Do you need to be with a "soulmate" to be happy in a relationship?

[shadowplay]

I've never been a big believer in the concept of a soulmate because it implies the existence of only one for each person. Instead I think there are many soulmates for each person scattered throughtout the world. I define a soulmate as somebody who you have a deep intellectual and emotional connection with. You think in the same ways, respond to the same things -- aesthetic, intellectual and emotional.

 

I'm wondering how important it is to be with somebody you could classify as a soulmate to have a lasting, loving relationship. For example, my current bf and I have a lot in common but I don't feel that we're soulmates. He's extremely intelligent and funny, but he's not very reflective and doesn't have much depth. He's not the kind of person I can have long, deep conversations with into the night. We bond on a more basic, primitive level. Our love is pretty simple and direct, and it's certainly not lacking intensity or passion. In fact I've never felt a fraction of the love for another guy that I have for him.

 

I'm ambivalent about his lack of depth. Part of me wishes I could connect with him on a deeper intellectual level and that he was reflective like I am, but another part of me wonders how important such depth really is in a mate. I was in a long term relationship with a guy who I felt was sort of a soulmate, but I had very little attraction to him. I almost wonder if the fact that we were so similar was part of the problem. I understood him completely; nothing about him was a mystery to me. He was like an open book. Somebody who doesn't think in the way that I do is more opaque and intriguing.

 

What do you guys think?

[Tony T]

Frankly, I think you're with the wrong guy...you're settling. While I'm not really sure of exactly what it would be like to be with a soulmate, I don't think you can be happy with someone you can't connect with on a deep spiritual level. Oh, yes, some can because they aren't really deep themselves. But I think, over a long period of time, you would be extremely lonely and unsatisfied with a relationship with someone whose soul you could not touch deeply and whose intellect was not able to comprehend your need for this type of connection.

 

Take some time to find the RIGHT person for yourself. I'm not sure if he would be a soulmate but he surely could satisfy that long term need you have to connect with someone on a level that would be far more meaningful to you than you have now. A lifetime is a longtime. Superficial is just for the night!

[Ocean-Blue]

Chemistry IS important. I'm sure you appreciate passion because you know what it's like NOT to feel that for someone.

 

BUT, conversation is important too.

 

When you're old and gray, it's all you'll have left.

[Capricciosa]

I too believe that there are many soulmates--I consider some of my best friends my soulmates and I'm happy to have them in my life. Though I do want that deep connection with my partner as well, because ultimately I want a best friend, but if you love this guy, go with it and see how it develops. Be yourself, talk about the deep things that interest you, and who knows, it may awaken something in him. In the meanwhile, count on your friends for the deeper stuff, and appreciate your boyfriend for what he is, what he offers, that the other people do and cannot.

[Lovegod]

I don't believe in "soulmates". I believe in the "ideal mate".

[Dante42]

Interesting question. Depends how you define "happy" I have loved many women and had many happy times but only ever loved one I would consider a soulmate. So for myself I would say yes I can be happy in a relationship even if I don't consider her a soulmate however I don't a see a relationship with a non soulmate candidate to be one to last a lifetime.

 

Not sure what I believe any more about soulmates and forever. I'm sure many here have read "Bridge across forever" by Richard Bach. It saddened me greatly when he divorced her in 1999.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't believe in soulmates...at all... Pardon the directness but I think it's romantic drivel.

 

I do believe in levels of compatibility. I also agree that you're settling with the current guy.

 

I've only had one relationship where the two of us met on every important level and almost every other level. It was quite inspiring. We completed each other's sentences. We were the love of each other's lives.

 

We got married, he cheated, then we got divorced. Why this makes me laugh, lord only knows.

[quankanne]

what sort of depth are you looking for in your mate? Intellectual? Spiritual? Because you can have a perfectly fulfilling relationship with him because of the depth of love and a willingness to give the relationship what it needs to work even though your mate might not be as strong in certain areas as you'd ideally like.

 

like you, I hesitate to use the term "soul mate" when describing a loverly relationship (as with my husband), because as close as we are and as much as we love each other, our marriage is a work in progress. Whereas the relationships with my two closest friends (one a guy, one a girl) can be typified as soul mate quality because we "get" each other on many, many different levels. And the love there isn't blinded by physicality, you know?

[JamesM]

What is your definition of soul mate? Having been married to my wife for almost 18 years, I can say that soul mates are real yet not real. There is so much that I love about her, but she is not perfect. And as you said, there is no one that fits me as well as she does. Yet we have our problems.

 

When I hear the word soul mate, too often peopel seem to think that means "and they lived happily ever after." This will never be true. Marriage requires work, and our lives change as we get older and have different experiences. My wife IS my best friend, and I can confide in her many of my fears...which I cannot do with others. If I think in the term soul mate, then I am inclined to think that since she is not perfect, then someone out there IS perfect. And yet when I think of that someone else, then I know that I would miss my wife tremendously. And when I meet that fairy tale princess, I am afraid that the grass will not be greener in her yard. She may have other strengths that my wife does not have, but she may be lacking in areas that I now take for granted.

 

What it comes down to IMO is that I love and want to be committed to my wife for who she is, what she has been, and what she will become. While I would love to see certain areas changed, I know that this may change the strengths that she already has.

 

I don't believe that we have one person who is our soul mate for a number of reasons. But it is not logical. If I marry my wife as I did, and something happens to her, then is it possible for me to marry someone else and be happy? Yes, I believe so. If she was my only soul mate, then how is it possible for me to ever be happy?

 

And what about all of the divorces? If each of these people have soul mates that they have never met, then does their soul mate also experience a divorce or never marry? Is our high divorce rate simply because soul mates no longer know how to find each other?

 

Another thought...if there is just one soul mate for me, then how do I know that this individual is still alive? When someone dies, does their supposed soul mate still keep living? Or was there never a soul mate born for that person? The questions become endless and challenging...and fun.

 

As for you and your boyfriend, I don't see that you are necessarily settling. You simply have doubts because this guy is not perfect yet as you said, you love him more than anyone else. The question becomes..is he right for you (not necessarily perfect for you) or would someone else be better for you? Perhaps simply because you notice areas in which you are not compatible, you are discounting the many areas that you are compatible.

 

Keep in mind...our best partner may actually have lots of characteristics that are opposite of ours. So while he is not as introspective and intellectually inclined, he may be more stable and less emotional in times of difficulty. Your strengths may complement his weaknesses and vice versa. In time you may say that he is your soul mate.

[Mustang Sally]

"Soulmate" is a relative term, I think.

 

One can be "happy" with whatever one decides to be happy with.

It is about being realistic, and pros/cons, in my opinion.

[Storyrider]

It just depends on how much you miss the deep intellectual conversation or whether you feel you can live without it. You can find a girlfriend who fulfills this need.

 

However, there are some needs only a spouse can fulfill.

 

1.Satisfies your sexual needs and provides a romantic love relationship (as opposed to fraternal love or friendship-based love)

2. Will be a good father to future children (if relevant)

3. Contributes financially and to household work

4. Fulfills your daily emotional/intellectual needs--This last one is where your issue comes in I think. Do you require intellectual conversations on a daily basis to feel satisfied?

 

Of course there are lots of negatives that would weed someone out, but I think the above are the necessary positives.

 

1. is the most important, IMO, because once you're married you can't seek romantic love elsewhere. If you don't have it, you're out of luck or on your way to divorce.

 

It sounds like you do have that.

 

I know others will say that sexual attraction and romantic love fade while friendship lasts a lifetime, but the presence of romantic love is what makes the difference between an SO and a best friend. It is a huge mistake to assume they are one in the same. Your SO is not simply your best friend of the opposite gender.

 

(Think about it--if you end up with your best friend but the romantic connection isn't strong enough, when the passion dies down you end up in a permanent FWB; that is, if your spouse will even have sex with you.)

[uniqueone]

I would stop focusing on labels such as "soulmate". I would instead just focus on what you feel and what you like in a person you meet. Forget the soulmate analysis.

 

 

 

I'm ambivalent about his lack of depth. Part of me wishes I could connect with him on a deeper intellectual level and that he was reflective like I am, but another part of me wonders how important such depth really is in a mate.

 

 

Instead of being so focused on what to CALL it....focus on things like THIS: "I'm abivalent about his lack of depth."

 

This line alone tells me that you're best bet is to end things now. The reason that I say that is not due to his lack of depth, but due to your AMBIVALENCE about his lack of depth.

 

If you're ambivalent about it now.....I can tell you it will NOT be pretty down the road.......

 

Ambivalence in the beginning of a relationship is like a snowball going downhill. What starts little will end up huge.

[LoveLace]

Soulmates....I have a hard enough time finding "Mr. Good-Enough", much less Mr. Right or a soulmate.

 

Nowadays I don't think the word "soulmate" should apply to anyone...there are too many divorces and too much infedility to live up to the reputation of the word "soulmate". But if I had to define it, I think it simply means you both feel that you were meant to be together, that's it. The reasons for this could vary from couple to couple; some might think they are soulmates because they are totally alike, or because they are even totally opposite, but complement each other and inspire each other.

 

The problem is we might think of someone as our soulmate, but if the relationship ends, it's as though this word and all of the expectations with it are all made up. We associate the word with "forever". And "forever" seems to rarely happen anymore...maybe we're not supposed to know someone's our soulmate until we've already been with them for 30 years.

 

I know what you mean by dating someone with lack of "depth". I can think of a guy I was totally in love with, but yea, forget deep conversations, that wasn't his thing. However...no matter who we're with they are lacking in something we might have liked in someone else. I think the important thing is do you have fun together no matter what your doing? Weather it's a party or watching tv in silence. Ok not everything is "fun" but you know what I mean. And maybe someone can't be as "deep" as you'd like, but if you can at least communicate with them on a relationship-level that would be good enough for me, really.

 

My last boyfriend was a deep, sensitive guy, but I somehow I found that aspect of him to be boring at times. It was kinda like, "do we always have to talk about such intellectual things?".... I guess it all depends on what "fancies" you. I think my "soulmate" would be a combination of depth and total simplicity.

[space_for_rentt]

I dont think you need a soulmate to be happy in a realtionship but then again it depends what kind of realtionshiop if your looking to get married i guess you need someone your compactiable with beucase that would suck if you end up with someone you find boring in a few months. but if your just loking for something casual sure do whatever you want. It depends if you think soulmates exist. i tihnk they can exist in a bunch of different people. Like one person could be your emotional soulmate, and so on.

[amaysngrace]

I think I have found my soulmate. We connect on every level. The first time we met we had a feeling we knew each other already. It was strange.

 

Our paths have been similar but different. We've been through many of the same experiences. And we've both experienced a lot. Our lives haven't been boring, that's for sure. Yet they're relatively similar.

 

I try to rationalize it by saying our energy fields are the same. We each throw the same vibe with the exact same intensity. We've even dreamt the same dream when we weren't speaking. That was freaky.

 

But I think the most important thing about our relationship or any for that matter is that I'm completely and totally myself. I don't have to try to be anything different than I am. It's been that way since the beginning.

 

And if you're with someone regardless if they are your soulmate or not who lets you be yourself, then of course you will be happy. Providing that you like yourself.

[Trialbyfire]

I dont think you need a soulmate to be happy in a realtionship but then again it depends what kind of realtionshiop if your looking to get married i guess you need someone your compactiable with beucase that would suck if you end up with someone you find boring in a few months. but if your just loking for something casual sure do whatever you want. It depends if you think soulmates exist. i tihnk they can exist in a bunch of different people. Like one person could be your emotional soulmate, and so on.

That's a good point.

 

Levels of compatibility applicable to level of relationship.

[LoveLace]

Oh I totally agree with that. I swear I have a "sexual" soulmate that I still talk to every once in a great while. I'll always think of it as the best sex ever, cuz total chemistry was there during the sex...but not outside of that. So I guess what we seek is one person that is all levels in one, ultimately, just as you said....and it seems almost impossible to do!

[squeak]

*soulmates" crash and burn. Real love is comfortable and the physical attraction should stay strong.

 

Asking for more is playing with fire. The crash and burn kind that is. Why is everyone on here pining for the one that got away? The one that broke up with them? The one that hurt them the most? The one who wanted them as "just friends".

 

Are those soulmates? Would a soulmate do that?

 

What about the real flesh and blood relationships that last, if you let them? The ones that don't involve all that pain and heart break?

 

Or...the grass is greener mentality...sure-maybe. Except everyone I know has that pesky crash n burn story involving the one they thought was *the one*. Ha!

 

You decide......

[Trialbyfire]

*soulmates" crash and burn. Real love is comfortable and the physical attraction should stay strong.

 

Asking for more is playing with fire. The crash and burn kind that is. Why is everyone on here pining for the one that got away? The one that broke up with them? The one that hurt them the most? The one who wanted them as "just friends".

 

Are those soulmates? Would a soulmate do that?

 

What about the real flesh and blood relationships that last, if you let them? The ones that don't involve all that pain and heart break?

 

Or...the grass is greener mentality...sure-maybe. Except everyone I know has that pesky crash n burn story involving the one they thought was *the one*. Ha!

 

You decide......

Hahaha...well said squeak.

 

Btw, I'm not pining away for my crash and burn marriage. He's still hanging around and very available.

[squeak]

Hahaha...well said squeak.

 

Btw, I'm not pining away for my crash and burn marriage. He's still hanging around and very available.

 

Oh no-I didn't mean you TBF! Generally speaking......

 

More like a general feeling of malaise that people believe the best one got away or is right around the corner.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh no-I didn't mean you TBF! Generally speaking......

 

More like a general feeling of malaise that people believe the best one got away or is right around the corner.

Gotcha' squeak, although I can guarantee you, for me, the best one is right around the corner which is located about 100 miles from where I'm at now...

 

At the speed of 4 m/hr, walking about 4 hours a day, I should find him in approximately 6.25 working days + my sabbatical time.

[LoveLace]

So true! The only guy I've ever had tell me I was his soulmate was exactly that...crash and burn! A soulmate wouldn't just wake up one day and suddenly decide the opposite...

[space_for_rentt]

my soul mate was my gay friend lol that was weired

[LoveLace]

I have a girl-friend that I joke with, we call each other "soulmates" because we have endless things in common from interests to life experiences. When we're hanging out together we tell people that we knew we had a soulmate out there, we just didn't know it was a girl!..but we don't even keep in touch daily or even weekly, we just run into each other once in a while and still say we're "soulmates".

 

If I'm in a relationship, I don't see the need to base my degree of happiness on weather or not I think he is my "soulmate"...it's based on how much fun we have together, how much chemistry there is emotionally and physically, and on how you treat each other according to what you both consider acceptable/desirable. Eventually it might lead to thinking we were definitely meant for eachother, which might lead to thinking we're soulmates. I think it's unfair to say that your "settling" for someone if you don't think he/she is your "soulmate"....I think "settling" is when you feel that you can do better and/or you might feel that too many important components are missing from a relationship.

 

On the flipside I think it's perfectly fine and possible to feel overall happy without necessarily thinking you are with your "soulmate". There's a medium between what you would define as almost perfect and "settling"...at this point in my life that happy medium is what I shoot for, because that way I'm not desperate, nor am I too picky.

[amaysngrace]

Except everyone I know has that pesky crash n burn story involving the one they thought was *the one*. Ha!

 

You decide......

 

 

Then I don't think they really found their soulmate.

 

To me a soulmate is someone you'd never want to hurt because it would hurt you just as badly. And vice versa.

 

Because you feel what they feel deep down in your soul.

 

My BF and I both suggest that something was forcing us to meet. Yes we met in our own backyards. We live three blocks away from each other. Never met until both of our divorces were finalized. Neither one of us believe in infidelity in marriage. So had we met before then we would have both just dismissed it.

 

I told my sisters that something big was going to happen right before I met him. I could just feel him. He dreamt of me before we met.

 

We are like old friends. I feel like I've known him a lifetime. He said that he feels as if we were married in another life.

 

I have been engaged three times, married once and so I am no novice when it comes to relationships. It's just that this one is so satisfying in every single way I could hope for.

 

You don't have to believe in soul mates.

But I know I do.