smartgirl Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 For me and my exMM, it was obviously the wrong time - or under the wrong circumstances anyway! He was a MM; it never should have happened. He more-or-less knew me. I was probably more honest with him than with anyone else in my life, particularly with regards to my feelings for him. The only thing was that he saw me as this strong, independent woman, which in a way I am, but then when things ended I fell apart and he now knows I'm not quite as tough and 'together' as he once thought. I think this quote from PP is interesting. I'll bet a lot of MM see the confidence and sexual assertiveness that many OW appear to have and that attracts them. They misread that confidence and assume that she will be like them - able to compartmentalize and "keep things in perspective." They may be surprised when it turns out to be like any other relationship when she falls in love, wants to know where the R is going and presses for comittment. No R stands still. They all have to evolve in one way or another.
White Flower Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 For me and my exMM, it was obviously the wrong time - or under the wrong circumstances anyway! He was a MM; it never should have happened. He more-or-less knew me. I was probably more honest with him than with anyone else in my life, particularly with regards to my feelings for him. The only thing was that he saw me as this strong, independent woman, which in a way I am, but then when things ended I fell apart and he now knows I'm not quite as tough and 'together' as he once thought. I think this quote from PP is interesting. I'll bet a lot of MM see the confidence and sexual assertiveness that many OW appear to have and that attracts them. They misread that confidence and assume that she will be like them - able to compartmentalize and "keep things in perspective." They may be surprised when it turns out to be like any other relationship when she falls in love, wants to know where the R is going and presses for comittment. No R stands still. They all have to evolve in one way or another. You are right. Most women just can't compartmentalize. I tried, but just can't. And when I want to know where we stand I get some pretty generic answers. And I can't live with generic.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I do not know Why he chooses to cheat on his wife, but I am pretty sure it is because he is stuck in a marriage he did not want to be in in the first place. ...... He could have had any girl at his job, but he chose me, and chose to massage my dirty smelly sweaty feet that day. Exactly how is anyone "stuck" in a marriage? I've always wondered where in the world people are not allowed to divorce? Where is that? He couldn't have any girl at his job, because most "girls" won't have anything to do with a married man. He probably hits on all the women and finally found someone who didn't turn him down.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you? Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it? Good question, the OW was a friend of mine, I introduced them and she started contacting him to "borrow" things (she's divorced and contacted him on the premise that she needed help around the house)...it took off from there. I do know that she flattered him incredibly...told him things that I would feel silly saying (your eyes are like green pools of fire...blah, blah, blah), and he bought her BS hook, line and sinker, until she started telling him she loved him, then he freaked out and realized she was talking things a lot more seriously than he was. I think she scared him! She was just an ego boost to him, and he had no intention of ending our marriage, he admitted that our marriage was very good. Anyway, he "broke up" with her, told her she had no future with him, and the very next day she spilled the beans to me and initiated a d-day. I guess she thought I'd throw him out and she'd get him by default, but he just thought she was insane and that he was just as crazy for getting involved with her. I did throw him out but he wouldn't go...I think that's pretty typical. Now marriage is stronger than ever and I think he learned a valuable lesson.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else Honestly, looking back, I am sure in the beginning it was because of sex...He thought I was a smart, sexy woman and the attraction was an instant connection...And I knew immediately that we would work...(I didn't know he was married then.) His M had deteriorated to a roommate status by then... And we spoke for hours on end about everything and nothing and we found that we had not only a physical connection, but an intellectual and emotional connection as well... And now we are best friends, we are partners and we are lovers...And it is the real thing, for both of us...I believe that we were meant to be together...I don't think that we met at the wrong time, because the reason that we are so good together, is because of everything that has made us who we are today...And I wish we had met under different circumstances, but that is the only regret...and I choose to move forward instead...I accept him for who he is and all his flaws...just as he accepts me for mine...and I love him deeply and I see it reciprocated not only in his words, but in his actions and I know how hard that is... He has seen me in my real life and I have seen his... Is he still married? If so, why?
Impudent Oyster Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 My H had an EA (as far as I can prove). I think it was a flaw within himself. He needed hero worship and she needed a hero. At the time he wasn't there for me and I wasn't praising him enough. He is a narcissist so he wants to be praised for breathing. I tried everything I could to prevent it. I spent more time at our business, I did extra things for him, I drove him wild in bed. The latter plus MC ended the rel as far as I could see, but it didn't stop his narcisstic ways and he still shut me out. So eventually I sought my own happiness elsewhere. In a nutshell. Yep, not much you can do about a man like that...I love the "praised for breathing" line. It's so true. I think my husband was like that when he had the affair, but 3 years of therapy have made him see the light. I love his therapist, in the beginning my H would try to control him and he thought he was smarter, better, etc. than the therapist, but the doctor cut right through all that and showed him the real truth. It was the best $25,000 we ever spent, I have to say I see a huge change in him, and at least it's cheaper than a divorce.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 This is exactly the kind of thing I hear from my MM. I think he couldn't be happy enough if she wore sexy lingerie every single night. He bought her the sweetest get-up almost two years ago and she only wore it once. He'd hoped that she would wear it and things like it all the time. And she has a killer body, so it's not like she doesn't have the confidence. And when she did wear it, he may have gotten the automated sex. I have less confidence (goofy and fat), but have no problem wearing the sexy get-ups. If it pleases him and I see that he is turned on, then I become more confident. He loves the French kissing and he made me love it. Damn, I can't be successful in leaving him if I keep talking like this... Hope this helps any W who wants to keep her H at home and faithful. This makes it sound like the OW is a marital aid to me...you know, he loves his wife but she is probably too tired to dress-up, entertain him, etc, so he gets an OW who will provide this for him...but what is HE providing?
Lizzie60 Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I guess the OW is sometimes the surrogate sex therapist..
Lizzie60 Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I said this before and will say it again... I am convinced that (in my case anyway) the OW can contribute to actually save the M...
reboot Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Sometimes people think everything is about sex.
White Flower Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Yep, not much you can do about a man like that...I love the "praised for breathing" line. It's so true. I think my husband was like that when he had the affair, but 3 years of therapy have made him see the light. I love his therapist, in the beginning my H would try to control him and he thought he was smarter, better, etc. than the therapist, but the doctor cut right through all that and showed him the real truth. It was the best $25,000 we ever spent, I have to say I see a huge change in him, and at least it's cheaper than a divorce. 25K??? Jeeeeeze! Wow. I guess you're right, 25K would be cheaper than a D. Wish our councelor had had more b****. He couldn't really stand up to my H's narcisstic personality.
White Flower Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Good question, the OW was a friend of mine, I introduced them and she started contacting him to "borrow" things (she's divorced and contacted him on the premise that she needed help around the house)...it took off from there. I do know that she flattered him incredibly...told him things that I would feel silly saying (your eyes are like green pools of fire...blah, blah, blah), and he bought her BS hook, line and sinker, until she started telling him she loved him, then he freaked out and realized she was talking things a lot more seriously than he was. I think she scared him! She was just an ego boost to him, and he had no intention of ending our marriage, he admitted that our marriage was very good. Anyway, he "broke up" with her, told her she had no future with him, and the very next day she spilled the beans to me and initiated a d-day. I guess she thought I'd throw him out and she'd get him by default, but he just thought she was insane and that he was just as crazy for getting involved with her. I did throw him out but he wouldn't go...I think that's pretty typical. Now marriage is stronger than ever and I think he learned a valuable lesson. My story was similar to yours. She was newly divorced and a damsel in distress. He became her hero and fixed her car, filled out legal documents for her (English not so good) and gave her money. He could give her this large amount of money right before my birthday, but he didn't have enough money to get me a gift or take me out to dinner. The money was a secret and I forced it out of him. It changed everything for me. He only apologized after I practically demanded it then we went to counceling. But counceling didn't help the rest of the problems we had because he got tired of going.
White Flower Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Originally posted by ImpudentOyster> This makes it sound like the OW is a marital aid to me...you know, he loves his wife but she is probably too tired to dress-up, entertain him, etc, so he gets an OW who will provide this for him...but what is HE providing? Besides earth-shattering sex? Emotional support. He is always aware of my emotional needs, anticipates them even, and calls just when I need to hear his voice. Well, most of the time. Like I said, it will be hard to end it because of this.
White Flower Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Originally posted by Lizzie60> I guess the OW is sometimes the surrogate sex therapist... By this do you mean that he learns things from you, or gets his dopamine fix and takes it home, or what? I know for me, when H had his EA, I became revved up sexually. I think I was in defending-my-marriage mode. Just in case it became physical for them. (For all I know it could have been.) Is that what you mean?
Author OpenBook Posted November 18, 2007 Author Posted November 18, 2007 I guess the OW is sometimes the surrogate sex therapist.. I said this before and will say it again... I am convinced that (in my case anyway) the OW can contribute to actually save the M... You know Lizzie, many times has it crossed my mind to recommend this in various threads here... that no matter what the problems are in the M, if they could both just get really good at sex, WITH EACH OTHER, they would somehow be able to work out all their problems!! I think you are more than well-qualified to become a sex therapist, as a legitimate occupation. You have the clinical objectivity that I would think would be the hardest part of the job. And you certainly have the experience!! Seriously - have you ever thought about it?
Lizzie60 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Originally posted by Lizzie60> I guess the OW is sometimes the surrogate sex therapist... By this do you mean that he learns things from you, or gets his dopamine fix and takes it home, or what? I know for me, when H had his EA, I became revved up sexually. I think I was in defending-my-marriage mode. Just in case it became physical for them. (For all I know it could have been.) Is that what you mean? I mean in the case the H does not get sex at home.. the OW becomes the sex surrogate... he can then go home and live happily with his W and kids... he will be happy, and makes his family happy.
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I mean in the case the H does not get sex at home.. the OW becomes the sex surrogate... he can then go home and live happily with his W and kids... he will be happy, and makes his family happy. Gotchya;), thanks.
Lizzie60 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 You know Lizzie, many times has it crossed my mind to recommend this in various threads here... that no matter what the problems are in the M, if they could both just get really good at sex, WITH EACH OTHER, they would somehow be able to work out all their problems!! I think you are more than well-qualified to become a sex therapist, as a legitimate occupation. You have the clinical objectivity that I would think would be the hardest part of the job. And you certainly have the experience!! Seriously - have you ever thought about it? I have to say that in most cases, sex is the no. 1 cause of the affairs... it is either boring at home or just inexistant because of the kids, work, etc. When life gets hectic, sex is the 'department' that suffers from it... therefore giving the H or W the vulnaribility (sp) to fall under attentions of OP... Funny that you say that, because, last night, I was at a friend's place for dinner, (a girls evening) we were 7 females around the table talking about sex most of the evening.. 4 of these women I did not know too well... but 3 of them told me I should write a book about my sexual experiences.. LOL and of course I didn't tell them 1/10 of what is really going on in my life.. they have no idea what I really do but they were just fascinated at how 'detached' I can be with my sex buddies. Most of the women do fall in love once they are sexually active with one man.. they need to be 'in love' in order to have sex... I'm not like that... We had interesting discussions and we laughed a lot... it was fun.
Author OpenBook Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 Funny that you say that, because, last night, I was at a friend's place for dinner, (a girls evening) we were 7 females around the table talking about sex most of the evening.. 4 of these women I did not know too well... but 3 of them told me I should write a book about my sexual experiences.. LOL and of course I didn't tell them 1/10 of what is really going on in my life.. they have no idea what I really do but they were just fascinated at how 'detached' I can be with my sex buddies. Most of the women do fall in love once they are sexually active with one man.. they need to be 'in love' in order to have sex... I'm not like that... We had interesting discussions and we laughed a lot... it was fun. Whoa, Synchronicity... I was on the phone today with my girlfriend and we were discussing how odd it was that her, me and another girlfriend had the same kinds of things happen to us at the same time over the last few years... even though each of us is in a totally different environment... Parallel lives. Anyway, I think your book would make a very interesting read!! If you're not into writing it yourself, you could always hire a "ghostwriter."
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Here's an idea. We could all sit around a table and discuss our various affairs and compile it into one book. We could even bring in Reboot, RamChops and Chrome Barracuda in for good measure:)
GreenEyedLady Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Is he still married? If so, why? Quite frankly, they're going through the divorce process now...don't know how you want to take that, but that is the truth...
GreenEyedLady Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Is he still married? If so, why? They're going through the process of D...So yes, it does happen...
LoisLane Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 They're going through the process of D...So yes, it does happen... Right. It just takes time for him to cheat on you. OW are unbeliavable.
White Flower Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 They're going through the process of D...So yes, it does happen... Funny how so many believe that all MM are formed from cookie cutters. I believe in you and your man, GEL. I've read enough to know that much.
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