Cobra_X30 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 And, ps, they don't knit. If those kind ofguys dont knit... then that may be a good place to start... Right? Yeah, well its a numbers game! You meet 100 and maybe 1 is worth the effort. Keep trying, keep fighting. As long as you have hope... you have life, and your not dead yet! Besides, like I said before. Your very smart, with a good heart! Thats worth more than gold to a decent man!
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Hi Norajane, Where is he already? Lol, how many of us think that? You talk above about opening the door to pain, hurt, rejection, fear - all of those horrible things we worry about. But the thing is, without opening that door, what have you got? A closed room with you in it. It's only my take on life, but I open the doors and grit my teeth and take the risk and lots of wonderful things happen and sometimes lots of horrible things happen. But isn't that life? I doubt that this is fully blown fear of commitment with respect to your above relationships. More a precarious tip-toe to see where things lie. But MM was once off limits before and now he is back in the game, feelings are stirring, you have a good foundation and an attraction - why not just climb on and see where it takes you? I know it sounds simple but when equated with another hurt, it's hard to take the step. But, where would we be if we stood still?
Author norajane Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 A lot of people feel lonely, even when in relationships and that's the worst kind of loneliness. I know that kind of lonely very well, and you're right - it's much worse feeling lonely in a relationship. What you need to do is gauge your stength at the moment. Are you emotionally ready for a new challenge? Could you put in the effort? Do you want to put in the effort? Are you prepared if something should go wrong and this doesn't work out they way you had hoped? Um, maybe? I keep going out and meeting people as if I were ready, and I think I am. It's been 8 months since my break-up - that should be enough time to heal. But I haven't met anyone I wanted to get to know better and date, so I haven't really tested that theory. Another thing to consider is your feelings for this ex. It was an affair and affairs enhance intensity and create passion. They create a false sense of reality. Do you think you could be in a normal relationship with him? Did you respect him? Admire him? Were you compatible? What about his baggage? How did he treat you? How did the affair end? I've been thinking about those things. The respect and admiration and compatibility are there. We ended things with grace. We had started blurring the lines a little too much and had to make a decision...it was 'all or nothing' for both of us, so we had to choose 'nothing' since we couldn't do 'all'. We dialed it back. He still calls me princess, though. The baggage is a consideration. He's a New England WASP, so it's hard to tell how deeply the end of his marriage affected him. He has talked about it, and it was hard on him, but he's generally an upbeat person and I think he feels he did the best he could but they didn't want the same things out of life so he had to leave to get that. If those kind ofguys dont knit... then that may be a good place to start... Right? I missed my chance at the knitters. When they were doing all the protests in San Francisco against going to war in Iraq, there was a group protesting called "Knitters for Peace". They set up little chairs and brought their knitting...I should have hung around... I doubt that this is fully blown fear of commitment with respect to your above relationships. More a precarious tip-toe to see where things lie. But MM was once off limits before and now he is back in the game, feelings are stirring, you have a good foundation and an attraction - why not just climb on and see where it takes you? I know it sounds simple but when equated with another hurt, it's hard to take the step. But, where would we be if we stood still? I think if he lived in my city, I'd probably ease into it with less trepidation. But as it is, I feel the need to be more guarded - the odds are higher of heartbreak under the circumstances. Thanks to everyone for all your kinds words - I really appreciate the votes of confidence. I know I'm a great person and he'd be lucky to have me. I think TBF is right...I need to be a challenge for him, not to 'get' him, but because I need him to show me how far he's willing to go for me. It's all or nothing.
White Flower Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Soon is, like, as soon as he finds a place in the new city. A couple hours by plane. Not much, considering we both have zillions of frequent flyer miles. But still, not here. Is it worth it, I don't know. I'm afraid of opening the door, not only because of long distance. I'm afraid of opening the door and things not working out, yet again, yet again. I'm so tired wwiu, so tired of trying and failing and trying and failing over and over again. I don't know if I can handle any more heartbreak. Sometimes it seems like I'm better off if I don't get involved and save myself the pain of the ending. Cuz it always ends, it always has, eventually, for me. Hi Norajane, Maybe this is the case, the part that's in bold? How long was your longest R? I'm no expert on getting what you want, obvioiusly, at this point in my life, but the popular philosophy that you see in books and documentaries today keep telling us that we should focus on what we want, not what we don't want. Did you see/read The Secret? The philosophers, councelors, and other successful people in the video would tell you to focus on a happy ending so that the outcome will be a happy one. If you focus on the pain of ending, it will end in pain. I hope you find someone worthy of you.
Author norajane Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Hi Norajane, Maybe this is the case, the part that's in bold? How long was your longest R? I'm no expert on getting what you want, obvioiusly, at this point in my life, but the popular philosophy that you see in books and documentaries today keep telling us that we should focus on what we want, not what we don't want. Did you see/read The Secret? The philosophers, councelors, and other successful people in the video would tell you to focus on a happy ending so that the outcome will be a happy one. If you focus on the pain of ending, it will end in pain. I hope you find someone worthy of you. I think 6 years was the longest - at least 6 years straight, with my ex-fiancee. I've had another relationship that has spanned 20 years, but it's been on and off, with 3 years being our longest time together at any one time. Focusing on what we want...I wonder about that. When I get into a relationship, I have the tendency to believe that of course things will work out. I forget all about the pain of the past. I can't control other people, though, so while my focus and my will is important, my happy ending isn't entirely within my control. There's certainly nothing wrong with positive thinking and doing, but I can't help balancing that out with the harder realities. There's always another person in a relationship, and that's the wild card.
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