Am I afraid of a 'real' relationship?

[norajane]

I used to be involved with a MM. He and his wife had marriage problems and were sort of separated in that they didn't so much live together. He traveled for work, so she stayed at the house and took care of their dog while he was away, and when he was home, she mostly stayed with her parents. But they were trying to work things out and went to marriage counseling, so we backed off and ended the mostly EA. He's divorced now for almost a year.

 

We've stayed friends over the years. I was involved with someone else for the last few years, so I wasn't really 'there for him' during his divorce. But we've stayed in contact and lately, we've been talking a lot more. And it's been nice. I can feel the dormant spark stirring; I've been picking up on that from him, too.

 

He doesn't live here, and his company will soon be transferring him somewhere else...also not here.

 

Is there something inside people who get sucked into affairs that leads them into relationships with people that are unavailable? Fear of intimacy? Fear of commitment? Or is it just me?

 

Because he's 'available' now from a relationship standpoint, but not from a geography standpoint. And yet, I'm starting to give it some thought. Am I just lonely?

[Lyssa]

If things didn't go well between my now-divorced MM, I know for a fact I'd have fear of commitment and intimacy. I would probably take forever to build that trust and also commit myself to someone else but I know I would avoid going for someone unavailable - geographically or otherwise. I just hate starting all over again - all that work . We are in a LDR and that's hard work. LOL - don't think I would go through that again but if it was him, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

You're not lonely, NJ. You have been involved with someone else. If the time he came back into the picture, you were not seeing anyone else then... lonely is probably it. You're far from it. That's my opinion, anyway.

 

To give it some thought is a good start. See how far both of you are willing to go.

[melodymatters]

Dearest Nora, I really don't know the answer, this is one that only you can figure out, but you give to so many on these boards I at least wanted to lend my support by acknowledging your quandry.

 

I know for me, my relationships have been based on timing. I have met wonderful men and not been interetsted a whit, then so-so men, but I was ready for an adventure, some intimacy, etc.

 

So, it's just such a personal thing. You are so very sensible, I trust that you can keep up the friendship, see where it could lead, and make wise decisions from there.

 

Sorry I couldn't be of more help

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't live here, and his company will soon be transferring him somewhere else...also not here.

 

You have to decide if opening the door again is worth it. Can you handle it? Also, how soon is soon?

[norajane]

If things didn't go well between my now-divorced MM, I know for a fact I'd have fear of commitment and intimacy. I would probably take forever to build that trust and also commit myself to someone else but I know I would avoid going for someone unavailable - geographically or otherwise. I just hate starting all over again - all that work . We are in a LDR and that's hard work. LOL - don't think I would go through that again but if it was him, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

You're not lonely, NJ. You have been involved with someone else. If the time he came back into the picture, you were not seeing anyone else then... lonely is probably it. You're far from it. That's my opinion, anyway.

 

To give it some thought is a good start. See how far both of you are willing to go.

 

I'm not involved with anyone now, and haven't been for some months. That's why I think I might be lonely.

 

At the same time, I do have a history of falling for guys who are in some way unavailable - emotionally, geographically, maritally, something.

 

And I'm sooooo tired of starting over each time! So tired.

 

As Charlotte said on Sex and the City...I've been dating since I've been 14! Where is he already?!

[norajane]

Dearest Nora, I really don't know the answer, this is one that only you can figure out, but you give to so many on these boards I at least wanted to lend my support by acknowledging your quandry.

 

I know for me, my relationships have been based on timing. I have met wonderful men and not been interetsted a whit, then so-so men, but I was ready for an adventure, some intimacy, etc.

 

So, it's just such a personal thing. You are so very sensible, I trust that you can keep up the friendship, see where it could lead, and make wise decisions from there.

 

Sorry I couldn't be of more help

 

Thank you, sweets. It's much easier being sensible when it's not you, you know?

[norajane]

You have to decide if opening the door again is worth it. Can you handle it? Also, how soon is soon?

 

Soon is, like, as soon as he finds a place in the new city. A couple hours by plane. Not much, considering we both have zillions of frequent flyer miles. But still, not here.

 

Is it worth it, I don't know.

 

I'm afraid of opening the door, not only because of long distance. I'm afraid of opening the door and things not working out, yet again, yet again. I'm so tired wwiu, so tired of trying and failing and trying and failing over and over again. I don't know if I can handle any more heartbreak. Sometimes it seems like I'm better off if I don't get involved and save myself the pain of the ending. Cuz it always ends, it always has, eventually, for me.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm not involved with anyone now, and haven't been for some months. That's why I think I might be lonely.

 

At the same time, I do have a history of falling for guys who are in some way unavailable - emotionally, geographically, maritally, something.

 

And I'm sooooo tired of starting over each time! So tired.

 

NJ, your one of the smartest ladies on this site!

 

There is a strong pattern with OW. I know lots would disagree with me on that, but there are some strong commonalities.

 

Either way... its not like that is your destiny! All things come in time, and rarely when your looking. Make sure you get out and mingle, and dont just hang at bars. I mean pick something you enjoy and get involved. Rock climbing, skydiving, knitting... ect.

[Lyssa]

I'm not involved with anyone now, and haven't been for some months. That's why I think I might be lonely.

 

At the same time, I do have a history of falling for guys who are in some way unavailable - emotionally, geographically, maritally, something.

 

And I'm sooooo tired of starting over each time! So tired.

 

As Charlotte said on Sex and the City...I've been dating since I've been 14! Where is he already?!

 

Only for some months! Come on... you're not lonely. I was lonely.. LOL.. 3 years without a man but I wasn't looking then. Like you, I hate starting over. You got that right.. it's soooooo tiring to start all over BUT if you don't.. you wouldn't know what you're missing, right?

[whichwayisup]

Then take..it...slow...Keep the friendship and just see what happens, don't push for 'something.' He and you are friends, so maybe right now the timing is off.

 

Honestly, it seems you're not really ready, the fear of being hurt again, or the relationship failing. Your frame of mind isn't there (yet), but it will be.

 

Man, I need to take you to daily affirmation classes or do some CBT!

[Trialbyfire]

nj, you do give great advice on LS and are one of the most impartial members.

 

If he's truly free for a relationship, let him fly to see you. Make him work for it because you're truly worth it.

[norajane]

NJ, your one of the smartest ladies on this site!

 

There is a strong pattern with OW. I know lots would disagree with me on that, but there are some strong commonalities.

 

Either way... its not like that is your destiny! All things come in time, and rarely when your looking. Make sure you get out and mingle, and dont just hang at bars. I mean pick something you enjoy and get involved. Rock climbing, skydiving, knitting... ect.

 

I meet men. But I just turned 40, and men my age...ugh. So many issues. Never been married and enjoying their status as eligible bachelors...meaning they're enjoying serial relationships and not interested in 'forever'. Then there's the divorced guys...free after years of marriage and dating girls half their age, or so bitter you can't get a word in edgewise or even have half a chance of developing trust, or so very much missing being married they glom onto the first woman that comes around regardless of compatibility, or still in love with their exes.

 

And, ps, they don't knit.

[melodymatters]

Hmmm, one thing DID just come to me.

 

I SO can relate to feeling "tired" and " sick of starting over" . So, When one is feeling this way, might not a comfortable, familiar person suddenly hold more attraction for you ? I'm getting tired, so to clarify, is "ex MM" suddenly that much more of an attractive prospect simply BECAUSE you don't have to start from " scratch" as it were ?

 

I know when I am feeling that " charlotte" feeling you mentioned, I am more likely to feel attraction to now single ex's than perfectly suitable " strangers"

 

Oh well, something to think about !

[norajane]

Hmmm, one thing DID just come to me.

 

I SO can relate to feeling "tired" and " sick of starting over" . So, When one is feeling this way, might not a comfortable, familiar person suddenly hold more attraction for you ? I'm getting tired, so to clarify, is "ex MM" suddenly that much more of an attractive prospect simply BECAUSE you don't have to start from " scratch" as it were ?

 

I know when I am feeling that " charlotte" feeling you mentioned, I am more likely to feel attraction to now single ex's than perfectly suitable " strangers"

 

Oh well, something to think about !

 

You bring up a really good point. Starting over with exMM isn't starting from scratch. There is already a foundation. Is he more attractive because of that? Could be. At the same time, we didn't end things because we weren't attracive to each other...there was the marriage issue...so it's not like I stopped being attracted to him. I just had to put it away - off limits.

[norajane]

Then take..it...slow...Keep the friendship and just see what happens, don't push for 'something.' He and you are friends, so maybe right now the timing is off.

 

Honestly, it seems you're not really ready, the fear of being hurt again, or the relationship failing. Your frame of mind isn't there (yet), but it will be.

 

Man, I need to take you to daily affirmation classes or do some CBT!

 

I'm not pushing. That's not my style. I can just feel something stirring, and I'm at the stage when I can still squash it, or let it be. I don't know which way to go with it.

 

nj, you do give great advice on LS and are one of the most impartial members.

 

If he's truly free for a relationship, let him fly to see you. Make him work for it because you're truly worth it.

 

Make him work for me. I sometimes wonder if that's the point behind all the impossible relationships. Like, if they work for me and there are all these obstacles they have to overcome to be with me, they must really, really want me...they must see that I'm truly worth it, and I need to believe they truly see that I'm worth it, as if then they won't end up f*cking it up! As if.

[Trialbyfire]

Make him work for me. I sometimes wonder if that's the point behind all the impossible relationships. Like, if they work for me and there are all these obstacles they have to overcome to be with me, they must really, really want me...they must see that I'm truly worth it, and I need to believe they truly see that I'm worth it, as if then they won't end up f*cking it up! As if.

In the past, impossible relationships might have been a challenge for you. Now it's time to be a challenge for someone else.

[Star Gazer]

I'm afraid of opening the door, not only because of long distance. I'm afraid of opening the door and things not working out, yet again, yet again. I'm so tired wwiu, so tired of trying and failing and trying and failing over and over again. I don't know if I can handle any more heartbreak. Sometimes it seems like I'm better off if I don't get involved and save myself the pain of the ending. Cuz it always ends, it always has, eventually, for me.

 

I was scared too before my BF. No, I take that back. I am still scared sh*tless about getting my heart broken. But a great gal reminded me of something - I'm still standing. I'm still here. I've had some pretty f*cked up heartbreaks in my life, and somehow, someway, I survived. Every single f'ing time. Sure, it hurt like hell, and sometimes I felt like everything was turned upside down, but I'm still here. And guess what? You will be too if something bad happens. You will always be here. You will always be okay. You will always pull through. No matter what happens, you can and will handle it.

 

I know the risk is scary, and I know the process is exhausting. But in the end, I gotta believe that the risk is soooo worth it in the end.

[norajane]

I was scared too before my BF. No, I take that back. I am still scared sh*tless about getting my heart broken. But a great gal reminded me of something - I'm still standing. I'm still here. I've had some pretty f*cked up heartbreaks in my life, and somehow, someway, I survived. Every single f'ing time. Sure, it hurt like hell, and sometimes I felt like everything was turned upside down, but I'm still here. And guess what? You will be too if something bad happens. You will always be here. You will always be okay. You will always pull through. No matter what happens, you can and will handle it.

 

I know the risk is scary, and I know the process is exhausting. But in the end, I gotta believe that the risk is soooo worth it in the end.

 

I believed it was worth it with my ex-fiancee...until I got to the point I couldn't stand the way he breathed.

 

I believed it was worth it with motorcycle-riding-stock-trader guy...and it was...but he moved.

 

I believed it was worth it with Irish/British guy...and then he went back to England.

 

I believed it was worth it with sweet Indiana boy...but then I had to move.

 

I believed it was worth it with Army Captain DoD Intelligence guy...but we were long distance.

 

I believed it was worth it with Australian Maserati-nut guy...but he was in love with his ex AND we were also long distance (still, I ended up getting an article published in the national Maserati magazine ).

 

And I believed it was worth it with my 20-year friend and on-and-off lover/love of my life interspersed in between all those guys. But I was wrong.

 

I STILL believe. But dammit, exMM divorced guy who is geographically somewhere else...repeating the patterns, am I? Is the effort worth it, or am I just totally on the wrong track and need to get off?

 

There is wisdom in 'I'm still standing, better than I ever did'...go Elton John. But, I'm still standing...alone.

[Star Gazer]

There is wisdom in 'I'm still standing, better than I ever did'...go Elton John. But, I'm still standing...alone.

 

And what's so bad about standing alone until the right guy comes along?

[norajane]

And what's so bad about standing alone until the right guy comes along?

 

It's lonely?

"I've been dating since I was 14...where IS he already?!!"

 

I should put that in my signature.

[Star Gazer]

It's lonely?

"I've been dating since I was 14...where IS he already?!!"

 

I should put that in my signature.

 

True, it is. Can't argue you there.

 

And I love that line!

[Freedom Now]

NoraJane,

 

Your problem is exactly like mine.

 

Peace.

 

FN

[amaysngrace]

Dear Sweet NoraJane:

 

You are such a catch for any man and I think you know this. You have a wonderful spirit and your goodness shines through to all who know you.

 

Where is he? I don't know but I'm sure that he's out there asking himself the question where is she already?

 

He'll be the one you want to get close to. He'll be the one to offer you a real relationship. And make you want one. He'll inspire you to better yourself. But at the same time he'll accept you for who you are even though you may have some work to do. Just as you'll accept him as he is.

 

So put your best foot forward and face the world with a smile. Because you've yet to meet him.

 

Those other guys are stepping stones to him. Don't dwell on the past. Move forward and live for today.

 

Because today is the day you just may meet him.

 

XO

[marlena]

NoraJane,

 

So, let's say you ARE feeling lonely. Is that such a terrible thing? A lot of people feel lonely, even when in relationships and that's the worst kind of loneliness.

 

Alone and not lonely is another thing altogether. Lonely is not nice. People shouldn't have to feel this way. You are too young, and despite the numerous heartbreaks you have endured - yes, endured- you are still alive and kicking, to throw in the towel! This would be doing yourself a great injustice. Your fears may be your worst enemy and possibly be depriving your of the happiness you deserve.

 

That said, I can understand your fears and reluctance to put your heart out there again. The thought that you might have to live the whole nightmarish experience all over again is indeed a terrifying thought. Even more terrifying is the fear that this time you will not make it to the other side. After all, how many times can one mend a boken heart before it shatters itno a thousand pieces? This is the stuff that phobias are made of.

 

What you need to do is gauge your stength at the moment. Are you emotionally ready for a new challenge? Could you put in the effort? Do you want to put in the effort? Are you prepared if something should go wrong and this doesn't work out they way you had hoped?

 

Another thing to consider is your feelings for this ex. It was an affair and affairs enhance intensity and create passion. They create a false sense of reality. Do you think you could be in a normal relationship with him? Did you respect him? Admire him? Were you compatible? What about his baggage? How did he treat you? How did the affair end?

 

There is an element of familiarity when one goes back to an ex. You both more or less know what to expect of one another. The risk isn't as high as it would be with someone you have absolutely no history with. However, this shouldn't lull you into a false sense of security.

 

If you are healed and feeling strong and ready, then, go for it. But ever so slowly, "on little cat's feet". If you aren't ready, then, tell him so and just remain friends until a time when you are or aren't as the case may be.

 

Whatever you decide to do, you are too young to give up on love despite all your misfortune. Too young to live inside a glass menagerie. One day, you will have to take that risk again.

 

Marlena

[NoIDidn't]

I admit that I skimmed the other posts, so forgive me if I repeat somethings or don't flow with the conversation.

 

This is totally from my own experience and not advice actually, just food for thought.

 

My dad, as I have said many times, is an experienced MM. I honestly don't think that he intends to leave a trail of broken hearts, as his seems to be the most broken by things from his past. But he is/was a serial cheater.

 

Each time one of his W's left him, he would go back to one of the women that he was sleeping with at one time or another. He would chat her up quite frequently. But he always told me that it was because she was familiar and he just needed someone that knew him to talk to. Unfortunately for the woman, he usually started to pull back emotionally after he got what he needed (emotional support, physical intimacy - if he could). He started to feel that the woman was "smothering" him.

 

And worst of all for the woman, my dad WANTED to start all over again. He WANTED a clean slate in his next R. As in, no previous baggage. Not that he blamed the women for sleeping with a MM. Just that, he didn't want to have to explain himself about things that happened during the course of the As.

 

Now, I know that my dad is emotionally unavailable (but I love and try to support him anyway) and that not all men are anything like him, so this is only offered as food for thought.