If your only interested in one girl is it worth looking for others?

[Dynamo]

My question to you all is this: If you only have powerful feelings for one girl who you cannot get with because she is already in a relationship, is it worth it to go around and look for someone else? I've gone to parties, hung out with friends (and friends of friends), stores, malls, etc etc to find someone to hook up with, but for some reason I just don't feel compelled to find a girlfriend. It's not like I think I'm too good for them or anything - on the contrary, they are probably too good for me. It's just whenever I find a nice, pretty girl with a great personality I always compare them back to her and I just feel no need to pursue a relationship.

 

All my buddies keep telling me I should get a girlfriend or atleast go on a couple dates with some girls. Pretty much everyone I know with the exception of a couple friends are already coupled off. I just don't feel all that compelled to go after anyone.

 

So, should I keep running the social circuits in hopes of finding someone who really sparks my interest, despite not really having any burning desire/motivation for anyone else but this one girl? Or should I just kick back and take life as it comes? I'm not desperate for a relationship, but you do feel a little pressured when everyone you know is coupled up except for you, and your the "odd one out".

 

Any suggestions are appreciated.

[uniqueone]

My question to you all is this: If you only have powerful feelings for one girl who you cannot get with because she is already in a relationship, is it worth it to go around and look for someone else? I've gone to parties, hung out with friends (and friends of friends), stores, malls, etc etc to find someone to hook up with, but for some reason I just don't feel compelled to find a girlfriend. It's not like I think I'm too good for them or anything - on the contrary, they are probably too good for me. It's just whenever I find a nice, pretty girl with a great personality I always compare them back to her and I just feel no need to pursue a relationship.

 

Six of one....half dozen of the other.....

 

It's a catch-22. If you don't meet others, you're going to concentrate on her even more. If you do meet others, you're going to compare them to her.

 

My solution: Meet others with no intention of dating. Just meet people to meet them and socialize. Stop focusing on a relationship.

 

 

All my buddies keep telling me I should get a girlfriend or atleast go on a couple dates with some girls. Pretty much everyone I know with the exception of a couple friends are already coupled off. I just don't feel all that compelled to go after anyone.

 

So, should I keep running the social circuits in hopes of finding someone who really sparks my interest, despite not really having any burning desire/motivation for anyone else but this one girl? Or should I just kick back and take life as it comes? I'm not desperate for a relationship, but you do feel a little pressured when everyone you know is coupled up except for you, and your the "odd one out".

 

Any suggestions are appreciated.

 

Thank you for the reminder of what's good about being older......

 

Who cares if everyone is coupled off and what everyone else is doing. I'm going to guess you're in your 20's where everyone feels the need to do what everyone else is doing. And where couples form where none should have ever happened......and where divorces later on come from.

 

Don't be afraid not to follow the crowd. They have no clue where they're going anyway. Believe it or not, they'll envy you for not needing someone like they do.

 

And most especially.....DON'T date any girls and let them think that you're interested in them when you're not. That's not fair to them.

[Lovegod]

My question to you all is this: If you only have powerful feelings for one girl who you cannot get with because she is already in a relationship, is it worth it to go around and look for someone else?

 

Yes. You could spend the rest of your life, waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend, seperating from her husband, waiting for her husband to die, and after all that, she still turns you down. Besides, your ideal woman would want to be in a relationship with you instead of being with someone else!

 

It's just whenever I find a nice, pretty girl with a great personality I always compare them back to her and I just feel no need to pursue a relationship.

 

Quit trying to replace this woman you've never dated! You will never find a replacement for her. You can't even replace her since you've never had her! There's no reason to compare other women to a woman that you've never dated, never had sex with, never had to flush the toilet when she forgot, never had to empty the garbage can with her used tampons in it, etc etc etc.

 

You'll eventually find out that having a girlfriend is better and more satisfying than having a crush on a girl who's banging some other guy.

[uniqueone]

 

 

There's no reason to compare other women to a woman that you've never dated, never had sex with, never had to flush the toilet when she forgot, never had to empty the garbage can with her used tampons in it, etc etc etc.

 

You'll eventually find out that having a girlfriend is better and more satisfying than having a crush on a girl who's banging some other guy.

 

There's something seriously wrong with this post.........

[Lovegod]

LOL! Yeah, I guess flushing her turds and dumping her tampons is more satisfying than being single

[uniqueone]

LOL! Yeah, I guess flushing her turds and dumping her tampons is more satisfying than being single

 

......

 

Wow

[Ocean-Blue]

Has it occurred to you that MAYBE you want this girl as much as you do BECAUSE she is taken (the appeal of "forbidden fruit")?

[Trialbyfire]

It's pretty easy to fantasize and idealize someone, particularly if you haven't spent too much time with her. You appear to be suffering from limerance.

 

Better to date others so you have the opportunity to find someone who returns your affection.

[konfuzd]

Have you ever noticed that before you met this girl, the last girl you had a crush on was the greatest woman ever, and all your thoughts revolved around her? Then you met the next crush....and forgot about the first girl.

 

We all go through these cycles, the thrill and excitement of someone new, exciting, mysterious... if you don't open yourself up to another crush, you'll eventually drive yourself crazy with the unrequited lust of this girl.

[Quinch]

There was a new girl who started in my office last week. She was really cute, had an amazing body and always wore schoolgirl-type dresses. I had a crush on her until she opened her mouth and spoke. She has a really stupid accent so now I've gone right off her

[Pedigree]

I can sympathize with you as I went through the same experience recently. I had a girl that I had feelings for and was making my approach, only to find within 30 seconds that she already has a boyfriend. Needless to say, I was crushed.

 

My answer to your question is if you're going to compare the girls that you meet to this one girl, then you're probably better off not looking to others. I suggest keeping yourself busy with studies/hobby/going out with friends. It certainly helped me take my mind of the girl that I'm having a crush on.

 

By the way, do you still see this girl around much? If not, you probably have a better chance of getting out of this phase than I do. In my case, the prospects of seeing this girl around is still pretty big. She does my degree and we have a common friend.

[SourLemonPie]

My solution: Meet others with no intention of dating. Just meet people to meet them and socialize. Stop focusing on a relationship.

 

Holy moly you're a genious.

 

I'm right there too. My friends tell me stuff like "he's an idiot", "forget about him". As if that was so easy, right?

 

I remember i used to get out and i wasn't interested in any of the guys cause he was (is) still on my mind. But with time, you start to look other asses people around you. At least to chill out and have fun. It doesn't mean you have to bang every chick around or fall in love with one or all of them... just... look other people.

 

Good luck

[uniqueone]

Holy moly you're a genious.

 

I'm right there too. My friends tell me stuff like "he's an idiot", "forget about him". As if that was so easy, right?

 

I remember i used to get out and i wasn't interested in any of the guys cause he was (is) still on my mind. But with time, you start to look other asses people around you. At least to chill out and have fun. It doesn't mean you have to bang every chick around or fall in love with one or all of them... just... look other people.

 

Good luck

 

But I'd add to that......don't just look at other people...and don't just see them as "dates". Look at people....talk to people......all people.....with interest. Everyone you meet can add something to your life...young...old....male....female. You might hear a story that makes you laugh....you might learn of an activity you can do....you might even brighten THEIR day......

 

Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship. Try to appreciate what's in front of you right "now" without any regard for a relationship.

[Dynamo]

Thank you very much everyone for the responses! I have a lot to think over.

 

I can sympathize with you as I went through the same experience recently. I had a girl that I had feelings for and was making my approach, only to find within 30 seconds that she already has a boyfriend. Needless to say, I was crushed.

 

My answer to your question is if you're going to compare the girls that you meet to this one girl, then you're probably better off not looking to others. I suggest keeping yourself busy with studies/hobby/going out with friends. It certainly helped me take my mind of the girl that I'm having a crush on.

 

By the way, do you still see this girl around much? If not, you probably have a better chance of getting out of this phase than I do. In my case, the prospects of seeing this girl around is still pretty big. She does my degree and we have a common friend.

 

I wish it was easy to take her out of my life and just move on, but the fact that she is dating my best friend currently, and the fact that we share many of the same friends makes that extremely difficult. It's hard to just hang out with my "main" friends without seeing her. Thank you for the advice though!

 

Has it occurred to you that MAYBE you want this girl as much as you do BECAUSE she is taken (the appeal of "forbidden fruit")?

 

I suppose that might be why I can't seem to forget her, although thats not the initial reason I began to have a crush on her - I actually started liking her long before hand but at those times I had extremely low self confidence so I never made my move. Now that things have changed, she's in a relationship. Go figure!

 

It's pretty easy to fantasize and idealize someone, particularly if you haven't spent too much time with her. You appear to be suffering from limerance.

 

Better to date others so you have the opportunity to find someone who returns your affection.

 

Good advice, although I have actually spent a LOT of time with her... Infact, I've probably spent more time with her then her boyfriend has.. But I completely agree with your last sentence.

 

Have you ever noticed that before you met this girl, the last girl you had a crush on was the greatest woman ever, and all your thoughts revolved around her? Then you met the next crush....and forgot about the first girl.

 

We all go through these cycles, the thrill and excitement of someone new, exciting, mysterious... if you don't open yourself up to another crush, you'll eventually drive yourself crazy with the unrequited lust of this girl.

 

I'll admit I've had crushes on other girls before, but they were always little things and never felt very big - this is the only girl I've ever felt that way about. It's hard to describe - you just sort of "know it" you know?

 

But I'd add to that......don't just look at other people...and don't just see them as "dates". Look at people....talk to people......all people.....with interest. Everyone you meet can add something to your life...young...old....male....female. You might hear a story that makes you laugh....you might learn of an activity you can do....you might even brighten THEIR day......

 

Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship. Try to appreciate what's in front of you right "now" without any regard for a relationship.

 

I totally know what you mean, thats exactly what I've been trying to do recently. Just nothing seems to really take my mind off things. Perhaps I just need to give it more time. I'm someone who usually talks out there problems, so I like having this place with all these great, intelligent and thoughtful users to lend me an ear and throw in suggestions

[uniqueone]

Well feel free to talk her all you want. This is a place where you can go when all your friends are saying "just forget her".

[Pedigree]

I wish it was easy to take her out of my life and just move on, but the fact that she is dating my best friend currently, and the fact that we share many of the same friends makes that extremely difficult. It's hard to just hang out with my "main" friends without seeing her. Thank you for the advice though!

 

That certainly makes things more complicated and difficult. No matter how strongly you feel for this girl, I hope you'd be able to keep it inside for the sake of your best friend.

 

Also the fact you'll see her a lot makes things more difficult. In my case, by the time I can start to not think about her as much, I see her again (whether it be at uni or a social event) and I go back to square one again in my attempt to get over her.

 

I suppose that might be why I can't seem to forget her, although thats not the initial reason I began to have a crush on her - I actually started liking her long before hand but at those times I had extremely low self confidence so I never made my move. Now that things have changed, she's in a relationship. Go figure

 

A lesson for next time, mate. Even if you're going to get rejected, you should have a go.

 

I'll admit I've had crushes on other girls before, but they were always little things and never felt very big - this is the only girl I've ever felt that way about. It's hard to describe - you just sort of "know it" you know?

 

Once again I can sympathize with you. The worst thing about this is that the girl's so close and yet so far.

[Dynamo]

That certainly makes things more complicated and difficult. No matter how strongly you feel for this girl, I hope you'd be able to keep it inside for the sake of your best friend.

 

Also the fact you'll see her a lot makes things more difficult. In my case, by the time I can start to not think about her as much, I see her again (whether it be at uni or a social event) and I go back to square one again in my attempt to get over her.

 

 

 

A lesson for next time, mate. Even if you're going to get rejected, you should have a go.

 

 

 

Once again I can sympathize with you. The worst thing about this is that the girl's so close and yet so far.

 

Exactly.. I pretty much have to just put a smile on and completely hide any feelings I have for her when they are around - I really don't want to hurt my best friend by going after his girl because that just isn't right, and I know I'd be super pissed if my friend did that to me. That being said though, I can't change the way I feel about her so I just gotta sweep it under the rug and ignore it. It sort of ticks me off though because he treats her sorta bad (hardly spends time with her, rarely calls her, they just don't do a whole lot together and he doesn't seem to care very much about her. That may just be my emotions talking though).

 

Glad to see there is someone out there who is in relatively the same boat as me- I know exactly what you mean by how whenever you see her, you are back to square one.. It's the same way with me. I went away on a trip for a couple months awhile back and thought that I was finally over her and my life could move on, but as soon as I saw her it all came flooding back. Gah! Sometimes I wish we could decide our emotions.. But that wouldn't be any fun I suppose..

 

Yeah I definitely have learned my lesson; never wait, there is no time like the present, because for all you know everything can be gone in an instant as soon as you turn your back.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Awww im soooo sorry....

 

And Im sorry I feel so sorry for you, but honestly Ive seen this happen...

Sad sad tales....

 

Unfortunately it happened to this guy that tried to do what your trying to do, go out with someone else to forget about a girl who wouldnt pay much mind to him...or rather, would lead him on, even kiss him and then say the he just likes him as a friend....and unfortunately, he tried to forget her with none other than yours truly....

 

Oh yeah that sucked....

 

For both of us.

 

From what i saw in this very very messed up situation, he sorta understood she didnt want him cuz she liked someone else (so in ur case, she has a bf) so, being 22 and never having a gf he decided he would go after someone who would be cool enough and he could have fun with, in hopes of forgeting ms thing (which is what you seem to want to do)

Well I came in the picture, we hanged out, got along, dated for a bit...but i always felt his heart wasnt in it (i didnt know about his mad crush). Anyway, long story short....I broke it off cuz i couldnt take having to compete with a ghost...

But the worst part was still to come, and this is where my warning comes in....

This poor dude...after all that, ended up more messed up than when he began, because not only had he not forgotten ms thing, but then he never forgave himself for hurting me. On top of it, we still had to be around each other, and, from what his friends (to this day, after three years) tell me, he realized that we could have had a good thing, had he not been so focused on her.

Yet...he still not over her either...so now he's got TWO girls to think about instead of one....

Let me just say...

i wouldnt want to be in his shoes...and I REALLY hope you dont get into that yourself. Its risky and not only can u hurt someone who didnt deserve it...but you can also get very badly hurt.

Id say either accept once and for all that u and this chick u want are never gonna be together and work slowly towards forgetting her, THEN date other girls...

OR

Keep on obsessing and watch your life pass you by...then you're 29 and you dont have whatshername, nor gave yourself chance to heal and meet someone who was worth it.

 

Ofcourse there's the offchance that whatshername likes u back...but if she's with someone else...douuubt it. (ofcourse u didnt say what ur relationship was with her...if ur friends, if she knows u like her, or what...)

 

Anyhow...sorry so wordy, but this touch home....whatever you do, do NOT involve innocent bystandards...BELIEVE ME for your own sanity.

[Pedigree]

It sort of ticks me off though because he treats her sorta bad (hardly spends time with her, rarely calls her, they just don't do a whole lot together and he doesn't seem to care very much about her. That may just be my emotions talking though).

 

Nah, that's emotions, man. I've seen the girl from my situation around with his boyfriend and I do nitpick, mutter under my breath, etc. when I get the sense that she's not getting treated right. But yeah, apart from that I do sweep the emotions under the rug as well. Even then, it's difficult not to look at her and pretend that you're more concerned with other things.

 

Glad to see there is someone out there who is in relatively the same boat as me

 

If you live in Sydney, I'd take you down to a pub. Nothing like some beer to drown the sorrow out.

 

But the worst part was still to come, and this is where my warning comes in....

This poor dude...after all that, ended up more messed up than when he began, because not only had he not forgotten ms thing, but then he never forgave himself for hurting me. On top of it, we still had to be around each other, and, from what his friends (to this day, after three years) tell me, he realized that we could have had a good thing, had he not been so focused on her.

Yet...he still not over her either...so now he's got TWO girls to think about instead of one....

Id say either accept once and for all that u and this chick u want are never gonna be together and work slowly towards forgetting her, THEN date other girls...

OR

Keep on obsessing and watch your life pass you by...then you're 29 and you dont have whatshername, nor gave yourself chance to heal and meet someone who was worth it.

 

Wow, definitely a situation I don't want to get into.

 

I'd definitely take the slowly forgetting option, although it's a tough wall to climb over.

[Dynamo]

Wow Pedigree, the more I read your replies the more I feel I have in common with you. If I lived in Sydney I'd take you up on the offer, heh. Heres to guys like us who are always seemingly one step behind. Cheers!

[Pedigree]

Wow Pedigree, the more I read your replies the more I feel I have in common with you. If I lived in Sydney I'd take you up on the offer, heh. Heres to guys like us who are always seemingly one step behind. Cheers!

 

I'll drink to that. Keep me posted on your progress and I'll do the same with mine.