homerunmama Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I am recently divorced after an abusive 21 year marriage. Due to some of the divorce issues, I have recently switched churches and have become friendly with the father of a close friend of my daughter's, who was widowed at about the same time I became divorced. This man is just the ultimate "nice guy" and the exact opposite of my ex-husband - basically the perfect person for me. Over the past few months, when I run into him in the general public - restaurants, grocery store, Walmart, etc. - he seems to be going out of his way to stop and speak, and even going so far as a bit of light "flirty flirty" conversation between us. He is even starting to make jokes about "stalking" me and saying "you can run, but you can't hide" when we run into each other, which is starting to be quite often. This has been going on for at least six months now - and that's as far as it has gotten. His daughter has told my daughter that he has asked several times if I am divorced yet, but he has yet to call me himself. He will talk and joke with me if we happen to be in public around his family, but when I see him at church or in public with his late wife's family, he is much more reserved, although still polite and friendly. My friends tell me that he is just being respectful of his late wife's family and is probably waiting for what seems a "decent" period to him before he starts dating locally again, possibly to avoid hurting their feelings. I am "old-school" and don't believe in "chasing" a man, especially at my age (mid-40's) - I feel that if he's interested, he will ask. However, I am getting mixed signals from him and it is literally driving me crazy. I suppose it could be that I am just new to this dating stuff after 21 years of marriage, and the same could be said of him, as he was married for about the same length of time before his wife passed. My friends tell me that he is definitely interested and that I should just be patient for a little while longer. Even my dad says that - he says that, having been through the dating thing, if he was doing and saying the same things that this man is doing and saying around me, he would DEFINITELY BE INTERESTED AND DEFINITELY BE FLIRTING. I don't know what to think. I don't know whether to give up or hang on. Is there a guy out there who's been through a similar situation - can you give me some idea of what he's thinking and how I should react? Do I hang on or move on? Ladies, have YOU been through a situation like this? What did you do, and how did it work out?
brothermartin Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Well MAMA,( thats so cool to say;)) I cant say I've been in a similar situation, but it dose sound to me like the guy wants to get close to you. It would make sense that hes holding off somewhat to protect his families feeling, but it makes much more sense to know that the two of you ARE new to this thing called dating. Basically, the last time the two of you had any dating skills, you were both in your 20's, right? A lot can change with a person in 20 years, especially dating moves. It sounds like you guys are just a little rusty at this. But if the man is asking other people about you and crossing the street to talk to you, yeah, he wants you!
Jack Africa Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Why not invite the guy AND his daughter around for dinner at your house and let it develop from there. He will follow that up with a date with you to 'return the favor'.. By then the wheels may be turning . Try to get past this "old school" thinking too -it is not going to work today. ( if he cannot make it I will come - homecooking, mmmm !)
brothermartin Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Why not invite the guy AND his daughter around for dinner at your house and let it develop from there. He will follow that up with a date with you to 'return the favor'.. By then the wheels may be turning . Try to get past this "old school" thinking too -it is not going to work today. ( if he cannot make it I will come - homecooking, mmmm !) Hey,...am I invited too? I could really go for some sweet-potato pie!
Author homerunmama Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 I have actually tried to get all four of us together - our daughters are considering attending the same college next year, and are even talking about rooming together. My son is already attending the same college, so I have been trying to get the four of us together to go to the school one weekend and let my son show the girls around the campus. There always seems to be some reason why they can't go with us....which is why I'm leary of planning anything any more "intimate" such as a dinner....and that I'm afraid that it will seem like I'm chasing him, which is what I don't want to do. By the way, I'm not great at the sweet potato pie, but I do make a killer chicken and dumplings, and homemade biscuits!
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 My friend is going through the same situation as you. I guess wait till the time is right and it will happen. Oh, he is definitely interested in you..... no guy goes out of his way if he doesn't want you....
Author homerunmama Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 BEB: I'd really like for you to keep me up on how things go with your friend.....sometimes it just helps to know that someone else is going through the same thing, and see how they handle it and how things work out for them. To elaborate on my previous post, too......the guy in question is not the one who is throwing the monkey wrench in the plans to take our daughters to tour the college campus, by the way. The daughter will get all excited, and then back out at the last minute.....usually because she has something she wants to do with HER boyfriend. But I don't think she is against her father and I getting together, either, judging from things she tells my daughter. Earlier this year, her father apparently dated someone from a town a couple of hours away a few times, and she was very unhappy about that because she didn't think it had been a long enough time since her mother passed away. As far as I can tell, he has since stopped seeing the other woman, isn't seeing anyone else as far as I know, and all the "flirty flirty" stuff with me started after this was over. The daughter says that she has since realized that her father is still a young man and is just lonely and needing some companionship, just like she and my daughter - and she tells my daughter every time he asks her about me. So, I think she's okay with this. I am sitting here reading my own posts, and those of all of you who have replied, and I can see that you all are probably right - and I still can't convince myself. I guess that's from 21 years of being told that I'm stupid, silly, idiotic, a da-- bi---, fat, ugly, etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseum. I suppose it's going to take a while to undo all those years of self-doubt and convince myself that I'm worthy enough to deserve someone as nice as this guy, and I guess I'm afraid that my worst fears will be realized and that he won't actually be interested in me. As my son says, I sound like a love-sick teenager.......
Author homerunmama Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Okay, another question for you guys/men out there, about this situation: The psycho ex-husband and his family have spread some pretty nasty, and very untrue, rumors around town about me since the separation and divorce, most likely to divert attention from his (and some of their) many indiscretions. This is a VERY small town that I live in.....less than 7000 people.....and very clique-y.....and most of the people here have as yet to move out of the adolescent stage of rumor-mongering. Here, you are also guilty until proven innocent once those rumors get started. I have lost a few "friends" over this, but for the most part, my friends and acquaintances have been supportive and unbelieving of those rumors. My fear is, now that we're pretty sure this guy is interested, that he has heard or will hear some of those rumors and lose interest, without checking to see if the rumors are true. If you were interested in a woman, but had heard rumors about her, would that scare you away immediately......or would you follow your heart and give her a chance first?
Racquel Colette Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I would not worry about the rumors. If you are a good person, the people in town know that and they know your exhusband is an *******. So....as far as the guy...well, you don't want a man who doesn't make the first move. He knows you exist, you just have to live your life and see if he calls. If he's REALLY interested in a date with you, he will call. Hell and high water won't stop an interested man. If he is not interested for real, he will not call.
brothermartin Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Okay, another question for you guys/men out there, about this situation: The psycho ex-husband and his family have spread some pretty nasty, and very untrue, rumors around town about me since the separation and divorce, most likely to divert attention from his (and some of their) many indiscretions. This is a VERY small town that I live in.....less than 7000 people.....and very clique-y.....and most of the people here have as yet to move out of the adolescent stage of rumor-mongering. Here, you are also guilty until proven innocent once those rumors get started. I have lost a few "friends" over this, but for the most part, my friends and acquaintances have been supportive and unbelieving of those rumors. My fear is, now that we're pretty sure this guy is interested, that he has heard or will hear some of those rumors and lose interest, without checking to see if the rumors are true. If you were interested in a woman, but had heard rumors about her, would that scare you away immediately......or would you follow your heart and give her a chance first? Actually, it would scare me a little bit, but not enough to run away. I dont believe rumors until I have real reason to. I would be more intrested in how she handled me questioning any rumors about her. And dont worry about the sweet potato pie, anything sweet and baked would do!
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