret this A, but I can't take it anymore. If he was really a good guy he'd sort his s**t out before dragging another person into his mess. I wish it happened that way now.
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