LittleFlower Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 HI I've been trawling around this forum for a few days now and I'm amazed at the amount of people going throught a similar thing to me, we always seem to think we are the only one. My husband left me in June, I found a text message on his phone to another woman, he promised nothing has happened between them, blah blah, same old story as a lot on here. he left that day, needing space, wanted to be on his own, not part of a couple. Then came back to say he wanted to go to counselling, we went twice together, he didn't want to go again, said he only did it to make me see how bad things were between us. This is the reason he said he left me, he wasn't leaving for another woman (who is also married), he said he's been unhappy for a year. That was news to me, we'd always had a good marriage, same sense of humour, no kids, similar tastes in a lot of things, we laughed a lot together, we cared about the same issues. I had no idea he was unhappy and planning to leave me eventually. He said he realises he should have said something, DOH! oh really !! ya think !!! I did the usual, begging pleading, crying, in a complete mess when he came to see me, lost weight, ended up on anti- depressants, a wreck basically. All I wanted was him to come back to me, I got the ' I love you but.....................' speech. He said he loved this other woman, not a physical relationship, crap, he'd been seeing her for 6 months before I found out. Now, 5 months later, I am calmer, probably due to the medication, and time of course. I keep NC, only break it when absolutely necessary, I let him contact me. I still want him to come back to me, I love him with all my heart, but I look at him differently now, he's a different person, can't put my finger on it. After 20 years together, I feel awkward in his presence. We were the most loving couple, who had so much in common, but we're like passing friends, awkward passing friends. How do I overcome this? I would like nothing more than the romantic reconciliation, but I know I'm kidding myself, we never mention our relationship at all, I'm scared to bring it up for fear of hearing what I don't want to hear. The very notion of divorce fills me with dread, I thought we'd be together forever. Christmas is coming, music playing in the shops, and I'm trying so hard to get into the spirit of it, but I'm pretending. I don't know how I will cope with being without him this time of year. Does anyone have any thoughts on this. I'm sorry I've been rambling a bit, if further information is needed I'll give it, I just thought I'd give basic details for now.
LostinBama Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I understand the situation and feelings. I have just entered phase one of this myself and other than there not being OM, it sounds similar. I would like nothing more than reconciliation, but not if this would happen again. And with the circumstances being what they are in my case, I cannot. I share the same pain and I hope that all of us find relief. All I have now for comfort is this computer and this board...
Author LittleFlower Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 I understand the situation and feelings. I have just entered phase one of this myself and other than there not being OM, it sounds similar. I would like nothing more than reconciliation, but not if this would happen again. And with the circumstances being what they are in my case, I cannot. I share the same pain and I hope that all of us find relief. All I have now for comfort is this computer and this board... There is some very good advice on this forum and similar stories that I can relate to, and this I get some strength from. Sometimes I wonder if I really want him back, for some strange reason tonight I cried on the way home in my car, not a safe thing to do while driving, and realised that I want him back with all my heart. I change from day to day with these feelings. Sometimes I get excited about the future, having my own place, meeting new people, and at other times I can't bear the sadness, it overwhelms me. My last counselling session was a couple of days ago, and she said that she could see such a difference in me, she couldn't put her finger on what was different. She meant a difference for the better of course, and that made me feel good. I wonder what happened to the funny, caring, loving and handsome boy I married, he's not there any more, so where did he go.
LostinBama Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 There is some very good advice on this forum and similar stories that I can relate to, and this I get some strength from. Sometimes I wonder if I really want him back, for some strange reason tonight I cried on the way home in my car, not a safe thing to do while driving, and realised that I want him back with all my heart. I change from day to day with these feelings. Sometimes I get excited about the future, having my own place, meeting new people, and at other times I can't bear the sadness, it overwhelms me. My last counselling session was a couple of days ago, and she said that she could see such a difference in me, she couldn't put her finger on what was different. She meant a difference for the better of course, and that made me feel good. I wonder what happened to the funny, caring, loving and handsome boy I married, he's not there any more, so where did he go. Yes, it is incredibly sad what goes on with people. People that you thought you knew. I have not even considered counseling (on my own) and I doubt that I will go that route unless something snaps. So far, I have forced myself to eat and am trying to get rest with the help of sleeping pills. I have read Gunny’s advice about Melatonin and will try that next. I have the utmost respect for everyone here as they truly seem to care about each other. Unfortunately, it looks like I will be joining the ranks.
abeliever Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Oh, it's not so bad in here. Welcome. Yes it is sad that the one person who is suppose to love, honor and cherish you finds a way to cherish someone else and you are left in the dark. But hey like you said, it happens. Let me say you can say anything on here and I promise you someone has thought it, did it, or experienced it! We are here for you. I feel both of your pain. The best advice that was given to me. Is be honest with your feelings. Don't think your feelings don't matter. Let your feelings be the 1st thing you worry about. Believe me SO will worry about themselves. So take care of you. It is a long hard road ahead. But make no mistake you can and WILL ge thru it. Hope this helps. abeliever
Author LittleFlower Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Is he still seeing the other woman? I think he is still seeing her, I'm not sure, he last mentioned her about 3 weeks ago and called it 'the situation with her', so I take it from that he is still seeing her. She is married, has children, although I don't know how old they are, I believe them to be at least teenage. My H says there is a further chapter to the relationship with her and that is the only defence he has for the relationship. I don't know what this chapter is or how there can be any defence for his behaviour. He still has a few things at the house, and I think that is his 'foot in the door' if you like. I pretend that I'm having such fun and make sure I always look good when I see him. I asked him what 'her' has that I don't, he says we are totally different people. Funny how this type of person, meaning me, was fine for him to love and care and laugh with all these 20 years, is suddenly traded in for someone totally different, and now I'm not good enough. I've told him I wont leave the house for at least a year, so now he struggles financially, as do I, but his choice. I pay for his affair emotionally and financially. Sorry for ranting
Author LittleFlower Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Yes, it is incredibly sad what goes on with people. People that you thought you knew. I have not even considered counseling (on my own) and I doubt that I will go that route unless something snaps. So far, I have forced myself to eat and am trying to get rest with the help of sleeping pills. I have read Gunny’s advice about Melatonin and will try that next. I have the utmost respect for everyone here as they truly seem to care about each other. Unfortunately, it looks like I will be joining the ranks. I went to around 8 sessions on my own to counselling, found it easy to talk to someone who wasn't involved and didnt know me, maybe you should give it a try before something snaps. I know about the forcing yourself to eat, I could hardly even swallow food in the beginning. Keep yourself healthy, be strong.
american-woman Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Some people describe their WS like aliens. Do not let him fence sit. Has the affair been exposed to everyone? This is a sure way to stop them in their tracks. If you still want your marriage let him know you do and you will NOT tolerate someone else in your marriage. Read all you can on affairs there are some good books out there. Make yourself and your home a nice place to come to. And hon don`t forget its not because of you he had the affair its him. Keep yourself healthy, exercise.
Author LittleFlower Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Some people describe their WS like aliens. . WS?, sorry I'm not too up on abbreviated speak, I get some of them , still learning I'm afraid
Author LittleFlower Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Some people describe their WS like aliens. Do not let him fence sit. Has the affair been exposed to everyone? This is a sure way to stop them in their tracks. If you still want your marriage let him know you do and you will NOT tolerate someone else in your marriage. Read all you can on affairs there are some good books out there. Make yourself and your home a nice place to come to. And hon don`t forget its not because of you he had the affair its him. Keep yourself healthy, exercise. At first when I found out about the affair I told him i didn't want anyone to know, as I felt humiliated. I didn't realise it at the time but this absolutely suited him down to the ground, let everyone think he was just not happy and no-one else was involved. He agreed eventually, with much persuasion, that he would go to counselling, and I made him promise that the affair was over before we could move forward. He agreed to this and said that he had finished with her. I was still quite suspicious that he was still seeing her, called his bluff and found out he was. That's when I got mad and decided that everyone would know that he'd had an affair, this scared him I think, and made quite a few people see him in a different light. He rarely comes to see friends, people can be very forgiving when they don't see that person very often, but I think they are a bit guarded with him, and protect me, I love my friends and family for their super-human support in all of this, could not have done this on my own. I think he misses the social side of our friends and in particular my family, whom he was very fond of. I still have them, he doesn't.
Author LittleFlower Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 WS?, sorry I'm not too up on abbreviated speak, I get some of them , still learning I'm afraid Just found out what WS means, sorry I'm a bit slow. Describing him as an alien is something I've said many times to various people. It's as if aliens have taken away my real husband and replaced him with one of their own. Looks like my husband, definitely not the real him though.
american-woman Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Thats why it best to always have the WS(wayward spouse) write a NC(no contact) letter to the OP(other person) . and of course BS(better spouse read it also before it is sent. Also if both parties work together its best the WS quits his or hers place of employment.(NC) The affair will not stop if both parties still see each other.
american-woman Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Just found out what WS means, sorry I'm a bit slow. Describing him as an alien is something I've said many times to various people. It's as if aliens have taken away my real husband and replaced him with one of their own. Looks like my husband, definitely not the real him though. Thats why its called the WS Fog. I thought my WH was doing drugs. I did`nt know what was going on. he was drinking heavly. I`d come home from work he would be sitting iin the dark with music on depressed. He was always angry with me calling me names. He was working out more ,not coming home straight from work, the kids would call me at work and said dad left the house. I had a gut feeling he was seeing someone but could not prove it. The signs were all there. The affair is like beig addicted to crack, they will do or say anything to get their next fix.
Author LittleFlower Posted November 16, 2007 Author Posted November 16, 2007 Thats why it best to always have the WS(wayward spouse) write a NC(no contact) letter to the OP(other person) . and of course BS(better spouse read it also before it is sent. Also if both parties work together its best the WS quits his or hers place of employment.(NC) The affair will not stop if both parties still see each other. Hi My husband lives in his own apartment 25 miles away from me, I rarely see or hear from him. He says she doesn't work with him, she did last year but left, not so sure about that. I don't have a lot of contact and don't like to ask him anything about us, in case I hear something I don't want to hear, that he's never coming back for definite or that he's moving in with her. He's already told me he's not coming back, that was a couple of months back, and I haven't asked him if that has changed. I just want him to come home and for us to work this out. I know it's impossible if we don't actually speak to each other about us, for us to have any future, but if I ask him, I'm afraid his reply will set me back months, when I am now just starting to recover a little bit, but I'm sure most of that is the anti-depressants i'm on. I feel I'm playing a waiting game, one that has no winner. Are you apart from your husband now, or did you manage to work things out. Thanks for your comments.
american-woman Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 have you and your hubby spoke of divorce?
american-woman Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Have you and your hubby discussed divorce? My hubby and I are in recovery, He is working very hard and doing very well and I must say this is the man I married and beyond that. But it is very hard for me as I still have so many triggers.
Author LittleFlower Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 We have mentioned divorce, but not at any great length, he says it will be inevitable, sounds like he's given up, that was about 2 months after we split and I found out he was still seeing the other woman. I'm just really trying to keep myself busy, not heard from him in a week, I keep NC, so does he apparently. I find it all very overwhelming some days. As I said before I'm afriad to ask him anything in case I don't like the answer, so I say nothing about us or his relationship with her when he comes round. I know it sounds like I'm burying my head in the sand. I just keep hoping he will come to his senses and want to give us another try. I don't know how to get him to do this other than leaving him alone and letting him decide whether or not he would want us to try again. He seems to be besotted with this other woman, so I can only imagine thatthe chances of him wanting to come back to me are about nil. He had said that he wanted to leave and was going to, this was before I found out and the situation was forced upon him. I've done all the crying and begging and can't do it any more, so for now all I can do is wait and hope.
american-woman Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Littleflower Im sorry as long as your husband is out of the house and seeing the other woman there really is no chance of fixing your marriage.. Please Littleflower DO NOT beg your husband you are coming across as needy to him and he knows you still will be there for him, you need to go dark be pleasant when you speak with him but do not let him know things that you are doing.
redblack66 Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Have you and your hubby discussed divorce? My hubby and I are in recovery, He is working very hard and doing very well and I must say this is the man I married and beyond that. But it is very hard for me as I still have so many triggers. What is he doing so he is going back to what he was? I am getting back to the man she married, but she does not want to see it and thinks this is hypocritical. There is OM involved, so she unlikely to see. My thread is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133240/
american-woman Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 First your wife needs to stop all contact with the OM. As long as there is contact with him your marrige has no chance. What is my husband doing now? He is doing everything to prove he loves me and only me. He lets me know everywhere he is going. Calls me when he is on his way hoome from work, when he is at a store ect. He is more thoughtful to my needs. We talk more about our feelings instead of yelling at each other. He does more things around the house such as dishes. We spend more time together. We did live like strangers for years in our home me on the couch him in our bedroom. Dont get me wrong this takes alot of work I still have many triggers but I let him know Im having a bad day and he is more understanding. Your wife is there at home for a reason if she REALLY wanted to leave she would.
Author LittleFlower Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Littleflower how are you doing? I posted a reply to this but it seems to have disappeared into cyberspace, here goes again. I've been very down. I stayed a t family last night and he agreed to come stay at the house to look after pets and the house, so I didn't need to ask friedns again. He wasn't her when I came back today, I was kinda glad about that as it really hurts to see him. I have been NC wih him for 2 weeks, he has done the same, he contacted me yesterday to say he'd be down this way, that's when I said I wouldn't be here, and didn't tell him where I was going. I'm wondering if NC is not working and should I go LC, any thoughts anyone. I knwo he is not exactly happy, as things aren't as wonderful as he thought they'd be, mainly due to lack of money as he has to also pay for an apartment. I just keep wanting him to come back, I look so much better and people have commented, but he never does, suppose he doesn't want to compliment for me for fear I would think he was giving me false hope. I just dont know what else to do, not easy to move on after 20 years of marriage. Thanks for your replies
american-woman Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Have you told him you want your marriage? Email me if you would like
Author LittleFlower Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Have you told him you want your marriage? Email me if you would like Hi I haven't talked to him about us and our relationship for a long time, for fear of not getting the anwers I want. I know it is burying my head in the sand, and I fear the answer will be that he wants a divorce, and I can't handle that right now, so I live in ignorance for fear that he'll hurt me more by making the separation permanent. I know that this all sounds so stupid and I should ask what his intentions are, but I just can't do it, I'm scared.
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