Ow Challenge...

[PLAYBRAT]

Hi guys.I decided I seriously need to put my desire for my married friend behind me and move on.I realized I have truly been unhappy....and it is my own doing. All I am doing is putting my life on hod by waiting for something to happen that may NEVER happen. As long as I am on the back burner he never has to make a decision about whether he NEEDS me in his life.

 

I always thought he made my life better...and I feel so much happier with HIM in it...but that's the point.it can't always be about HIM. What about ME?? When do I get MY life back??

 

I am challenging all of you OW (like myself) that are tired of waiting and waiting and waiting.....to finally get your lives and your selves BACK.

Break it off in whatever way is best for you..NOT for him...and

be happy again.

 

For me I am simply disappearing. I really owe him nothing. He already got the best of me. I want to do it NOW...before the holidays..when I will be faced with the thoughts of him having a lovey dovey time with his family...while HOPING for a call or message. I cannot do it. Not anymore.

 

If you are prepared....lets do it together and support each other.

Let us know how and when you are ending it....

 

Anyone?

[PLAYBRAT]

I saw this on another site..but added in some of my own stuff...

Just some tips to help...

 

 

 

 

 

First of all, you have to bury the person you made up in your imagination.The MM murdered that person and they ain't coming back.

 

~ You can only be a victim once; stick around and you are a volunteer, an enabler and a co-conspirator.

 

~ It IS a choice. You don't have to see them. You don't have to screw them. You don't have to text them or call them or IM them. You do those things because you want to do them. Not because you have to.

 

~ Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.

 

~ What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, your problems. As long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

 

~ "When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig loves it." It isn't going to change anything, but he/she will likely get a big ego over the fact that you can't move on past them. And in the end, you just get to start over with all the pain again.

 

~ Maybe this image will help. You're lying on your deathbed, reflecting on your life... just how much of your legacy will you feel good about devoting to pining over a lost love? Please stop wasting time with this situation. You are needed elsewhere on this planet.

 

~ This man/woman doesn't have a real hold over you and you can stop it any time. Don't worry about recovering yet - first make the pain of staying stop. When you feel the control come back into your life you will see that there are many ways to heal, however painful. Sit this person down and tell them it is over, that your pain is too great to continue.

 

~ A big problem that many of us here have is a need to control an uncontrollable situation. We want to predict, to pine, to wallow, in the hope that somehow the outcome will change. I promise that will be as futile as trying to control a person or anything else in this life.

 

~ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

~ "Can we still be friends" = "Can we still have sex sometime"

 

~ The ball is now and always has been in your court. If you really want to end this, sit quietly with the pain, right now, and do NOTHING. Don't expect a call, Don't expect him/her to call. Get comfortable with uncertainty and watch how your life can change.

 

~ No Contact IS the best. Take the power back and keep it otherwise you will remain in limbo Hell indefinitely.

 

~ If you loved someone unworthy how does focusing on their character flaws help you? The big mistake we make in this life is giving other people, not just the unworthy ones, the power to determine our value.

 

~ Facing reality is the only thing that is going to free me from the limbo that is my life. Hopes and dreams won't do that.

 

~ "No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out"

 

~ As much as i love him/her..they simply aren't a postive addition to my life - I can forgive him/her.. but forgetting what they did to my heart and soul is beyond "unconditional love" - its not possible for my own protection.

 

~ I know now that I stayed in that miserable place to keep the door open for 'round two'. I didn't make the same mistake the next time. By then, a couple of years later, I realized I was a stone cold junky for the trauma drama and the only way to recover was to work with MY WHYS and quit worrying about theirs.

 

 

 

~ You say you are torn between listening to your head or your heart? Well, your head is thinking for YOU, your heart is thinking for HIM/HER.. What about YOUR needs? When is what you need ever going to be a priority, even for yourself? Stop making yourself feel guilty because you are doing what you need to do for you.

 

~ He/She is just a human- nothing more, nothing less. Just a human being going through some ****- and so are you. They are no more important than you. Their needs are no more important than your own.

[Suny1]

Wow! I needed that too! Its been 2 weeks of NC for me. Finally no crying and feeling rather mad at myself for even letting myself get into a situation that could hurt so much just because it felt so good.

Looking back now.... there were signs I avoided to keep myself happy. I can see alot more clearly now and never thinking I could even be *blinded that way, I let it happen.

Its going to be a long hard road! Glad we have this support on here. Just keep reminding yourself of the bad things...everyday will get much easier.

[hollaxatholly]

Good luck I know it's not easy but in the end, it'll be so much better....

 

I'm hoping atleast....and I'll hope for you also!

[jj2007]

See!! This is a very good thread!! Good for you!!

It doesn't look like you have very many takers though!

 

Good luck! You are on the right path!

[Lyssa]

Good for you, Playbrat. I'm not too sure if any OW would want to take your challenge seeing that some are happy being the OW. There is a few who has left the A and doing fine on their own. If this challenge came before my MM divorced his W, I'm not too sure if I'd take up the challenge but I'm glad you decide to leave him and let him be. All the best!

[Gwyneth]

Sometimes the MM I'm in this affair with grates on my very last nerve--like today. Then I think, "is it worth it?" Despite all my beliefs and theories about this affair, the answer is, no, it isn't worth it. No man who aggravates me is worth it. Sometimes I just want to vanish from his life. I'm waiting for that day to happen--I don't know if I want that yet, but this OW challenge seems tempting

[nadiaj2727]

Congratulations on making a well-thought out decision, Playbrat, and best wishes!! You can do it with NC. I broke off my A a few weeks ago and am in NC except he still contacts me all the time about "work" -- which I usually have to respond to -- and about personal stuff, which I do not respond to. He is trying everything to make me talk to him, he told me that a girl at his climbing gym likes him and asked him out. I wanted to say "stop dating people when you're MARRIED you jerk" but I knew he just did it to get my attention.

 

He wanted me to yell at him over not speak to him. Well he can pine over the silence or go out with Ms. Climbing Gym... the only person I feel sorry for at this point is his W. It is very very hard not to talk to them when they try, and when you remember the feelings you had for them (especially if you're like me and you have to work with them/ be around them daily). But you are strong and you can do it, thanks for sharing, I think that's a great step for you to take and I am here to support you.

[xxscarredxx]

Thanx for typing this. It's good to know that i'm not the only one going thru this right now.

[EnigmaXOXO]

he told me that a girl at his climbing gym likes him and asked him out.

 

Dangling the ol’ jealousy bait in hope you’re actually dumb enough to fall for it, eh?

 

My G-d, what a toddler. I feel sorry for the poor woman married to this assclown, too. You are SO fortunate you had the wherewithal to remove yourself from this Jerry Springeresk episode before it landed you in therapy chewing handfuls of Valiums.

 

This guy is not right in the noggin’, Nadia. And I think you’ll start seeing even more evidence of this as he begins to unravel more and more ... from a safe distance on your part I hope!!

[White Flower]

Hi ladies,

 

How long has this thread been going? I just found it today, Sunday, Nov 18. I consider today to be our 1-year anniversary. That is when I knew I was in love. Today, I have decided to begin the end. I will always love him, but I won't miss the continuous rollercoaster ride and limbo. It'll hurt both of us, but I can't do it anymore. I want to be someone's Only Woman.

 

Playbrat, you've done some research and started something for us--thanks. I wish you all the best of luck and much strength.

 

Maybe one day we can all meet and have a champaigne toast!

[White Flower]

Thanx for typing this. It's good to know that i'm not the only one going thru this right now.

Too bad my cousin in Missouri recently got married-he's a good guy. But, his best friend in Texas is single...

[simplegirl]

I'm in Texas!

[White Flower]

I'm in Texas!

Now how do I hook you up and keep my anonymity?

 

Can you PM me?

[frannie]

I saw this on another site..but added in some of my own stuff...

Just some tips to help...

 

Fantastic thread, I'm definitely in

[Shades of Grey]

Fantastic thread, I'm definitely in

 

 

Frannie, have you had enough? x

[frannie]

Oh it's definitely at the point of no matter how much time and love he gives me, it's not enough. Not while he's still there, still straddling fences and this and that. A very odd feeling, but I always knew it would come, and it doesn't feel so bad, most of the time, though it is very sad.

[Shades of Grey]

I see. I'm sorry You give a lot of people on LS incredible insight and honesty from the perspective of your experience. I'm sorry that things have maybe not worked out as you would have hoped but you seem to be making a positive decison on your future path and for that i'm glad x

[frannie]

Thanks

 

I think the main thing is that everyone has to do what they need to do, when they're ready. It just got to the point where for one reason or another too many negative feelings were coming up, which made seeing him less than good.

 

Really, there are things about him which he admits need to be sorted out. He is taking steps to sort them... but in the meantime, it's pointless for us to see each other. Whichever way it goes, I know I'll be fine, and hopefully so will he. It could be that he'll sort himself out and have a good relationship with his W. Or perhaps he'll decide that leaving is for the best.

 

But my focus is on me now. I can't go on letting his problems define my life. If he wants to sacrifice himself for his ideals, then that's his choice... I'm not able to stand beside him while he does that any longer.

[PLAYBRAT]

Hi frannie.Sorry if I missed it on here...but how long has your A been going on?

 

I read part of one of your threads....

And read where someone was commenting on the "sexual" part

of your R...something along the lines..if you stopped having sex with

your MM the R wouldn't last.

 

Well I can attest that sex can have NOTHING to do with an A. I have NEVER had sex with my xMM....and it's almost 3 years. Pure EA. Have we talked about it?? SURE. Have we flirted with the idea...absolutely. He knows I would never cross that line with him while he is still M. So I don't think it's ALL about the sex. And maybe that's part of the whole attraction..the 'what if's"......the bottom line is...we ALL have control over what we do regardless of HOW strong our "feelings" are. I guess in MY situation it has been the one thing I CAN pride myself on.

[frannie]

Hello PLAYBRAT.

 

Our relationship has been going on for 3 and a half years. EA for the first year, PA for the rest of the time, til earlier this year, when we started to drift apart emotionally, and then sexually. He was still happy to try to 'make it work' and keep the relationship going, but for me, the time just came when I couldn't look at him or be close to him without feeling... no... I need more than this.

 

Perhaps too little too late he's now realised that he needs to get his issues sorted out, and is going to counselling. He's asked me to support him in that and I've said I will try as far as I can, but I can't promise anything. But then neither can he. For the time being we're still in touch by phone, but expectations..? I just don't know. But the affair is over, I just can't do it any longer.

[nadiaj2727]

This guy is not right in the noggin’, Nadia. And I think you’ll start seeing even more evidence of this as he begins to unravel more and more ... from a safe distance on your part I hope!!

 

I am seeing more evidence, and I don't think I'm at that safe a distance, considering that we work together.

[nadiaj2727]

Maybe one day we can all meet and have a champaigne toast!

 

That would be awesome, I'm in!!

[White Flower]

I know what you mean, frannie. I just can't do it anymore either. It's so hard to look at him knowing you have to say goodbye for the rest of the day, week, or whatever.

 

And I must admit that I am not joining you all because of the challenge; I am joining you because I am ready to join. It will kill me to say goodbye to him and so I need you all for support. Thank God I found you all at LS.

[PLAYBRAT]

Frannie? Can I ask..what made you decide ..at this point..that you cannot do this any longer? Was it an accumalation of things? Or just one thing that made you realize...this is NEVER going to change?