Does NC get harder before it gets easier?

[sedgwick]

It's been 4 months since the breakup, 9 weeks NC. I am going crazy to call him. I feel like I'm having breakup-induced PSTD or something...every time I turn a corner I freak out that I'm going to see him. I miss him so much and I am obsessed with whether or not he's tried to contact me while I've had him blocked. I wonder if he even notices that I'm not around.

 

I have to think that somehow I can get through this, that someday maybe I'll have some self-confidence again.

[lexi29]

I think that NC DOES get harder before it gets "easier" (dont think its ever easy). But its for the best- you would be hurting more if you were in contact with him. As for you wondering if he's tried to contact you or if he thinks about you- I can't answer the part about his possible attempts to contact you but I can tell you that yes I'm almost certain he thinks about you. We don't ever forget those we once loved and even though women are generally more sentimental than men I think most men whether they want to admit it or not, still think of their exes (the ones they loved at some point) fondly. I know this because I have close guy friends who have told me that something reminded them of an ex from a while ago or a recent one and they get bummed out or miss her a bit.

 

Also I dated a guy a long time ago- it was a short but intense relationship and at the time he thougth I was the love of his life yet he left me and was engaged to someone else only three months later. His best friend was my friend too and he told me they were all together a year after we broke up and my friend told him you know tomorrow is Lexi's birthday? (this ex and I were in no contact and never talked since practically right after we broke up) and my ex told him "yeah I know its her birthday, I wish I could call her but that wouldnt 'be right (he was engaged). I think about her a lot and I miss her sometimes" this was a year later and he was planning to marry someone else and he still thought of me. So if thats possible I'm sure your ex still misses you once in awhile too.

[ncpd25]

Hey Lexi,

you said your relationship with your previous ex was short but, intense. How long were the two of you together before you broke up??

[heartoutside]

I had something similar to lexi as did my friend. Both of our high school exs contacted us about 8 years after the fact. It was odd. My high school sweetheart contacted me a few months before she was going to get married and my buddies high school sweetheart contacted him a few months after she got married. Mind you I haven't talked to or seen her in almost 8 years. I know for a fact that I still think about everyone of my ex's from time to time. Even the one I dumped. I think there is always a place in someones heart for the people the loved, esp if it was a loving relationship.

[lexi29]

The ex I mentioned in the post - I was only with him for four months. We knew eachother about 2 months before we dated so he was only in my life for about six months. I was 16 at the time and he was 19- he was my longest relationship at the time and it took forever to get over him. I wasn't a long relationship to him (he was engaged before me and dated the girl for almost 2 yrs)

[ncpd25]

Thanks Lexi,

I've been NC for 8 weeks now. Of course, I have no intentions of contacting my ex. It's odd but, as of late, I've been wondering if she totally forgot about me or if she even has an occasional thought of me. Not that it matters. It's the whole "She was so receptive and caring when we were together, telling me she was in love with me etc... and now I have a difficult time believing she would ever think of me.".

 

I'm not really troubled by it, just a thought.

[sedgwick]

ncpd, that's exactly how i feel...i SWEAR to you she is thinking of you! it's driving her nuts that you're not contacting her. as i girl, i promise this to you! even if she dumped you, even if she was mean to you, she IS thinking about why you're not calling, and it DOES make you more attractive in her eyes. these things i promise you.

 

does that mean you'll get back together? i have absolutely no way of knowing. but i'm telling you that if you want her to think about you, you're doing the right thing, she's not forgotten you.

 

guys, though...i think my guy just washed his hands of me overnight and went on his merry way. i honestly doubt he's given me a thought at all; i wonder if he's even noticed i haven't contacted him.

[ncpd25]

Sedgwick,

It works both ways. I sit and think my ex doesn't even have a fleeting thought about me. You being a woman, feel she does think about me. I often wondered....She spoke of our future and how much she was in love with me. Then she ran back to her ex b/f who lied to her and cheated. She actually lied to me quite a bit as well (Must be something in the water in that part of town).

 

You're confident she is thinking about me, but, it's difficult to imagine your ex thinking about you. Well, speaking from a guys point of view, I would guarantee he thinks about you as well. He spent time with you, you shared laughs, good times & good memories. he's not going to just forget you. Some guys feel they need to keep their feelings and thoughts under wraps. He has his pride to think about you know. As dumb as it sounds, some guys genuinely feel that way.

 

Granted I was dumped but, I feel my pride gets in the way of me ever even thinking of calling her. Yes, I was hurt and disappointed with the breakup but it's a double edged sword. I mainly wouldn't contact her so I can heal and get past this but, there is a part of me that wouldn't give her the satisfaction. She left, not me. She would have to approach me if there was to be any kind of communication etc..

 

I'm not usually a betting man, but, I would bet money that your ex thinks of you. He has reminders (probably on a daily basis) of the two of you being together etc...Well, wanna bet???

[sedgwick]

I don't think he thinks of me, or if he does, he's just thinking how pathetic I am or how much he hates me. The last time we spoke I told him how much I loved him, he said he was sorry he couldn't give me what I wanted, and I hung up humiliated. I haven't spoken to him since, but I'm sure that when he thinks of me -- if he even remembers me -- he just laughs or shudders or something. I spend a lot of time imagining him sitting around with his friends making fun of me.

[Surfer Girl]

The longer you stay in NC... The more I beleive they will remember... There will always be triggers of certain moments...

[MattyTee]

I don't think he thinks of me, or if he does, he's just thinking how pathetic I am or how much he hates me. The last time we spoke I told him how much I loved him, he said he was sorry he couldn't give me what I wanted, and I hung up humiliated. I haven't spoken to him since, but I'm sure that when he thinks of me -- if he even remembers me -- he just laughs or shudders or something. I spend a lot of time imagining him sitting around with his friends making fun of me.

 

Heya Sed,

 

It seems to me that what you are doing is projecting feelings on to him. The question would be where those come from...

 

Do you feel like you are worth remembering? Do you think you are pathetic, do you hate yourself?

 

At the end of the day why does it matter whether he thinks about you or not? Perhaps you are looking for outside validation that you are worthwhile.

 

I'm not trying to be hard here, just hoping something I say might click. We can all see your worth Sed and we don't even know you... but you don't need us to realise, you need you to

 

Lots of hugs and best wishes!!

[sedgwick]

Thanks Matty. I'm sorry I'm being such a pain in the ass around here. I'm just trying to deal with how worthless he made me feel. I mean...I showed him more of me than I ever showed anyone. I have never been a better version of myself than I was with him. And yet...he left. He just tossed me aside and took off. He treated me worse than you'd treat someone you really hated, which leads me to believe that...well, that he really hated me. And if he hated me, I have to figure out what it was about me that was so horrible it made him feel that way, even when I loved him so much.

 

I guess I just don't know how you can (supposedly) be really attracted to someone and have so much in common with them it's scary, and then just turn off completely and leave. I can't imagine ever getting that close to anyone ever again, and at 36, that makes me sad. I don't think I could ever let myself go there again.

 

Ugh...good thing there's cats and knitting, dammit. I wholeheartedly embrace both. (And speaking of knitting, I wonder if he's still wearing the cashmere scarf, hat, and gloves I made for him? I wonder if he still has the crocheted fish. I wonder if he even looks at them and remembers who made them, or if I was long since washed out of his brain for being so inconsequential.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I don't know if this will help you, Sed, but I was dumped by my husband for some trollop he fell for after just two weeks. He quickly moved in with her and even introduced her to his mother (and we aren't even divorced yet).

 

And he thinks about me ALL the time.

 

I know this because I've been forced to keep in contact with him due to the divorce proceedings. Each communication with him, I learn more and more that he has absolutely, 100% thought about me, what he's done, and what impact that might have had on me.

 

ANYONE who has been with someone of import grieves that loss. YOU were someone of importance to him. My STBXH gets nervous around me, tries to be nice around me, and has even shown (through his actions and comments) that he has actually even THOUGHT about what he has done and the repercussions.

 

And while that isn't your situation, no one in your life who felt something for you could just "forget" about you. I, too, pictured him and his whore laughing about me, delighting in punishing me, and toasting one another over their wonderful relationship.

 

But I now know those images are just that - images I've conjured to punish MYSELF.

 

There is no laughing, no toasting, no delighting.

 

There is pain. Pain that comes from grieving a loss.

 

And while he may not be grieving the same way you are, you can bet he is grieving.

 

This I believe wholeheartedly. And "dumpers" who have posted right here on LS acknowledge this too. So stop imagining him as I have imagined my husband. Imagine him as a grieving man - because that is what he is. I know it.

[MattyTee]

Oh Sed,

 

First off, you aren't a pain!

 

Isn't that the whole point of the site, to vent, to look for other opinions, to get help? That's what I'm here for! I really don't know if anything I say helps (see, I have low self esteem too ) but I shall continue to ramble until you tell me to shut up.

 

The way I see it Sed, you are constantly battling yourself and it's causing you no end of pain. I am guessing that deep down you feel worthless, regardless of anything else that has happened - it is most likely that feeling stems from childhood (most of them do).

 

But what has happened now? You opened up your heart, you shared and you loved deeply and yet you were rejected. Surely that must mean that you are bad, right? It must mean there is something wrong, right?

 

I'd like you to re-read one of the lines you wrote:

 

"He just tossed me aside and took off. He treated me worse than you'd treat someone you really hated..."

 

You deserve better than that. Deep down you know you do but you are too caught up in this paradigm of not being worth anything so somehow you believe you made him act that way. I'll tell you something, you didn't. I think you know that but are afraid to admit it. Why do I think that? Well if it was something that you did, something you can figure out then surely you can change it right? Then he'll come back, won't he? If he left and it was nothing to do with you... there is nothing you can do, it's out of your control, do you see? What choice would you be left with then? You'd have to move on.

 

He didn't love you because you weren't a musician. If you read that now, can you see how ridiculous it sounds, how shallow it makes him? Most likely it was a lie, which makes it even worse! Does that kind of person really deserve your love?

 

You opened your heart and loved deeply. Forget what happened afterwards. You have touched something special there. You have been hurt now and you need time to heal but you are capable of that deep love, some people never experience that.

 

It's time to turn that big, caring heart around and focus all that love back on yourself. Forget anyone else for now, they don't matter - you do. You need to build an intimate and trusting relationship with yourself.

 

Stop focusing on the past and torturing yourself with it. Stop looking into the future and torturing yourself with that too. Live in the present, go through the pain, learn to love yourself and heal. I've said it before and I will say it again, you will find that strength.

 

Try a little exercise for me: write in a journal twenty things you like about yourself, if you can't think of twenty straight away then write ten. Remind yourself of those qualities every day. Whenever you think of a new one, write it down.

 

Trust me Sed, I know where you are coming from. I have a very low self-esteem too. I have started seeing a therapist (about 3 months ago now) and it is helping enormously. Maybe something you'd like to try.

[carrotgirl]

Sed,

What is love to you?

 

How does someone prove his love for you? How do you prove yours? What if the way someone is trying to show you love is misunderstood? Then what? Does it mean he doesn't love you? How do you know you love your ex? Can you prove it? If someone asked him today if you loved him, what do you think your ex would say? Bet he would say something like, She probably hates me.

 

I don't understand what it is that you want from this man. Do you? If you want him to be part of your life, then you have to be part of his life. He didn't say he didn't want you in his life. He didn't even show you that. You told us how when you broke up, your ex was a mess. He did try to stay in touch. You didn't want him unless he wanted to be together with you as a couple. He called after that and told you he loved you and you talked about getting back together. It still wasn't good enough for you, you wanted someone who would call you regularly.

 

WHAT do you want?

 

You're still gnawing at that old musician thing bone. Did you ever consider what he was trying to express which was probably that he felt like you didn't understand him? Possibly even that you didn't think he was good enough for you. Your ex was self admittedly a mess. What do you want to be different about this now? Does he have to say that wasn't what he meant? Can you imagine for yourself that probably wasn't what he meant in order to free yourself?

 

Maybe the sex comment way back when came out all wrong, but instead of seeing it as an insult, what if you thought of it as his attempt to tell you something about himself. Instead of asking him to explain, you reacted. You're going on as if everything about loving someone is about you somehow. Your ex saw you were in a very intimate moment, a moment of release and clarity and transcendence. And not that this isn't what sex does for him, but your ex tried to say this is what music does for him. He was telling you something about himself.

 

By the way, it's not too late to ask for that explanation.

 

And how is any of this treating you like someone he hates? This is drama you're manufacturing for yourself. What has he said or done that shows malice? The only hate I see here is the hate you're drumming up for your ex and if it was working for you, I'd say that's fine. Do what you need to do to get yourself on track. But I don't see it working for you. I read a lot of excuses and a lot of denial. And the kind folks here are all telling you how wonderful and perfect you were and how stupid he was.

 

Of course! Because we want you to feel better. But that isn't working either so maybe it's time for you to do the hard work and really look at yourself and what love means to you and what giving means to you. And WHAT, if anything, you want to do differently with your life. With your ex or without.

 

Sure you gave and gave and gave. You rubbed his shoulders and made him homemade tomato sauce and gave him head in the van. All very nice I'm sure. Maybe it's that there is one really big thing you didn't do for your ex. You weren't considerate of his feelings. Because if you gave so much but you still withheld the things he truly wanted and needed, then can't you see? You weren't really giving what he wanted were you? You were giving what you wanted him to have. You were giving what felt good to you to give. It's not the same thing.

 

Now what about you? What do you want? Do you want to be in contact? Do you want to get back together? Do you want him to grovel? Is that proof of love? You're the one who made the choice for having no contact. If you want something different, make a different choice. Start thinking positively about what you're going to do to get to that different place.

 

It's big girl panties time.

 

Carrot

[sedgwick]

Carrot, how was I not considerate of his feelings? Please, seriously, tell me how. I need to know what I could have given that I didn't.

 

The last time we spoke was AFTER the call where we talked about getting back together. Two weeks later, I knew he would be in town, and in that initial post-breakup conversation, I asked if he wanted to get together. His answer was, "I could be into that." So in the next two weeks, he didn't call me at all. On the day I knew he was in town, I sent him a text asking if he wanted to talk. That night, he called. I asked what he was doing and he said he was doing his laundry, and that he was just considering it as another stop on tour. I said, "Oh, I just thought we'd talked about maybe seeing each other." His response: "I'm only in town for 48 hours. I can't go calling everybody." The rest of the conversation was all about how he couldn't believe that I of all people didn't realize "things change." I said, "Of course I understand things change. I also know I fight for the things and the people I love." He said, "Not me. As soon as it looks like there's going to be a fight, I bail." I tried, to no avail, to explain to him that wasn't what I meant by fighting. The conversation ended with me saying, "Do you understand that I love you completely, totally, unconditionally? For exactly who you are? Forever?" And he said, "I do. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you want." And once again, I hung up sobbing.

 

So, yeah. That was the very last thing I said to him. Please, please tell me how I wasn't giving him enough! Oh god...now I'm going to be totally worried about that.

[carrotgirl]

Sedgwick, please read slowly and carefully. I didn't say you weren't giving enough.

 

I will give you a real life example from the Carrot coffers. Try to stay with me. This isn't a put down. I'm trying to offer you a different perspective on your giving. And I've got more than one, but I'm trying to stick with just the one tonight.

 

Imagine if you will that you are Carrot ten years ago. The same Carrot who loves the outdoors and maths and painting and modern dance... just ten years ago blah blah blah. Carrot of ten years ago had only a couple of things she wanted for her birthday. She wanted cake and she wanted some really good ink and maybe a new brush.

 

Your [then] boyfriend comes over so happy and excited. He has a birthday present for you that "you're just going to love." The outside of the box is covered in what can only be described hideous, bright blue, silk and plastic flowers. Yes, blue. "They'll look so pretty in your hair." But the box is heavy and that's promising, maybe there is soapstone with the ink?

 

Inside of the box is an enormous, like 12 inches, ceramic and glass glitter globe (like a snow globe only with glitter) that has birds inside painted with day-glo AND glow in the dark paints. But wait, there's more. This is also a musical glitter globe. When you wind it up it plays Send In the Clowns.

 

Your boyfriend tells you he spent days looking for just the right thing and he knew you would love this when he saw it. All you really wanted was some ink and birthday cake. Instead you got a seriously enormous, ugly, noise-making, soul eating keepsake that filled your ex with joy. He knew just knew that he'd made you so happy with his wonderful present.

 

You follow?

 

Yes, I am saying that when you give something the other person doesn't want to have, you're giving a gigantic blue-silk covered glittery, noise-making soul eater. It could be homemade cookies, it could be hand knit sweaters. It doesn't matter how beautiful or wonderful you think what you're giving is. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of what you're giving. When you give something the other person doesn't want, you're a selfish giver.

 

When you're NOT giving what your SO wants to have, your giving and giving and giving is nothing more than - it's nice that she thinks of me and I love her but oh my gawd, I really wish she'd just listen to me and understand me and give me what I ask for instead of all this other stuff she thinks is so important because I really don't know what to do with all of these gigantic blue-silk covered glittery, noise-making soul eaters

 

Get it?

 

Carrot