LoveLace Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I've missed it here! I met Marty at the beginning of what has become the hardest, most stressful, busiest semester in my whole 12 years of college (I do have 1 degree..working on 2nd)... He didn't know how to say it, but I was snapping at him for minor reasons and being way crabby. Life just felt like it was go-go-go between him, school, and work, although he was worth it all. Every spare day off was with him, so I truly never felt like I had a break. I tried to warn him in the beginning...that me trying to squeeze in too much is a bad idea. But he was persistent in wanting to see me, I didn't want to let life to my block my ability to have a relationship, I didn't want to appear uninterested. But in the end it all destroyed what was best thing in my life. He would say "I'll never leave someone under circumstances of being sick or hard time...your supposed to stick it out and work on it..."....his optimism was so assuring...but overnight, he woke up and decided it wasn't so great anymore. Yes, his recent divorce and up-coming finalization contributed...but it was my inability to deal emotionally that prompted him to think.."NO way do I want to deal with THIS forever..." We broke up and it spiraled from there...a failing class, a sick mom, a car accident, etc...I felt like Clark Griswald having bad luck everywhere I went...crying and nervous breakdowns...ugh...When it rains it pours...but you wake up one day and the sunshine is back from all directions....I busted my a$$ and I won't fail the class now, mom's doing great, I see clearly now for the 1st time all semester. Yet I've managed to work full-time and do nursing school full time through it all...don't ask me how! The only downside is not having him to celebrate with. The Holidays we talked of spending together are approaching. I still get occasional crying spells over it, and it's been a month. I did a bad job of showing him how happy he made me; however, there were moments he just wasn't understanding enough about the structure of my life. He never once got mad at me...just too needy at the wrong times...then I turned around and got too needy as well. I called to say Happy Halloween (his favorite holiday)...but no call back, once I sent a text.."Friends cool?"...and nada. We never even got a real adult conversation in the end....it was a texting-voice mail exchange of a break up. I practically begged for him to call me to talk about it. The most I got from him was that he needed time, as I did too. But then I realized I wasn't going to wait around for him, nor would he probably for me. So I sent his posessions with a letter basically saying "Your great but let's face it, it's over"....OK so who really ended this?.... He got distant....I got pissed...then he was thinking of his Ex...then he was fine...then I wanted space...then he avoided me...then he wanted "space"....then I didn't want to trust it. His final divorce trial is next week. His Ex broke him pretty badly. I know he needs this time to deal, and hopefully to get some closure....but my closure still lingers. I still think it was just a matter of bad timing for both people, and the rest of it was practically flawless. I want to believe it'll eventually come back. But is that optimism, or false hope? I told him once, it would be ok to try this again later. So maybe when he said "let's just take a break for now"...maybe he didn't really want to end it after all...I don't know anymore....I'd like to call after Thanksgiving to ask how his trial went. I really do want to be friends, and friends is okay to start, and I really want to be there for him..although I'm sure he has enough friends for that already, right? I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just babbling...
Ocean-Blue Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Have no advice for you really. Just that I sort of understand. Where he was coming from. Where you were coming from.
Author LoveLace Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 Have no advice for you really. Just that I sort of understand. Where he was coming from. Where you were coming from. I understand where he was coming from too...it's the only reason I don't feel angry at him...thanks
underpants Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Awe Lovelace, I think it might have been bad timing as well. He is still going through a divorce. He is just not ready for a real relationship. He probably won't be for some time to come. Some people take a year or more to recover from divorce. It is a very rare thing to see a fully adjusted freshly divorced person. All you can do is focus on your goals and your future. Let him deal with his issues. If he comes around and you are still available then great. If not then it is his loss. Take the good and look for those traits in others. Take the lesson and avoid a potentially painful scenerio in the future.
melodymatters Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Oh lovey, Missed you ! I know it's hard and the truth is there are NO right answers right now. You know what I say : in real estate it's location, location, location, in relationships it's TIMING, TIMING, TIMING ! Don't JUST beat up on yourself, because he could have done things better too ! Learn from your mistakes, respect your OWN limits ( My God, full time work and full time nursing school, thats TOUGH girl friend ! ) I know you want better, " tastier" closure, but you never, ever, get it if YOU push for it. It only comes when you've moved on, sad but true. I am so proud of YOU, LL, and someone that was that hot and cold, fast forward, then sudden pause, doesn't sound that grounded himself. Don't romanticize him. If you need to send a note or something regarding friendship, then do so, but HE hasn't been a very good friend himself, and personally ? I wouldn't. good luck and warm hugs ! Melody
Author LoveLace Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 MM!!!! So glad to see you! I always love what you say!! Your right about his absent efforts to return friendship or contact. However...I've been hot and cold too...went from needing space to saying it's all done, to saying I still miss him...geez I guess neither of us have been in the most stable states... I guess all I can do is hope that enough time (for him) eventually leads to at least a one-time, friendly reconcilliation that could shed light on a lot of confusion. My friend Jenny said it's not a good time for him to be with any woman right now...which I know...and I understand someone's hurt him a lot...maybe its selfish of me, but I want him to eventually realize what he's done to me in reflection to that. To say you love them, make long-term promises, only to let 1 bad weekend change your mind about all of it. I do have a couple guys I"m casually talking with at the moment...and Marty is the only guy I can truly say this about, I don't know if I'll ever think as highly of anyone else as a person, when it comes to common interests and attitude, ambition, good-hearted....School is my excuse for my actions...so I let divorce be his excuse...
Justawoman Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 You could have posted the relationship I am in right now. Only difference is mine is a ldr. His divorce left him financially broke and having to close his business. My divorce left me scarred from emotional neglect and verbal abuse. But it is hard to find closure and a peaceful goodbye when it everything falls together in a relationship and it is good. I truly know what you mean about not being sure if you will ever find another person you think so highly of. I understand your confusion and pain. Patience is the hardest thing about healing.
Author LoveLace Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Thanks...actually this was also an LDR, although just a matter of a nice little road trip. I just wish I could stop thinking of him and the good times so often (because they definitely outweight any bad times...hell there was only 1 bad time and it was over)...and stop missing him so much. I have a million things going on in my life, yet I still manage to think of him constantly. Setting aside "time to myself" and relaxing only brings on thinking, too...I can't win!
Star Gazer Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Yo, LL! Good to see you. Sometimes I need to babble too. Babble on, girl! I agree with Unders - bad timing. In addition, it was too much, too fast, for both of you...but again, also based on bad timing. Every jerk/commitment-phobe/needy-freak/arshole/whatever we date is one less we risk marrying. Take this time to learn from your mistakes, and review his so that you can spot them in the future. Next time you'll do better because you'll know better.
Author LoveLace Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Star Gazer good to see you too! Thanks for your understanding...I havent been through a truly hurtful break up in so long, that I don't hardly know how to deal anymore...so I love it if I can just come here and ramble on...don't get much chance to do that anymore! Well, if he was ever a committ-phobe, it wasn't until he dated ME! Before that, it was all he talked about...but I guess that dating ME made him open his eyes and realize he can't just replace what he lost like it's a lost shoe. Gee that's comforting! I also realized that all the small complaints I had about him (like neediness) were also the very things I unknowingly turned around and did to him. He was needy due to his baggage, and I was needy due to having a chaotic life. But I let him know when he was being needy at the wrong times. With me, he just revengefully held back when I was the needy one, at the very end. The problem with moving too fast is getting to know someone TOO well too soon....in the bad ways, not the good. He saw one of the worst sides of me before there was enough time to see the all of the best sides. But your right I definitely know what to look out for in the future...from now on I'll be totally scared off by a recently-divorced guy...
Star Gazer Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 The problem with moving too fast is getting to know someone TOO well too soon....in the bad ways, not the good. He saw one of the worst sides of me before there was enough time to see the all of the best sides. Yeah, that's a HUGE problem. There are stages to a relationship, and when you behave like an old married couple (who have enough of a good history to behave like brats towards each other on RARE occasions) when you're still really in the getting-to-know-you stage, nothing good can come of it. Of course you shouldn't try to hide your true colors, but the relationship should allow the pretty colors to show first and foremost. And yes, recently divorced men often cause great heartbreak.
Author LoveLace Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 I do recall a time when I believe he let my episodes go, and tried to keep the rest of a good thing going; but once I sensed something was really wrong, I asked for space for both of our benefits. It got all confusing from there and at the end of the day he threw his hands up and I sadly did the same after. I still feel like he gave up too easily without making effort to discuss it once fires cooled down. But this non-full-filling ending only brought more of my ugly side. My mistakes were piling up like an avalanche; a lot of times we only make more mistakes with trying to fix other ones. I'm so guilty of that with many men. But even after doing damage, I've still had guys forget and forgive eventually...so maybe he will, who knows...
femmdevil Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 my now ex-relationship was at 3 months when my father died in a terrbile accident, i graduated from college w/2nd degree entering a highly competetive industry.. so my beloved father dead, unemployed, relationship w/mom strained and just general bad luck/downwardspiraling. he was there for awhile and i was a nervous breakdown or bitch half the time. he withdrew. i got insecure. we fought. he dumped me after 8 months 4 days ago. he is also finalizing divorce. I am determined to make contact scarce. if he is anything like mine, he'll respect more for not contacting much. maybe drop him a brief line via text or email every few weeks. he might be in pain and not responding for awhile until it feels safe. you might refrain to mention anything about the relationship except certain "hope you're doing well," and "i miss you's" i think theres no harm in that if you are busy and cool, overall. good luck. it has been longer for you than me. timing is a big deal, and if he isnt aware of that being a factor, I would eventually find a way to tell him that. hope this was a little helpful, but i think i feel as confused as you must.
Author LoveLace Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 aggro I"m so sorry to hear about your father and your break-up. I conclude some people just don't know how to really be there for somone else and just be understanding. I did just as you suggested over the last couple months, sent him occasional "hope your doing well" messages but never asked for a return call or for a 2nd chance, kept it very casual. But his immaturity proved itself when I called recently just for an ear which was dumb, and he had his new girlfriend call me to tell me not to call...and frankly it didn't hurt a bit. But I still threw back a really bad insult just to give him 1 punch in the stomach for disrespecting me then and before that....there is NO reason why a person can't speak for themselves. I instantly felt like I was dealing with high-schoolers. Instead of hurting, it opened my eyes to realizing I want nothing to do with someone who behaves this way, and I was literally laughing about his girlfriend calling me, laughing about the fact that she actually thinks a man without a mouth of his own is enough to fight over. Oh well, she'll learn! You'll get through this as hard as it may be....LS'ers are ALWAYS here to listen!
Recommended Posts