Husband and MY weight.

[Madalice]

To dovetail on the post regarding "wife's weight"...

 

I am 29 and over six feet tall. I weigh 162 pounds. I wear a size 8. My husband of THREE MONTHS devasted me recently with a discussion of my weight. In a conversation that began "you don't seem to be going to the gym as much lately", it was revealed to me that the husband saw weight gain in my face and belly. He suggested that the reason I don't like the way I look in pictures is because I too am unhappy with my body. He commented on the fact that i don't wear shirts halter tops and low rider jeans- he suggested it was because of my own feelings about my weight.

i never wore that stuff.

I DID work out more when we first met.

I do not notice a drastic change in my body.

I did gain weight (maybe ten pounds), but i have been working to take it off (I think I have pretty much succeeded).

My husband is very attractive and thin framed.

Even though i beleive he is skinny, he still comments on taking off weight.

He does not excercise and is able to eat whatever he wants.

People ask me if I am a model. I am not fat, but I am not skinny, nor have I ever been either.

 

I beleive that my husband (Of THREE MONTHS) does not find me attractive. I believe that he prefers SKINNY.

 

I wish my husband loved my body. I am confused/neurotic now about changing my body for my husband.

Comments? Please?

[sb129]

I am really sorry to hear this. You guys should still be in the honeymoon phase! How long were you and H together before you got married?

 

How was the wedding? Did your H think you looked amazing? Did you have any inkling that he felt this way before? what about when he proposed?

 

A few women I know have dieted like crazy to get into their wedding dress, then gained alot of weight in the first year of marriage because they were content, and happy.

 

I can't believe your husband is being so tactless during this time, less than six months after you got married. Does he have any idea how shallow he sounds?

Have you told him that you ARE happy with your body?

 

I am really sorry, i don't have any great advice, i am just sympathetic for you.

[dbtmarley]

162lbs at 6 feet tall sounds perfect in my opinion. I always follow the Howard Stern rule. At 5 ft you should be about 100lbs. , add 5 lbs for every inch. So at 160 you sound absolutely perfect!

 

 

But this is not the issue...

 

 

And your husband (of only 3 months) better realize this soon.

 

 

How dare he (your husband of 3 months) shatter your self esteem so... What if you get pregnant, can you imagine what he would be saying?

 

Sb is right, you two should be in your honey moon phase. I wonder if this is his way of gaining control in a relationship... Don't let this go. The two of you need to have a serious pow wow about your feelings on this matter.

[sb129]

I'd just like to add that my friends who gained weight after marriage got no grief from their husbands.

 

To my knowledge, most of my friends who have had babies have had no grief from their Hs about shifting baby weight either.

 

 

I agree with dbtm- did you guys talk about having kids and that before you got married?

 

he has a rude awakening if he expects you to get back into your pre-pregnancy jeans the day you walk out of the hospital (sorry getting ahead of myself here, but...)

[Star Gazer]

I'd just like to add that my friends who gained weight after marriage got no grief from their husbands.

 

To my knowledge, most of my friends who have had babies have had no grief from their Hs about shifting baby weight either.

 

Even those who aren't married or have babies don't get grief regarding their weight when they're in a happy, stable, loving relationship!!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Madalice. Even assuming you were overweight (which you're NOT!), the way he's going about this is all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

My most miserable relationship was also my longest, most serious relationship...and the worst memories I have are those surrounding his comments about my weight. We started dating in college when I was somewhere between a 0 and a 2. Back then, friends actually suggested to me that I had an eating disorder. (I'm 5'4''.) Anyway, apparently my then-BF loved it, because by the time I got half-way through my first year of lawschool (2.5 years later) and "ballooned" (his words, not mine) to a size 4 or 6, he said that I wasn't the same person (as in, physically) that he originally fell in love with. I began running like crazy and almost starving myself to win back his love. I did, temporarily...until it was something else he found "wrong" with me. His body was far from perfect too, I might add.

 

Now, with my current BF... he has the body of a god. Seriously. He works out two hours or more a day, and eats very healthily (but not crazy). You'd think his amazing body would make me insecure, but in all honesty, his attitude towards his body and mine has made me all the more secure. I am now a size 8, all due to sitting-at-my-desk-all-day pudge. I have started working out religiously once again, and have even found myself eating better... but NOT at his suggestion, and NOT for him, but for me. I want his abs! He's certainly been a positive influence, but this guy who's rock-hard abs I drool over never comments or makes me feel uncomfortable about my chub-chub, and we're not even supposed to be in love yet like you are, Madalice!

 

I'm lost for words, I don't really have any advice... I just feel for you, a lot.

[luvmy2ns]

162lbs at 6 feet tall sounds perfect in my opinion. I always follow the Howard Stern rule. At 5 ft you should be about 100lbs. , add 5 lbs for every inch. So at 160 you sound absolutely perfect!

 

There are many different body types, though. I'm predominantly an "athletic" body type, meaning I tend to put muscle on quite easily when I lift weights. Therefore, at just under 5'5", when I'm 130 lbs and working out, I'm in size 4's which, for me, is quite small. I have this J Lo booty and good shoulders, but a small waist. However, a woman who isn't working out and, therefore, has no muscle will be visibly larger at the same height and weight.

 

At your height and clothing size, OP, I think your man is being ridiculous, and you'll probably never be good enough in his eyes.

[dbtmarley]

There are many different body types, though. I'm predominantly an "athletic" body type, meaning I tend to put muscle on quite easily when I lift weights. Therefore, at just under 5'5", when I'm 130 lbs and working out, I'm in size 4's which, for me, is quite small. I have this J Lo booty and good shoulders, but a small waist. However, a woman who isn't working out and, therefore, has no muscle will be visibly larger at the same height and weight.

 

At your height and clothing size, OP, I think your man is being ridiculous, and you'll probably never be good enough in his eyes.

 

Your absolutely right and I was being a little comical with the Howard Stern theories. My wife is 5' 5" and weighs 175 all in her butt and thighs.... GOD I LOVE IT!!! Call me kinky freaky or what ever but I find myself even attracted to the stretch marks left from the pregnancy.... She says she wants to lose a few pounds, but ****.... I am not so sure I want her to lose this luscious scrumptious....

 

Sorry OP.. I get derailed sometimes. You really do need to talk to your husband. Making you feel the way you do is not a part of a healthy marriage... no matter how short it is.

[bish]

To dovetail on the post regarding "wife's weight"...

 

I am 29 and over six feet tall. I weigh 162 pounds. I wear a size 8. My husband of THREE MONTHS devasted me recently with a discussion of my weight. In a conversation that began "you don't seem to be going to the gym as much lately", it was revealed to me that the husband saw weight gain in my face and belly. He suggested that the reason I don't like the way I look in pictures is because I too am unhappy with my body. He commented on the fact that i don't wear shirts halter tops and low rider jeans- he suggested it was because of my own feelings about my weight.

i never wore that stuff.

I DID work out more when we first met.

I do not notice a drastic change in my body.

I did gain weight (maybe ten pounds), but i have been working to take it off (I think I have pretty much succeeded).

My husband is very attractive and thin framed.

Even though i beleive he is skinny, he still comments on taking off weight.

He does not excercise and is able to eat whatever he wants.

People ask me if I am a model. I am not fat, but I am not skinny, nor have I ever been either.

 

I beleive that my husband (Of THREE MONTHS) does not find me attractive. I believe that he prefers SKINNY.

 

I wish my husband loved my body. I am confused/neurotic now about changing my body for my husband.

Comments? Please?

 

He should remember this conversation when he starts losing his hair.

[whichwayisup]

People ask me if I am a model. I am not fat, but I am not skinny, nor have I ever been either.

 

I bet your body type is voluptuous and curved in the right places. WTF is wrong with your husband.

He should remember this conversation when he starts losing his hair.

 

That and when his neck starts to chunken up around the collar line, saggy neck under the chin. Or even a beer gut..

[Try2BeSupportive]

Madalice,

Here is my perspective on things - I hope this is helpful to you, because hearing some of your perspective has been helpful to me.

 

It sounds like your husband has offended you with his insensitive dialog. He is wrong for being cruel to you, and you deserve an apology. By cruel I mean that his choice of words and method of communicating sounds like he hurt you and that is just not right.

 

I would not call him cruel simply for pointing out that you are not going to the gym as much lately. Because you acknowledged this fact and hopefully your are not so sensitive as to be offended by a true statement like that. Some of his comments that followed is when things turn cruel in my view.

 

 

I would like to ask a few questions (and please do not take offense), my intent is to give you a sense of how he may be thinking-

 

How long did you date him before marriage?

Based on your experience with him, would you say that he is committed to a lifetime of physical activity for himself?

Were you pretty active physically during your time together?

Was your weight pretty constant during that time?

Did you often do physical activities together with him?

Would your husband have believed that a lifestyle of physical activity and fitness is important to you?

Why did you chose to sharply reduce your exercise?

Did you expect he would not notice your changed exercise behavior (or only that he would not say anything)?

What could he say to you on the subject of your exercise reduction that you would not be offended?

Did you expect he would not notice your weight gain (or only that he would not say anything)?

What could he say to you on the subject of your weight gain that you would not be offended?

[taiko]

I'll play the devil's advocate. Before you got married, thus his fiscal responsibility even if the marriage should fail he heard half jokes from his friends.

 

The joke, now that you have gotten the ring and the power of the state to take his money you have lost the incentive to look like you did when you attracted him.

 

Knowing that you have a signed contract and he is locked in that you would now "butch" up. Stop wearing the sexy clothes, cut your hair short, allow the facial hair to grow and in this specific case stop working out and allow your body to grow.

 

After hearng all this in the run up to the wedding three months into the marriage the weight is already going on. He might half to expect the the hair above your lip soon.

[Try2BeSupportive]

He should remember this conversation when he starts losing his hair.

 

If you do discuss his hair loss, keep in mind that there is nothing anyone can do to grow new hair. So if you find him unsexy with thinning hair, you should investigate the options and costs for hair transplants (or other such technology) and discuss those with him.

 

In contrast, weight gain is entirely within a person's control. Now you can argue about the level of effort that might be needed, but I do not see how you can argue with basic mathematics: calories eaten - calories burned = weight gained.

 

Just pointing out that hair loss (completely outside a person's control) is very different from weight gain (completely within a person's control).

[Racquel Colette]

I'll play the devil's advocate. Before you got married, thus his fiscal responsibility even if the marriage should fail he heard half jokes from his friends.

 

The joke, now that you have gotten the ring and the power of the state to take his money you have lost the incentive to look like you did when you attracted him.

 

Knowing that you have a signed contract and he is locked in that you would now "butch" up. Stop wearing the sexy clothes, cut your hair short, allow the facial hair to grow and in this specific case stop working out and allow your body to grow.

 

After hearng all this in the run up to the wedding three months into the marriage the weight is already going on. He might half to expect the the hair above your lip soon.

 

She is a size 8. That is thin. I am a size 6 and the other day one of my middle school students asked why I don't sit on a bench when I teach like other teachers. I stated: "Well, I like to stay on my toes and active so I get a little exercise in." Their response 'You are a stick!' You don't need to worry about it!' A couple boys even thought I was too thin. Girls AND boys were astonished that I would think of my figure at all or worry about it.

If only the men of today could see women as the youth of today.

[Madalice]

I am so thankfull for all of the comments!

TTBS:

 

 

Ok, here's the situation. We dated for less than three months before we got engaged. We waited one year to be married.

Why/how did I gain weight?

When i lived by myself, I could come home from work and do an excercise tape or go to the gym and stay as long as I liked. I cooked and shopped for myself and didn't buy junk that might tempt me. I could work out, leave my dirty gym clothes on all day, then do more excercising later if I cared to. I could spend less time getting "dressed and ready" and more time working out.

If I cared to, I could live life as an asthete. With a husband, it is not uncommon for us to have drinks at home- lots of wine and with friends. If I was cooking for myseld, it would be light meals, or snacks that I would eat all day. With a husband, (mine anyway) it is meals that he finds satisying- things with cheese, lots of starches, and until recently, meat.

Bymyself, it was bike rides and walking. My husband is not active at all, and apparently he doesn't have to be. I used to ask him to work out with me... Nope. I would prefer to walk to the store but, no, he thinks thats nuts so we drive when we go places together.

Also, I started taking birth control.

I ate poorly becaue of stress, some related to the relationship. I was also working alot and strange hours so it was also hard to get to the gym when it wa open.

The FK'd thing is that I was working out up to the wedding and honeymoon-

I even hired a personal trainer for two days a week. But yes, a week or two prior to the wedding and during the honeymoon and a week or so after I had not worked out very much. So, in the year I probably gained (and then lost ten pounds).

Here are some more FK'd things.

When we first started dating/got engaged, he said to me and other people "If you gain you go". We laughed about this, and he said it goes both ways. I laughed, and said "if you lose (your hair) you cruise!".

In the context of the weight discussion, he said it wasn't really a joke. "I should know how importnat physical fitness is to him".

He stresses that it was only one of many reasons, but the previous woman he was with "let herself go" and put on about 20 pounds.

[Madalice]

I wanted to say, "yea, I'm into being in good shape and being active, it's just been a hectic couple of weeks"...But because it HURT SO MUCH that he would be bothered by this stuff I was very defensive.

I have releuctantly resigned myself to the fact that I have to "get into better shape". I have never been perfectly hard or had a six pack, but I think that this is what is required of me. Wear half-tops and low-riders. This depresses me. I get that men and visual and it's not fair to marry someone and then change... But this feels wierd.

I've been pretty much doing something (GYM< yoga, jog, weights) every day since. I weigh about 2 to three pounds aobve what I was when we got engaged. I have heard comments from other people that it appears I have lost weight (a lady in the locker room told me her and her husband were admiring my toned back muscles!) but not my husband. I still have a "soggy" belly and ass.

He is slim. You can see the outline of his abdominals. He makes comments about himself losing weight too.

[sb129]

I think its very hypocritical that he expects you to work out but won't work out himself. If he "doesn't need to" that doesn't mean he will automatically stay the same size without effort for the rest of his life.

 

My bF is one of those annoying people who retains a six pack without any effort and can eat whatever he wants, but he is really supportive of me when I want to lose a few pounds, and he will cook healthy meals and go to the gym with me. He will also eat the healthy meals I cook, he has never once turned his nose up at or demanded anything from my cooking.

 

Lifestyle change due to to marriage (such as more socialising/ eating bigger meals etc) is really common and alot of people put on weight!

That and the fact that you are taking birth control means its not surprising that you have put on a couple of pounds.

 

I think you should outline the reasons why your weight has changed to your H just they way you did a few posts ago.

Then tell him that you are going to make an effort, (only if you want to mind!) and would like more support from him, especially when it comes to mealtimes and grocery shopping.

 

You may not be able to get him to go to the gym with you, but if he doesn't work out, he won't stay the same size forever!

[sb129]

I also think you should tell him how much he has hurt you, because if he doesn't know, he might do it again. He needs to know the boundaries of what is acceptable to you when he is making comments about you.

[bish]

If you do discuss his hair loss, keep in mind that there is nothing anyone can do to grow new hair. So if you find him unsexy with thinning hair, you should investigate the options and costs for hair transplants (or other such technology) and discuss those with him.

 

In contrast, weight gain is entirely within a person's control. Now you can argue about the level of effort that might be needed, but I do not see how you can argue with basic mathematics: calories eaten - calories burned = weight gained.

 

Just pointing out that hair loss (completely outside a person's control) is very different from weight gain (completely within a person's control).

 

doesn't matter whether its in his control or not...its all about attractiveness as you aptly pointed out in your thread about your wife's looks.

[luvmy2ns]

doesn't matter whether its in his control or not...its all about attractiveness as you aptly pointed out in your thread about your wife's looks.

 

I love how you read into a post whatever it is that you want so you can bash the poster. You're doing that on both of the weight related threads that T2BS is participating in. Why don't you try to really truly read the posts and answer them in their entirety instead of only the parts that allow you to flame him, or even things you make up that he never said?

[Racquel Colette]

Bish is not flaming, just giving his opinion. You are actually flaming, Luv, because anyone who happens to have a differing viewpoint you bash.

[bish]

I love how you read into a post whatever it is that you want so you can bash the poster. You're doing that on both of the weight related threads that T2BS is participating in. Why don't you try to really truly read the posts and answer them in their entirety instead of only the parts that allow you to flame him, or even things you make up that he never said?

 

He never said those things eh? He said in his post about his wife and I quote:

 

"Which brings me right back where I started: reduced attraction to a wife who used to be quite thin and active but now seems content with an typical american (overweight) body."

 

As I said, it was about attractiveness...as he CLEARLY stated as evidenced in the quote. He isn't attracted to her because she is not thin. He said it himself.

 

Don't ever say I made up anything again without knowing what you are talking about.

[luvmy2ns]

Bish is not flaming, just giving his opinion. You are actually flaming, Luv, because anyone who happens to have a differing viewpoint you bash.

 

I just suspect you're overweight, which is why you bash people so hard on this issue.

 

Bish is alway setting out to piss people off, and everyone on LS knows that but you.

[luvmy2ns]

He never said those things eh? He said in his post about his wife and I quote:

 

"Which brings me right back where I started: reduced attraction to a wife who used to be quite thin and active but now seems content with an typical american (overweight) body."

 

As I said, it was about attractiveness...as he CLEARLY stated as evidenced in the quote. He isn't attracted to her because she is not thin. He said it himself.

 

Don't ever say I made up anything again without knowing what you are talking about.

 

Thinness has NOTHING to do with stretch marks and saggy boobs from having a baby. Unbelieveable how obtuse some can be.

[bish]

Thinness has NOTHING to do with stretch marks and saggy boobs from having a baby. Unbelieveable how obtuse some can be.

 

Learn to read. My point was that most would find that highly unattractive which was the whole premise of whatshisdiddles post. He wasn't attracted to his wife any longer because she wasn't thin.

 

It was a comment on attractiveness and my point was some aren't that superficial.

 

I know thinness has nothing to do with stretch marks and saggy boobs....geez.

[luvmy2ns]

What he finds MOST unattractive (and I did too in a former FWB) was her lack of caring how she looks which led to the weight gain. If you care, it'll show; not in stretch marks or the "perkiness" of your boobs, which is not something a woman can do anything about, but in your lifestyle as well as your weight. She's going to get bigger and bigger if she doesn't change her ways. I'll bet you would NEVER invite a 200 lb woman out on a date. Not attracted? How shallow of you.