nellstar Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I'm curious to know from OW/OM... does your MM/MW still tell their wife/husband "i love you"? How do you feel about that? Do you belive that the love your MM/MW has for you is different than the love he/she has for you? How DO YOU FEEL when you're with your MM/MW and they are on the phone with their wife/husband (for whatever reason) and at the end of the phone call, you hear him/her say "i love you"?
TogetherForever Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 If my s/o ever said "I Love You" to someone else, he'd be out on his butt. And I can't imagine how someone would be ok with it. TF
sadbuttrue Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 i have never actually heard him tell her that he loves her, but he has told me that he loves her. when they are on the phone together in my presence, which rarely happens, he does not tell her he loves her. probably because she does not tell him, if she did, i am sure he would say it back to her to prevent suspicion if nothing else.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I'm curious to know from OW/OM... does your MM/MW still tell their wife/husband "i love you"? How do you feel about that? Do you belive that the love your MM/MW has for you is different than the love he/she has for you? How DO YOU FEEL when you're with your MM/MW and they are on the phone with their wife/husband (for whatever reason) and at the end of the phone call, you hear him/her say "i love you"? It would probably hurt even the most stoic of cheaters. But I bet it wouldn't hurt nearly as much as it would a W who overhears her H telling his OW that he loves her.
sadbuttrue Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 It would probably hurt even the most stoic of cheaters. But I bet it wouldn't hurt nearly as much as it would a W who overhears her H telling his OW that he loves her. you are right. i never forget that her pain (if she ever finds out about her H and I) would be so much greater than the pain i would suffer.
cj1988 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Sorry to say I believe that you cannot be IN LOVE with 2 poeple at the same time. Most cheaters are IN LOVE with the SO and not with the OW/OM. I believe you can love people in different ways, but being IN LOVE with someone is totally different.
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 A MM/MW LOVES their spouse, that's a long lasting love. Problem is, enter OW/OM into the picture, the new crushy feelings, emotional attachment, sexual lust that are felt can easily be confused as love. Love is an action, not just a feeling. The person may 'love' how the OP makes them feel, but you cannot base that on 'love' feelings, as it is purely self serving love. Neither OM/OW, MW/MM is actually thinking of the other person in the affair, they're each thinking of themselves and what they can get out of it.
cj1988 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Well out WHICHWAY. LUST can be very tricky and make you think you are in love, when you are not......happens everyday and then when you realize you were TRULY IN LOVE with your spouse, it is too late.
Mino Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Sorry to say I believe that you cannot be IN LOVE with 2 poeple at the same time. Most cheaters are IN LOVE with the SO and not with the OW/OM. I believe you can love people in different ways, but being IN LOVE with someone is totally different. I disagree that the mm is IN LOVE SO, if they were they would not look for it outside their M. I think they care about the SO, love them as a person, dont want to hurt them, but they are not IN LOVE. I love the father of my child, he will always havwe a special place in my heart. I am not in love with him, but after 20 years later, there still is a bit of love there.
Mino Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 A MM/MW LOVES their spouse, that's a long lasting love. Problem is, enter OW/OM into the picture, the new crushy feelings, emotional attachment, sexual lust that are felt can easily be confused as love. Love is an action, not just a feeling. The person may 'love' how the OP makes them feel, but you cannot base that on 'love' feelings, as it is purely self serving love. Neither OM/OW, MW/MM is actually thinking of the other person in the affair, they're each thinking of themselves and what they can get out of it. That may be true at the begining, but long term A, for us 3 years, I think that stage is long over, My mm tells me and show me he loves me everyday. He tells me he has not been in Love with BW for years, way before I came into the pics, says he never loved her they way he should,
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 My mm tells me and show me he loves me everyday. He tells me he has not been in Love with BW for years, way before I came into the pics, says he never loved her they way he should, Words are one thing, and yeah, maybe in some small ways he shows the love, but the 'real' action is, leaving his spouse. If he really was truly inlove with you then he would end his marriage, to BE with you. Problem is, he does still love his wife, sure it maybe isn't as intense feeling, but the love is definately there, otherwise he would have left already. And, once again the bottomline of it all, he has TWO women in his life, meeting ALL his selfish needs, so why the heck would he give one woman up, when he can have two? Think about it..
Author nellstar Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Thanks all for your responses. I feel that it will hurt the wife more to hear her husband tell another woman "i love you" but I don't think that happens too many times. It is after all called an affair so a husband wouldn't be too stupid to say it out loud in front of his wife, unless she overhears him. Even that, I think some MM who are involved with OW don't make calls from home when W if around, correct? I know it is possible to love 2 or 3 people at the same time. It's a different kind of love. I love my ex still when I was seeing someone else but it's a love two friends have for one another. We went through alot together and I still treasure our friendship. I am not in love with him anymore, that's for sure. I would love to receive some views from cheaters on how do they deal with having a wife/husband and also a side dish. How do you really differentiate your love for one and the other? I am not married so I'm curious to know from those who are married. My aunt has been with her H for a long time but she would tell my cousins and I how she still misses her ex and she thinks of him now and then but never had any affair or anything close to that.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 My mm tells me and show me he loves me everyday. He tells me he has not been in Love with BW for years, way before I came into the pics, says he never loved her they way he should,Yep. He's TELLING you that. But what's he SHOWING you? That for 3 years you've enabled him to stay with a woman he supposedly doesn't love while you're more than happy to bend over backward for him on the side? It's all good...for him. So do tell - how's he "showing" you he loves you? Seriously? Take away the lip service on the phone and computer and tell us how he's "showing" you every single day. I'm just curious how a married man does that when he's going home to someone else every day.
Lyssa Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I'm curious to know from OW/OM... does your MM/MW still tell their wife/husband "i love you"? How do you feel about that? Do you belive that the love your MM/MW has for you is different than the love he/she has for you? How DO YOU FEEL when you're with your MM/MW and they are on the phone with their wife/husband (for whatever reason) and at the end of the phone call, you hear him/her say "i love you"? When they were still together, I guess they said it to one another on occasions especially in front of other family members as they didn't want them to pick up on anything negative that was going on in their M. I think it's only natural for H&W to say it so I didn't think any of it. I believe it is different as he chose to leave his M which they both agreed on so he can pursue a happier life and so can she. Back then he was never on the phone with his xW when he was with me. Now they only keep in touch cause of the kids.
OWoman Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 My MM tells his kids he loves them, but not his W. (They're never together, anyway - when she's there, he's away, and when he's there, she's away.) But if he did, I wouldn't have an issue with it. I know he cares about her and wants to make sure she's OK, despite all the abuse he's suffered from her, and if telling her a white lie like saying he loved her made her less unstable, where would the problem be?
Gwyneth Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I asked the MM I'm in an affair with if he even loves his wife--his reply was, "I don't know, I mean I think I am. Yeah, I'm in love with her. I mean, I would be upset if I saw her with another man." He's cheating on her, so clearly, from my POV, he is not In Love with her, but may in deed Love her. I do not know if he says "I Love You." Some people just don't say those three words but can feel that way. My POV is, if you're cheating, then you aren't In Love. I just do not see how you can cheat and be in love wtih that person. Wow, that amazes me. That's why I do not understand Polygamy.
PoshPrincess Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Words are one thing, and yeah, maybe in some small ways he shows the love, but the 'real' action is, leaving his spouse. If he really was truly inlove with you then he would end his marriage, to BE with you. Oh WWIU, I ALWAYS respect your advice and opinions on here but, really, how many times are we going to hear this? We ALL know it is never that black and white, unless there aren't any kids involved, that is, in which case you'e probably right. I, like Mino, also love my exSO (and no, I'm not suffering from a broken heart or anything - I ended the R) but I am definitely not IN LOVE with him or neither do I find him in any way sexually attractive now. I love him like a brother, we have a child together, a shared history, just as many of these MMs have with their W. As for the MM loving the W, unless we actually do hear them say it then how are we going to know? I would say the majority of them wouldn't admit to that for fear of losing the OW, although personally I don't think they CAN love their W if they are cheating on them. Not saying they all love the OW though, either!
LoisLane Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 My future boyfriend or husband better not be telling any other woman that he loves her. I'd beat the s*** out of him!
Nixson Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I love my xW - she was and still is a great human being but I am not in love with her. Before we ended our M -- I did tell her now and then that I love her. I know the love we have for another is different to what it was in the beginning. It has changed over time. As for saying it when my GF was around -- that never happened but I didn't hide either the fact that I love my xW (W then) from my GF (OW then). As I stated above, it is different and as PoshPrincess said -- "we have a child together, a shared history, just as many of these MMs have with their W." -- that is all there is to it with both my xW and I.
reboot Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 What does that even mean? "I love her but I am not in love with her". People are so fond of saying that, but what the hell does it mean? It's an incredible contradiction, and there's no logic behind it at all. I've asked this before, and yet to have anyone give me an explanation. I'm waiting.....
Owl Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 There is some logic in it...my wife, while in the height of her emotional affair with OM, didn't quite phrase it that way, but another way that maybe makes a little more sense. She told OM in an IM session..."I can't do it, I can't be in love with two men at once. I'm slowly falling out of love with him (me), and in love with you." What it boils down to is that the more she emotionally invested in him, the more time she spent with him, the more she shared with him...the less she spent with me. And the less she LET herself get back from me. So she felt less love for me. But she was never willing to 'give me up'. She was insistent that we'd still be friends, etc...after she left me for him. I refused to buy into that line. I made it clear...if she left me for him, it was forever. I wasn't willing to be her fallback plan, I wasn't willing to accept whatever crumbs she threw to me. That was a huge part of why in the end she didn't go to him. You see, we had 16 years of awesome marriage before that as a base for her love between us. While OM was saying all the right things, and she was falling in love with him, she also couldn't stand to lose that 'base' that we'd built up. It ended up being more than she was willing to give up. Its the same way with nearly all MM/MW. That's why they want BOTH. They want to have the OW/OM to give them those wonderous "in love" feelings...AND they want the long term love that they've shared with their spouse over many years. That's why its the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech that we all hear. It really means, "I love you and all that we shared, and I don't want to lose that...but I ALSO want the new exciting feelings that the OP is giving me" Long term affairs DO begin to share the same 'baggage' as a marriage. That's what makes them so much harder to end. But in the end, the real difference that remains between a long term affair and a long term marriage is crucial. In the LTA, the MM/MW still doesn't "owe" anything to the affair partner. And there's still a whole lot of reality left out of that relationship. It isn't a 24x7 one, so there's much fewer chances to really start to get on each other's nerves. It doesn't share the financial strains of a marriage. It doesn't share all the emotional baggage of jointly raising any of the children that might result from it. So it still remains a "fantasy" to a large degree. Its still a 'haven' compared to the marriage that has all those issues to deal with. Make sense?
cj1988 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 LOVE is a choice NOT A FEELING people ! As my therapist said you can be IN LOVE with you son, daughter, friends.....all that means is that you care very much for them and their well being and have that "DEEP" emotion for them. ROMATIC LOVE is different, but still a form of being "IN LOVE"....so you see that is just a cope put for NOT being attracted to someone anymore or not having sexual feelings towards them.
reboot Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Make sense?Of course it does. That's the correct answer. But that isn't what these people MEAN when they say it. I didn't want to hear the answer of someone already enlightened, I wanted to hear one of these confused souls try to explain it. But good answer.
Owl Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 If you can find any of them that actually know and understand what they're feeling, I'll be amazed. That's why they are in the situation that they're in to begin with. The best answer you're likely to get will be "I don't know...that's just how I felt at the time.".
nadiaj2727 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 LOVE is a choice NOT A FEELING people ! As my therapist said you can be IN LOVE with you son, daughter, friends.....all that means is that you care very much for them and their well being and have that "DEEP" emotion for them. ROMATIC LOVE is different, but still a form of being "IN LOVE"....so you see that is just a cope put for NOT being attracted to someone anymore or not having sexual feelings towards them. Good post. And I agree with Owl and Reboot that if a lot of these people actually sat down and thought about their feelings/ actions and those of MM, they would realize that what they are really meaning is: "he loves her because they took vows together and built a life together, but he doesn't love her enough to honor those vows and that life when he is no longer attracted to her sexually and when things are no longer fresh and new. Therefore he 'loves' me because I am new and exciting and he is sexually attracted to me." I don't want that kind of love. It is based on feelings of excitement and sex, NOT lasting feelings of commitment and doing the right thing for each other's happiness. They can have that love but I hope they learn what real love is and find it. I'm not saying I've always known what it is because I was too caught up in my "feelings at the time" and when I really sat down and thought about it, I learned what you were saying CJ: Love is definitely an action, a choice, a decision, a SHOWING. "Infatuation" is a feeling, a selfishness of sorts, a SAYING. Who cares if they SAY they love you, they obviously only love themselves by what they're SHOWING with their actions: dragging you down while they hang on to their sinking ship. And they're not even HAPPY in the meantime (I haven't heard very many of these OW saying their MM is happy to be married and also having an affair with them... I know my xMM sure wasn't... that's the nature of the beast), so how can they make anyone -- W, OW, the kids, etc. happy??? I don't see how it can be any other way. If you LOVE someone, you respect them enough not to cheat on them. If you're cheating on them without taking action to get out of the M with them, you don't love them in any other way besides "my security", and you sure as heck don't "love" the person with whom you're cheating in any other way besides "my fun for the time being". I know that's as black and white as it gets and people will say I'm being judgmental. I guess they can see it another way and that's okay with me, but I simply can't see it any other way but that.
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