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Posted

For some reason, I have a strong urge to post this. It's been two years, but I'm finally able to do some accepting about my A.

 

I was the OW for two years. It ended two years ago. We were both married and bored, and looking. We met online, and lived about 150 miles apart.

 

I fell in love...big time. He told me he loved me two weeks after we met. He told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He asked me to marry him when we were both out of marriages. He told me he'd never felt as loved, accepted, desired, as I made him feel. All those feelings were very mutual. We talked all day, every work day...he'd sneak in a call to me most evenings, sometimes on weekends. I was very attached. Sometimes, he'd cry real tears whenever we'd manage to have a "meeting" and we'd have to leave each other.

 

He made me feel like the most adored woman alive, even from 150 miles away. The sex was....well....absolutely the most fantastic sex I'd ever experienced. He was expressive, adventurous, erotic...and I was in heaven when we were together. Of course, because it began with us both looking for sex, it was an extremely sexually intense relationship.

 

Breaking up with him was THE most difficult time of my life. But I knew I wanted more....I had gotten divorced, and wanted a "whole" relationship. He couldn't accomodate me.

 

Early into our relationship, we had exchanged passwords to e-mail accounts...we'd leave each other love notes, etc. Once we broke up, we each changed our passwords to prohibit each other's access...or so I thought. We never really had complete NC, as we'd still email, sometimes talk on the phone.

 

About a year after breaking up, I was still missing him, and went to his e-mail hoping I could access it and leave him a note. Sure enough, the password to his email was what it had always been....and I was ecstatic. I thought he'd deliberately allowed me access to his e-mail, like we'd always done, in an effort to have even more communication with me. I thought I'd go into his account and find our memories, find letters written for me, find notes and all those sweet, sweet words that he was so good at using....

 

But I was devastated all over again. There were e-mails there from his new OW. He said the EXACT same things to her...she was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he wanted to marry her someday, she made him feel SO special....it was like a slow motion movie screen.

 

What sickens me, now, is that when I read things about being the OW, from complete strangers, I read THE SAME THING. It's like a script of MY relationship with the MM, except it's not me, and it's not him. It makes me SO angry with myself that I had so much invested in him, and it was all a fantasy. For him, anyway.

 

I felt foolish, stupid, used, but mostly, today, I feel extremely lucky to now be involved in a "whole" relationship with a single man. It's not perfect, but you know what? He's AVAILABLE to me, 24/7. There's no hiding. He is involved completely in my life, as I am involved completely in his.

 

It absolutely sickens me to know that I was a pawn. He said all the right things. But he was married and had no intention of getting out, despite his claims that he was deliberately sabotaging the marriage. There's still a tiny piece of my heart that cries, "He WAS sincere...he couldn't have faked all that." But all I have to do is remember that he had another OW strung out on him by using the same lines. Sweet, sweet words. But JUST words.

 

Sickening. Took me a long time to recover from him. And you know what? He's STILL married.

Posted

Nice to know you can be happy now tho. :)

Made me sick reading that!

I really don't know if these men are *HUMAN.

Posted

Thanks for the sobering post. It IS sickeneing...but you WERE lucky you didn't end up with him. Best of luck to you with the new guy. Sometimes God has better plans for us...and as ling as we are blocking that from happening, we can never move forward.

Posted

I don't post here due to I was the W that was cheated on. However, I wanted to say something personal to you. Good post by the way.

 

My H did just what your OM did, 5 times (Maybe it's him - who knows). When I finally arrived at my last straw in April of this year, I had his computer taken to an expert. I received every email, pic, etc that he put on it/ received also. He too used all the same lines and wants, needs and said all the same things about me to each OW. (5 in all at least what I have found out about)

 

So I was clearly uspet with him for me. But then for these other OW too. Really one called and I told her woman to woman you need to tell me. We are women first then comes men. She laughed cause she thought she had the upper hand. (he is still here and still married to me, she lost) I think it is sad that they play this "game" of I can juggle several women at the same time and keep up with them all. My H is going to be single soon. He is still wanting to work things out. I on the other hand do not want to be apart of his sick fantasy of what he "thinks" marriage is. Or apart of his array of women. I deserve more respect than that.

 

But I do know this does happen as it did with him. So I wonder just how many others are being taken advantage of? How said for OW and for OM who are being lied to while these serial cheaters are loose and at bay in communities.

 

Just thought I would tell a lil about my experience. I do not agree with OW/OM having affairs. But I wanted to say it does happen and I have the proof.

 

abeliever

Posted

You know what's the more sickening part is that, you women place yourselves in that decision to fall for what these married men say and believe what they say.

 

But when you know what he's doing y'all be in denial. If you knew the truth about you being a piece on the side do you honestly think you would sacrifise so much for a damn lie?

 

The the OP, whatever happened to your husband? Did you apologize to him for the affair? I mean now that you snapped out of it, I mean did you not fully understand you just destroyed your family for nothing?

  • Author
Posted

Thanks, girls, for the replies.

 

Abeliever, I'm sorry you're going through that. Since the A, I, too, have been on the receiving end of cheating and its so painful. I'm SO very glad that my MM's wife never found out about me, or that my exH never found out about him. That hurt is...like no other pain.

 

I learned alot from my A. Mostly, that actions speak louder than words. Also that I'll never put myself in that position again. The potential for life-shattering consequences is just too great. But once one is involved in something so intense, we tend to start justifying our actions. Pure selfishness.

 

I am more content today than I've ever been, and my BF...my SINGLE bf...brings tons of good things to my life. I listened to my gut about my MM, and it paid off. I'm much better off.

 

Thanks! Y'all have a great day!

  • Author
Posted

Chrome, my marriage was on the downhill slide when I began that affair. Although it was a catalyst, I didn't leave my H for the MM. I left the H for me.

 

No, thankfully, exH never knew about the A. Thankfully.

 

And you're very right, its sickening that we allow ourselves to be played like that. I put myself in that position, so I had to be a big girl and deal with the consequences of a broken heart. I've even had to forgive myself for the pure WRONGNESS of it. I know right from wrong, and it was wrong.

 

It's all good now, though. :)

Posted

Glad that you've found someone worthy of your love and your enery!

 

Do yourself a favour though, don't ever sneak a peak into your exMM's email account, not even for kicks!

 

Good luck and stay happy.

Posted

This is a perfect example of why I went into this affair with the knowledge that he very well may be lying to me, and to Not fall in love with him. Sure, his coworkers know about our affair, but it surely does not justify his actions. Sure, he says things to me about his wife--"she's crazy, she's this, she's that," and I'm sure some of these things may very well be true, but at the same time, I know he's exaggerating to get what he needs from me. So I'm being as open-minded about this as possible. I know it feels so nice when the MM tells you he loves you and you're better than his wife, etc. but c'mon! Always keep in mind that he might be saying the same exact things to three other women at the same time.

 

Be open-minded :) then you have less to lose!

Posted
I felt foolish, stupid, used, but mostly, today, I feel extremely lucky to now be involved in a "whole" relationship with a single man.

 

You know what ... there isn’t a single person who’s lived long enough and experienced enough who can’t look back on some relationship they had with a person and say the same thing. Doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it was ... friendship, romantic, familial, professional. It just goes along with the territory and is all a part of our learning and growing process.

 

The one thing I can take away from my very different, yet ‘oh-so-similar’ relationship experiences is: That two halves of a person does not a WHOLE relationship make.

 

No matter if your sharing your partner with another lover; an addiction; a job, hobby or outside interest that occupies too much of your time; and even an over demanding friend or relative who requires more maintenance and attention than you have left over to give to your primary relationship partner. Only two whole people who are fully invested in one another can keep a relationship alive and happy.

 

And if you’re lucky enough to ever find yourself in one of these ... you realize rather quickly that all those “other” relationships that seemed so important were just practice runs for the REAL thing. And all the ‘growing pains’ you struggled through were worth every bit in the end because it brought you to the place where you are now.

 

I’d happily relive my past all over again if that’s what it took to crawl through the fire back into the arms of the wonderful man who stands at my side now.

Posted

Abeliever-

 

Do I know you from someplace else? :)

 

WWIU- Shout out, friend. Nice to see you're still around!

 

Confused-

 

Its not surprising that your reading both sides of those emails looked like 'deja moo'.

 

Affairs follow the same script, virtually every time. What he said, what she said...considering he's the same 'person' you knew before, its not surprising that his comments to her were identical to what he said to you in that situation. And he likely chose someone similar to you to continue his cheating...therefore HER comments were just like yours.

 

These things are almost never 'unique'. This is a prime example.

 

Now, that doesn't change the way you feel about it...but it can give you a different way to look at it at least.

Posted
You know what ... there isn’t a single person who’s lived long enough and experienced enough who can’t look back on some relationship they had with a person and say the same thing. Doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it was ... friendship, romantic, familial, professional. It just goes along with the territory and is all a part of our learning and growing process.

 

The one thing I can take away from my very different, yet ‘oh-so-similar’ relationship experiences is: That two halves of a person does not a WHOLE relationship make.

 

No matter if your sharing your partner with another lover; an addiction; a job, hobby or outside interest that occupies too much of your time; and even an over demanding friend or relative who requires more maintenance and attention than you have left over to give to your primary relationship partner. Only two whole people who are fully invested in one another can keep a relationship alive and happy.

 

And if you’re lucky enough to ever find yourself in one of these ... you realize rather quickly that all those “other” relationships that seemed so important were just practice runs for the REAL thing. And all the ‘growing pains’ you struggled through were worth every bit in the end because it brought you to the place where you are now.

 

I’d happily relive my past all over again if that’s what it took to crawl through the fire back into the arms of the wonderful man who stands at my side now.

 

 

two halves of a person does not a WHOLE relationship make.

Thank You Enigma! That saying will forever be etched in my brain.

Perfect!

TF

Posted
You know what ... there isn’t a single person who’s lived long enough and experienced enough who can’t look back on some relationship they had with a person and say the same thing. Doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it was ... friendship, romantic, familial, professional. It just goes along with the territory and is all a part of our learning and growing process.

 

This paragraph right here is what I wish most of the OP posters on this forum would internalize. Most of us that post here have had similar (though not the same) situations. An A is worse in my eyes because I do believe that getting involved with a married person is wrong - for the married person and for the other person (be they married or single). But, in the end, cheaters of all stripes use the same BS lines on everyone in their path. Married cheaters probably did it when they were single too.

 

I may not have ever cheated on my H, and regardless of his cheating on me, I do know the pain of being in a lopsided relationship based on fantasy and unrealistic expectations.

 

Thanks, Enigma.

Posted

Owl, well I don't know- do you know me????

 

Is that a pick up line??? Meow. Prrrrrrrrr. LOL JK

 

No really I do not think I know you? Do I?

 

BS they fall for the cheating H lies too. Hence, some stay with them even after the A. So we fall for their bull$hit lines also. But hey- we all have weaknesses I just wished mine was chocolate and not a cheating H! Ha.

 

Well, at least finally learned. :o

 

abeliever

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