Missy27 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Your sexual issues ~ her emotional issues ~ the pair of you together have creaed a massive bubble of ~ sh~t ~~ no-ones fault ~ just life ~ and the last X many years have come raining down on you both like Gordon Brown & Tony Blair to our governent ~ !! ~ :mad: AND ~~~ I understand your frustration regarding her un-willingness to accept any 180's / positive changes / Plan A's that you might shine down upon her ~ in fact ~~ I kinda KNEW you were gonna say that ~~ she's 3/4 checked out ~~ but NOT all da way treacle ~~ impossible ~~ take it from me. So with that in mind ~~ I think definitely read ILMW's thread ~~ Its right there with what you are (kinda) goin through now ~~~ ILMW was the reason i posted on loveshack in the 1st place What he did right ~~ was let the wiff go ~~ set her free (ya know that ole sayin !! ~~} ~~ and worked on himself ~~~ no matter how good or bad your marriage is ~~ if someone offers you the opportunity to work on yer~self ~~ you gotta take it ~~ its like mastercard ~~~ priceless ~ !! Your wiff ~ to an indirect point has "given" you an opportunity to better yourself ~~ to work within and find the man inside of you ~~ the true "spartian" within ~~ I'd take that opportunity like a Gladiator to Lions if I were you ~~ cause I tell you what treacle ~~ it's an opportunity you will wish for if you dont take it now ~~ Take a step back ~~ let her go ~~ cause ~~ at the end of the day ~~ you cant make her stay can you ~ get on with YOUR life and YOU~~ find your Man Boobs and give em' a wash in sand & salt and work out what YOU ~~~~ LIB ~~~ WANTS ~~~~~ I am bred from a Military Grt Grandad ~ A Military Grandfather, a Marine Father and now my brothers a Marine (before my grt grandad i dont know cause they fell out) ~~ so I AM wrong ALOT of the time ~~ but I call it as I see it and I KNOW that you men are AMAZING (ALL MEN ~~ !!) ~~ I think YOU LIB deserve the chance to work out yourself ~~ iF wiff's still around afterwards ~ then all the better ~~ if not ~~ OH WELL ~ yal have ta come to the UK and find yer~self a properrr nieece nice country girrrl ~ !!
Author LostinBama Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Your sexual issues ~ her emotional issues ~ the pair of you together have creaed a massive bubble of ~ sh~t ~~ no-ones fault ~ just life ~ and the last X many years have come raining down on you both like Gordon Brown & Tony Blair to our governent ~ !! ~ :mad: AND ~~~ I understand your frustration regarding her un-willingness to accept any 180's / positive changes / Plan A's that you might shine down upon her ~ in fact ~~ I kinda KNEW you were gonna say that ~~ she's 3/4 checked out ~~ but NOT all da way treacle ~~ impossible ~~ take it from me. So with that in mind ~~ I think definitely read ILMW's thread ~~ Its right there with what you are (kinda) goin through now ~~~ ILMW was the reason i posted on loveshack in the 1st place What he did right ~~ was let the wiff go ~~ set her free (ya know that ole sayin !! ~~} ~~ and worked on himself ~~~ no matter how good or bad your marriage is ~~ if someone offers you the opportunity to work on yer~self ~~ you gotta take it ~~ its like mastercard ~~~ priceless ~ !! Your wiff ~ to an indirect point has "given" you an opportunity to better yourself ~~ to work within and find the man inside of you ~~ the true "spartian" within ~~ I'd take that opportunity like a Gladiator to Lions if I were you ~~ cause I tell you what treacle ~~ it's an opportunity you will wish for if you dont take it now ~~ Take a step back ~~ let her go ~~ cause ~~ at the end of the day ~~ you cant make her stay can you ~ get on with YOUR life and YOU~~ find your Man Boobs and give em' a wash in sand & salt and work out what YOU ~~~~ LIB ~~~ WANTS ~~~~~ I am bred from a Military Grt Grandad ~ A Military Grandfather, a Marine Father and now my brothers a Marine (before my grt grandad i dont know cause they fell out) ~~ so I AM wrong ALOT of the time ~~ but I call it as I see it and I KNOW that you men are AMAZING (ALL MEN ~~ !!) ~~ I think YOU LIB deserve the chance to work out yourself ~~ iF wiff's still around afterwards ~ then all the better ~~ if not ~~ OH WELL ~ yal have ta come to the UK and find yer~self a properrr nieece nice country girrrl ~ !! Thanks for the reply. I am going to work out my issues regardless of the outcome. I have become complacent and have distanced myself from people I care about for various reasons. Fixing that is number one, the wife could benefit if she is here, but it is a change I am committed to regardless. What he did right ~~ was let the wiff go ~~ set her free (ya know that ole sayin !! ~~} ~~ and worked on himself I already have let her go, not sure she knows it but she will get the message. I think YOU LIB deserve the chance to work out yourself This was a real wakeup call, so now I am awake. I know that I will get over this in time and will be a better man because of it. As I said, this will happen regardless if she reconsiders. Appreciate the support from everyone!
Gunny376 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 It wasn't my intent to imply to you that you could un-do 21 years of uh-oh's? That's really all water over the damn and under the brigde isn't it? I was merely pointing out that as a woman she has not only the capacity but the ability to re-call everyone of them, and you can bet your last bottom dollar that they're all swirling around in her mind ~ and she's using each and every one of them to rationalize and justify her decision to end the marriage. The really good news is that she's not really thinking this thing through, and she's not really using her rational state of mind to make this decision ~ but her emotional state of mind. As Missy said? She really, really doesn't deep down in the recess of her mind want a divorce, nor to leave. What she's wanting? Is for you to make some long term, permanent changes ~ and its her lack of faith that prevents her from believing that you can nor ever will do that. Your job ~ should you decided to accept it Mr. Phelps, is to convince her to do otherwise and to help her reconcilie her emotional and rational state of mind? Not an easy thing to do? Not given your "track-record" thus far to date. And, I'm not beating up on you? Because if I'm pointing one finger at you? I've got three pointing back at myself! The truth of the matter is? You and I just didn't know ~ we didn't have the pre-requistite knowledge that we needed to be married in the first place. Indeed? The fact that you've made it 21 years speaks volumes both about you and your wife. But wait and hold the phone! Drop your liner and quit your grinnin. If you think that for one minute that your recent sprint of learning and gaining knowledge is enough ~ you're sadly wrong. I've been divorced for seventeen years. Tried the shacking up deal with another for six and half. After she and I broke up? I decided that I just had to give this dating and mating business a break! I had to quit being a fool, and get my happy azz back into school! And if I've learned anything ~ is that you never stop learning. That's what brought me to LS to begin with ~ because I was sick and tired of being "re-active" in relationships, and wanted to be more "pro-active" in them. So learing about how to properly care and manage a relationship is a life long pursuit. Just as the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step? So does "for happliy ever after" begin with day one? And just like combat ~ OJT (On The Job Training) is a lousy way to learn? Same with marriage ~ yet as your friend Mr. Turtle points out? That's how most of us learn? There's very little next to nothing that prepares any of us ~ men or women for marriage. Elementary school? Nope! Middle school? Nope! High School? Nope! College? Nope! Being in the military? Nope! Church? Nope! So we run our young happy azzes out there only to find ourselves crawling out from the wrech of a marriage and bus named "Express Divorce" And I wouldn't go patting myself on the back about not falling down on the job when it comes to your "husbandly duties" (Mind you! I've only within the last week came upon this reading the book, "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need More Shoes") But if you kept a score book with your wife for one week about every little thing you did? Yours would be over-inflated, and hers would be under inflated. Women (in general, subconscioiuly keep a scorebook) and most of what you do? Rates 1 point ~ whereas in your mind this or that might rate a 3 or 5. For example? You work five days a week? In your mind? Five days = five points! In hers? It = 1. You take out the garbage +1 You take out the garbage at 4:30 A.M as the truck pulls away -1 You load the dishwasher whenever You dirty a dish? +1 You leave dishes in the sink? - 1 You leave them under the bed? -3 You leave the toliet seat up? -1 You leave the toliet seat up in the middle of the night and she's prenant? -10 You pee on the seat? -5 You completely miss the toliet? -7 You replace the toliet paper rool when its empty? 0 When the toliet paper is empty you resort to Kleenex? -1 You don't air the bathroom? -1 You make the bed? +1 You throw the bedspreed ove crumpled sheets? -1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows? 0 You fart in bed? -5 You make sure there's pleaty of gas in the car for her? +1 There's barely enough gas left to make it to the nearest gas station (with prayers) -1 You check out a suspicious noise late at night and its nothing? + 1 You check out a suspicious noise late at night and its something? +3 You smash him with a baseball bat? +10 Its her father? -10 You stay beside her side during the whole party? + 5 You stay with her for awhile and then go and chat up and old school pal? -2 Named Sabrina? - 9 When mingling, you hold her hand and gaze out her lovingly +4 You lose the directions on a trip? -4 You lose the directions and get lost? -10 You get lost in a bad part of town? -15 You meet the locals up close and personal? -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt? -60 In closing? What ilmw did? He evoked the 14 Leadership Principles and Seven Leadership traits. He identified his weaknesses and sought to over-come them. He took initiative. He used "tact" treating others the way he would want to be treated if he were them. He committed himself to prepetual self-improvement. He girder himself for the worse ~ while hoping for the best. He committed himself to personal self improvement ~ not just for the sake of his marriage, his wife, but for his children and himself! He was commited! He took the hard road, the high road! He checked his morals, his values, his honor and found that were true. He was true to himself, his belief system, his "code of honor" He also rode this roller-coaster out for eighteen and half months before his wife came around. You sound as though you're doing a good job of "suckng it up!" Be P A T I E N T! And I'm talking a years worth or more! You've got all the time in the world. Take this time to improve you and your life! To learn and grow! I wish you well! Godspeed!
Missy27 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Women (in general, subconscioiuly keep a scorebook) and most of what you do? Rates 1 point ~ whereas in your mind this or that might rate a 3 or 5. For example? You work five days a week? In your mind? Five days = five points! In hers? It = 1. You take out the garbage +1 You take out the garbage at 4:30 A.M as the truck pulls away -1 You load the dishwasher whenever You dirty a dish? +1 You leave dishes in the sink? - 1 You leave them under the bed? -3 You leave the toliet seat up? -1 You leave the toliet seat up in the middle of the night and she's prenant? -10 You pee on the seat? -5 You completely miss the toliet? -7 You replace the toliet paper rool when its empty? 0 When the toliet paper is empty you resort to Kleenex? -1 You don't air the bathroom? -1 You make the bed? +1 You throw the bedspreed ove crumpled sheets? -1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows? 0 You fart in bed? -5 You make sure there's pleaty of gas in the car for her? +1 There's barely enough gas left to make it to the nearest gas station (with prayers) -1 You check out a suspicious noise late at night and its nothing? + 1 You check out a suspicious noise late at night and its something? +3 You smash him with a baseball bat? +10 Its her father? -10 You stay beside her side during the whole party? + 5 You stay with her for awhile and then go and chat up and old school pal? -2 Named Sabrina? - 9 When mingling, you hold her hand and gaze out her lovingly +4 You lose the directions on a trip? -4 You lose the directions and get lost? -10 You get lost in a bad part of town? -15 You meet the locals up close and personal? -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt? -60 :laugh::lmao: ROTFLMAO ~~~ Brilliant ~ !!! Truly Sublime And Absolutely No Doubt ~ No Question ~ No Deviation ~~ BANG ON ~ EXACTLY how it is ~ !!
Author LostinBama Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 The really good news is that she's not really thinking this thing through, and she's not really using her rational state of mind to make this decision ~ but her emotional state of mind. As Missy said? She really, really doesn't deep down in the recess of her mind want a divorce, nor to leave. What she's wanting? Is for you to make some long term, permanent changes ~ and its her lack of faith that prevents her from believing that you can nor ever will do that. All I can do is apply what I have learned here and elsewhere. I cannot combat the scores that she may have tallied like you illustrate. She may be not thinking the decision through totally and from what I have seen she is totally committed to divorce. If that changes, I will happily report it here... I do appreciate the comments, though. I am learning to accept all of this slowly.
Author LostinBama Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 It wasn't my intent to imply to you that you could un-do 21 years of uh-oh's? That's really all water over the damn and under the brigde isn't it? As Missy said? She really, really doesn't deep down in the recess of her mind want a divorce, nor to leave. What she's wanting? Is for you to make some long term, permanent changes ~ and its her lack of faith that prevents her from believing that you can nor ever will do that. Thanks Gunny for trying to cheer me up! I am not pessimistic or optimistic, just factual (Vulcan remember). My daughter came home from college and we told her. She went out with the wife last night and I spoke with her this morning. She said that the wife is adamant about leaving. My daughter told me that she does not think she will change her mind. Man I love my daughter and we had a great talk about this and our relationship. If there is a silver lining, I believe we will become closer because of all this. You see she always did things with my wife. I have come to realization that my wife has checked out emotionally and will do so physically as soon as possible. I suppose I am in the coping stage now.
Gunny376 Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 For awhile there I though I was rubbing salt into your wounds, and had seriously contemplated ceasing to post your thread? You're fortunate in that your DD (Dear Daughter) is a grown and mature young adult ~ and seems to be handling this well, and is conforting to both of you and the wife. And its good that you've accepted that the wife has left the marriage emotionally and soon physically. Many men don't ~ ever! And its also good that there's not another man? That really is rubbing salt into an open wound. I don't know if you've ever heard of "Maslow's Needs" which basically says that has a heirarchy of needs and everything that you do results directly or indirectly from emotion that demand that you meet them! The first is physiological: The most basic needs, such as air, water, food, warmth, sleep and sex. Next is Saftey: Establishing stability and consitencey in a chaotic world. In mordern times and in the Western world this is mostly psychological but can be just as equally stressful and threatening when faced with a job-loss or divorce. Love: People need to belong. People desire to be loved and accepted by others. Divorce throws you under the bus on this one. Esteem This internally generated feeling usually results from achieving competence in or mastering a task ~ such as being a father, a husband, a man. Attention, recognition, and social status come from others. Finally, Self-Actualization: We desire to become everything that we are capable of becoming. People who have met all of their lowe needs can then maximize their potential. Divorce/seperation threatens each and everyone of these in some form or fashion. And in as where you may have meet the other four needs in order, and be on the cusp of self-actualization, divorce comes along and knocks many of us back to the very bottom? Logic and reason can be used to determine a course of action, but more often than now men and women are motivated more persuasively by thier emotions. Often we simply use our intellects to rationalize emotional actions after the fact. To women, emotions are much more profound and ecompassing thatn they are to men. That said, women more often than not use their emotional minds to make decisions because it feels "right" without the justifable rational and "logical" reasons behind it. But the reality of it is all together a different story. Both ilmw's wife and PSWX3 opted for seperation because they weren't feeling it for them anyore. And I presume that you and the wife live in Alabama? I went into the Marine Corps when I was 18 and stayed for 20 years. When I retired and got out of college? I was amazed ~ stunned ~ shocked ~ as to how hard it was for a woman to simply find a job! (Hell! I was stunned and shocked at how are for me to find a decent job?! LOL! Its all about who you know here in Alabama.) The fact of the matter is? Its a cold, cruel world out there, with a lot of not so nice and friendly people. And 21 years is a long time! And its a simple fact of life ~ that the older we get, the tables "flip" from what they were in HS or college! Once we're past forty ~ there are more good old gals then there are good old boys. The same rules that apply to finding and keeping a good job apply to finding a good man or woman! Their out there? But generally speaking? They've already been taken, and the folks that have them, have had them a good long while, and they plan on keeping them! And your going to have to damn near kill them to get them away from them. The time to be looking for a "new" one ~ is when you've got one, and you don't "quit" one until you've got another one to go to. Which is why "cheaters" do what they do! Men and women? They bring different things to the table. And the reasons that a woman gets with a man is different than the reasons a man gets with a man? I'm not going to get into the full-blown of it all? But better to be a fifty year old divorced man than a fifty year old divorced woman. (And NO its not fair, ~ that's just reality ~ Life) Finally? Its good that your DD is a young adult. You could be dealing with this kind of BS! http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/annies-mailbox/annie-s-mailbox-r-2007-11-17.html FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! The Femin-Nazi's" has got it well ingrained into American Society that if a "Man cheats? Its his fault! If a woman cheats? Its still his fault!"
Author LostinBama Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 …and had seriously contemplated ceasing to post your thread? Did I say something to offend? If I did I apologize. I do not want to alienate people here either… I don't know if you've ever heard of "Maslow's Needs" which basically says that has a heirarchy of needs and everything that you do results directly or indirectly from emotion that demand that you meet them! I remember it from psychology class but it is rather foggy now. Thanks for the refresher, It does put some things in perspective. And I presume that you and the wife live in Alabama? Yes, we are in Huntsville. However, she is going to move to Pennsylvania to be close to family. The Femin-Nazi's" has got it well ingrained into American Society that if a "Man cheats? Its his fault! If a woman cheats? Its still his fault!" I’m still not sure she hasn’t, but I totally agree with what you are saying. Everything is a man’s fault… Thanks for the post, and thanks for continuing to post. Silence is not going to help me…
Ladyjane14 Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Did I say something to offend? If I did I apologize. I do not want to alienate people here either… I wouldn't think so. More likely, he was worried that he had somehow offended YOU. Good post, btw, Guns.. as usual. Very thought provoking.
Author LostinBama Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 I wouldn't think so. More likely, he was worried that he had somehow offended YOU. Good post, btw, Guns.. as usual. Very thought provoking. I am not easily offended, so i that is true Guns please feel free to say anything. I really want open and honest feedback.
Author LostinBama Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 I do have a question for those of you more experienced here. Today my wife became upset with me when we talked about finances (she brought it up). She is only going to have to look after herself and seems interested in what I am doing with my bills and money (my budget for the future). She says she does not want alimony or my retirement accounts, but she is obsessed somewhat with inflow/outflow. I will be strapped and she knows it. Her car will be payed off in May and she will stay here and work until then. Then she is out of here. She keeps saying that she will not have any money when she moves until she finds a job. I simply responded “that is your choice.” That ticked her off. I told her that I was trying to figure out a way to help her get out in Jan. She seemed pleased and then said that she needed to work until Apr/May to build up some cash to get by on when she moves. There seems to be no change in her resolve to divorce, so I doubt this has anything to do with reconsideration. I am too close to the flame to see the meaning (if any) to this and would love to hear any opinions to what this is about…
redblack66 Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I do have a question for those of you more experienced here. Today my wife became upset with me when we talked about finances (she brought it up). She is only going to have to look after herself and seems interested in what I am doing with my bills and money (my budget for the future). She says she does not want alimony or my retirement accounts, but she is obsessed somewhat with inflow/outflow. I will be strapped and she knows it. Her car will be payed off in May and she will stay here and work until then. Then she is out of here. She keeps saying that she will not have any money when she moves until she finds a job. I simply responded “that is your choice.” That ticked her off. I told her that I was trying to figure out a way to help her get out in Jan. She seemed pleased and then said that she needed to work until Apr/May to build up some cash to get by on when she moves. There seems to be no change in her resolve to divorce, so I doubt this has anything to do with reconsideration. I am too close to the flame to see the meaning (if any) to this and would love to hear any opinions to what this is about… I have been in this situation for 4 months, and still I am. I would not look for any meaning. You would drive yourself crazy.
Author LostinBama Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 I have been in this situation for 4 months, and still I am. I would not look for any meaning. You would drive yourself crazy. Crazy? I'm already there...
Author LostinBama Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 Gunny, LJ, RB, and Missy, I suppose I got my Man Boobs and gave em' a wash in sand & salt because I have had it. If she wants out, I will show her the door. You are all correct, I cannot make anyone love me, nor should I try. Her loss, not mine. Now things are looking like it is becoming about money. Before it was just I want out, now compensation is being mentioned. Amazing how little we know people after decades... I appreciate all the support, but we are moving beyond reconciliation quickly...
redblack66 Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Gunny, LJ, RB, and Missy, I suppose I got my Man Boobs and gave em' a wash in sand & salt because I have had it. If she wants out, I will show her the door. You are all correct, I cannot make anyone love me, nor should I try. Her loss, not mine. Now things are looking like it is becoming about money. Before it was just I want out, now compensation is being mentioned. Amazing how little we know people after decades... I appreciate all the support, but we are moving beyond reconciliation quickly... Yes, how little we know. The most wonderful, sincere, and honest person may screw you up. You can see my tread. Sometimes I wonder if "perfect" people can mess up because of changes in their brain chemistry. This is how I explain my wife, but who knows. Just speculations.
Gunny376 Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 :lmao:Its been my general experience that there are two kinds of people in the world? Those to whom money, sex, impressing someone else, possessions, status, means a great deal to them ~ and those that don't. Generally the aforementioned? Are shallow, and simple minded. They also tend to be cheaters! And they also tend to be un-happy! And they're constantly looking for something their never going to find ~ because to find it? They've got to find it from within. But they're always looking for it somewhere else? I actually posted to your thread ~ or tried to ~ when the money question first came up. But, being the "cheap-azz" that I am ~ I've got dial up instead of DSL, and I've been having problems with it? So it didn't post. Well? You're "up in tha' s&8% now?" In the Marines, some pencil-pusher of a Second Lt. decides that the "combat load" (what Marines need to carry in combat) is this and that? Trouble is? Once they get there? Us "Gunny's" strip them of this and that, you won't need this, and you want need that, but you've got to have this!" It caused quite a "stir" when married Marines wrote home and told their wives they needed lubricated condoms? Why? To put on the muzzels of their M-16's to keep them lubricated and the sand out! So? You need to write and/or send off for all three of your credit reports. See what's going on there! Pay the extra couple of bucks to find out what your FICA/Beacon score is. You might have accounts at Belks, Parisian, or McRaees you didn't know you had? Close any and all joint accounts. To include checking and savings! She wants a divorce? She's got it! Your business is your business! Not her's! Goggle "Mary Hunt" and "Debt-Proof Living" and "Dave Ramsey" and "Complete Money Makeover" LOL! :lmao: It PPO that I leave three months worth of pay-checks laying around at the collection point. Its just that I have simple needs A roof over my head? Food in my mouth! Me? I am a "SPARTAIN!" Like "Lady Jane Hell! I like "Bennies and Wennies" and "whatever"
Author LostinBama Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 :lmao:Its been my general experience that there are two kinds of people in the world? Those to whom money, sex, impressing someone else, possessions, status, means a great deal to them ~ and those that don't. Generally the aforementioned? Are shallow, and simple minded. They also tend to be cheaters! And they also tend to be un-happy! And they're constantly looking for something their never going to find ~ because to find it? They've got to find it from within. But they're always looking for it somewhere else? I actually posted to your thread ~ or tried to ~ when the money question first came up. But, being the "cheap-azz" that I am ~ I've got dial up instead of DSL, and I've been having problems with it? So it didn't post. Well? You're "up in tha' s&8% now?" In the Marines, some pencil-pusher of a Second Lt. decides that the "combat load" (what Marines need to carry in combat) is this and that? Trouble is? Once they get there? Us "Gunny's" strip them of this and that, you won't need this, and you want need that, but you've got to have this!" It caused quite a "stir" when married Marines wrote home and told their wives they needed lubricated condoms? Why? To put on the muzzels of their M-16's to keep them lubricated and the sand out! So? You need to write and/or send off for all three of your credit reports. See what's going on there! Pay the extra couple of bucks to find out what your FICA/Beacon score is. You might have accounts at Belks, Parisian, or McRaees you didn't know you had? Close any and all joint accounts. To include checking and savings! She wants a divorce? She's got it! Your business is your business! Not her's! Goggle "Mary Hunt" and "Debt-Proof Living" and "Dave Ramsey" and "Complete Money Makeover" LOL! :lmao: It PPO that I leave three months worth of pay-checks laying around at the collection point. Its just that I have simple needs A roof over my head? Food in my mouth! Me? I am a "SPARTAIN!" Like "Lady Jane Hell! I like "Bennies and Wennies" and "whatever" Thanks Gunny good advice as usual. The situation continues to deteriorate and we barely even talk anymore. The resentment she portrays is quite thick and I do not have a clue why it is so pronounced after she spilled the beans (no weenies in these beans ). I figured that a huge weight would have been lifted when she pronounced her wish for a divorce. Oh well…
Author LostinBama Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Now a woman who's REALLY made up her mind to go, is GONE. She'll accept your kindness and still move on. But one who's only cleaving to her own stubbornness and hasn't completely committed to her decision is liable to fight like a cornered badger. Conflict can be a good thing. It represents the opportunity to negotiate. Conflict has gotten nowhere and she just stays away now. I have spoke with a mutual friend and my daughter and they both told me she is gone. She is not rational about moving away, but that is the only thing that she wants (has) to do. I could no more hold a Salmon from going upriver. I filed for an uncontested divorce and sent the paperwork to the lawyer today. About six weeks from now it should be over. Her departure is also timed about that time. I would like to thank all of you who have cared and responded, as it meant a lot for me. It still does, and I check in here often to get recharged by at least reading advice to others. Thank you all!
Gunny376 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Check in from time to time ~ let us know how things and yourself are going. Some recovery quickly, but most don't ~ as a rule of thumb give yourself six months for each year of marriage ~ (or at least one month for every year of marriage Take it slow, its the end of your marriage ~ not the end of your life.
Author LostinBama Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Check in from time to time ~ let us know how things and yourself are going. Some recovery quickly, but most don't ~ as a rule of thumb give yourself six months for each year of marriage ~ (or at least one month for every year of marriage Take it slow, its the end of your marriage ~ not the end of your life. Good advice, and not a moment too soon... I suppose everyone goes through this, and now it is my turn. The realization of all of this came crashing down on me today and I pretty much lost it emotionally. I started crying (very uncharacteristic for me) and it felt as if someone ripped my guts out. Rational thoughts escaped and were replaced with panicky and distraught ones. I took the day off, so luckily I am the only witness. I imagine that this episode will not be the last and if what Gunny says is true I have between 2 to 12 years before I am over it. I know that the pain will probably abate as time goes on, but this morning was agonizing. I also know that there is not any “magic pill” or advice that can be given to ease the pain, but maybe logging these things here will help. I wonder if my STBX is experiencing any of this. I will probably never know the answer to that question… If anyone else is where I am, here is a link that helped a little: http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/soa12.htm
Gunny376 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Truth be told? You never actually get over it? You more learn to deal with it, live it?! You learn to accept it? You learn to deal with it?! Queen Vitoria morned for Prince Albert for 30 years! It changes you! Its like dragging a dead horse around everywhere you go! People pointing at ya and saying "You're dragging around a dead-horse!" You know it! They know it! YOU'VE GOT TO make the consious decesion to move on and forward with your life! To make the best of your life! "Most people are as about as happy as they make thier minds up to be!" ~ Abe Lincolin Each day I wake up? I tell myself this. ( Along with "DON'T be an azzhole~ today! The World is covered up with them!) Keep posting!
Author LostinBama Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 Truth be told? You never actually get over it? You more learn to deal with it, live it?! You learn to accept it? You learn to deal with it?! Queen Vitoria morned for Prince Albert for 30 years! It changes you! Its like dragging a dead horse around everywhere you go! People pointing at ya and saying "You're dragging around a dead-horse!" You know it! They know it! YOU'VE GOT TO make the consious decesion to move on and forward with your life! To make the best of your life! "Most people are as about as happy as they make thier minds up to be!" ~ Abe Lincolin Each day I wake up? I tell myself this. ( Along with "DON'T be an azzhole~ today! The World is covered up with them!) Keep posting! I kind of figured that it will never go away... I am in sort of limbo until she away next month. I know that will be the turning point for me and look forward to that part to be over. I see a VA doctor in the beginning of Jan and may ask for some AD drugs as I think I am there. Hopefully that may take the edge off a little. I will keep posting and let you folks know where this all goes...
Author LostinBama Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Just a quick update, I have crossed over the threshold from denial to acceptance. I have also entered into the land of anger but that is sometimes tempered with sadness. Many miles to go, but I have started down the road. From what I can see the road looks treacherous, but passable. I will update more for my personal therapy than advice, but feel free to comment as I could always use the conversation. Maybe I should change my name to, LonelyinBama…
Author LostinBama Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 This just in... She had an affair with her old boyfriend when she was back home. I found a phone that he had given her to keep in touch. It may, or may not function after I threw it into the driveway (tough little phone!). I am set back emotionally by this and am very angry, but I am still moving forward...
Gunny376 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Progressing through the five stages of grief is only part of it, and its the totality and combination of all the mental and emotional anguish combined that can really do you in? To get through this, you've really got to work your azz off. You've got to recognize not only the five stages of grief, but what this does to your self worth, self esteem in all your personages and roles (husband, lover, father, care-giver, etc) Because your STBXW has chossen to participate in an extramarital affair does not diminish you as a person nor an individual in any sense of the word, nor in any of your roles in life. Indeed! Its her whose self worth and value is diminished. In her guilt she may attempt a multitude of strategties ~ such as blaming you for the affiar, because of something you did or didn't say or do? Don't buy into it! And don't buy into her BS that you should of, could of, would of I know your angry, hurt, lost, dazed and confussed ~ but what is your next step. Is she still in the martial home? Is she still moving out in Jan?
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